King Diamond
“Black metal rules!”
King Diamond (Latin: Epicus-Metalus) is a Grammy-nominated Danish time-traveller, lead singer of two of the best bands of all time, avid spelunker, wears his trousers too tight, stole Gene Simmons' face (not his makeup look, but his actual face), cheese connoisseur, world poker champion, actual king of Denmark, founder of black metal who never actually made any, globetrotting paranormal investigator, expert in poser extermination, practitioner of black magic, member of the Scooby Gang and jeweler. But he is a king, and he is rich enough to afford even the most valuable diamonds. He is also a master alchemist, and is able to tranform any material he wants into the blackest of metals.
Adventures[edit | edit source]
King was born in a cemetery, under the sign of the moon. Raised from his grave by the dead, he was made a mercenary in the legions of Hell, now he's King of Pain, he's INSAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaane!!!!!!!!
Upbringing[edit | edit source]
King had a traumatic childhood, despite enjoying privilege as a member of Copenhagen's most respected family of jewelers and cheesemakers, the Black Diamonds. Not much is known about his father; it's rumored that he was a rolling gemstone. Upon hearing Deep Purple in his youth, Diamond determined that a life of procuring, cutting and polishing precious gems didn't appeal to him as much as one of playing rock 'n' roll. A rare skin condition, Arthur Brownism, also rendered the skin on King's face especially sensitive to sunlight. As a result, King had to apply full-face makeup whenever he went out in public. His mother didn't approve of his appearance or penchant for theatrical and excessively masculine music, so she dressed him up as a little girl and called him Molly. Also jealous of his good looks, she trapped him in the attic to waste away, and King was forced to steal bits of cheese from the resident mice. His mother painted a cursed portrait of him that his soul would forever reside in, using incantations from Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray and the Jonah Hex graphic novel. However, being dressed like a girl for so long, King channeled the forced girliness into his singing practice and was able to use his four-octave vocal range to sing through the painting and curse his mother in return with a crippling peanut allergy (her favourite food). His mother burned the portrait with a Candle of Fate from Bed, Bath and the Beyond, but he was able to steal the soul of Alice Cooper and live on, much to her chagrin.
Later Childhood[edit | edit source]
His grandmother came to live with them after a long vacation at the local looney bin. King was very excited to see her and started touching and feeling her for some reason. She forced King, his mother and sister Missy Elliot to hang out with her and her imaginary friends, and they humoured her for a while. One night King awoke from his sleep, hearing unknown voices laughing insane. They were coming from the room next to his. It was Grandma's room, in the attic where they had shoved the old bag. King still lived in the attic too. He got up to investigate. He looked through the keyhole to see Grandma and the very real invisible guests drinking tea, though the spirits could only dump it through themselves onto the floor. Suddenly the door was open, and Grandma said, "Do come in my little friend!" King was soon partying it up with her and the ghosts, drinking tea spiked with bourbon. King felt heavenly. But when Grandma forced his mother and sister every day to get drunk with her, King's mother was always too wasted to take care of them. They were soon running out of delicious cheese to eat. Missy was soon fed up and smashed Granny's favourite teapot, and the ghosts got super pissed and burned her in the fireplace. King then beat Granny's skull in with her own cane because she had called him a dirty little brat earlier. After being arrested and featured on the documentary series Kids Who Kill, he was released and started hanging out with the imaginary friends, and realized They were actually some pretty cool dudes, despite the fact that They were undead spirits who murdered his sister. However, King was still dying for a good cup of tea ...
