Unununium

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Chemical Information and Composition:
Name:
Unununium
Nickname:
Roentgenium
Symbol
Uuu
Atomic properties
Very few
Atomic number:
111
Atomic weight:
Who's asking?
Atomic diameter:
Wouldn't you like to know!
Physical properties:
Melting point:
Surface of the sunoC
Boiling point:
Pretty much always irritable.
Density:
Unlimited destiny.
Stickiness:
Gooey
Flavor:
Amazing!
Sniffability:
Smells like morning dew mixed with silver.
Serving size:
One please.
Calories per serving:
None, no matter how much you eat!
Serving Suggestion:
Serve on a bed of spinach and ricotta cheese, then lightly drizzle with a sweet balsamic vinegar.

Unununium, also known by its place-holder name Roentgenium, is the one-hundred eleventh (111) element on the alleged "periodic" table of elements. The table is, in fact, quite constant, unlike Unununium, which periodically phases between solid and liquid form.

Although not as common as most of the baser elements, unununium is quite plentiful in deep-space spectrum analysis of star formation, causing speculation that unununium may be a key ingredient in the gravitational forces which create stars from surrounding material.

History of Unununium[edit]

The element was originally named for Wilhelm "Conrad" Röntgen, the supposed discoverer. However, once the scientific community realized Röntgen had died 71 years before Unununium was found, they discussed the matter for several years through a series of peer reviewed papers, and hurriedly retracted the name.

Tesla posed for a picture on the first day of the discovery. You can see some of the glowing unununium where he rubbed it on his sleeve and coat.

The element was actally discovered in 1912 by the brilliant but then little-known chemist, Nikola Tesla, who was exposing various things to radiation. Tesla had borrowed a cup of radiation from his neighbors, Madame Curie and her husband, who figured Tesla might want to do something with it other than make toast. While aiming his radiation at one of his cat's toys, Tesla noticed a small but distinct orange and yellow light, and bent down to examine it with a hand-held glass. Tesla immediately realized that he'd just discovered an unknown element, and let out a whoop and a holler, got roaring drunk, turned cartwheels, celebrated the night away, and went on to win the Nobel Prize for Sheer Audacity.

For the first few decades after Unununium's discovery the element was considered largely useless, except, of course, for the tiny flickering light it emitted. This entertained a higher class of easily distracted party guests, and often made heads of state clap their hands in simple-minded glee. Then, in 1949, an enterprising Italian chemist somehow discovered that Unununium occasionally acted as a strong aphrodisiac (although it also emitted near-fatal radiation). Because of this, most professional chemists, who are well known and despised for their strange sense of humor, often used Unununium in bizarre practical jokes. Their favorite trick was to give radiation poisoning to each other, just to see who got sick or horny first. The losers would have to buy dinner for the winner - the same day, please - and everyone had a good laugh. This prank was the chemist profession's principal in-joke until one of their number, Cyrus Nimblebottom, performed an unusual experiment.

The Nimblebottom Effect[edit]

Cyrus Nimblebottom poses for a publicity shot after winning the 2007 Nobel Prize for Sheer Audacity

The year, 2006. The place, Paris, France. The weather outside, was frightful. And deep in his basement laboratory Cyrus Nimblebottom was about to carry out an experiment he had dreamed about the night before.

"In my dream I rode upon a white horse," Nimblebottom told author Anne Rice (See The Dream That Changed The World, Anne Rice, Scientific American, January 2008) "and when the horse bucked me off, as it usually does, I had a flash of inspiration before hitting the ground. I instantly woke up and wrote the dream down in my dream journal."

"I then ran to my basement, took out my box of Unununium, got some of my radiation, and, just as in my dream, put them both in the microwave. I set it at two minutes, twenty-four seconds, stood back, and when the little beep sound came I opened the door and found..."

He'd found that the Unununium had expanded into a semi-stable metal that glowed and flickered in shades of orange and yellow, like a beautiful cuttlefish coasting near the bottom of a clear, deep, sea. Nimblebottom reached into the microwave, picked up the substance with his bare hands, and found that some of it was warm but not hot, and some of it was cool but not cold, and the middle of it was juuusssst right. "Wow", he thought, "I love this new metal."

As did the world. For among the properties of Unununium are the abilities to make people smile-deep-down-inside, like when they see a newborn puppy or velciraptor; instantly improve their IQ by 20 points, thus outgrowing their now boring families and friends and taking to the road; add the perfect amount of muscle mass without exercising while giving their body that certain sheen; allow people to set aside their differences and work together (i.e. the new country of Israeltinezaq); and last, but certainly not least, to increase everyone's life expectancy by one-third (except for people prone to radiation poisoning, an effect later hailed as population control). It is delicious too! Renowned scientist and amateur sous chef Stephen Hawking seriously suggested it be renamed Umm Umm Umm. To some it tasted like swiss chocolate; to others, Indian food; and to natural blondes like butterfly wings dipped in honey mustard saturated with newly dripping mango juice direct from the tree.

Subsequent experiments found that the Nimblebottom Effect only takes place when a microwave is set for 2 minutes and 24 seconds, not a second more nor less. If the timing is not exact, when the microwave stops bombarding your Unununium and some of your radiation, the substance tends to explode just after emitting a high-pitched crinkling sound. The explosion isn't large, like Hiroshima, but it is enough to knock the microwave on its metallic WalMart backside.

So armed with a dream, a bit-of-luck, and a nod from Mother Nature, Cyrus Nimblebottom quickly won the coveted Nobel Prize for Sheer Audacity.

