Qui-Gon Jinn

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Love is the answer to the darkness. Love is all you need. Dude! Free love up in Jedi Limbo!

Qui-Gon Jinn is a character in the Star Wars franchise. He is a Jedi Master and long-haired hippie who trained Obi-Wan Kenobi. He got killed wasted by some tattooed freak at the end of the first movie, which totally wasn't rad.

Biography[edit | edit source]

Mission to Naboo[edit | edit source]

In 22 BBY, Qui-Gon and his totally un-mellow apprentice were sent to the planet Naboo to negotiate with the Trade-in Federation in order to make them realize that they are—and always have been—cheap.

But you can totally guess what those fascist capitalist pigs did, right? Invaded. Total fuckin' set-up. So Qui-Gon the two Jedi snuck onboard the pigs' ships and got to Naboo. There, they met a silly amphibian named Jar Jar Binks, who took them to the city of Otoh Gunga where they could find a way to the Queen of Naboo.

There, they use a Gungan submarine to travel through the planet core to the queen's palace, avoiding giant fish along the way.

The Jedi reach Queen Padmé Amidala and escape with her into outer space. There, Federation ships shoot at them and damage their hyperdrive. So anyway, they can't go to the big city planet, so they go someplace close by, 'cause they gotta go somewhere—Qui-Gon's got a big pile of Hardee's wrappers in the back seat and Princess Clown's all "Oh my god, this is so grody" and shit.

Meeting Space Jesus[edit | edit source]

Qui-Gon Jinn facing Professor Subtle

So they land on Tatooine, and Qui-Gon's all, "Sweet! We can score some tattoos, man!" And he was gonna get this one, okay, with like, a skull and a lightsaber goin' through it? And I guess there was gonna be a snake in there too. But Obi-Wan's all "Master, we have to fix the hyperdrive," harshin' the buzz as usual.

So, okay, they go to this shop, and Qui-Gon meets this kid, and he's all "Hey kid, you're small, you wanna sneak into the cantina and score us some Thunderbird?" But the kid's all "Fuck you, ya old hippie, I'm gonna be a Jedi." And they're all, "Yeah, whatever," but then he totally wins this pod race. I know, right?

Fightin' the power[edit | edit source]

So they leave Tatooine, and Qui-Gon takes the kid to the Jedi Council, but they're all bein' a bunch of old farts, and they're like, "This kid's too evil to train," or something. So Qui-Gon's all "Fuck all y'all! I'll train him myself, you suck-ass losers!" And Obi-Wan's like, "No way!" And Qui-Gon's all, "Yes way!"

So then they go back to Naboo, 'cause like, Princess Clown wants to, or something. And they totally bust into the royal joint, okay, but then there's this tattooed Sith freak, and Qui-Gon's all "Dude, where'd you score those wicked tattoos? 'Cause like, we were just on Tatooine, right? But we never found any tattoo parlors." And, okay, this freak? He just STANDS there. Totally silent, man. Creepy fuckin' shit.

A most egregiously noble end[edit | edit source]

Okay, so this is like, where the story gets sad, okay. Because Qui-Gon? He's all saber-dueling this tattoo guy, you know, and Obi-Wan's helping, but then, I dunno, there's these laser wall things or something? And so it's just Qui-Gon and the Sith dude, and Qui-Gon totally takes a lightsaber to the gut, man. Dies right there. Well, first he like, told Obi-Wan to train the kid, which is totally bogus.

See also[edit | edit source]