Wellington

Wellington is the capital of New Zealand, famous for its cake tin stadium and its glorious 200km/h 2,000km/h winds. It contains one of the best train stations in New Zealand, and is the preferred location for playing chicken. It's a really, really, really cool city, it has its own mayor and an airport and lots of cafes and everything!

However, Wellington also sits on top of a highly active fault line. It is unknown who's idea it was to build the city where it is, but recent studies show that all citizens were actually neurologically vandalized, destroying any memory of the person responsible. Despite the recent earthquake in Christchurch in the South Island of New Zealand the residents of Wellington continue to live, oblivious to the fact that they too will soon be wiped from the face of the planet. Ignorant residents of Wellington root sheep, while the rest of the world waits to see whether Wellington or Auckland will be first to be demolished due to their completely idiotic locations. Will it be Wellington, easily swallowed one day by the fault line beneath it? Or will it be Auckland, the City of Cones, simply crushed by molten rock and ash erupting from surrounding "dormant" volcanoes?

New Zealand's capital

Wellington hosts New Zealand's parliament, a large building called the Beehive, which is also happens to be it's shape. The Beehive is renowned for the grumpy old women who inhabit it (see Helen Clark), who argue constantly about the latest Maori land rights and what has recently been offensive to Maoris. The Beehive was originally hosted in Auckland, and had the Sky Tower on top of it, but had to be moved down to Wellington due to the fact that people from Invercargill were always late to caucus meetings. The Beehive remained completely intact for about a week, then a large storm came and blew the Sky Tower back up north. It landed in Paeroa. A large debate occurred between Auckland and Paeroa, until, finally, Helen Clark made it law that no towns beginning in "P" could have more than one national icon. So they took it back. Auckland, even today, still believe they are the capital city of New Zealand.

Location and geography

Wellington is like Auckland but smaller, not like that is something to aspire too, or anything. The people smell and speak in a strange unknown dialect on English. Keep away. Wellington is only two kilometres wide so it can be explored easily on foot, or alternatively by Segway if you are that way inclined, though you will look like a dickhead if you do.

The Hutt Valley should be avoided at all costs. The towns of Lower and Upper Hutts are homes of rabid monkeys with a large shopping centre. Abandon all hope ye who venture over the Wainui hill. These two regions are home to the genus "boganus trashius" who pose a threat to persons wearing ties and those who cannot distinguish between a VX and a VZ Commodore (or, to the less GM-inclined, an XR6 and an XR8 Ford.).

Newtown is a NO GO ZONE unless you want some psycho Meth-crazed weirdo carjacking you at the Riddiford/Rintoul St Junction Lights or some Unscrupulous Teens mugging people outside New World. Newtown has the highest number of Meth-Labs in Wellington than any other suburb and much of newtown's residents are bunged up on P or binge drink Turpentine while loitering in bus shelters abusing commuters or demanding money with menaces to fuel their P or turpentine fix. Newtown residents also lack basic dental hygiene as shown as they shout abuse at people down constable st on a Tuesday morning venting their displaced anger because WINZ slashed their benny by a 1/2. Many of them made the trek from the Notorious halfway house AKA Capital City Lodge to engage in anti-social and criminal activity.

Porirua is a town twenty minutes north of Wellington. It is also known as P-Town because it sports some of the nations highest producing P (Methamphetamine) Labs. People and their pet dogs come from all over the South Pacific to feast at Porirua's ginormous 20-floor KFC restaurant, which is the only source of food in a 15 kilometre radius. Porirua is highly respected for its cheap government-owned housing and achievements in breakdancing. Due to the closure of Porirua Mental Hospital over a decade ago, the streets are overflowing with mental patients.

