Unidentified man in green firing turret
Although only seen on screen for thirty seconds, the Unidentified man in green firing turret has had a monumental impact on the Star Wars universe in which he resides. From who the fuck cares to 4 ABY (whatever that is), the Unidentified man in green firing turret has been changing the way men, unidentified men, men in green, and especially unidentified men in green fire turrets all across the galaxy. Well, nobody's really shot a turret across the galaxy, but you know what I mean.
The Man... The Unidentified Man
People who killed the unidentified man in green firing turret
Princess Leia, (the murdering whore) stole his life away after only 30 seconds, leaving casual onlookers aghast as our hero met with the gravity of his situation, falling to an untimely death after being whacked off that little skiff thing in Episode 6. Few got to know the man behind the weird green hat, or to know of his hopes, dreams and aspirations. Most agree however that if alive today he would feel proud to serve as a role model for other men, men in hats, and men being booted off little skiff things in Episode 6.
A day in the life of the unidentified man in green firing turret
- May 22: Dear journal, today I finally got my turret-firing license! Although they couldn't find my name in the system, I'm sure it will turn up.
- That was weird that they forced me to a day of training firing a turret. I went to the finest turret-firing college in the galaxy, and they think I don't know how to fire a turret? I've been firing turrets since some of these boys were in diapers! oh well, at least the job security is good. Yep, so long as we're not attacked by main characters, I'm sittin' pretty until retirement.
- Ol' boss Jenkins says I'm not firing my turret enough. It's really starting to get to me. Most of the other guys here have got hats which are much more green than mine, and I think I'm starting to develop a bit of a complex.
- Well, the line at Subway was WAY too long. Oh well, at least I can fire my turret again. NO, BOSS, I'M NOT WRITING IN MY GAY LITTLE DIARY AGAIN! ...why did I just write that?
- It's the end of the day, and I reached the turret firing quota! Thank god. Maybe Mr. Jenkins will
warm me upwarm up to me now.
The unidentified man in green firing turret's turret
He loved that little turret. It would follow him down to the space-bagel shop every morn', waiting for its master outside. When the time came, it did it's turretish duty: SHOOTIN' LAZOR-BEAMS!!!! But during the downtime, it huddled next to it's poor, pathetic, unidentified master, waiting for the next battle, keeping him warm on the cold, cold streets with all it's lazor-beams n' shit.
The unidentified man in green firing turret's firing
Little is known about the Unidentified man in green firing turret's turret firing technique, except for the 9 chapters in his memoirs regarding it. In them, he lays out his style by pointing out that he always pointed away from the main characters in case he needed them later for his nefarious schemes. Unfortunately, Unidentified man in green firing turret was less than nefarious, and was unceremoniously knocked off that ship thing he was on thirty seconds after his first appearance in the Star Wars universe.
Not to be confused with the unidentified man in the green firing turret
Confusion has come about regarding the unidentified man in Scene 26 of Episode 2:Clone Wars seated in the green firing turret. Despite the facts that (1) the job security of manning a turret that fires automatically is less than stable (unlike the Unidentified man in green firing turret's job, which was pretty secure), and (2) the unidentified man in the green firing turret was actually in blue, fans are still confused as to the difference. Poor, stupid fans.
Similarly, this person is not at all related to the "unidentified man in green riding a hover bike" in the game Mega Man X2. Some people still get the two mixed up, especially considering the cult following of the latter, who is colloquially known as the "Green Biker Dude" and had an astonishing two scenes to his name. However, since the ending was the only difference between the two scenes (spoiler alert, he gets shot and dies) the relevance of this is debatable. Suffice it to say that the Green Biker Dude is not, and never will be, the unidentified man in green firing turret.
Ode to the unidentified man in green firing turret
Ode to the unidentified man in green firing turret who got killed thirty seconds after his first appearance by a Vogon.
| “ | This unidentified Human male was employed by Jabba Desilijic Tiure, however he also managed to employ the once cold heart of this young love sick similarly human male (despite what the football team says...). He was a guard on the sail barge during the Skirmish at Carkoon in 4 ABY, yet he was always a guard of my heart, protecting me from the disappointments and AVOs that I received from previous love; where he was killed by Leia Organa, just like my bitch of a mother killed my ambition to one day consummate my relationship with you, Unidentified man in green firing turret who got killed thirty seconds after his first appearance, my love. As I cast my eye over my self made shrine (literally, a lot of hair went into that) it is clear that he (what a man!) wore a light green outfit (so fitting) and a dark (oh) green (oh yeah) hat (OOHH YEEEAAHH!)... just like he will always wear my heart. | ” |
The Unidentified Man In Red Pants
With pants so red that people remembered his pants instead of his name, The Unidentified Man In Red Pants was also booted off that little skiff thing in episode 6. Along with the unidentified man in green firing the turret, the unidentified man in red pants had a long and productive relationship with the skiff thing in episode 6, until those bastard main characters killed him. A grave site for the unknown heroes is being constructed... uh, somewhere I'm sure! Maybe Mos Isely has a drink named after them: The Unidentified Drink.
Although he didn't live long against Luke Skywalker's lightsaber, the unidentified man in red pants was a complex character, filled with interesting paradoxes, who was unjustly stabbed before his time.
Compared to the Unidentified Man Obscured In Smoke Off To The Right, The Unidentified Man In Red Pants' death was a turning point in the rebellion. Instead of just being obscured in smoke, The Unidentified Man In Red Pants actually did something with his fuckin' life. Although not as important as the Unidentified Man In White Bounding Down Staircase, he still made his contribution to the Star Wars canon.
The Unidentified Man In Red Pants' Pants
Concerning The Unidentified Man In Red Pants Controversy, Mr. Lucas has stated that "The man's pants are indeed red, as per the Star Wars Canon in which Jabba the Hut personally weaves the red pants from Orlock space-weavil thread with the tenderest of care in the fan-fic book, Star Wars 19:The Orlock Diaries 2:Return of the Orlocks."
The Unidentified Man In Red Pants' Identity
In the book version of Episode 4:A New Hope, the Unidentified Man In Red Pants let out a whelp when he was struck down by Mr. Fancy Pants Skywalker's lightsaber similar to "Marsha!" Either the name of his wife or girlfriend, the Unidentified Man In Red Pants has given us a clue to his identity. With outraged fans at his door, Lucas denied giving the Unidentified Man In Red Pants an identity, saying "No, he's still unidentified! Look, buy some Unidentified Man In Red Pants action figures, with real pants action! That'll make you stop hating me, right?"
Lessons From The Unidentified Men
We shouldn't take our duties lightly, for we may, at any second, be struck down by the main character or knocked off that little skiff thing in episode 6 when all we wanted to do was fire our turret or wear red pants. Which begs the question: who's the real monster here? All they did was fire a turret and wear pants, and what self-respecting humanoid wouldn't want to do the same? Truly, these unidentified men were inspirations to unidentified men everywhere, whether they be extras in a Bond film or just people in the background in commercials, they will be the standard to which all unidentified men are held to.
References
- Wookiepedia, Unidentified man in green firing turret
- Darthipedia, Unidentified man in green firing turret
- Wookiepedia, The Unidentified Man In Red Pants
