A-League
The A-League (known as the Hyundai A-League for sponsorship purposes) is the premier soccer league in Australia, consisting of nine professional teams and one schoolyard XI team (have a guess which one). If the A-League had a lot of money and internationals, the FA Premier League will look like crap.
The A-League has had to go through numerous obstacles in its first three seasons to establish itself as a force in the sport codes, namely the extradition of all Italian, Greek and Serbian supporters to the Woomera Detention Centre softening of homeland ties, distinguishing soccer from such already established Australian sports like Aerial Ping Pong, Stark Naked Mud Wrestling + Ball, and the famous Koala Toss.
Each year the title of A-League champions is awarded to the team that is most bogan. After Melbourne swept the titles in year two, the honors had to be shared with the Central Bogan Mariners (premier bogans) and Newcastle United (champions) in year three.
Teams in the A-League[edit | edit source]
Cousins United[edit | edit source]
It's Snob Ball Football, not soccer.
Hailing from the inbred capital of Australia, Adelaide United (also known as the "Barrel Boys" after a famous news story a couple of years ago involving a sadistic murderer and several barrels of monkeys) have already continued the famous tradition of South Australian sporting teams to choke in pressure situations by participating in eleven (and counting) finals games without a win. Currant coach Aurelio Vidmar also stated that the Adelaide football club is a pissant town after been thumped by Melbourne Victory in the fist leg of the semi final.
This was demonstrated where in a now infamous game, the former coach of Adelaide United John "The Ripper" Kosmina", went on a choking rampage, effectively choking seven players and an official to death. The terror was only stopped when Kevin "Carson Kressley" Muscat interfered with his gleaming, strong left arm and held him at bay whilst he was arrested.
Kosmina once called a referee, a "fucking cheating cunt."
Central Coast Mariners[edit | edit source]
Central Coast Mariners players look like pansies. Upon closer inspection, you realise they ARE pansies. They used to have a large supporter group called The Marinators, until all of them got banned from home games because they are drunk fuckwits. Team members Daniel Mcbreen and Brad Porter are the worst players in football history.
Their supporters club has the most laughable and crap names around - The Marinators. Some say you can count their total number of fans on one hand - a claim strongly denied by the "Marinator" hierarchy; for they have argued that the hand being used to count on was a Coastie hand, which due to having more fingers than that of the human race, made the claim inaccurate.
The club markets themselves as a "family based" club due to the fact that most or all of their supporters are related to each other. Their supporter demographics consist of a mix of geriatric bandwagoners that play bingo at the local RSL and the local gypsy population. They are nationally renowned for their crap chants, the pick of all their two chants being "Mariners! *clap* *clap* *clap* ".
Their keeper Vukovic got nutmegged by a free-kick in Rd. 20.
Their fabled supporter group DTU is nothing more than that; a fable. DTU actually stands for Determind To Undress, a reflection on their undying desire to undress themselves for fellow supporters/cousins/family.
Auckland QueenzPhoenix Suns[edit | edit source]
Further establishing their nations inferiority to Australia, New Zealand have established a club in the A-League. Apart from the fact that the only victories tasted by this club was when they denied Queensland travel visas to play when they were scheduled to host them, they have also accomplished losing every single game they had ever played by an average margin of four thousand and fifty three goals, and they also play ball like a bunch of ten year old RETARDS who cannot play for SHIT.
The club was fucking killed by Steve Ballmer after he confused their official club badge with that of the Google logo. As such, a new team has been sought to replace the old. As they could not find one for fear of another Microsoft backlash, they hired the local NBA basketball team, the Phoenix Suns, to play in the A-league. When quoted on why they had hired a basketball team to play soccer, CEO Helen Clark said "Ye es be we have a peetch for them to pleai on en we can score seex goals." Multiple renowned hieroglyphic translators have been employed since to decipher exactly what the hell she actually said. Their star players include Ross Aloisi, his father/brother Daniel Beltrame, Daniel's girlfriend/mother to Aloisi. They root sheep to.