Teen Years[edit | edit source]
He continued to party with Them at the cemetery, singing old lullabyes, jamming 1980s goth rock hits and dancing to Michael Jackson's "Thriller". Despite the many sleepless nights of constant partying, he missed miss Missy. They eventually made a pact with him to let him see his sister's ghost. But he had to keep the graveyard clean of their empty beer cans, liquor bottles and cheese pizza boxes, and sign the house over to Them, which was named Amon Amarth. (This was also the name of the teapot for some reason.) King was also seeing a psychiatrist, Doctor Landau, who he hated because his breath always reeked of pastrami on rye. He told him everything was fine as he fantasized about murdering him with his own stethoscope. King's hatred for the doctor was reinforced when his sister's ghost visited him and sent him a dream, wherein King's mother and the doctor were going to get married in Vegas, and that the doctor was Satan. Also something was wrong with her legs: she had shaved them. King had always hated weddings and Vegas, and though he loved Satan, he couldn't let it happen. He tried to convince his mother to dump the guy and sell the house to the ghosts, but his mother was still an alcoholic and couldn't be reasoned with. She convinced him to get crunk with her, but she only pretended to drink as King got more and more hammered. When he passed out, his mother, the doctor and a priest suspiciously named Samael put him in a coffin and baked him alive in a pizza oven for no reason. As his spirit escaped, he put yet another curse on his mother, promising to haunt her drunken ass forever, and sneak peanuts into all of her meals. They say that she is still choking on his nuts to this day.
European Cheese Tour[edit | edit source]
King was reborn by putting his soul into an enchanted necklace, The Eye of the Tiger. He got it from his ex-girlfriend Melissa who was a witch on the streets but a tiger in the sheets. She was tragically burned at the stake by a priest that King put a curse on when he Came to the Sabbath. (This all happened during his years of partying.) The necklace allowed him to jump back and forth through time, in horrifically cheesy Rocky-esque montage sequences, that instantly kill most who look upon them, though he knew there's a bad side to the power of the chain, and he'd be going back in time to the 1980s once again. Instead he went to 17th-century France, hoping to find some nice cheeses, and took shelter in a convent, hoping to find some bored nuns to give his cross to. However he forgot about the fact that nuns have no fun. It was also very dark in there. But he still got it up and made them feel he wasn't a holy man. He gave them Hell, because he never fails. Except when he rhymed "virgin queen" with "virgin queen". He told them he'd see them next Tuesday. The leader of the church Father Picard, was so insane, he drugged King and some nuns with LSD in their communion wine in order to lure them to Dangerous Meetings and help him carry out ritual satanic sacrifices and make up hilarious dead baby jokes. In 1642 it came to an end, with Picard being arrested for impersonating a starship officer. King felt a bit bad about all the dead babies nailed to crosses, but decided to simply blame it on the wine. He and one of the nuns, Sister Miriam, escaped and eloped to an abandoned mansion in darkness that King had just found out that he had inherited, from himself in the future. He and Miriam time-travelled to the 19th century.
French Residency: The Fromage King[edit | edit source]
King and Miriam Natias (pregnant in Latin, great foreshadowing) rode in a spooky carriage towards the estate when they were met by seven negro horse-men who tried to warn them about the house and teach them basic math. Not believing 9 was the digital root of 18, King told them to get lost. Once in the mansion, they were haunted by the ghost of his unborn great-great-great-great-great aunt Abigail Williams Diamond Lafey, who died on the 7th Day of July 1777 when her mother was pushed down the stairs by the original Count Diamond Lafey in a completely justified act of violence against poser black metal. She was then mummified by the Count and stabbed through with seven silver spikes for no reason. The ghost did spooky things to King and Miriam like setting the dinner table for them and buying them new furniture and cheese snacks. A precocious little fetus ghost to be sure and apparently Evil Itself. King was getting real tired of all these dead babies on his hands. On the Night of the Unborn, Miriam made a sudden announcement that she was having King's baby, but King knew that she was possessed – pregnant though he always used protection. She had also blown up like a balloon in just a few short hours, which he found suspicious. On advice from the Count's ghost, which seemed perfectly reasonable, despite the fact that he had started the whole mess in the first place, King tried to give her a staircase abortion on the Slippery Stairs on which one could easily fall and break their neck. Abigail, who already spoke fluent English somehow, agreed to follow him, but using the powerful curse of foreshadowing to gain the upper hand, the possessed Miriam instead pushed King down the stairs while he was distracted by a shiny star or something, crippling him. Miriam then died giving birth to the reincarnated unborn girl who ate her from the inside. (Not like that, you pervs.) The horse-men then showed up and horsed around for a while before taking the baby to their nearby daycare and occult ritual center. They wanted to sacrifice her again, but she was spared by their leader, O'Beezy.
