You Are Black

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Whaddup, <insert name here>. You've watched too many Jordan Peele movies (3) and listened to too many (1) Sisqo mega-hits and now you are black, bitch.


Black black black.

No mo teeth whitening 4U. Because you don't have to. You are black.

You at least want some questions answered?
You'd probably be better off just getting used to keeping in da loop, boy.

And that also goes for the smart bitchass right there that just said "I'm not a girl". You're a bitch too.

Welcome to blackness[edit | edit source]

Somewhere out there is no Friends season with your name on it.

In your first and final venture into blackness, you may notice how the room temperature is always cold, and how there are no bad golf or tennis days. Or more specifically, you may have noticed how "uncool" does not exist. Do not be alarmed. In fact, you may find in your black state that approximately 100% of the sensations and phenomena you were familiar with in your non-black days are conspicuously non-existent.

Remember how, when you were of a different color, you wasted hours and hours watching Grey's Anatomy? Well, this is exactly like that, except without the grey. And without the anatomy. And without Grey's fucking Anatomy.

Perhaps you have noticed a Xmas-like logo shining in the distance. Please do not approach it. In the past countless blacks like yourself have fooled themselves into believing it was the gate to heaven, or possibly an angel, or even Jennifer Aniston. However, it is none of the above. It's just the Friends logo. They had a cool logo. Jordan don't need it though. Because he's black (like you).

As for any actual friends or family you have left behind, please rest assured. You will never have to worry about them again. You will not have that capability. They'll probably be going out for straw, running, or maybe shitting huge shit-cubes or something. I don't know. They may even be mourning you, but don't count on it. Anyway, they're doing fine, all things considered.

Things to do while black[edit | edit source]

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You are black FAQ[edit | edit source]

  • Q: I was a Cypress Hill fan all of my life. I enjoyed "Insane In The Brain", I learned Spanish and I made every effort to score some weed on a daily basis. So, where do I cash in on this?
  • A: Nowhere, you're just plain black for now. Probably plain pitch-black too.

  • Q: I was basically a racist Dwight Schrute wannabe throughout my entire life, but I still think I was pretty sweet. What do I get?
  • A: You get to join the rock band Alice in Chains.

  • Q: Why does the bad person get to join Alice and I don't?
  • A: Because unsimilar to white, Black isn't fair.

  • Q: If I hadn't read this article would I still be white?
  • A: ...Yes.

  • Q: And yellow?
  • A: ...No.

  • Q: How about red?
  • A: No.

  • Q: Maybe brown?
  • A: Nope!!!

  • Q: Beige?
  • A: No!!!!! That doesn't even make sense!

  • Q: Marilyn Manson?
  • A: SHUT UP!!!!!

Bye[edit | edit source]

You're black. Y-E. Tenebrous. GET OVER IT!!!