Large Hadron Collider

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There's something fishy about these design blueprints, but I just can't put my finger on it...

“Colliding hadrons is the greatest pleasure one can experience whilst fully clothed.”

~ Oscar Wilde on the LHC

“Davros! Commence primary ignition”

~ Grand Moff Tarkin on the inauguration of LHC Master Control

“No! Davros, you can't!”

~ Doctor Who on switching on the LHC

“It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together.”

~ Dr. O Kenobi, PhD on the Higgs field

The Large Hardon Collider, also known as the DESTROYER OF WORLDS, is a particle accelerator located near Geneva, Switzerland. It is the largest such collider that has been built since the Old Ones wiped themselves out millions of years ago via a similar experiment, (incidentally paving the way for the Age of the Dinosaurs.) It has not destroyed the world yet. [1] In its day to day operations, the Collider accelerates protons to almost the speed of light, before colliding them at precisely 13.5 billion kerjigatrons. The LHC is hailed by many as a milestone in human technology, as it is capable of both explaining the universe and blowing it to Hell.

The Collider was built by the Cruddy European Rip-off of NASA (CERN for short), and cost approximately 6.4 billion dollars (97 billion Canadian). Financing was achieved by siphoning funds from the many secret Swiss bank accounts, on the premise that the account holders wouldn't complain for fear of being investigated for tax avoidance. CERN folklore says the accounts of the Hussein family exiled in Syria as well as those of the Hitler grandchildren in Uruguay provided sufficient funds to purchase the solid gold heated toilet seats that CERN physicists stipulated as key to the success of the project.

The site of the LHC was carefully selected because of Switzerland's well known neutrality about everything, including, scientists hope, the Laws of Physics. Also, scientists are well known for their love of high quality cheeses and chocolates. Another deciding factor was the observation made by researchers that many Swiss women have a high sex-drive and seem easily impressed by the title "Subatomic Particle Physicist", even though no one actually knows what that means.

Scientists at CERN have allayed fears that the LHC could bring about the end of the Universe, dispelling such ideas as irresponsible fear-mongering. In other news, the LHC is expected to reach full capacity around mid-to-late December 2012.

History[edit | edit source]

An early mock-up of the LHC. This version collided scale-model Ford Proton vehicles and inspired the current Collider.

An early Collider was designed in about 1495AD by Leonardo da Vinci, who was known for being centuries ahead of his time. Blueprints for an advanced particle accelerator, La Grande Haydronichi Collidinare, were recently discovered behind a toilet in da Vinci's home in Florence, at 17 Via Indigestica, now the location of a McDonalds fast food outlet. Had da Vinci the necessary materials, these blueprints would have produced a particle accelerator superior in almost every respect to the one we have today. However, because he did not have the available technology, and the concept kicked up quite a stink with religious groups of the time, the project was abandoned early on. The blueprints were subsequently screwed up and tossed onto the "discarded" pile along with other designs for a time machine, a stargate and a nuclear espresso maker.

The next Collider was built in 1666 by Freemasons in secret tunnels beneath London, England. Known at the time as Ye Grande Haydronne Collydoskope, this version was much more primitive in nature, consisting of two giant timber pendulums with huge boulders suspended from iron chains; the boulders would be raised to a great height and then smashed into each other as fast as possible. This experiment was an abject failure as they couldn't keep the machinery cold enough with the technology available at the time - lots of orphans with buckets of water. This resulted in a fire that destroyed almost the entire South West of England (in an event which due to the London-centric nature of England is now known only as the Great Fire of London). This Collider was abandoned, however, it is believed to have been recovered after the fire by the Illuminati. Some of the tunnels were later rediscovered and used as part of the London Underground Railway, thus explaining "the gap" between train and platform at many stations, as it was not originally designed for this use.

