Hertz Van Rental

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Here we see Hertz insisting that his teammates refer to him as Polly and 'pull his spout'. This became known as his 'Teapot Period'

Hertz Van Rental, international Dutch footballer, inventor of the offside rule, and accomplished after dinner speaker, was born in Holland in 1803. His father, an unemployed sheep-fucker, and his mother (who had only become pregnant to win a bet anyway) soon became tired of his incessant demands for butterscotch Angel Delight and promptly buggered off to Weston-Super-Mare in search of a better life for themselves and their extensive collection of whistling mollusks. They left poor old Hertz to fend for himself.

How it all began[edit | edit source]

The Childhood Years[edit | edit source]

A difficult childhood followed his abandonment. After years of surviving on only Vesta curries, linguine with cockles and shrimp, guava mousse, and a sinfully rich bread pudding with rum sauce (which he salvaged from skips round the back of the cafe) he was spotted by the assistant manager of his local Aldi. After impressing the manager with his magnificent works of yogurt weaving and extensive knowledge of lesser known German sausages, Hertz was awarded a scholarship at the highly respected Krapperstien University of Total Football. He was ecstatic.

Tragedy Strikes[edit | edit source]

Alas, his idyllic university life was not to last. Following a rather unfortunate rag week stunt involving a goat, some bailing twine, and a small Filipino boy, he was driven out of the university. Despite outcry and controversy, burly university pfovosts showed Hertz the door and he was turned out to roam the streets of Krapperstien.

Destitute once more, he was forced to eke out a meager living entertaining the local tramps and clog turners with his peculiar, spastic-like dancing and anal puppetry.

The Glittering Career[edit | edit source]

His fortunes were soon to change, however. After a chance encounter with Dick Van Dyke at a local bingo parlour he signed a professional contract with the highly regarded Dutch Football team—also the world's leading manufacturer of scouring powder -- Ajax.

He had a highly successful career spanning three decades with Ajax. Hertz won every single football trophy there was to win in Holland and was capped a record 5,716 times (although he only ever turned up twice due to an ongoing problem with flatulence). Never-the-less, he became a national treasure and icon to clog-wearing, windmill-loving, Tulip-eating, stoner, porno-obsessive, adults and children alike.

The Madness of Hertz[edit | edit source]

Alas, tragedy was to strike this ball-kicking genius yet again. Several controversial incidents bring his sanity into question.

First, there was the unfortunate incident, during a pre-season friendly at Oxford United. A gazelle invaded the pitch, enraged, Hertz went after it. He killed it outright with a single blow to its temple with the outside of his boot, and stashed its corpse in the dugout. Later, he hoisted it on his shoulders and—naked except for his magic boots—he paraded it through the streets of Ching crying "Uuuulaaa!"

This is widely believed to be the first sign of the onset of his madness. The 'Teapot Period' (see insert) came soon after, but the final nail in the coffin of this great man's career was to come later on, when in his twilight years at the age of 26, and after a foolhardy evening of drinking, he handed in a transfer request stating that he wanted to go to West Bromwich Albion, "To get a shot at the LDV Trophy and have a nice curry."

He was promptly declared completely insane by the Dutch Board of Football, and beheaded.

After this his career went into decline and he retired to Saint-Jean-le-Thomas where he lives to this day, working as a pencil sharpener.