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You're next, Motherfucker.

My name is Dexter. Dexter Morgan. I'm a forensic blood-spatter analyst working for the Miami Metropolitan Police Department. I took this job knowing fully well I would have to encounter dead bodies and blood for almost every day of my life. However, unlike the rest of you people, who probably get squeamish at the very thought of blood, I really don't mind my work. In fact, I rather enjoy working with blood-ridden corpses. Just as much as I enjoy creating them.

What? What do you mean?[edit | edit source]

Well, truth is, I have a hobby. A hobby which I enjoy thoroughly. I usually focus on my hobby in the nighttime, you know, when it's safer. In fact, I witnessed somebody who had a very similar hobby to mine do something to my mother when I was a toddler. And yes, my hobby is to turn living people into bits of bone and meat. Every single night.

What? You're a serial killer?[edit | edit source]

That's right. Ever since the guy who had a similar hobby to mine did something to my mother, I have felt this powerful, irresistible need to do the same thing to others. When I was but 11 years old, I used to slaughter puppies in my neighborhood. Their yelping and jumping was so annoying!

Stop your yelping, or I will kill you.

You killed puppies? Yecch![edit | edit source]

Yeah, my adoptive father, Harry Morgan discovered their remains. I told them how much they annoyed me and his wife, but he just wouldn't listen.

So what did he do? Lock you up in a psychiatric ward, 'cause you kind of deserve that.[edit | edit source]

No, he didn't. He thought my uncontrollable need to kill could actually be put to good use.

Excuse me, Dr. Rudy Cooper, did I correctly find your inner sockpuppet by saying you're my brother, Brian Moser?

What?[edit | edit source]

Let me finish! You see, my father was part of the rescue team who took me out of the storage container where the guy who had a very similar hobby to mine did something to my mother. He brought me up despite knowing about my murderous needs. In fact, it's all thanks to him that I haven't been caught yet!

Now, about that part about my need to kill being put to good use. You see, I do hack people to bits every night, but I don't just hack up anybody. I hack up people who have similar hobbies to mine. I hack up people who for some reason can't really stop themselves from raping and murdering women, from molesting and slaughtering children, or from blowing people's brains off for kicks. I am a serial killer, who takes out other serial killers and sex offenders. Poor things, they can never see me coming.

You mean the kind of people who would have gotten a lethal injection anyways, had they been convicted by a court of law.[edit | edit source]

Yes. And that's what's I love about Miami. The courts here can never convict anybody! I never have to worry about busting people out of jail in order to kill them myself. I just have to wait for them to buy their way out before taking care of them.

Hmm ... guess that does make some sense. So tell me, Dexter, how come you never get caught?[edit | edit source]

Well, it's all thanks to the Code of Harry, a set of rules and procedures my father gave to me. Thanks to his teachings, I'm very methodical and systematic in my way of killing. All murders I commit are premeditated. In fact, let me give you a step-by-step guide, in case you want to kill a criminal yourself one of these days.

Step 1[edit | edit source]

Watch the news, or if you work in the police like I do, keep track of all cases homicide is working on. Sooner or later, they're going to make an arrest, and sooner or later, the arrested guy is going to walk free.

Step 2[edit | edit source]

Spy on the arrested guy who has walked free. Find out where he lives, what he does every day, and most importantly, what is the one shady place he goes to but never tells his family about? (In case he doesn't have a family, just look at all the places he goes to and figure out for yourself which one seems a little shady.)

Step 3[edit | edit source]

Spy on the guy who has walked free when he's around the shady place he goes to but never tells his family about. There are only so many reasons why a guy would ever go to such a shady place. If he's not doing drugs or cheating on his wife, chances are that he abducts people and kills them there, or he stashes dead bodies there and checks on them from time to time (if he indeed does so, chances are he's a necrophile), or he moves dead bodies he had previously stashed there. If any of these three possibilities turn out be true, you've got yourself a target!

Of course, there is a fourth possibility. Many people don't do the dirty work themselves, but often hire contract killers for the same. If you see him meeting a shady dude, and then telling him off about how he couldn't "take care of her properly", you've got yourself two targets!

Step 4[edit | edit source]

Go back to the drawing board and analyze how your target carries on with his life every day. You'll eventually find out when he's the most vulnerable. As people are easier to abduct during the nighttime, that's when I carry out my murders.

When you think you're ready, you can stalk him, check if nobody's looking, and then grab him. I prefer drugging my victims while abducting them. Since they can't struggle if they're unconscious, and since I have access to a variety of anesthetics thanks to my job at the Miami PD, drugging my victims makes my task a whole lot easier. You, on the other hand, may not have access to such drugs, so I suggest purchasing some chloroform from the chemist in advance.

Step 5[edit | edit source]

Stripping your victims naked and covering them in plastic takes time, so you need to practice a lot in order to get the job done quickly enough. I suggest you take charge of all the wrapping work in the household, and practice the art of stripping people naked whilst having sex with your partner and/or spouse.

Prepare, the killing chamber. This is the place where you'll butcher your victim, so I suggest you go all out in designing it. The killing chamber needs to serve the dual purpose of preventing any gory mess that may be discovered, as well as providing your victim with a most terrifying death. After all, he did kill a lot of innocent people in his lifetime. He deserves it.

You need to tie the victim down firmly, so I suggest you wrap him in plastic and strap him to a bed. Make sure the entire room is covered in plastic as well, so that no blood can leave the room. Be sure to wear some sort of surgical gown so that there are no bloodstains on your clothes. Now, take out your killing tools (they could be anything, a butcher's cleaver, a machete, a hand-saw) and have fun!

Step 6[edit | edit source]

Once you've killed and dismembered your victim, be sure to collect all his remains in a trash bag. You can then leave, set the room on fire, and drive over to the bay and dump the bag when no one's looking. Congratulations, you just killed a murderer!

Wow! I must say, that is very organized.[edit | edit source]

Yes, my father taught me well. Too bad him and mum are dead now.

You didn't kill them did you?[edit | edit source]

Of course not! Honestly! He fell seriously ill.

Oh, okay I get it.[edit | edit source]

Er ... Good.

Wait, is there something you're hiding from me?[edit | edit source]

He kinda killed himself. First, he told me to kill a nurse who was deliberately poisoning him, and then ...

And then what?[edit | edit source]

And then a murderous pimp was acquitted because of a faulty search warrant, and my father told me how he was right in training me and ...

And ...[edit | edit source]

And I ...well ..I ... kind of showed him my work ...

Jesus Friggin' Christ, are you out of your mind?[edit | edit source]

Well, I am a serial killer.

But-but-but-but still ...[edit | edit source]

Alright, enough of that! I still stand by his code, I still kill only other murderers, okay?

Alright, alright, I'm not gonna puke ...[edit | edit source]

Oh, wait. I just remembered, you were charged for the murder of Jackie Stanton a few months ago, weren't you?

Look, I swear I didn't do it ...[edit | edit source]

I know! Your wife did. (throws a body bag)

Huh?[edit | edit source]

Yeah, took me quite a while to crack this case. Anyways, she begged me to spare her, saying she had a family. Of course, I didn't. But I did coerce her into telling everything about her family, and that's how I found you! Now, you can bury this or dump this, I don't care. But don't bother trying to get me in jail for this. You won't succeed. (walks away)

Dexter! DEXTER! Get back here! How can you just ... but my wife was ... but then ... aw, screw it, I'm gonna smoke some hash.[edit | edit source]