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“I looked for one of these things to replace my private jet, but couldn't find one.”

~ Oscar Wilde on X-Wing

“I flew one of these on Yavin, Endor, Bakura, Coruscant, Corellia and a few missons in 'Nam”

~ Wedge Antilles on The X-Wing.
The X-Wing as it should have appeared.

In the year 1999, scientists working for Crazy Clown Airlines (commonly known as "CCA" for short), is an airline which supplies fighter planes as well as commercial aircraft and airline services to the United States along with other countries, produced the world's first futuristic orbital-flight-capable fighter plane.

The X-Wing fighter was the most advanced tactical fighter plane in the world never to successfully fight tactically.

Development[edit | edit source]

The CCA’s renowned "Military Industrial Complex Team" (competitor to Lockheed Martin's "Skunk Works") was approached by the United States Air Force in late 1997 to develop a spacecraft capable of atmospheric as well as outer-space flight. The SHAT team eagerly accepted the opportunity to engage in the research and development effort, expecting windfall sales results from the production of a, innovative and unique airframe.

As the Team was comprised mostly of well-educated scientists with advanced higher-learning degrees, they had all seen the Star Wars movies multiple times. This unfortunately had a very strong influence on the course of their R&D activities. When they finally provided the USAF finished schematics of their mock-ups, the Government received from the CCA Team diagrammed replicas of both the TIE fighter and X-Wing fighters.

The Government conducted an exhaustive, multi-million dollar source selection between the two designs. The competition, which included computer simulations and repeated viewings of the Star Wars films, lead to the USAF determination that the winning design was in fact the winning design from the movies. Negative aspects which quashed the potential TIE-fighter development revolved around the possibility of citizenry familiar with the trilogy mistaking TIE fighters for actual Empire craft and triggering a Nuclear Holocaust.

The X-Wing was not without its drawbacks, however, as the tight time schedules and lack of sufficient rest for the SHAT team led to design oversights. Most notable among these was the missing fourth wing, causing most internal members of the team to sarcastically refer to it as a T-Wing, a Y-Wing, or a Maxi-pad (with wings).

The Lawsuit[edit | edit source]

The scientists started construction of the prototype X-Wing on January 12th, 1999. On January 21st, George Lucas found out about the project and threatened to sue McDonald's-Douglas if they didn't kill the project. Quick thinking by CCA's executive leadership led to a cross-marketing approach whereby the CCA aircraft would bear the LucasFilms insignia. Lucas, never one to turn down any marketing opportunity, quickly signed on to the team in exchange for an applique decal on one of the landing gear struts.

By October 17th, 1999, CCA had finished the general structure of the X-Wing, and was making plans for its maidenhead flight. The Mayor of San Fransisco wanted the X-Wing to fly over the Golden Gate Bridge on New Year's Eve 1999. They had until then to fully complete the plane.

Weapons Systems Design[edit | edit source]

Each of the X-Wing fighter's three wings were tipped with dangerous projectile-launching systems commonly referred to as a gun. These guns were on motorized mounts which enabled them several degrees of freedom - 5 up, 3 down, 2 left, and 2 right. At a distance of 10 miles, this means that the X-Wing was capable of placing projectiles anywhere approximately .8 miles above its horizon, .5 miles below it, and some smaller number left or right.

The CCA X-Wing used a sophisticated targeting system. A person, sitting in the cockpit of the X-Wing fighter, would use a Joystick to point a projectile weapon at a target. By firing a round and observing its trajectory, the person could later determine whether to alter the trajectory of subsequent rounds in order to ensure a hit.

While the X-wing is in motion, it is very difficult to use this aiming system. The system becomes practically worthless when the targets are also in motion.

Assuming the targeting systems functioned effectively, however, projectiles had the distinct possibility of inflicting minor body damage to target craft or causing moderate surprise to enemy pilots.

Test Flight and the Main Problem[edit | edit source]

The first test flight was done on the December 30, 1999. It was discovered that, despite calculations, the X-Wing could fly at a maximum altitude of 20 feet, at a top speed of 30 km/h. While this lead to a major increase in budget from the USAF, it came at a severe cost: The Golden Gate Bridge was 746 ft above the water.

If the fighter attempted to clear the bridge, shear forces would tear the craft apart. The McDD team welded sturdy metal plates at all major load points on the craft, however this only made the plane heavier and reduced its maximum altitude into the single digits.

The Solution[edit | edit source]

Then MD had an idea. They planned to fire the X-Wing fighter over the bridge using a large crossbow-type device, hoping it would soar into the air, fly over the bridge and land in a searing meteoric crash, killing the pilot but avoiding any other civilian casualties.

On the night of December 31st, 1999, CCA prepared the large crossbow with the prototype X-Wing fighter. The X-Wing was scheduled to "fly" over the bridge at exactly 12:00. At 11:59, CCA fired the crossbow.

The X-Wing was shot forward at speeds well in excess of its design limitations, causing it to shred like a hurled glop of wet flour on a direct collision course with the bridge.

Failure to Launch and Evasive Manuevers[edit | edit source]

In a desperate attempt to save the experimental fighter, the pilot triggered the fighter's three guns. Alas, the bridge withstood the assault. The pilot activated the hyper drive, taking the X-Wing far away from the bridge.

It seemed that the fighter was a success, although experts were concerned that removing the fourth wing also got rid of 25% its firepower, in addition to the known problems with its cripplingly limited velocity and altitude capabilities.

Public Reaction[edit | edit source]

The loss of the fighter's fourth wing enraged Star Wars fans everywhere. How could this new fighter be of any use if it didn't look like an X? Soon, they formed a resistance movement hoping to destroy the project and restore the X-Wing to its former glory. They collected as many weapons and vehicles as possible. They bought M-16s and AK-47s. They converted buses into armored personal transports and Hummers into makeshift tanks.

Soon, they stormed the factory. The factory turned to its last hope, the X-wings themselves. Pilots soared several feet into the air, firing down at the enraged fans. The fans fought back, hurling rocks and bits of plant matter at the X-Wings. After a battle that raged on for a seemingly interminable fourteen minutes, the factory was destroyed.

Project Closeout[edit | edit source]

After the humiliation of the X-Wing fighter at the battle, Crazy Clown Airlines canceled the X-Wing project. The destroyed X-Wings remain in a top-secret hangar at the CCA headquarters in Las Vegas; however, it is rumored that CCA built another X-Wing for someone named Darth Vader, although the US State Department has checked its records and has determined that there was no Mr. Vader was on the terror watch list.