The Kapiti coast is home to the world's largest indigenous population of NZ First voters, as well as a substantial geriatric colony. Unfortunately for visitors to the Wellington region, the commute to the Kapiti coast is a long and arduous one, requiring great stamina, meticulous preparation, and a car radio which can pick up stations other than the Breeze, which will eventually cause you to start eating various parts of your car -- such as your windscreen wipers, side-view mirrors or that horrible little fluffy kiwi shaped windscreen-ornament that you picked up for half price in some crappy little souvenir store -- out of pure madness. The journey also requires passing through Porirua; most Kapiti coasters have armoured vehicles for this purpose, keeping their doors locked at all times and not slowing down to less than 80 kilometres per hour. Any clinging mental patients must be wiped off at the checkpoints on Porirua's borders.

The Wairarapa is home to a wide variety of farms and farm-like objects, much like other countries with farms and farm-like objects. It is therefore only of interest to South Koreans, who have never been exposed to the likes of open fields and naturally-coloured green things before.

The city often gets mistaken for a small town in Colorado, USA. The cultures differ greatly.

Suburbs

Wellington has some amazing suburbs, unique in their diverse ways.

Wellington is also a small town in Somerset. I do not recommend to go there as it is an apsolute dump and anyone who thinks otherwise should be taken deep into some unknown forest and shot in the face.

Arts and culture

Wellington is the arts and culture capital of New Zealand, which is no surprise to anyone who has been to Hamilton, Christchurch or Twizel.

Wellington is for nature lovers as well as arts and culture enthusiasts. Wellington is not for fat people, neither is it particularly welcoming to ugly ones.

The South Coast is one of Wellington’s most beautiful places. Visit the New Zealand fur seal colony or just watch the waves. Alternatively, you could try going for a swim, if you have a grudge to bear against your testicles.

Oriental Parade is a capitalist's paradise, as diet-Coke swilling "females" parade their immense child-bearing capabilities during excursions from the local institute of Craig Jenny. Their natural displays are a sight to behold as gluttinous substances spill gracefully from the top of their shorts, and small groups of cellulites form elaborate patterns amongst the local thighs (the collective noun for a group of cellulites is, in fact, a "murder").

Mountain bike through native bush at Makara Peak, home of the giant kiwi (3m tall), or hop in your Aquada out to Scorching Bay – the choice is yours. Or visit the gun emplacements at Wright's Hill, where hobbits were imprisoned during the First World War and where Communists go to drink vodka and laugh at boy racers every Friday night as they cruise past in their lowered imported cars, listening to such New Zealand classic hits as Dei Hamo and the Fast Crew.

Discover New Zealand’s heritage in Wellington. The city is home to the Parliament Buildings, known internationally as Helengrad because of its deep voices, Gothic Architecture and high level of dental defects. The city also boasts many fascinating museums and abandoned buildings, which tell the story of New Zealand in phonetics, pictograms, braille and graffiti.

Museums and cultural institutions

• Karori Wildlife Sanctuary: This massive fortress was designed to harbor all the useless but cuddly creatures that we can find, plus many a zombie plan revolves around getting in and finding a big stick.

• Te Papa: Te Papa (translated "Oom-pah-pah") is the city's vibrant museum and national theme park, famous for its anchor in the entrance hallway, which was put there by Maui (the motor-home company) because there was a free spot. Teenagers of Wellington are often found at Te Papa stealing wheelchairs for use around various races in the town. These circuits include "Down Cuba," "Public Parking Buildings" and the "Mount Victoria Run". Te Papa is on the waterfront, and not suitable for those who believe in earthquakes. Walk to Te Papa from a central city restaurant or bar and stop for a leak at a local fashion store or an art gallery on the way, remembering that there is a liquor ban in the central city and the fuzz must be avoided at all costs.

• Westpac Stadium: The Westpac Stadium is the gayest reason to come to Wellington, with the legendary Jerry Collins protecting our grounds from a Canterbury revenge attack. It was named The Westpac Stadium after the local Westpac Dog Food company donated 20,000 tins of its product to be eaten during the opening ceremony. The Stadium is the most accessible place in New Zealand, being near the airport, train station, bus stop, and harbour; it also contains its own carpark, helipad, and space shuttle landing zone. It is also said that the cake tin can be seen from the moon if you are standing on one leg, naked in a space suit trying to rub your stomach, pat your head and drawing circles with your foot in the air, though why anyone would attempt this is beyond stupidity (unless you are Helen Clark, who is the purest form of stupid).