French Residency: Part Deux[edit | edit source]
King continued to live in the haunted mansion, confined to a wheelchair. The mansion in darkness became even darker-er and sorrow-y as King's eyes became very sensitive to light for some reason, making him extra goth-y, and he kept all the curtains drawn, painted all the rooms black and listened to old Bauhaus records he had brought with him on his time-travels. Baby Abigail was raised by the negro horse-men in the woods, where she learned the ways of horse-thuggin, until when she was 18 she was chased out by an angry storm cloud and made her way back to the mansion. She met her own baby ghost, which was now a toddler instead of a fetus, as somehow there were now two Abigails which makes no sense. Anyways the ghost led her to the mansion gates. Upon meeting the crippled King, he compared her hair to a Miriam hair-doll he had made in her memory, and tried to make her his new bride to produce an heir. "Can I call you Miriam?" "Miriam, or Abigail is fine, you can even call me Lucy, for it is just a name." King didn't clue in to the name Abigail or that "Lucy for" sounds like Lucifer. And Abigail agreed to be his baby mama for no reason. (She was still technically his great-great-great-great-great aunt, but neither realized this yet.) But his stamina wasn't what it used to be, and when he was dead asleep after ten seconds of sex, Abigail snuck around and found the crypt with her old infant dead body, realizing who she was and what had happened years ago. Filled with a newfound desire for Revenge, even though King hadn't really done anything, she took The Eye of the Tiger necklace which was around the baby skeleton's neck for some reason and killed his caretaker with it. She then made King a gourmet dinner somehow even though she had lived her whole life in the woods, but she fed him broken glass in his cheese fondue, which he didn't notice until it was in his stomach somehow, then she beat the crap out of his with his own cane, and then burned him alive with a torch that appeared out of nowhere. Unfortunately the mansion caught fire and took Abigail, somehow painlessly, and the rest of the spirits with it, leaving only her baby ghost alive in the crypt, forever looking for her mommy, which is herself, or something.
Tangled Webs of Cheese[edit | edit source]
King survived due to gaining fire-resistance powers after the previous failed attempts by his mother to immolate him. After signing the remains of the estate over to his past self, to avoid any temporal paradoxes, King was able to time-travel forward again with the last of the strength in his charred, crippled body, and went back to his old house, but he found that it was full of spiders, which tried to burrow into his skin and into his cheese danishes which shouldn't be biologically possible. He soon developed a terrible arachnophobia. One night when he was having pleasant moonlight dreams about demons possessing his corpse, being buried alive by his cow of a mother, being executed on death row, and becoming best friends with a poltergeist, he was rudely awakened by a spider crawling between his face and his pillowcase, tickling him awfully. Feeling his sanity slipping, he decided to check himself into the nearby Devil Lake Institute which was definitely not evil. The friendly Nurse Needle and Doctor Evilman promised to cure him of all phobias, but it was the mid-1990s, so King wound up in a locked room in a flannel straightjacket, subjected to torture by endless spiders, downtuned riffs and depressed whinging. But the sadistic grunge-loving doctors didn't count on King's 1980s vocal range powers, which hadn't waned like so much other metal of the time. He used his voice to control the army of spiders, which took over the hospital in a glorious eight-legged revenge. King had found a new love for the creatures he had once abhorred.
