Purple
WARNING: The colour purple is extremely volatile and will explode on contact with yellow. If consumed, it is advised that you try not to let it seep into your urinary bladder or death will quickly ensue. Also don't drink lemonade. Or banana peels.
“We have purple. Purple is a fruit.”
“Anything that's purple is mine. Everything else can be painted or dyed.”
“(BOOM!)”
History[edit | edit source]
Prehistory[edit | edit source]
Before the discovery of purple, many different societies believed of its existence, and many different mythologies featured purple in them. It's existence before the 15th century, though, cannot be confirmed. The alleged stories and mythologies of purple may just be a case of Mythos-Fact Contamination, evidenced by the fact that some versions of purple legends are found to contain grey instead of purple.
Discovery[edit | edit source]
Purple was discovered on December 9, 1460 by the highly esteemed architect Infidel Castro. Infidel was looking at a richly beautiful mountain near Palermo, Italy, when he reported seeing a flash of bluish-red heretofore unbeknownst to him. He reported this to the police, and they called in the highly-esteemed paintress Fidelity Castro. She took visual samples of the event and stored them in the Palermitani Municipal Archives. In 1464, the case was revisited by the fledgling Cicilian [sic] Criminal Center for Colorful Crimes (CCCC). The scientists in the CCCC found a way to isolate a purple c-Particle, and succeeded in creating the first ever self-replicating purple patch, which then exploded when it came in contact with yellow. Purple was now open to the world. Though technology was not advanced enough to render purple harmless for at least another fifty years, it nonetheless caught on. Purple soon became a sign of wealth, as only the rich could afford to harbor it. When synthetic, harmless purple was first produced, it was a rare commodity, allowing merchants to drive up purple prices to the point where a single pound of purple would earn you a nice estate. In a bid to discover Asia, where they supposedly lived with purple-paved streets, Christopher Columbus attempted to sail around the world. The land he found, although it did fit his description of purple streets, was not Asia. It was in fact Oz.
After its discovery, Castro has been quoted as saying "Anything that's purple is mine. Everything else can be painted or dyed." Those that violate Castro's claim to purple often have their present-day descendants sued by Fidel Castro, Infidel's direct male descendant.
Purple in Today's Society[edit | edit source]
Since purple is most beautiful in its natural form, there are a number of plants around the world still growing volatile purple. This, of course, leads to countless deaths in pure-purple-manufacturing cities like Palermo. Purple also occurs naturally now, but such purple plants have evolved a purple-inhibiting chemical known as chlorophyll. This is present in all plants so as to prevent dangerous purple spreading from plant to plant.
In 1984 Prince licensed Purple, changing it's name to Ћ. He still pays royalties to Fidel Castro every time someone rents Purple Rain on VHS from Blockbuster.
Purple possibly is the colour of the sky in heaven, thus symbolizing angels. The colour purple goes well with people who are kind, sweet, explosive, beautiful, volatile, idealistic, expensive, and dreamy, like girls.
In 2022, after several years of having their trademark deep magenta colour, Purple got a new coat of paint. Purple was outraged. However, no one knows who did such an atrocity.
Purple and Science[edit | edit source]
Dr. Fat Liar, a purple expert for ten years has discovered a new threat that comes from the purple colour. After ten years of study, he reported, "We lost three colleagues in the field of the study of purple. They instantly had heart attacks when looking at a purple object for over a certain amount of time. The rest of the team and I continued in this study. In the end we discovered it contained carbon dioxide, zombie cells, mud, explosives, communism, coal and many other minor particles including Justin Briber germs." In his speech he also added to bring weapons with you and to wear a bullet-proof jacket and of course to attach a gas mask on your face and bottom whenever you pass purple material.
Purple and the Rhyme Empire[edit | edit source]
Purple is a lesser known part of the Rhyme Empire, that also features orange. To this day, no one knows the secret rhymes hidden by the empire. Vurple? Borange? Stupid right? It is suspected that these secrets will be discovered by at latest 6000 AD, probably.
Purple and its significance to the homosexual community[edit | edit source]
For some reason, Purple has been declared to be the international gay colour. Ben Broomhead. Boom. Castro is largely neutral on this issue, preferring to simply state that expected lawsuit revenue has risen by more than 50% with the formal legal introduction of Gay Marriage amidst overwhelming support by former U.S. President George W. Bush. Coincidentally, Purple is the theme color of Justin Bieber. Wonder what that means...
Purple is also a popular color among bisexuals.
Plans For The Future[edit | edit source]
Purple plans to take over the world some day. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow. 'Nuff Said.
Not to be confused with[edit | edit source]
- Periwinkle
- Deep Purple
- Indigo
- Purple
- The colour of s female Klingon's period
