This is an article about Silent Hill
- If you're looking for a girl in a burning house, then for the good of yourself, just let her die like she told you to and get the hell back in your truck.
- If you're looking for your daughter with short, black hair, just turned seven last month, you should probably just go home. Trust me.
- If you're looking for Mary, she's dead. You killed her, sicko.
- If you're looking for revenge, you should probably sit down first and think it through.
- If you're looking for a way out of your locked apartment, forget the hole in your bathroom, break down the wall by your bedroom door and take the key from the crucified corpse of a serial killer rotting inside.
- If you're looking for your missing brother, for God's sake, why don't you just leave stuff like that to the police?
- If you're looking for Cheryl Heather MasonISTAN, then you died in a car crash and you actually don't exist, poor you.
- If you're looking for an excuse for murdering your son's murderer, there isn't any and you ruined your family life already, also that hammer dude isn't there to punish you, you're using him as an excuse to not owe up to what you did.
- If you come across any hot girls, fuck them immediately. The next time you see them they'll either be dead or a monster.
- Furthermore, if you're looking for a quiet place of reflection with a higher altitude than the surrounding area, then this isn't it.
“The lock is broken, I cant open it! ”
“Those guys just nuts.”
“It must be quiet up there.”
“I lived there once, it was nice up until some guy lost his daughter... He kept running around screaming something about monsters... He ended up raiding a school, several homes, and a hospital... Beat the shit outta some people... Dude was sick man, his daughter was down the street at the Star Bucks.”
“Oh yeah, I lived there once....Till I found "YOU WILL ENCOUNTER A WALL OF DARKNESS AND THE WRATH OF THE UNDERWORLD, THESE WILL HELP YOU" written in blood on my bathroom wall. After that, I just got the hell outta town.”
“Yeah, some guy ran around screaming for his wife... I think he was high because he kept talking about monsters and following a girl around asking about his wife... Everyone here knew that he killed his wife... that sick bastard...”
“YOU WANT ME TO LOOK FOR A F**KING TOY BUNNY?! ”
“There is some mist in the town at times”
“It was consensual...I Swear!!”
“Fuck off and die, you worthless piece of shit. This franchise should have died 10 games ago.”
This town was founded in the year 33 B.C. by the Konami Corporation of Japan where it was ruled with an iron fist. In 334 A.D., a great famine pressured the citizens of Silent Hill to rebel against the oppressive Konami Corporation. Around 1243 A.D., Konami's rule vanished from Silent Hill due to the fact that Konami had more serious and interesting issues to deal with such as implementing subliminal propaganda into Japanese children's programming. The United States of America saw much potential in the developing Silent Hill and was admitted as part of the United States of America around the year 1354. In the year 1401 A.D., Eliza Kraig created a flag for Silent Hill that depicted her stance on the abortion issue. 5 months after it Eliza Kraig's flag became of the official flag of the state of Silent Hill, talk show host Oprah Winfrey called the government of Silent Hill saying she was greatly offended by the flag and it was later removed. In 1996, Silent Hill was named Tree City, USA. It is also known that Silent Hill is in fact not silent whatsoever and is no where near a hill. Further, it is a false advertisement and should be sued. In 1999, Silent Hill is covered by lethal amounts of smog due to pollution of cars, killing thousands, some survived.
The town has a population of about 18,243 people, all of which roughly share the same opinions and stances on political issues. The citizens of Silent Hill are very liberal, almost communist. Popular leftist politician Ralph Nader has made several visits to Silent Hill, all of which involved a large clean up after his visit and a sterilization of sexually transmitted diseases. The citizens of Silent Hill greatly oppose domestic violence and show their strong opposition to domestic violence by violently beating people who oppose their opposition to domestic violence. The people of Silent Hill like to settle disputes by not breathing for a period of time until one of them eventually dies. The winner is the one that died from the loss of breath. Luckily, not many people in Silent Hill have disputes because they for the most part share the same opinions and stances on political issues, so most of the time, they use this method usually when debating whether to order pizza or chinese food. However, stalking seems to be a major problem in the town since many women complain about a man who leaves them creepy love letters and a creepier barbie doll everywhere they go. A famous resident, Triangle Man, has a ongoing rivalry with Person Man, aka James. They have a fight, Triangle wins. Triangle Man. Also, the painter H. R. Giger was inspired by the beautiful senery of Silent Hill to create his paintings.