Digging Graves of Cheese[edit | edit source]
Thanking his newfound arachnid friends, King was transferred from the now-abandoned Devil Lake Institute to the nearby Black Hill Sanitarium. He was hopeful they would have better tunes there, but they ended up driving him cRaZy in there with late-1990s boy-band drivel. He started getting more and more CRaZy. But the evil Mayor McCheese wouldn't let him leave or listen to anything where they played actual instruments. King escaped to the streets where he plotted his revenge. He first stole a whole truck full of cheese, then lured in the mayor's daughter, Lucy McCheese, using several blocks of cheddar. He kidnapped her and enacted a ReAlLY CRaZY plan where he buried her in a coffin in the nearby cemetery under tons of cheese, then kidnapped McCheese as well. He forced him to choose three of seven graves full of cheese to dig through to try to find her using only a cheese knife, which he successfully did, which King found very annoying. He decided to kill McCheese for ruining his plan, and for abusing children via malnutrition, by force-feeding him insane amounts of cheese. Things were getting very cheesy at this point. But before he could, Lucy dropped a large piece of sharp cheddar on him, decapitating him. But King was still alive in his severed head, which is apparently a thing that happens all the time in graveyards. Lucy took his head with her and they became bestest friends.
The King Goes South (For Cheese)[edit | edit source]
King eventually regrew his whole body, and packed his bags, crosses and top hats and went to Lousiana. King moved into yet another spooky house, the Loa House, which was down the hill from the Uppa House. This was near the sacred temple of Voodoo priests; John who was very cross, Salem who was not from Salem (played by Tony Todd in the movie), Lula who was invisible and Sarita who often has a snake in her. They didn't like King's stupidly high metal voice, which they thought was disturbing their ancient blues burial ground. When King went to eat gumbo and Cajun mac and cheese at a local restaurant, the Voodoo priests poisoned his food with dusty goobers and chicken's blood, and King started sweating like a pig. King had never had a problem with spicy foods before. He thought that it was because he had done no sex for weeks, and even though he was just coming down with a slight cold, he decided to hire a sexorcist to help him rid himself of his demons. Unfortunately the priests attacked and smacked the sexorcist upside the head with one of King's crosses, the cross of Baron Samedi, which he got from his brother from another mother during a poker game. They were saved by a blind old grandpa who called the cops on the priests, who then fled. Realizing that he couldn't defeat their superior powers, because they had all died years ago or something, King decided to leave and let the story just sort of peter out. He would later have a Voodoo food baby that is said to have spoken backwards to him before being flushed.
The King Goes to Church[edit | edit source]
King started reading a bunch of Dan Brown books and decided to go to Rennes Le Chateau to finish this Jesus guy off once and for all. On the way he met a sexy wolf that led him onward towards the House of God. As soon as he got there he realized that the place was terrible, as it was a church, but the sexy wolf transformed into a sexy angel and he was suddenly more interested in staying. After having sex and eating cheese with her for a week straight, she admitted that she had made a pact with a Black Devil to guard the place as a wolf spirit for a year. If King didn't sign the pact and take her place she would die. He signed it to save her but she had to leave, leaving him a sad wolfy boi. After feeling sad for several songs, he started feeling mad. After smashing up some stuff, he found a hole and crawled inside it. Entering a spooky catacomb, he greeted some of his old spider buddies, and found a statue of Mary that turned out to have the corpse of Jesus inside of it which makes total sense. Satisfied that his job had already been done for him, and armed with the sure knowledge that all religion is for suckers, he hanged himself to break the pact and then immediately resurrected himself because he had become a true metal God. He then went to the Louvre, shattered the Glass Pyramid using only his vocal powers, and desecrated the remains of Mary Magdalene.
