Kylian Mbappe
Kylian Mbappe Lottin (or 'Mbappé' if you are one of those "French" people) (born 20 December 1998) is the de facto President of France, Master Splinter's apprentice, and a so-called 'Professional' footballer who will be/won't be/is currently at Real Madrid (covering all bases here). He is known for playing in whatever position will pay him most, and his rapid speed, only to be rivalled by his superior, Kyle "Runner" Walker.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Born in the sewers of New York City and an avid fan of pizza, Mbappe was born a mutt. His father is Cameroonian and his mother is Algerian. Not much is known of his early life, but it is known that he was a fan of famous divers such as Penaldo and Pessi, and has 2 brothers, who may or may not exist.
Club Career[edit | edit source]
Already getting the thirst for the $$$ at an early age, Mbappe decided to move to AS Moneyco at 15 years old. The move allowed him to network with tax-dodging billionaires who may have had connections with Jeffrey Epstein, and as a result have seen Mbappe as their future boy-toy in the principality. Nothing much of note happened on the pitch at Monaco. Although he won Ligue 1, but it's a farmer's league so who cares.
He later moved to Qatari club PSG in 2018, becoming the 2nd most expensive pace merchant footballer in the world. At PSG, he scored at least 5 goals, but the record-keepers lost count at that point as they fell asleep after being tasked to watch Ligue 1 matches. He also kept demanding for daddy Macron and other daddy Tamam bin Hamad to make him President of France, PSG, Supreme Leader of the Universe, and all the money in Fort Knox. Instead, Mbappe and co. compromised and he got a bit more money, and a ladyboy girlfriend(?).
This didn't sate Mbappe for long however, as he is now set to join Real Madrid in 2024. There were rumours of him joining a club in Saudi Arabia, but the monarchy there pulled out at the last minute, citing Mbappe's girlfriend as being "Too haram".
International Career[edit | edit source]
Mbappe started making appearances for the French National Team in 2017. At this point, he already failed miserably at replacing the sexiness of Olivier Giroud, instead looking like a bowl of brown porridge with the vague resemblance of a face. In 2018, he and his team won the World Cup in Russia, which was rigged just like the voting to select the World Cup location (France can't win anything fairly). He also scored against a bunch of jobbers (The Croatian National Team) who seemed to let any shot go in that day. As a result, Mbappe was the 2nd teenager to score in a World Cup final since Pele (but since when do we trust goal statistics from him?).
Then in Euro 2020, the world saw peak Mbappe. He went on to score 0 goals, and France went out in the semis to Switzerland in the round of 16 (which, if you don't know football, is really fucking bad). He went home as a national disgrace and proceeded to cry into his bed made of solid gold.
In World Cup 2022 in Qatar, Mbappe and his French cronies once again tried to rig the tournament, but were outdone by Messi offering more money to FIFA and Qatar, as well as supplying them with a 10 year supply of growth hormones. As a result, France lost in the final to Argentina, and Mbappe did absolutely nothing of note like the fraud he is.
According to sources, Mbappe is looking to renounce his French citizenship, and will represent a real national team, like Algeria, Cameroon, or Qatar.
Statistics[edit | edit source]
| Ligue 1 | Cup | International | |
|---|---|---|---|
| 2015 | ? | ? | 0 |
| 2016 | 1 or 2 | ? | 0 |
| 2017 | who cares | ? | at least 0 |
| 2018 | 7? | ? | -3 |
| 2019 | an integer | ? | 0.7 |
| 2020 | π | ? | 69 |
| 2021 | lost count | ? | -69 |
