Gilad Pellaeon
Gilad Pellaeon, also known as Commander Coward, is a really old Imperial admiral from Star Wars, whose main characteristic is taking abuse from his superiors, and fleeing battles. He only ever got promoted because his awesome moustache made him look the part of a badass military officer, and he was secretly jealous of Lando Calrissian, whose 'tache was justified by genuine military achievements.
Biography[edit | edit source]
Pellaeon was born in Burkina Faso in 57 BBY. At a young age he joined the Republic army and shot up droids for a few years. After Emperor Palpatine eliminated the Jedi Pellaeon stayed in the Imperial fleet, and spent most of his career kissing ass and grooming 'tache. Nothing much happens for a while until the Battle of Endor where Pellaeon learns his signature tactic, retreat when your superior dies, or fails miserably. After the Emperor got blown into a billion tiny pieces by a leftist terrorist organization, Pellaeon, in command of a Star Destroyer, ordered the Imperial fleet to flee despite a 10 000 to 1 advantage over the Rebels. Surprisingly, the other moronic Imperial captains obeyed him.
Eventually Pellaeon found himself serving under Grand Poohbah Thrawn, who finally returned from his vacation on the planet Pyongyang. Thrawn gathered his forces and tried to crush the leftist terrorists who had now formed the GUSSR (Galactic Union of Soviet Socialist Republics), led by Luke Skywalker. Shortly thereafter Pellaeon ended up serving under Admiral Daala. Unfortunately, she was about as competent as a feces-throwing monkey and resigned in disgrace. The only thing of note that happened during this time was Pellaeon got promoted to Vice Admiral for boinking Daala several times, he skipped promotion to Rear Admiral because she wasn't into that sort of thing.
After Daala's resignation, Pellaeon promoted himself to Fleet Admiral, and made himself Supreme Commander of what was left of the Imperial Fleet. Since this consisted of a couple of rickety space barges, and Grand Poohbah Thrawn's old pleasure yacht of hedonism, Pellaeon decided to surrender to the GUSSR.
Pellaeon spent the next 10 years in a Gulag. He was released when Borsk Gorbechev decided to institute Glasnost and Perestroika. Pellaeon then rallied several angry strike fleets of the GUSSR fleet to his banner, and promoted himself to Grand Admiral. At last report he was stinking drunk on Vodka, appealing to the people to support his military coup against the tyrannical Gorby.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- Pellaeon as of the coup attempt is approximately 197 years old.
- Pellaeon once took a dump in the urinal of Thrawn's pleasure yacht of hedonism. He ordered his abused underling, Ensign Expendable to clean it up.
- When Pellaeon surrendered to the GUSSR, he was tortured by being forced to watch every single episode of Star Trek Deep Space Nine consecutively. Some say he never quite recovered from the experience.
- Pellaeon is a Cylon Agent!!! Surprised huh?!
- After his assassination, Lando Calrissian shaved off his tache as a mark of respect, then shortly thereafter commited suicide due to the trauma of being clean shaven for the first time since the age of 14.