The Muppet King[edit | edit source]
Still missing his sexy angel, King fled to Hungary where he scored on the rebound with Victoria, a young woman he met outside of a Muppet show on Christmas eve. After several hours of discussing their favourite cheeses and Old School Heavy Metal bands, Victoria became his greatest love, but suddenly went missing one night when she went back to the Muppet Theatre. When he went to look for her on the mean streets of Budapest, The Muppet Master, Evil Kermit, and his morbidly obese wife, Miss Piggy, then captured him. They had captured his poor girlfriend too. They cut them up and used black furry magic to turn them both into living Muppets. They were able to communicate with each other only by blinking Satanic things to each other in morse code, which they both found extremely romantic. Soon they were forced into the Hungarian Muppet sex trade. King was forced to dress as The Little Hummer Boy and everyone wanted his ba-rump-ba-ba-bum. But when he refused to submit, he was sold to a Toys R Us store and separated from Victoria, who was sent to a Muppet brothel in Berlin. He sat on a shelf for eighteen years before he was purchased by a Gypsy woman who was not his mother. (She was a part of his soul.) She undid the Muppet curse and put it on Boris Johnson instead. She and King went to Berlin and rescued Victoria as well. They then went back and knocked the stuffing out of those dastardly Muppets. King still feels the effects of having been a Muppet years ago, but he's tickled shitless to sing heavy metal classics and worship Satan out loud with his love once again.
The King Settles Down[edit | edit source]
Eventually he went to live near Devil Lake (which is near Dallas, Texas) on Never Ending Hill where time is standing still, with his black cat Magic, his housekeeper Brandon Henry who King resurrected after Abigail stabbed him in the jugular with The Eye, and his beautiful Hungarian wife of half his age. Looking back on the sheer awesomeness of his life, his innumerable sexual conquests, and his near-immortality after surviving endless gruesome deaths, plot holes and contrivances, the heavy metal near-extinction event that was the 1990s, and a heart bypass surgery (too much cheese), he decided to write metal songs about his adventures. He still gets visits from endless ghostly little girls wanting him to give them his sandwiches please, but he tells them to go find their own. This happens especially often during power outages on very cold, dark nights when King is forced to aimlessly wander his house all night long and for an entire album in the dark, cold darkness, eating his delicious cheese sandwiches.
As a musical artist/tormentor[edit | edit source]
After moderate success with the band White Daffodil, King met up with members of the spunky band The Brats Pack, and eventually formed the legendary Christian rock band Mercyless Free Will, releasing hit songs such as A Very Safe Rendezvous, Come to the Church Service, Welcome Disney Princes of Heaven (famously typoed as Princess) and White Wedding. They never ever worshipped Satan. They were famously one of Tipper Gore's favourite bands and made her Awesome 15 list. However, after only two albums, all the awesomeness in the universe had been used up and so the band decided to hang it up. Some say that they reformed somewhere in the nine unknown shadows of time and recorded some more albums, but this is thought to be only a rumor. They are currently considered to be dead again.
As a solo artist, along with guitar sorcerer Andy Laroque, King Diamond released many hit CDs that allowed him to gain a great influence and travel the world. His followers were known as the "Diamond Bangers". This badass following spread Diamond's music by playing it really loud in their vehicles, house, public events, hell, heaven, and anywhere else you can think of. Soon, the divinity of the "Diamond Bangers", or "Diamond Blasters" as some called them, was growing.
King Diamond also met up with Oscar Wilde and recorded a duo record in the Thomas Edison Radical Recording Studio. Unfortunately, he no longer had The Eye, and when King Diamond travelled back through time in his Temporal Coffin, the master recordings were wiped due to a field interface stabilizer that failed to shield electromatic recordings. Also, the macro-mac field integrator burned out and the thermo modulator on the temporal dampers would have to be replaced, severely limiting time travel to just two months.
But the rest, as they say, is Menopause.
