Capitalism: The Religion

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Various sects of Capitalism are also helping people make their sacrifices by giving them something in return.

Capitalism is a religion based around the sacrifice of pieces of paper and small metal circles to a greater god. This god has been known to be called "Government", "Taxes", "Capital", and more commonly "Republicans". The people who practice this religion are most of the time very orthodox and even spend most of the hours in their lives doing work to earn these pieces of paper to sacrifice to their god. The most absurd aspect of this religion is that people are allowed to get mad at their god intead of their god getting mad at them.

Even when the members of this religion are mad at their god, they still work to earn more pieces of paper to sacrifice to their god. Currently the religion of Capitalism is starting to dwindle due to the fact that the rediscovered religion of socialism is starting to grab a hold of more and more members who were preiviously Capitalists. Even though almost all hope is lost for Capitalism, Capitalists have been trying to receive guidance from their god by giving more and more pieces of paper. Capitalists also regain faith and hope in their religion as they celebrate "Taxes day". This day consists of activities like doing "taxes" and "balancing checkbooks". The Capitalists can't even get to sleep because of the excitement caused by this important day because they're so excited about what they are going to give. So remember instead of donating the pieces of paper to some girl in need of surgery, be selfless and sacrifice to the god of the one true religion in this world.

Sects of Capitalism[edit | edit source]

Like other religions, there are various sects within the religion of Capitalism. There are an uncountable amount of sects due to how far Capitalism has spread in the world. Some of the more well known sects include Wal-Mart, Coca-Cola, Toyota, Amazon, Apple, Microsoft, and Sony. The great thing about the sects in Capitalism is that anyone can belong to more than one sect of Capitalism. Because of this, all sects are able to receive about the same amount of miracles from god as long as the Capitalist population is happy with their sacrifice reward system.

Capitalism Hand in Hand With Other Religions[edit | edit source]

Capitalism (unlike many other religions) can also be practiced along side several other religions. Christian holidays such as "Christmas", provide opportunities to sacrifice pieces of paper to the Capitalist god, and also follow the giving traditions of Christmas because of the sacrifice reward system. This allows people to give so they can give to others. This is obviously a religion that provides a very good influence for children growing up in such a culture. This teaches kids to sacrifice as much of the paper as they can without worrying about it because they know god will be on their side.

Philanthropists (The Demons of the Capitalist Religion)[edit | edit source]

There is really only one major taboo in the Capitalist religion. That taboo is philanthropy. Philanthropy is very selfish in the way that in practice, a philanthropist neglects god and instead gives the papers to children who "need surgery" or "homeless". This is obviously very sinful and should be cast out of the world immediately! These philanthropists are so selfish that when they do it others want to too! So please, follow the values that god gave you and sacrifice as much of the papers as you can, or else god will get angry and cause our long and painful deaths and also the end of the world.