After this the secrets of particle colliding were lost for almost 300 years, which may have been nature teaching humanity not to conduct experiments in particle physics before the actual invention of particle physics. Then in 1908 the Russians decided to have another stab at a Large Hadron Collider, naming it the Bolshoi Hadronski Collidovski, constructed at a secret base near Tunguska. Russian scientists figured that their winters would be cold enough to negate the need for expensive cooling systems. Unfortunately, the vodka-sodden scientists were unable to keep to a schedule, and the Collidovski experiment commenced in Summer rather than Winter, and promptly exploded.

During the past 20 years construction and cooling of the latest particle accelerator, local farmers and residents have experienced paranormal activity including phenomena such as unexplained lights, sightings of flying disks, and socks that go missing in the dryer. In the interest of protecting livestock "scare-ufos" were erected on farmland to frighten away aliens. The scare-ufos, which took the appearance of the Flatwoods Monster successfully reduced the amount of local UFO activity, however these strange constructions had a tendency to attract corn-hungry crows that no longer paid any attention to conventional scarecrows.

Universe's Deepest & Most Embarrassing Secrets Exposed[edit | edit source]

This is a Little Hadron Collider. It's like a Large Hadron Collider but smaller and more portable. It makes a good Christmas present for people you want to impress with your knowledge of physics.

Scientists are hoping that the Collider, in all its somewhat controlled power, will shed some light on mysteries which have been pondered for decades. Questions such as:

  • Why is there cream on my nipples?
  • What's the deal with dark matter?
  • How can we destroy the Universe?
  • How the hell did justin bieber get with selena gomez?
  • Which particle is God hiding in, assuming he is hiding in one of them, which he almost certainly isn't but what the hell?
  • What is the Higgs field and what does it want with my family?
  • What does a black hole look like from a few yards away?
  • What is the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything?
  • Does anything really exist?
  • What are asians for?
  • Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?
  • Is the cake really a lie? If it is, is it a lie on the molecular level?
  • Listen, I was just wondering if you, uh, wanted to meet up for coffee, or something?
  • How exactly do you summon Cthulhu? (O R'lyeh?)
  • Why do particle physicists get laid so frequently?[2]
  • Sex or chocolate?
  • What happens when a Grue, an Eurg, and an Anti-Grue collide?
  • How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
  • Why did the ending to Lost suck so much?
  • Why do birds, suddenly appear?
  • What happens if I press that big red button?
  • Now that I've pressed that big red button, was it a good idea?
  • What's all that noise coming from the particle collision room?
  • We're all going to die, aren't we?
  • Was it really worth going to all that effort only to have Earth crushed into a singularity?
  • Why are scientists from the future trying to sabotage this thing?
  • What if they kill my grandfather before my father is conceived?
  • Is that Keanu Reeves? What the hell is he doing here?!
  • Can I have sex with the Large Hadron Collider?
  • What are hotdogs made of?
  • Are you paying too much for your car insurance?
  • What is inside a dark star?
  • Was that really Elvis I saw working at the car wash last week?
  • Where are those WMD's?

If the LHC turns out to be a complete waste of time and fails to answer anything, the project will be scrapped, CERN will be shut down and the scientific community will assume that Creationism had it right all along. Then they can proceed with the long-delayed plans for their Time Tunnel.[3]

What Is It For?[edit | edit source]

Basically, CERN saw this and thought, "We need one of those".

There are four answers and one hypothetical but unconfirmed idea to this question.

The gossip answer is that Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is actually the brain child of H.P. Lovecraft and will in fact bring Yog-Sothoth in to our realm. And Large Hadron Colider will wake up Cthulhu from his eternal sleep. Then he will get Chuck Norris'd.

The commonly agreed upon answer is that the Grue Protection Agency is using the LHC to create more Ubergrues.

The official answer is that it is being used to kill off all the human-eating aliens in the universe by destroying their primary food source.

The true answer is that it is being used as part of a conspiracy by the Freemasons, Cthulhu Cultists, the Illuminati and David Icke to punch a hole in the Van Allen Belt which will allow Satan's Armies to return to Earth and enslave us all. That being said, it will probably kill the human-eating aliens anyway, as they are likely to starve in the absence of food.

