Donut
The donut (also spelt doughnut) is an ancient food invented by the early Greeks. It was used to wash windows. Later it was used to polish the temples. A long time later some geek found a donut and ate it. That is how donuts are used today.
Donuts may have been the creatures from the underworld which are supposedly tasty treats, but we all know better. They are evil little monsters bent on taking over our digestive, nervous, and reproductive systems. One of the most common signs of donutism is the largeness of people will expand. In other words they turn into sumo wrestlers overnight. The person will then become extremely addicted to donuts and the evil strawberry judo fighters. They will then attack you and give you strong sexual urges. The most common sign of donutism in the reproductive system is unusual however. Your <left blank for lack of a funny word> will then secrete a white substance. This is not sperm or pancake batter. The terminal cases always end in death. Donuts are also known to be one of the few things that can kill a grue.
Stages in donut evolution[edit | edit source]
The most primitive extant form of Donutae, the plain cake donut (oldus fashionaeis) is representative of the First Stage of Cleaning Windows. The Second Stage of Deliciousness saw the evolution of glaze, a sweet coating that surrounds the glazed donut (sweetnus glazus) and other extinct and extant forms. The crumb donut (sweetnus crumbris), a close relative of the glazed, exhibits a strikingly derived trait called powdered sugar. In the Third Stage of Deliciousness, the crumb donut evolved a symbiotic relationship with the crumb (tinias crumbris), a treat which has only recently been identified as an independent organism and not, as previously believed, an organ of the crumb donut itself. The chocolate frosted donut (frostis richus) is thought to be the last living species of a branch that evolved from the plain cake donut millions of years ago, and does not belong to the same family as the other extant frosted varieties. Recently, a donut monster (donutae sapiens) was created by Homer Simpson's attempts to make donuts that can breed, so Homer can evenually breed and make the first super donut through selective breeding. However, it escaped, being that it was a smart donut.
Donuts have also been known to be able to put out fires,start fires,randomly light on fire,or perhaps even burst into flames in contact of human flesh. This is an new evolutionary trait the donut species has made for its own protection. Most donuts have been injected with chemicals in order to nullify this gene, but one species has been resistant to this injection, known as the (napalmus inferus) there is no certain identification of this type, but eating one is very life threatening.Scientists are trying to detect this napalmus infernus species as we speak.
Tips for enjoying a donut[edit | edit source]
Before handling your donut, consider the location of the nearest sink or keep a cleansing wipe on hand; your fingers will get sticky!
When preparing to consume your donut, make sure to have a beverage on hand, as the donut will be quite sweet. Food experts recommend milk or coffee, but tea, soda and children's tears are acceptable substitutes, and many breakfast enthusiasts enjoy juice with their morning donut.
Eat your donut slowly, savoring each sugary bite. It is important to remember that after finishing one donut, you will want a second. There is no shame in eating two or three donuts a day, but beware that donuts can become addictive. If you are craving donuts at lunch and/or dinner time, you may have a problem. A nutritionist can be consulted if you find yourself unable to fight the addiction alone.
Eating[edit | edit source]
Whilst eating, your thought process goes like this:
Yum yum yum, a five pack of donuts! Yumyumyumyumyumyumyumyumyum two down, three to go! yumyumyumyumyumyumyumyumyumyum only one left now! How will I live! Yumyumyumyumyumyumyum! AW NO! No more donuts, how will I cope, aauuurrgghh! Sticky hand syndrome! Wipe it on nearest friend's hair, no not the grease ball! Aaaah, thats better.
WAIT! Where'd my donuts go? Oh yeah, I ate them, damn! I've got two options now: 1) Kill myself. 2) Buy more donuts ... I'll choose 2! Uuurgh, feel sick, but NEED MORE SWEET SUGARY GOODNESS!
Street names[edit | edit source]
Being such a popular drug, donuts have gotten a variety of different so-called Street names. Here's a brief list:
- Donut The regular American spelling. This spelling is popularly believed to be understood by even seriously retarded people, and is the preferable spelling. The word can also mean The Donut, the patron deity of policemen.
- Doughnut This spelling is mainly used by spelling nazis who think they know best. Do not use this spelling.
- Pretzel A word invented by the Israeli state to counterfeit the nazis.
- Donuët This variation was invented by a yet unknown member of the demoscene community Pouët. O-la-di-da, French bastard!