Discography[edit | edit source]
With Mercyless Free Will[edit | edit source]
- Nuns Have Mo' Buns (1982)
- Is that you, Melissa? (If so, please bring me a beer from the refrigerator) (1983)
- Don't Take Them Both (Protect My Balls) (1984)
- The End (1987)
- The Return of the Vampire Clown (From Downtown) (1992)
- In The Lights (1993)
- Tea Time (1994)
- Into The Uncyclopedia (1996)
- Feed Again (1998)
- Neine!!! (1999)
Solo[edit | edit source]
- No Presents for Christmas (1986)
- Fatal Peanut (1986)
- Evil Little Undead Bitch pt. 1 (1987)
- They/Them (Spirits of the Gender Non-Binary Realm) (1988)
- Conspiracy Theory (1989) (Later adapted into the Mel Gibson film)
- Ol' One-Eye (1990)
- Spider-man's Lullabye (1995)
- Bury That Mayor McCheese's Little Bitch Alive (1996)
- Hoodoo Voodoo: The King Goes Cajun (1998)
- Whose House? God's House! (2000)
- Evil Little Undead Bitch pt. 2: The Bitch is Back (2002)
- The Muppet Masturbator (2003)
- Give Me Your Sandwich ... Please (GMYSP) (2007)
- I'm Going to Paste that Colorform Right onto the Fucking Background, You Stupid Bitch, So NOBODY can EVER Get it Off! (IGTPTCROTFBYSBSNCEGIO) (2009)
- Lucy Forever: The Adventures of Lucy and The Severed Head (2011)
- The Institute (Any time now ...)
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- King Diamond is father of Dustin Diamond, best known for playing Screech on Saved by the Bell.
- If King Diamond were an actual diamond, his karat weight would be more than 1,000k.
- King Diamond Holds "Bass Angler of the Year" title for 1989, 1991 and 1995. He also has his own line of fishing lures, the Strike King Diamond Shads.
- King Diamond invented KD.
- King Diamond's ill-advised country and western project with Buck Owens was a commercial failure.
- Before joining the forces of evil as an early teen, King Diamond was a star member of the Vienna Boys Choir.
- King Diamond's microphone stand is made of Mikkey Dee.
- King Diamond is the founder of the band King and Mercyful Fate, Diamond Makers (KMFDM).
- King Diamond settled his legal dispute over his makeup pattern with Gene Simmons in an old-fashioned bitch-slapping contest. King slapped Gene so hard that he peeled his face off and then ran off with it.
- King Diamond's falsetto competition with Adam Levine ended with Adam's pooping his pants and then melting into a puddle. The puddle then pooped itself. The poop was later released as the Maroon 5 album Hands All Over.
- As one of the world's most respected cheese experts, King Diamond has had numerous guest appearances on various Food Network series.
- King Diamond wrote the best-selling and award-winning children's book Welcome Home G-G-Grandma about a boy's grandma's helping him cure his stutter. It later became the inspiration for the song "Welcome Home".
- King Diamond has a longstanding feud with prog rockers King Crimson.
- King Diamond was the world champion of air guitar in 1983 and 1984, and again in 1989.
- King Diamond is Satan's personal interior designer.
- In 2007 King Diamond drank mushroom soup that was too hot, and after that he could not use his Extremely High voice. Thousands mourned.
- Neil Diamond is actually King Diamond without makeup.
- King Diamond's recently released autobiography, Of Moustaches and Corpsepaint, is the best-selling book of all time in Denmark.
- King Diamond will be the first to watch your funeral, and he'll be the last to leave.
- King Diamond has been a corpse without soul, since Satan took a toll on him at Hell's toll bridge.
- King Diamond founded the Movember movement to help raise awareness for prostate cancer.
- Every night to King Diamond is Halloween. Children can visit his house on any night of the year for free candy, making him extremely popular in his neighborhood.
- King Diamond was the inspiration for the creation of the playing card, the king of diamonds.
- King Diamond brings his wife on tour with him to play in his band, making him one of the first musicians to successfully do so.
- When King Diamond dies, his tomb will be protected by the Curse of the Pharaohs, which can be so deadly, destroying your future, and making it all Shady.
King's life tips:
- Iron fists won't do no good against the evil eyes of seven holy Hell preachers. Hardcore-style karate kicks? Don't you even try!
- If you're in a zombie apocalypse, just say goodbye to all your holy fucking angels. If the dead won't leave you alone, there's no way to survive this evil night. So you might as well join the hordes of undead and jump onboard for the big win.
- Great Wanga (big poops) will hit you if you do destroy the cemetery of Voodoo.
A commercial for King's very own brand of aftershave:
See also[edit | edit source]
