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Grand Moff Tarkin

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“Well, I still like him better than that Dracula fellow.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Grand Moff Tarkin

“Ejaculate? In our moment of triumph? You underestimate my chances”

~ Grand Moff Tarkin on the Battle of Yavin
SW Satan.jpg

Grand Moff Wilhuff "Abe" Tarkin, also known as Grandma Tarkin, Grand Mop Darwin, or Grand Muff Diver Tarkin, is widely regarded as the worst civil servant ever in the history of the British Empire, and a textbook example of the weaknesses of the civil servant administrative system that the Empire used to replace its parliament of elected representatives.

Unlike elected politicians, who have to at least pretend to pretend to care about the concerns of the people, civil servants are directly appointed by the government and can do whatever they please, which usually boils down to perpetuating the system so they can collect their pensions at the end of their service.

No other government administrator personified this apathy for the electorate more than Tarkin, who became infamous after his implementation of the Tarkin Doctrine, where the elevator to the Complaints Department of the Imperial Administrative Office was secretly converted into a giant cannon that would eject all petitioners into space.

Tarkin also suffered from a nervous complex, and would frequently bite his nails instead of using a clipper like a proper fellow should. This would eventually turn out to be his undoing, as he would eventually die from a staff infection contracted while nibbling away during a particularly stressful government administrative crisis. Of course, the building he was in spontaneously exploded several minutes later, so many claim that he actually saved himself the bother by leaving early.

On a lighter note, many believe that he was the primary inspiration for the popular British sitcom Yes, Grand Moff. Also, shortly before the crisis that caused his death, Tarkin released his album You May Dance When Ready. Although the album itself was not highly successful, both Burn Rebel, Burn and The Emperor's New Weapon Of Galactic Mass Destruction (included on the album) were very popular.

He was also well known for perving on Daala, especially on the Death Star, while she was doing this guy at the same time.

See also