From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for yellow?

“How to make gold from cheaper metals: Al+Cu → Au+Cl”

~ The Яidiculous Captain, obviously

“More often than not, gold is more useful at taking down a woman, than taking her out.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Gold

Gold is a very special type of wood. This wood is found only in Norway. Some gold appears to be human remains, but this still needs scientific verification. Gold is also the opposite of silver although, strangely, silver isn't the opposite of gold. It is owned by the Biden family.

In the beginning the world was flat, but then someone struck gold. Ever since the world has been getting rounder and rounder. Gold is used to make jewelry, and has been for several minutes, as of this publishing. It has been known to mate with humans, resulting in Bond villains and crazy kings. It has recently been changed from gold to cheese and it's a good combination with diamonds, and hence, has been found to create new chemical properties in rich mice. Gold causes a complete loss of common sense. Some experts say that gold could in fact be parasitic, taking over the brain of the victim causing a drive to buy online, and put on, more jewelry (see "Jewelry").

The old periodic table chemical symbol for gold is "Gold". This was decided upon to avoid any confusion. It was decided on over "Stop looking at other women." and is located right next to "You never do the washing up!" and below "My mother was right - I should never have married you." However, now the chemical symbol is "Au" so scientists invented a way to make gold from cheaper metals: Al+Cu→Au+Cl

Gold costs many dollars and is very rarely given away. This is owing to its unique property of being the only metal known to mooglity that can be transformed spontaneously into a moral code.[1]

Gold can always be found on trees. Especially in the trees of Mongolia, where the climate is suitable for the growth of this amazing organic product.

Gold can be used to cure cancer. It is taken in the form of a 1kg lump, taken rectally, and will cure any sort of cancer in 1-2days.

Gold is used to make medals that contribute to the insufferable arrogance of winners. I mean come on, you already won. You beat everyone else. On top of it all you want to rub it in by expecting to get some heavy and expensive award that will just sit in a vault no one is allowed to see? People with gold should be hunted by those with silver bullets.

Manufacture[edit | edit source]

In Mediaeval times a great deal of effort was expended on finding a way to extract gold from lead. At one point, the demand placed on lead-reserves by these experiments created a world shortage of pencils. These efforts were ultimately fruitless. This is unsurprising, since gold is not a component of lead. As we now know, gold is in fact produced as a metabolic by-product of certain root vegetables. Modern gold production centers on the use of carrots. In fact, 24 carrots are needed to produce an ounce of pure gold. Cheaper, less-pure gold may substitute turnips, onions, potatoes, or parsnips for some of the carrots, thus leading to, for example '14 carrot' gold.

Uses of gold[edit | edit source]

  • To attract animals of the female gender as their attraction to shiny objects is well known. Fishes are also attracted to shiny metal, corn (because of its golden colour) and pylons.
  • Create bling-bling to ward off evil spirits. Asians though have been known to use Jade as it is cheaper.
  • Making crappy Minecraft tools
  • Chemistry: very well known between high school students (primarily those studying chemistry at a high level) in this chemical reaction:

Everything -> Gold

Where "Everything" is defined as "Everything except binding (paper wrapped around schoolbooks)"

  • Used to buy things in Europe. Gold coins come in several varieties, including the galleon and fake teeth.
  • Three gold dubloons can buy you a fish burger.
  • A fish burger can only buy you two gold dubloons, however. Odd, eh?
  • Also used to throw at the head of random passerby. This is very common in Arizona.
  • In the USA gold is also used to wiretap phones.
  • Also used for gilding your gold with more gold.
  • As an explosive, inserted into the ears of cows to create pepperoni, hot dogs and gelatin.
  • Gold is used to trick thieves into thinking they are stealing something valuable when in fact the price of gold is one cent per 1-pound tetrahedron.
  • Gold can be crafted into cool looking pickaxes, axes, swords, and hoes, as well as golden armor. Although it is practically useless, it does look good. Gold is practical for making watches and as of 1.0.0, smashing into nuggets with which to use in alchemy
Ahh! Golden!!