The unconfirmed hypothetical idea, proposed by Madame DuBarry, states that the LHC is humanity's last hope and was commissioned by the Illuminati / AWESOME PEOPLE alliance against the invader planet Nibiru in . By this reasoning, the black hole that will be created by the LHC will be used to deflect Nibiru's orbit so it will not pass by near Earth uncausing the predicted geomagnetic perturbances on Earth. This, consequently, will impede the Reptiloids / Reptilians / Reptoids from emerging from their underground lairs to enslave / eat humanity since the Earth's upper atmosphere won't be scrapped off by the unpassing of Nibiru. (The reptiloids, as reptiles, need an extra bit of UV radiation from the Sun to inhabit Earth's surface. In their underground lairs, inside the Hollow Earth, they have artificial Suns which do really not compare to the real thing, but at least enable them to survive until the next passing of Nibiru, provided there is not another Chicxulub Event.) The Large Hadron Colider will thus open a time-space portal and bring Cthulhu and his minions to the earth, where he and Xenu will have their final showdown.

Higgs' Bo'sun[edit | edit source]

Cap'n Peter "Bloody" Higgs was a notorious pirate and part-time physicist. When he wasn't plundering Spanish gold shipments around the Caribbean he would be found at the University of Edinburgh messing around with particle physics. In both of these ventures he was helped by his Bo'sun (whose name has been lost to history), the only member of his crew he trusted to neither nick off with all the booty nor try to tell him his theories were wrong. It was during testing of the Really Small Hadron Collider (essentially a working model based on the blueprints for the original LHC) that the unfortunate Bo'sun accidentally looked directly into the beam and was dispersed into elementary particles. Higgs was distraught and afterwards all his research was dedicating to finding traces of his trusty companion who Higgs believed was now to be found in the middle of every single atom ever.

It is believed by the surviving members of Higgs' scurvy crew, many of whom now work at CERN, that the Large Hadron Collider will be able to reconstitute the Bo'sun so he can tell them where the gold is.

Producing Fast Food[edit | edit source]

Scientists claim that Large Hadron Collider may produce strange matter. Upon success this will resolve food shortages around the world and all the children in Africa will live happily ever after. CERN has already signed an agreement with McDonalds to distribute strange matter. The fast food chain is set to introduce the McStrangelet in Europe in the beginning of April 2011. On the other hand, in the extremely unlikely event that it extinguishes all life on Earth, no-one will be suffering from hunger any more; so, it's a "win-win" anyway! The LHC is also known to make microwave burritos more delicious, at a range of up to 1800 kilometers.[4]

Britney's theory[edit | edit source]

A group of scientists argued the LHC will produce the end of our world within milliseconds after a non-important black hole (NIBH) will be produced. However they demonstrated our universe will be automatically translated into a parallel universe. All the properties of our world will be conserved and all the laws of physics and economy will be identical and all the people and animals will be duplicated into the new universe with only one exception: Britney. The scientists have yet to figure what is going to happen with Britney and with our world (in the new universe) without her. So far one remark has been made, to modify the lyrics of one song into "It's not Britney, Bitch!".

Visual explanation of the Large Hadron Collider

Sexual Curiosity[edit | edit source]

As the quest for the best possible sexual satisfaction continues, scientists have gone to great lengths in order to bless mankind with the best orgasms possible. The LHC is simply a tool for locating the mythical "G-Spot". Where previous exploits have failed, the LHC shows promise to locate this long forgotten and mysterious gem. It is widely accepted that the LHC is by far the best tool in order to find the G-spot. Either that or a penis, but we all know how well that's been working out.