It is unknown as to why this is, but: whenever someone from out of town heads into Silent Hill, they always go on a murderous rampage, claiming that the people they killed were not, in fact, people, but rather, "Sexy nurses coming onto me with a pipe... I had a feeling they were gonna stick that pipe somewhere I don't want it to be." Sadly, what those people do not know is that the nurses were merely trying to fix the water works downstairs (one visitor complained that they nearly drowned in a blood-like substance in one room and seeing a mirror that has a bloody version of its reflection, touching it results in going to "Narnia"), and the strange, protruding thing from their backs were just part of the nurse costume. The hospital curator, Dr. Kaufmann, has realized that the costumes should probably be changed and fire Lisa Garland for encouraging a truck driver to have sex with her, but Lisa simply returned the favor by dragging Dr. Kaufmann to HELL !!, people also do not want to be helped by nurses with blood and melted surgical masks around their mouths. Some people also complains about the freakishly bottomless abyss in roads, making it difficult to go to some important landmarks, especially Rosewater Park.
Family life in Silent Hill also tends to be rather strained. Most parents in Silent Hill have a bad habit of dying, dying and turning into monsters, burning their kids in their own home, sacrificing their kids to awaken dark gods, sacrificing their kids to appease dark gods, sexually abusing them, encouraging said sexual abuse, or just abandon them the first chance they get. Some fathers in Silent Hill even have a gross habit of collecting umbilical cords of strange babies left in their apartments. Yuck.
Silent Hill is famous for its nightclubs (Heaven's Night in particular), whose dancers always bear a striking resemblance to the patrons' wives (living or dead), only much sexier and they don't nag nearly as much. Unless, of course, you leave them alone in a hospital room, because then, oh man, are you in for it! It's a shame they keep getting stabbed and dying, though. This is okay, however, as it's essential for these Wife-Like dancers to continually die and resurrect as it's the ultimate way for guilty patrons (Most commonly those who kill their own wife) to realise their wrongs and finally accept the error of their ways.
Also of note is the popular date destination: "Pete's Bowl o' Rama", famous for its automated pizza making machine that ensures patrons will always have a fresh pie even if the entire town has been totally abandoned and over-run with demonic creations borne from the unconscious desires of the guilty. Note that you should not come across a little girl, or she'll call you a gutless fatso and lock you into a room filled with creatures that looks like H. R. Giger's secret stash.
While in Silent Hill you may want to check out the historical society, which celebrates the town's rich history of ritual executions, unexplained nautical deaths, bizarre Native-American/Kabbalistic religious ceremonies, and the Famous Triangle Man.
Got a special someone in your life? Take them to Brookehaven Hospital, where the two of you can read poetry on eating your loved one's face. The girls always go wild for that one. Or you could just smother them with a pillow. It's up to you. Single? No worries! Brookehaven's oh so sex-ay nurses will make sure you get the love and affection you deserve. Just make sure they don't shove their lead pipe at your ass when they get horny. If you're a couple looking for excitement, go to Touluca Lake, where the two of you can spend an exciting day looking at the exciting water, you wild things.
Feel you've got a good grasp on trivia? Why not play Silent Hill's favorite (and really only) game show, Trick or Treat, where you'll be quizzed on Silent Hill's attractions, geography and brutal axe murders. Even if you lose, you'll win the grand prize: a slow painful death! It's good clean family fun! All you need to play the home version of the game is a crappy, staticy radio.
Following the graffiti artist striking in Bar Neelys, the owner decided to sell up and move out, Bar Neelys has now been bought out by Starbucks Who have bought most of Neely Road.
The subway's also a hotspot for picking up hookers, so long as you're willing to get them out. The best part is, they won't even charge you since they'll think they're dreaming. But the catch is, they'll suddenly run off into the girls' room to throw up without warning, then disappear into thin air. Afterwards, they'll call you up just to blame you for it. Hookers in Silent Hill are confusing.
Artaud Theater is also showing a production of Shakespeare's under-rated masterpiece, Tempest. While the production values are good for a small town play, you won't get a refund on your ticket if a delinquent girl imbued with satanic powers sneaks in halfway through the act, freaks out when she sees the Caliban costume, and inadvertantly gives you a nose bleed. Because if a nosebleed is the worse that happens when a girl imbued with satanic powers freaks out, you should be thanking your lucky stars.