Drug Use[edit | edit source]

Gold is also a very potent drug. With the proper tools a person would be able to experience a mind bending high called a Gold Rush. However, false reports made up by some heroine addict while he was bored recent studies prove that a gold rush gives you about 1337% of your daily recommended intake of gold. Every country except the United States has declared gold rushes legal. You Americans are missing out on nothing at all so much!

It is also thought that gold is the cure for cancer. You have to whack yourself in the head with it a couple of million of times. Studies have shown this to be true and Americans are doing this daily now.

See also[edit | edit source]


Periodic Table of Elements:

 Make sure you memorize these for the test!

Alkaline Earth
Snob Gas
1H Hydrogen 2He Helium
3Li Lithium 4Be Beryllium 5B Boron 6C Carbon 7N Nitrogen 8O Oxygen 9F Fluorine 10Ne Neon
11Na Sodium 12 Mg Magnesium 13Al Aluminum 14 Si Silicon 15 P Phosphorus 16 S Sulfur 17Cl Chlorine 18Ar Argent
19 K Potassium 20 Ca Calcium 21Sc Scandinavium 22Ti Titanium 23 V Vanadium 24Cr Chromium 25 Mn Manganese 26Fe Iron 27 Co Cobalt 28Ni Nickel 29 Cu Copper 30 Zn Zinc 31 Ga Gallium 32 Ge Germanium 33 As Arsenic 34 Se Selenium 35 Br Bromine 36Kr Krypton
37 Rb Rubidium 38 Sr Strontium 39 Y Yttrium 40 Zr Zirconium 41 Nb Niobium 42 Mo Molybdenum 43 Tc Technetium 44 Ru Ruthenium 45 Rh Rhodium 46 Pd Palladium 47Ag Silver 48 Cd Cadmium 49In Indium 50Sn Tin 51 Sb Antimony 99Te Tedium 53 I Iodine 54Xe Xenon
55 Cs Caesium 56 Ba Barium 57-71 La-Lu Lanthanides 72 Hf Hafnium 73 Ta Tantalum 74 W Tungsten 75 Re Rhenium 76 Os Osmium 77 Ir Iridium 78Pt Platinum 79Au Gold 80Hg Mercury 81 Tl Thallium 82Pb Lead 83Bi Bismuth 84Po Polonium 85 At Astatine 86Rn Radon
87 Fr Francium 88 Ra Radium 89-103 Ac-Lr Actinides 104 Rf Rutherfordium 105 Db Dubnium 106 Sg Seaborgium 107 Bh Bohrium 108 Hs Hassium 109 Mt Meitnerium 110 Ds Darmstadtium 111 Uuu Unununium 112 Cn Copernicium 113 Nh Nihonium 114 Fl Flerovium 115 Mc Moscovium 116 Lv Livermorium 117 Ts Tennessine 118 Og Oganesson
119Un Uncyclopedium 120 Ub Unobtanium 121 Aeo Awesomnium 122Fa Fartium 123St Stalinium 124Ob Obamium 125Sl Stalloneium 126 Ad Adamantium 127 Vb Vibranium -1SuStupidium 1/5Bm Brucium 1/2*Ch Cheesium 3/4Pl Plotonium 4.5Op Opium Hu Homoerectium
57 La Lanthanum 58 Ce Cerium 59Pr Praseodymium 60 Nd Neodymium 61 Pm Pentium 62 Sm Samarium 63 Eu Europium 64 Gd Gadolinium 65 Tb Terbium 66 Dy Dysprosium 67 Ho Holmium 68 Er Erbium 69 Tm Thulium 70 Yb Ytterbium 71 Lu Lutetium
89 Ac Actinium 90 Th Thorium 91 Pa Protactinium 92U Uranium 93 Np Neptunium 94Pu Plutonium 95 Am Americium 96 Cm Curium 97 Bk Berkelium 98 Cf Californium 99 Es Einsteinium 100 Fm Fermium 101 Md Mendelevium 102 No Nobelium 103 Lr Lawrencium