How Does It Work?[edit | edit source]

The LHC will fire two beams of supersymmetrically strung 48-dimensional hadrons in opposite directions around the "doughnut", which is called the doughnut because all the workers kept sniggering when anyone said "ring". Accelerator magnets - designed in conjunction with Hornby, whose Scalextric product inspired the idea of powering the LHC with electricity instead of dogs on treadmills - will keep the particles going round and round getting faster and faster until they reach the speed of light and achieve what is known as Hyper-Mega-Quantum-Tronic Warp Speed™.

Once Hyper-Mega-Quantum-Tronic Warp Speed™ has been achieved, the Overseers at CERN will collectively press a big red button in a highly dramatic fashion. This, while being quite impressive, won't actually do anything; after pressing the button the Overseers will secretly signal to a camera which leads to a grimy control room in a basement. The signal will be interpreted by a disgruntled workman, who will then start to type away at an old computer whilst muttering to himself, which will be much less dramatic indeed. This is why the elaborate display on the floor above with the big red button has to take place - it is a lot more interesting to watch.

Once the disgruntled workman types enough commands into the old computer, it will send out an electromagnetic beam to punch a hole in the Van Allen Belt and send a microscopic black hole to the centre of the Earth which only Satan and his minions will have the technology to deal with, thus creating the situation in which we have to accept them as our overlords or they'll just let the Earth and everything on it be sucked into an area approximately the size of the average McDonald's burger's vitamin content.

An alternative use is time travel, but, so far, the only person to use it for that purpose is Karl Rove, who went back to the 90s to mess up ballots and elect Bill Clinton, because as we all know no sane society would ever elect such an abomination of a human being to office.

Apocalypse[edit | edit source]

The original advert for the LHC failed to attract much support.

Though the LHC has not yet destroyed the world in a supermassive black hole, this is only because the LHC has only created localized wormholes that lead to mirror dimensions. These wormholes are only being suppressed by scientist playing videos of Chuck Norris to them while they sleep. It's entirely possible that some parallel Earths have already collapsed into black holes as a result of their own LHC activations, but they are probably busy with their own disaster relief efforts to bother to e-mail us about it.

Scientists expressed disappointment at the lack of destruction. In fact they were so disgusted that they've headed straight back to the drawing board and planned something involving "a sea of coca-cola and 40 tonnes of softmints". We're unclear on the exact science, all we know is that we're all going to die. However, the LHC has broken down twice in preliminary testing, leading many to believe that the improbability level in its workings has caused it to collapse in on its own concept. The improbability of the event is in accordance with its parts and their efficiency:

Proposed Upgrades[edit | edit source]

There are several proposed upgrades being considered for future. Here they are in order of size and awesomeness.

  • Super Large Hadron Collider
  • Super-duper Large Hadron Collider
  • Mind-blowingly Large Hadron Collider
  • OMFG Large Hadron Collider

In Popular Culture[edit | edit source]

  • The Large Hadron Collider is to feature heavily in Pixar's next movie, It's Particle Time, which is scheduled to be universally released in early 2012, if the Earth still exists by that point. The movie is a simple story of two elementary particles and the love they have for each other. The tragedy is that one of them is an antimatter particle, and so the relationship can never be. Or can it? John Ratzenburger stars as Strange Quark, and Cameron Diaz stars as Anti-Neutrina.
  • The song You Spin Me Round by Dead or Alive was written from the perspective of a proton in the Large Hadron Collider.
  • Popular videogame Halo centers around a series of extremely large, circular objects floating in space, that have the potential to destroy the universe. These are the LHCs of previous societies.
  • MTV's new series "Real World: Supercollider" will follow a group of great looking twentysomething CERN researchers and scientists as they face the challenge of day-to-day work at the supercollider, and constantly bitch about how Switzerland is dreadfully boring and cold.

References[edit | edit source]

  2. Oy, you! Women! Sleep with some of these dudes or we're all doomed.
  3. In order to minimise construction costs, this will be located above ground at Bob Jones University or some other shithole that has yet to enter the 19th century.

External links[edit | edit source]