Jek Porkins

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Porkins speaking to a room full of 2nd graders about the importance of sanitary meat processing. Look how American he is.


~ Jek Porkins on His Potency


~ Jek Porkins on His irresistible body

Jek Porkins (born July 11, 1972) is an American supermodel, author, dancer, and former pilot. Known affectionately by friends and family as Piggy, Porkins is most famous for writing the beloved 1993 children's book Winnie the Pooh which is an autobiographical account of Porkin's childhood. Porkins currently poses for Playgirl magazine and was most notably awarded for his appearance in the 1997 Christmas issue Porkins is active in politics surrounding the bushmeat trade. On the topic, he says: "Sounds like a tasty idea".

Early Life[edit | edit source]

Jek Porkins was born in Houston, Texas in 1972 to Gerald and Helena Porkins, second generation cattle farmers of Tatooine heritage. He attended the Fifth Street Baptist School of Meat Processing in 1984 and graduated summa cum laude but had to flee because his classmates mistook his squeals of joy for the squeals of a pig and attempted to remove his tenderloin. Throughout the rest of his student career he was often bullied for his hefty size. Moved towards depression at the young age of 14, Porkin's attracted the worry of his parents who sent him to a fat camp in the desert where he was forced to dig holes. It was there that Porkins realized his full potential. Pushed to the breaking point on an obstacle course, Porkins decided that 'he was what God made him'. In an act of rebellion, Porkins rushed and consumed his councilor and over five acres of scrubland. In his childhood his closest friend was Raptor Jesus

Dancer[edit | edit source]

After hitchhiking back to Houston, Porkins threw his weight around and took up a part time job at Taco Bell while attending slam dancing school. While attending, Porkins took up an internship at a local male lounge as a slam dancer, where he attracted the eye of an Imperial officer who immediately fell in love with him. Porkins nimbly dodged and weaved the Imperial's attempts to seduce him and the sexually misoriented officer left in a rage

...and drink (BACON-FLAVORED VODKA!)

accompanied only by a major case of the blue balls. Porkin's coworkers told him what a bad idea it had been to cross the Empire who would take revenge on what meant most to him which would lead them to his...home. Heaving himself into his 1987 Astro, Porkin's shot off for home but it was too late: The officer had huffed Porkin's kitteh'...and somehow the the rest of the family, rendering them basically the equivalent of mulch. Luckily, he saw the Imperial getaway car: a baby blue Prius. Porkin's took up the chase on foot and huffed and puffed his way after the vehicle which eventually hit a pole and totaled the hideous car. As the officer staggered from the wreckage, Porkins grabbed him by the leg and proceeded to devour the most delicious meal he had ever eaten. He swore himself eternally as an enemy of the Empire.

Enemy of the Empire[edit | edit source]

Because he hated to run places and rather wished to 'sit around', Porkin's applied to be a star pilot in the Glorious Texas Air National Guard during the Rebellion Against the Empire. After five months of just kinda sitting there, Porkin's was called up for active duty to go blow up some battle station somewhere. Clutching a massive drum of sweet and sour chicken, Porkin's boarded a Xenu DC-8, which was actually a spaceship somehow, and took off for Yavin IV.

Porkins begins his burrowing procedure to heroically destroy the Death Star

Upon arriving, no one wanted to talk to him, so he spent the entire time there squeezing himself into the cockpit of an X-Wing starfigher. The strike team launched towards the space station and began their attack. Ever a maverick, Porkins figured that his mass and density was far greater than that of the station's armor. Deceiving his friends by igniting one of his farts and making up something about 'a problem', Porkin's began burrowing through the station, ripping an unholy tunnel of destruction in his wake. Reaching the center of the station, he bore witness to the massive reactor. He recalls that it tasted like crab. As dessert he grabbed a magic missile that came flying towards what had been the reactor but it gave him indigestion so he chucked up, destroying the station and the planet Yavin. He then returned to the forest moon of Yavin to the horrible truth that

Far more powerful than a lazor when fully charged, Porkins demonstrates the method used to destroy the Death Star.

everyone thought some other guy blew up the space station. Returning dejectedly to earth, munching on fritos, Porkin's sank once more into depression. It was in a fit of potato salad induced madness that Jek decided to write his autobiography. Considered a classic by many, Porkins wrote Winnie the Pooh in under a month. More often then not, he wrote under the influence of Twinkies.

Personal Life[edit | edit source]

Marriage and Residence[edit | edit source]

In 1995, Porkins was married to Irma Mae Hootkins, another native of Dallas Texas. They welcomed their first child, Patty Fatkins in 1996. The family used to own a pet hamster, Charles, who Jek was unaware of until the 1998 Super Bowl, when he ran out of beenie weenies and trampled through the house looking for food. He caught sight of the cage and the small animal and his hunger overwhelmed him. The rodent ran frantically on its wheel but was overwhelmed by the obese man, who gobbled him quickly up. Porkins passed the running wheel two days later. The Porkins family frequently patronize the Glorious Super China Space Buffet III off of 9th avenue. The Porkins residence does not allow solicitors unless they are bringing food. Food is accepted between six and ten AM, with a lunch break from eleven to three, then resuming until five. Also by appointment. The Porkins family is often to be seen at Walmart in the meat department.

Politics[edit | edit source]

Porkins is a member of the Republican Party and advocates anti-gun control laws and also asserts states' rights, even going so far as to declare himself a sovereign territory. Porkins has his own zipcode, but he isn't telling anyone what it is.

Faith[edit | edit source]

At home, Porkins is an avid reader and especially enjoys the Bible. His favorite verses cover the ecstasies and joys of "milk and honey" in the promised land. He champions God as an advocate of meat slaughtering and sacrifice. He is quoted as saying: "I appreciate a God who loves the smell of a slow cooked and seasoned ox shoulder, roasting until just right and then flipped." In fact, Porkins offers solemn animal sacrifices (one dog and two kittehs) every Sunday and will not allow himself to be disturbed for hours. He does this in thanksgiving for surviving to destroy the Death Star and also live in The US and A.