Sellout FC[edit | edit source]
Sydney FC is actually a global corporation (and the worst team)run by Rupert Murdoch and Satan. Their coach is Terry Butcher Branko Culina John Kosmina some Czech cunt, until he was executed Redfern style for failing in his first season as coach (he guided them into the playoffs, apparently this isn't enough). Sydney FC can boast having a marquee player however, that being Dwight Yorke Benito Carbone Kuza David Carney Jay Jay Okocha Philip Cocu Robbie Fowler Juninho Mark Bridge John Aloisi Harry Kewell Del Piero? (Fuck, if they lose with him in the side, they really suck!) Sydney have a cheerleading squad behind them, belittling and threatening supporting them all the way. This group is known as "The Stove".
Sydney have their fare share of Hollywood sponsorship, and are also known as Bling Bling FC due to a multimillion-dollar sponsorship deal with rapper 50 Cent, when asked of his involvement with the club company, Fifty replied "wuh hood em is niggurh ern shooden taie". Truer words could not have been more spoken, Fitty'.
Known for their shit and scummy Sydney rent guys support who are always too busy to watch while they give each other group sex just like cronulla.
They always seem to get anal from their non English speaking coach Vitezslav Lavicka no matter weather they lose, lose or lose
Brisbane Suncorp Shell Optimax AAPT Optus Foxtel Brisbane Coca-Cola Northern Amalgamated Foundries Coffee Club Heineken Roar Inc.[edit | edit source]
The only club that can boast having more ads on their shirt than decent players (2 and ¾), Brisbane is literally a walking, talking billboard. Whilst they're not underneath the table of a corporate conglomerate, they occasionally play soccer. Their major sponsors are Jayco and Waeco. The camping equipment companies, despite the amusing rhyme of their names, has lead many in the southern states of accusing them of being camp. Despite these shortcomings, the Roar have successfully won the A-League championship back-to-back for both 2011 and 2012, purely due to the fact they were facing in each grand final the Central Coast Mariners (Complete load of shit, couldn't even hold the lead for 20 seconds) and Perth Glory (Who the fuck are Perth? Enough said already).
Indeed, the name Roar is suspect, however after consistently beating the similarly stupidly named Glory Holes in inhumane fashion over the years this gay theory has been disproved. Despite this, supporters often stop by the Coffee Club before each game for a soy latte. The idea for the name Roar (commonly mistaken for whore) came about since Queenslanders really seem to like Lions which is supported by the overwhelming support for Chelski (who are no longer the lions and now have a vodka bottle mascot).
As of 2010, The Roar became the only A-League club to have an underwater training pitch after the Brisbane river literally couldn't hold any more shit, bodies or mutated bullsharks and utterly flooded Suncorp Stadium. After their high-profile coach Ange Postecoglou moved to Melbourne (Bolstering their hopes of scoring a goal in the upcoming season) and the high-profile signing of Del Piero by Sydney, Brisbane quickly responded in kind...by signing two completely unknown amateur Japanese players. Since, they have been woefully defeated by Adelaide, but still completely trounced the mighty Sellout FC without the unloved Besart Berisha kindly offering to "fight them all in the tunnel". The club (and all relevant sponsors, ALL of them) are hoping to score a third back-to-back championship this year, although this seems lightly unlikely this upcoming season without any form of decent coach.
Newcastle Jets[edit | edit source]
Newcastle would annihilate the competition if they used service agreements and had an owner that wanted to pay players AU$ instead of mangoes. Alas, neither of these conditions hold true, so they did the best they could and won the wooden spoon for season 2008/2009. Despite the humiliation of the last place finish, at least they aren't humiliated by the Gypsie appearance that many players from their closest rival possess. Unless of course it involves signing old unwanted Gypsie strikers. While there's no relegation in place in the A-League, who cares if you come last? The owner is happy to sell off players to recoup his lost billions and give the kids from the Romper Room-League a go. Who knows, maybe there's a quid in them as well!