Planned uses for Unununium[edit]

Unununium in its sub-atomic state, as shown in an "Elements-in-action!" video. (courtesy of the Large Hadron Collider Consortium, CERN labs, 2010))

Unununium is scheduled to become one of the world's standard metals used for coinage, even though (or perhaps because) it is dangerously radioactive and has the nasty tendency to degrade to nothingness more rapidly than Pop Rocks. Zimbabwe, Greece, and Brazil already use it in commerce, as its natural disintegration achieves the same goal as periodic devaluation, without all the shouting and milling around or the irritating interference of a free press.

As for that pesky overpopulation question, which all governments agree needs addressing but no public figure has the stones to be the first to pick up a bat and baby seal them - unununium's radiation output takes a divot out of an unsuspecting populace quite nicely.

An interesting fact: Although the metal's lethal and healing properties were thought to have ended all human greed, it now appears that David Icke and Prince Phillip have already jumped the gun and amassed over 90% of the world's Unununium supply.

WE SPEAK TO YOU FROM THE FUTURE foolish foolish foolish people, throw away all of your unununium, put it into piles and bury it, futile, a futile attempt to stop the tragedy by posting our information on this clown site, but we must try. You will not heed us but we must know we tried. The money, the metal, it contains short term happiness but long term hell. Throw it away, and for gods sake don't eat it, and don't put the coins into piggy banks or coin-collecting books, this only centralizes the effect. What can we say to convince you, this is the only chance we will ever get, wait, the connection fades, no, damnit, Kathy, adjust the capacity, the connecti. . .
WE SPEAK TO YOU FROM THE FUTURE foolish foolish foolish people, throw away all of your unununium, put it into piles and bury it, futile, a futile attempt to stop the tragedy by posting our information on this clown site, but we must try. You will not heed us but we must know we tried. The money, the metal, it contains short term happiness but long term hell. Throw it away, and for gods sake don't eat it, and don't put the coins into piggy banks or coin-collecting books, this only centralizes the effect. What can we say to convince you, this is the only chance we will ever get, wait, the connection fades, no, damnit, Kathy, adjust the capacity, the connecti. . .


1H Hydrogen Hu Homoerectium 1/5Bm Brucium D Deuterium 1.5Py Parodymium 2 He Helium
3Li Lithium 4Be Beryllium 5B Boron 6C Carbon 7N Nitrogen 8O Oxygen 9 F Fluorine 10Ne Neon
11Na Sodium 12 Mg Magnesium 13Al Aluminum 14 Si Silicon 15 P Phosphorus 16 S Sulfur 17Cl Chlorine 18 Ar Argon
19 K Potassium 20 Ca Calcium 21 Sc Scandium 22Ti Titanium 23 V Vanadium 24 Cr Chromium 25 Mn Manganese 26Fe Iron 27 Co Cobalt 28Ni Nickel 29Cu Copper 30Zn Zinc 31 Ga Galium 32Ge Germanium 33As Arsenic 34 Se Selenium 35Br Bromine 36Kr Krypton
37 Rb Rubidium 38 Sr Strontium 39 Y Yttrium 40 Zr Zirconium 41 Nb Niobium 42 Mo Molybdenum 43 Tc Technetium 44 Ru Ruthenium 45 Rh Rhodium 46 Pd Palladium 47Ag Silver 48 Cd Cadmium 49In Indium 50Sn Tin 51 Sb Antimony 52 Te Tellurium 53 I Iodine 54Xe Xenon
55 Cs Cesium 56 Ba Barium 57 La Lanthanium 72 Hf Hafnium 73 Ta Tantalum 74 W Tungsten 75 Re Rthenium 76 Os Osmium 77 Ir Iridium 78Pt Platinum 79Au Gold 80Hg Mercury 81 Tl Thallium 82Pb Lead 83Bi Bismuth 84Po Polonium 85 At Astatine 86Rn Radon
87 Fr Francium 88Ra Radium 89 Ac Actinium 104Rf Rutherfordium 105 Db Dubnium 106 Sg Seaborgium 107 Bh Bohrium 108 Hs Hassium 109 Mt Meitnerium 110 Ds Darmstadtium 111Rg Roentgenium 112 Cn Copernicum 113 Nh Nihomium 114 Fl Flerovium 115 Mc Moscovium 116 Lv Livermorium 117 Ts Tennessine 118 Og Oganesson
58 Ce Cerium 59Pr Praseodymium 60 Nd Neodymium 61 Pm Promethium 61 Sm Samarium 63 Eu Europium 64 Gd Gadolinium 65 Tb Terbium 66 Dy Dysprosium 67 Ho Holmium 68 Er Erbium 69 Tm Thulium 70 Yb Ytterbium 71 Lu Lutetium 119Ub Unobtanium 120Un Unununium
90 Th Thorium 91 Pa Protactinium 92U Uranium 93 Np Neptunium 94Pu Plutonium 95Am Americium 96 Cm Curium 97 Bk Berkelium 98 Cf Californium 99Es Einsteinium 100 Fm Fermium 101 Md Mendelevium 102 No Nobelium 103 Lr Lawrencium 121Aw Awesomnium 122Ky Kryptonite
 
Alkali Metal
 
Alkaline Earth
 
Transition Metal
 
Basic Metal
 
Semimetal
 
Nonmetal
 
Halogen
 
Noble Gas
 
Lanthanide
 
Unverifide
 
Actinide
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