For a brief moment, the entire town was shocked to discover a murder rate of 3.9 billion people per year. However, it was later discovered that it was the same victim in almost every case, and she wasn't even a real person anyway. The remainder of the murder cases were thrown out when a grand jury unanimously decided that it was okay to kill a person "If they were making fun of you with their eyes". Or if they constantly complained about "being sick and gross". They also decided that saying w00t was a offense worthy of rape, and disembowelment. But if you want to drag a local pervert to your apartment, strip him but-naked and whomp the shit out of him, no one will lift a finger to stop you so long as you're willing to share his clothes with your neighbors. A few days ago, a young st-stuttering m-man l-l-looking for some chocolate (oh chocolate!) milk was f-found b-burned t-to d-d-d-death in th-the f-f-forest outside of town. The police burned the victim's remains again for good measure. The police also encourages its citizens to put a bullet in the head of their mentally-enfeebled mothers if they're strapped to some weird, grusome, device of slow painful death. They'll thank you for it later.
Silent Hill has the 8th largest economy in the world. Joseph Letterman, economist and home-town hero of Silent Hill's capital city: Silent Hill, SH began an unstoppable slave trading scam with the country of Nigeria in 3253 A.D. which skyrocketed the economy to it's current state. Silent Hill is the United States of America's lead producer hemp, and because hemp is now very popular in Canada, Silent Hill's profits from hemp are very high.
Silent Hill was also a major exporter of mirrors, until a consumer advocacy group discovered a defect in their model 17-A which caused the reflection to stop moving and gradually become covered in blood. These defective models have all since been replaced with the newer 17-Bs which merely transport the looker into an alternate reality/soul-crushing, maddening nightmare without beginning or end inhabited by grotesque monstros-oh wait, it's your parents. No, seriously.
Silent Hill also produces its own brand of drain opener: Sunderland Drain Cleaner, which clears out the toughest clogs in toilets and sinks.
The phone company at Silent is also hard at work to make sure its clients get that call from some weirdo wishing them a happy 31st birthday, then a 24th birthday, whether or not it really is their birthday. Or even if the phone is connected or not.
However, Silent Hill is need of a good door repair service since most of its doors are broken and don't actually open.
Silent Hill also produces medicine called "Health Drink", which will heal all kinds of injuries from ghost attacks to bullet wounds.
The local Lumber Yard dispenses a wide variety of hardware and tools ranging from hammers, to scapels, to meat cleavers. While this may seem a convenient one-stop shop, most consumers complain that the items are of shoddy construction and break extremely easily. Even if minimal stress is applied when the users cut their steak/fend themselves from monsters that look curiously like two people screwing.
An up-and-coming butcher's shop has opened up fairly recently, owned and operated by an ambitious, strapping man who may or may not have been a trucker at one point in his life. While the Mystery Meat of the Week is out of this world, nurses are advised to steer clear of this establishment.
If your gun's broken, don't take it to the gun shop. Silent Hill doesn't have one for some reason (or its doors don't work, either's possible). Instead, take it on down the junkyard, and the friendly and courteous owner will get you set up. But as a heads up, he will try to kill you and your girlfriend with a circular saw at some point.
Silent Hill is not to be confused with the small town of Quiet Slope, another small rural town that is right next to Silent Hill. Quiet Slope is rather unlike Silent Hill in that it has a relatively smaller amount of hauntings, religious summonings of unholy creations, and people that spit on the very foundations which we have come to know today.
Losing your keys is something that happens to us all. But in Silent Hill, it is not considered tragic, but tradition to lose keys to important sections of your house. If you find yourself in such a scenario, places one would logically expect to find a key would be in:
The dog shed
A random hole in your wall
A dead dog's carcass
A plughole surrounded by fluorescent green liquid
A dead, horribly mutilated guy that's dressed an awful lot like you
In the coat pocket of the corpse of the supernatural serial killer who follows you around
On a key ring that you found in the superintendent's room of the creepy, rusty, bloody alternate version of your apartment complex. Of course, if the one key you are looking for is the one not on the ring, try some random person's refrigerator. That always works.
Now, there have been many holes in the town of Silent Hill. Like the one in the hotel with the room with the scary ass butterflies, the hole in your appartment's bathroom, the bloody hole with a child's toy in it, a hole in the cage with a pulsating.. thing, and the hole that used to be there, but it's gone now. If your name is not James Sunderland, then do not stick your hand in a hole, and expect it to come out the way it was.
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