The Jets are supported by a rather unimaginative group called the 'Squadrunts', who are also know as 'Bogan scum'. Largely the target of derision throughout Australia, these mullet-tops confine themselves to a single boring chant called 'New Car Sell', and a penchant for hanging their banners upside down. They claim the upside-down banners are a form of protest at their teams wooden spoon efforts in 2008/09, however examples of their difficulties with up\down and north\south were evident during their display of banners during their successful 2007/08 campaign. Club owner Con Constantine regularly throws supporters off the stadium balcony. Many of them have tragically fallen to their deaths.
The Newcastle strip is the laughing stock of the A-league. The colour of urine after a bad night on the turps('champagne' in the Jets eyes) it is widely suspected that the marketing consultants were 'taking-the-piss' when offering it up as a possible design. They also have no sponseres because they are el cheap cunts.
They are also know for having the worst player in the A-League, Ruben ZadkovichSHIT!
Amazing Money club Perth Glory[edit | edit source]
Perth Glory, an amazing team shit old shed with bear tits and.....more bear and tits. The glory have not lived up to the name of glorious of late, although made one grand final appearance against Brisbane in 2012 and were soundly defeated despite their best efforts...or any effort whatsoever.
The club has lashed out at rival fans labelling the club as "The Perth Glory-Holes", blatantly denying any form of dirty homosexual occurrences in the changing rooms. To this day however, they still continue to wear purple.
Melbourne Victory[edit | edit source]
Melbourne Victory is the best team in the a-league. They got Archie Thompson, Harry Kewell, and Marco Rojas. They have anal raped teams such as Inbred United, Shitney FC and the Melbourne Fart. But however, the team is going through a phase rightnow where the coach is considered as a massive dickhead, hence why the seasons not going as planned. however they still beat the teams mentioned above this season by results such as: 89–0, 54821-0 and 47543841424-0
In recent years however, the performance of the once great Melbourne Victory has come under constant scrutiny. A-League officials are wondering if they play soccer at all. So awful in fact, The Victory had been completely upstaged during the 2011/12 season by the new upstart club, The Melbourne Heart. The local press began asking, "Is the Victory even worth it at all?" which in turn prompted the club to steal lure away the coach of the current A-League champions, Ange Postecoglou. With his renowned determination and passion for the game, management have high expectations of The Victory scoring at least one goal in the 2012/2013 season. Possibly against themselves.
Gay Coast united[edit | edit source]
Run by Clive Palmer as the militant arm of his Zionist conspiracy, Gold Coast stunned the entire Australian footballing landscape when they signed every single one of the A-League rejects over the past five years and proudly proclaimed "we will go through the season without a win". This appears to have resonated with their fan base, which is now non existent after previous owner Clive Palmer completely banned the public from entering the stadium during any game. Despite this a new stadium has been built for the powerhouse of the A-League, they have tried to take over Sydney FC's gay fan demographic and their number 1 ticket holder is Gary Glitter, owing to their nickname "The Glitter Strip".
In a storm of controversy at the end of the 2011/12 season, the A-League revoked Gold Coast's license after taking the (politically-motivated) piss from Clive Palmer. Infurated, Palmer established his own football code to rival the FFA. As of 2012, not a single team at any level is playing on Palmer's new code, prompting the Australian media to denounce the new code "As the only sporting code in Australia even more boring than the AFL" (The Queensland Courier Mail, 2011). As a matter of fact, United were the only Australian professional sports team to play worse than the Gold Coast Suns in the separate AFL. This along with the woeful performance of the Gold Coast NRL team, The Titans, suggests that the Gold Coast is naturally the "sporting black hole" of the entire continent.
Robert Fowler deals drugs to school children[edit | edit source]
The most recent team to be given a license is the North Queensland Fury; and have the indignity of being the worst football side ever assembled in the history of association football. Their fans are actually disgruntled Brisbane Roar fans who are still furious that their club is supported by Uighurs, and are protesting.