- Doh-nut A word invented by Homer Simpson comprised of the words D'oh, an expression of anger or frustration, and nut, a female bolt.
- Fasnacht A word used mostly in Pennsylvania meaning donut. However it has crept into other parts of the country where Dutchmen are.
- Donas This name was chosen by Latino People because of their language. Almost sounds like "donut" but it's spelled funny. Whatever.
- Shedwick A mixture of donuts with cannabis grown in household sheds. Said to be "yummy".
- Game Mainly referred as such by those bitches down at the club. (Club = average high-school, bitches = Nerdish sons-a-bitches, who play The Game on a regular basis.)
- Snow Used to refer to the average powdered donut on the streets. For example, going to a rough area of town and calling out "Who the fuck lost my snow?" will be met with a gang of friendly bakers looking for business.
Donut trafficking[edit | edit source]
It is generally considered inadvisable to try and smuggle donuts into diabetic wards as the orderlies on the ward will apprehend you and steal any class sugar narcotics on your person. DO NOT strap them round your waist, as the hole in a donut will undoubtedly be too small to fit around your belly. (I assume all donut smugglers have a waist size in excess of 72 feet.) The only way to successfully smuggle a donut into a diabetic ward is to take all the sugar out and turn it into a bagel.
Donuts in science[edit | edit source]
The donut is known to be the most effective food know to man. For instance, the donut is famous for being the best food to solve the problem of "How to stop Hunger in the World".
This remarkable ability for being such a good piece of food is the result of some amazing quantum effects that apply only to donuts. These quanta exist only within donuts and appear nowhere else in nature.
The donut is such an amazingly effective hunger stopper because of, mainly, its shape. The shape of an official donut is a so-called torus. The torus is, when observed with the human eye, a three-dimensional shape that is round with a hole; it has no beginning and no end. This results in the mind focusing on a non-entity, and forgetting time and space, including hunger.
Imagine, if you will, running in any given direction on the surface of a jelly donut. Now Imagine a naked woman on a beach asking you to rub her body in with sunscreen lotion. Now imagine the sticky substance on the surface of a jelly donut sticking more and more to your shoes whilst you are thinking of the naked lady at the beach. Notice how you do NOT slam into a lamppost, wall or any object that could suddenly abort your current velocity.
One could see now that you can run forever in any direction on the donut. This leads us to conclude that the donut is an infinite pandimensional object which by its very nature has infinite mass – but when observed within dilbert-space it has finite volume.
The second reason is that the sticky substances covering and filling the donut are comprised of Gravytons, the hypothetical particles that fat people are made of.
Recently politician Stephen Colbert won a prize for his work in the field of "Donut Science".
Donuts in games[edit | edit source]
If you attempt to consume, wear, or otherwise have anything to do with donuts while playing a game of any sort, the power of the donut will cause you to lose all sense of control. Next time you wish to play that game of Twister or Zork, make sure that no donuts are within fifty feet, or you could find yourself looking like a pretzel or being eaten by a Grue that will magically come out of your computer screen.
The deadliest of donut casualties come from holding a small donut in your hand while playing a MMORPG. The powers of even the smallest donuts can cause you to press the wrong button which leads to you and all of your friends to die in said MMORPG. Donuts larger than three inches wide in the vicinity will not only cause you and your friends to die on the MMORPG, but will also cause serious injury or death in reality. A known situation of this has occurred in World of Whorecraft and a Krispy Kreme ended up killing several people, satisfying a large dragon in the process.
A new game developed by Doughboy A. Pillsbury, called Dunkin Donuts, is very similar to the game of basketball and involves two players who battle for supremacy. Winners receive a trophy cup which traditionally is filled with coffee.
Police and donuts[edit | edit source]
Perhaps you have noticed police officers in your area enjoying donuts, perhaps with coffee. It's inevitable. Police love donuts. Face it, one of the few pleasures associated with their job is all-you-can-eat donuts.
This phenomenon is studied daily by the astute researchers Krispy Kreme and Dunkin' Donuts. Their current findings reveal that police will respond to an accident scene 66 percent faster if donuts are provided. Accordingly, personal security experts have begun to advise carrying a dozen donuts (three jelly, three cream, three glazed, and three crullers) as opposed to a loaded 9mm semi-automatic Beretta and Kevlar. Not only are donuts inexpensive, but they also cannot be used against you by a criminal, as donuts will only serve to attract the one person an evildoer does not want present.
