HowTo:Become a Guitar Hero
“I wanna become a guitar hero! Not some n00b playing a guitar controller, but a real one.”
First of all, fuck you, faggot.
Why did I just say that? That's the attitude you need to take when you're in a band. Even when your pussy ass is headbanging to Jethro Tull in your trailer, remember that above all. Take this stance in your lyrics and musical style.[1]
Now. Do you want to shred on a guitar like no other? Then pay attention to these steps that will take you from a retarded ass playing a fucked up guitar game, to a virtuoso! The next Yngwie Malmsteen that will KILL the original! Let's get started, shal we?
Requirements[edit | edit source]
“Pssht. I've had all of them more times than their groupies.”
“I know, right?”
“Whore...”
First things first: Learn to play guitar. Once you have that, follow these four steps that you have to conqur if you want to be, the Guitar Hero. You need to:
- Become a pompus Douchebag, thing you're better than anyone else (see HowTo:Be a Douchebag for that)
- Get an ausome Fender Stratocaster. The one that has big, flashing balls just like Yngwie's.
- Master Alternate Picking, Legato, Sweep Picking, and String Skipping
- Become better than the rest.
You won't simply "play the guitar". You will slay the guitar. You will play riffs behind your back and with your teeth simultaneously. Only then will you reach the level of Yngwie Malmsteen's student God. Here are some examples on how to be the best at guitar:
Alternate Picking[edit | edit source]
D-Down Picking
U-Up Picking
e||----------------------------------|
B||----------------------------------|
G||----------------------------------|
D||------------7-9-10-9-7------------|
A||------5-7-8------------8-7-5------|
E||5-7-8------------------------8-7-5|
D U D U D U D U D U D U D U D U D
Legato[edit | edit source]
h-hammer on
p-pull off
Everything else is hammer-on
e||-----------------------------------10-12-13p12|
B||--------------------------10-12-13------------|
G||-------------------7-9-10---------------------|
D||------------7-9-10----------------------------|
A||------5-7-8-----------------------------------|
E||5-7-8-----------------------------------------|
Sweep Picking[edit | edit source]
p
e||----12-15-12--|
B||--13--------13|
G||12------------|
D||--------------|
A||--------------|
E||--------------|
String Skipping[edit | edit source]
e||-------------------| B||-------------------| G||-------------------| D||------7-9-10-9-7---| A||-------------------| E||5-7-8-----------8-7|
Buying the right guitar[edit | edit source]
“Just try to play faster than me. I'll get Ozzy to bite your fucking head off!”
First of all, don't be a fucking copycat. Don't buy any replica guitars, nor should you buy any signature models or guitars made by
- Epiphone
- LTD
- Squire
- Charvel
- XTONE
- Your mom
But that last one especially. Those things are cheaper than that coke whore you bought last night.
Next, we'll have to pick out your style. Since you aren't yet a guitar hero, we can assume you are a fag. Assuming that assumption that we just assumed, put a half-burnt cigarette behind your strings, you cheap knock-off, you.
Colo(u)r[edit | edit source]
Indeed, colour is the most important part of your guitar. Try to choose really bright colours, or really dark colours. Colours like bright white, transparent auburn, amazing purple, citrus yellow, E.Coli green are good for guitars. Dark colours like dark black, dark brown, 15 cents coin grey are also very catchy. Don't pick colours like sun-orange, burnt red and rosewood brown because they are so goddamn boring. Remember to choose the colours in the visible spectrum range, so your audience can see your guitar. If all else fails, break your bathroom mirror into pieces and use a power drill to fasten them to your guitar. Give the leftover pieces to your emo friends.
Shape[edit | edit source]
Choose the unique-shaped guitar, like the one on the picture. As you can see, the guitar reflects freedom, with boobs, vagina, legs and other stuff. In addition, add something superfluous to the guitar that has nothing to do with your band or you. Like:
- A toilet seat
- A rubber chicken
- Your mum
- Jesus
- Rubber penises (Extra comedic effect if you can suck one while you play a solo.)
- Rubber vaginas (You're an idiot if you actually do that, y'know.)
- Rubber anything
In fact, just COAT your guitar in rubber. Bounce it up and down on stage when you hit the whammy bar and let it bounce up and send your testes into your brain.
After you select the colour and shape, you need to name your guitar. Yes, you heard it correctly, name your guitar. Name it something masculine, such as ASS RAPER, DOOMFUCKER, RAGEKILLER, ASS-RAPING DOOMING FUCKING RAGE KILLING SUNSHINE BITCH, and my personal favorite SHIT. Don't you ever name it with mainstream things like Rainbow, Sunshine, Melinda, Angelica,Bob, or Jimbo. Write the name on the guitar, so you won't lose it. Preferably, write it beside the bridge so everyone can see it. Also, never name it for a girlfriend/wife/blow-up doll. We will only make fun of you for it.
What to be, and What NOT to be[edit | edit source]
If you want to become a guitar hero, you're going to have to be like Yngwie J. Malmsteen. This Son of a Bitch has all of the techniques n00bies wish they could have, and he also has that pompus IN YOUR FACE atitude whether he's onstage or not. And if you don't like his Douchebag ways, then to cry home to Your Mom! But that doesn't mean that you should play just like Yngwie. What I meant by that, I mean take some of his ideas, and make it your own. Unless you want to be like one of those dumbass Yngwie Clones that copy and steal all of his techniques. There's also some great motherfucking guitarst that you should check out like EVH (Eddie Van Halen), Dimebag Darrell, and Paul Gilbert.
Okay, there're are some guys you want to be, and then there's a guy named Kerry King. A guy, or should I say n00b, NOT to be. Why? Check out some of his solos to see what I mean! What kind of n00bie crams a bunch of 4-notes, whammy bar dive-bombs, along with pick scrapping together and calls it a "solo". He can't even play his dumbass solos live for god sakes! Don't get me wrong, I do think that his solos can be sometimes ausomely insane, but its just not cut out for this article.
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
Well everybody, its almost time for closing, but just remember this. No matter how pathetic your solos are, its never to late to fix them. Now quit being such a n00b and BE A FUCKING GUITAR HERO FOR GOD'S SAKE, DAMN IT!
“Hey, who are you calling a n00b? I ain't no n00b, Jackass”