Melbourne Heart[edit | edit source]
Despite their average performance over their first season, they're still proudly proclaiming that they're better than previous champions Melbourne Victory. Most other teams have scoffed at this accomplishment, often pointing out if there IS anyone worse than the Melbourne Victory after Gold Coast United and North Queenland had ceased to exist.
The League[edit | edit source]
The league is played out bi-annually in a square robin format, whereas each team plays each other ten thousand times, with games held at various venues around Australia, such as the Optus Dome and Mindharsh Stadion. Football in Austalia is played a little differently, as to compete with the other footballing codes. For one, the rules stipulate that each player prior to walking onto the pitch must have a blood alcohol level of over .05, the theory behind this is to simulate the riveting experience that is AFL. All players before being contracted as well, must have a background check to ensure that they have been arrested at least five times in their lives, to appeal to the rather criminal rugby league populace.
The ball is also oblong shaped, the ground in an oval, and the goals replaced with rugby style goals. Players can spear tackle each other or pull a Hopuate and insert the screw in the hole, so to speak, to account for leverage. The game is played over three halves of 90 minutes, and if the score is tied, as extra time a huge brawl occurs in the centre circle, the victor the last one standing. Ironically in all the extra time games Melbourne has played, their rabies infested fans have ensured their team has won, by beating senseless any opposing player still alive.
Points are awarded differently throughout the season too, a win constitutes as three points, a draw one point, and a loss constitutes the sacking of the coach who instigated the loss. A special rule applies for Sydney FC, whereas for every game they play they are fined one million Australian dollars and have seventeen points taken off due to salary cap woes.
The Players[edit | edit source]
Generally in their mid-seventies, A-league players are once talented players your grandaddy might know if he supported tranmere rovers or The Merseyside School of the Mentally Instable F.C. The majority of these people have long forgotten what a football (not soccer) even looks like, or what might be done with such an object.
The 2009/2010 A-League Table[edit | edit source]
At the conclusion of the season, Melbourne won something, Sydney lost a lot of stuff, and New Zealand's inferiority to the rest of the world was once again established. The table format is really self explanatory.
| Team | Won | Lost | Died | Number of Inbred Fans |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Melbourne Victory rules all | all respect | Many Sydneysiders | 0 | |
| Adelaide United | 4 | John Aloisi (The Better one, bloody legend | Ross Aloisi (The Shit One) | All of them |
| Newcastle Jets | NULL | ALL | NULL | 0 |
| Sellout FC | 4 | 4 | Terry Butcher | 17,213,211,321,021,431,200,445,119,329,004,543,492,423 |
| Suncorp Shell Optimax AAPT Optus Foxtel Coca-Cola Northern Amalgamated Foundries Heineken Roar |
2 (One fluke) | 4 | 4 | 0 |
| Central Coast Mariners | Award For Most Degenerate Supporters 2008 | Every Grand Final they have contested | Nik Mrdja, Dean Heffernan | 0 |
| Gay Pride Glory Sandgropers | 4 | 4 | 4 | 0 |
| Auckland Queenz | 0 | 20423948395 | 594356804690445647843.3 | 0 |
| Gold Coast Faggots | 0 | 0 | 0 | 3 |
| North Queensland Crack Addicts | 0 | Robert Fowler's Soberness | 78 | 0 |
A-League success[edit | edit source]
The winner of the league will receive the converted John Howard Memorial Gobshite Trophy, last year presented to Melbourne for having the most amount of fan protests of any other club. The trophy is revered throughout world football and is partially the reason why David Beckham has recently signed on to play for Adelaide United.
Melbourne won the trophy for the 2nd time in their history after Aurelio Vidmar, enraged at the discovery that he was from Adelaide, assassinated every last Adelaide player on the pitch during the 2nd half of the grand final, before shooting himself.
The Mark Shield Shield[edit | edit source]
Each season the A-League Runners Up receive the Mark Shield Shield, for the simple irony that his last name is funny, and his refereeing is shit, but hey, at least he's been in a World Cup final.
Is also good friends with Matthew Breeze. Bastard.