Festivals

Festivals and events are held here throughout the year. A highlight is the biennial New Zealand International Arts Festival – a month long arts festival. This is surpassed only by the weekly "homeless appreciation fair" held in Cuba Mall, as well as the many manifestations of Imperial power seen on Lambton Quay as the government-sponsored parades entitled "Clarkfests" make their way down the main shopping street. Another recent, but now annual, event is the yearly "Andy Serkis Appreciation Parade" held in early December, in which the actor is borne on a litter down a sea of approximately 500,000 tourists who've come especially for the event, then deposited at the front doors of a small movie theatre owned by good friend and famous mid-deep wicket Peter Jackson, where the two watch a three-hour remake of a Ralph Bakshi film, or a documentary on native apes of the Upper Hutt.

Education

There are many schools in Wellington: Wellington High School (also known as the place of most stoning), Scots College (whose official slogan is: Sports doesn't make an all-rounded man, money does. Students wear dresses called 'kilts' and its nefarious headmaster cannot smile), Wellington College, which has gained a rather large reputation for its snooty, elitist environment, Samuel Marsden Collegiate (where rich girls can steal from other rich girls) St Mary's (where girls can be assured of losing their virginity and taking up smoking) and other less well known schools such as Wellington Girls College, where gossip is most strongly discouraged, and girls are taught to be civil and courteous.. It should also be noted that Wellington East Girls College is the only girls college in Wellington that isn't actually attended by any girls, rather puffer jacket and Country Road bag donning pumpkin faces, and provides employment to the nearby asian haven brothel. Queen Margaret College is reknowned for their hard workers, who have yet to recognize the proportion of the population who do not earn large excesses of money. Onslow College is well known for having police sniffer dog drills instead of fire drills, and finally Newlands college, which, lets face it, no one cares about.

Shopping

Wellington has excellent shopping (check out SaveMart in the Creek), professional theatre and cafes and restaurants all close to untouched children, and a fairly unhealthy dose of empty Starbucks cups litter the streets as well. Wellington is ALSO home to Mitchell seymour who gives in depth advice to speeding drivers who unlike him actually know how to drive

Transportation

The Wellington Cable Car is the primary mode of transportation in Wellington. It is also known as the glorious turd mover of the asshole of the world by the Australians (who have been known to ride kangaroos from A to B) which charges ridiculously high prices for distances that can be walked by my grandma in 5 minutes. Or Mitchell Seymor in 7 minutes.

The Wellington city council (lead by the terminator) is planning on building a giant flying fox from Victoria University down to the CBD. Students have long been complaining about having to walk all the way down a big hill to get to the shops so the council has decided to build this marvelous contraption. It will be completed mid 2013 and cost $5 a ride. However, complaints have been soring in as this flying fox will only go 5 kilometers an hour (far to fast for Wellintonians)these complaints have put the whole project in jeopardy and is becoming increasingly likely that the project will be scraped, much to the dismay of the terminator.

Wellingtonians

Wellington is not for fat people, neither is it particularly welcoming to ugly ones. Except For Mike Wallace, or Paul Wallace (boy he's ugly). There is a tendency among Wellingtonians to wear suits, black suits, boring black suits. This often makes the city's population look androgynous, much like...

Running is a popular pastime for Wellingtonians. Tourists have been known to clap the passing lunchtime runners while enquiring where the marathon ends.

It is a little known fact, but once every year, residents of Wellington paint their bottoms purple and run through the streets singing the theme song to The Muppets. This tradition originates from an early city mayor who was distantly related to Miss Piggy. According to some Dorklanders this is funny.