Jawa
“Chavs have gone intergalatic!”
“Why don't your clear off around your own bloody council planets?”
Jawa are a race of small disembodied eyes, who inhabit large, illogically dark robes, who over the years have developed a fetish for electronics. An industrial, yet very spiritual kind of eye, they believe that they can reach a higher plain of existence, simply by selling junk to unsuspecting desert folk.
History[edit | edit source]
No one is quite sure where the Jawa eye came from. Some suspect they are the leftover eyes of the long lost Bull Moose Party, who where saved from the wrath of their overlord, Osama bin Laden by the bland and irritating Captain Obvious the Others believe they're radical Canadians who just couldn't take the cold. In any case, the Jawa really got publicity in the late 70's after the controversial documentary Star Wars showcased their lifestyle. The film gave an inside look into the hunting patterns, walking styles, sexual acts, and living conditions of their race. Audiences were extremely compassionate toward their lifestyle, and started to embrace them as equals to at least dogs. The Jawa however, decided to remain in the deserts.
Faith[edit | edit source]
The faith of the Jawa is confusing, yet simplistic. They believe in collecting garbage and selling it to others for a hefty price.. IN SPACE!!. It was revealed years later that the original prophet for the Jawa was in fact, Fred Sanford. They have since developed their faith into the idea that by cheating others and having the upper hand in a situation, they'll be able to reach a higher plain of existence. Or as Fred would say, "For $500 dollars, I can turn IG-88 into a sex machine!"
Over the years, the Jawa have developed a multi-country missionary sect who travel from home to home looking to spread the word their faith and bring others to their side. Much like the Mormons or the Cleveland Browns. The Jawa however do not visit any nationality that may not fit into their culture no matter how many times they brainwash. These groups include:
- Prostitutes
- Jedi
- Bedes
- Polish
- Denver Broncos Fans
- People who frequently say Gesundheit
Passion for Electronics[edit | edit source]
Jawas are known for their passion for electronics. They are the ultimate geeks, and are known to steal anything that plugs into a wall. This includes computers, droids, iPods, BlackBerries, vibrating dildos, microwave ovens, televisions, PalmPilots and automatic marijuana chopping machines. They will then sell these items on eBay.
Living Conditions[edit | edit source]
The Jawa live in very odd conditions. Living in the desert prevents them from creating stable homes, so instead they took a page from Kansas natives and made their places mobile. However, the Jawa are not retarded mullet wearers, and made their home out of pure metal to prevent tornados from whisking them away to mystic lands. Within these homes, they manage to collect junk with very large vacuums they stole from Hoover and store them in the lower compartments. Here they put the equipment they deem valuable into storage cases and take them from town to town to sell to gullible idiots. The rest they send out to the city of New Orleans so they can continue to make commercials about how damaged the city is.
For those looking to purchase, the standard home for a Jawa comes complete with living room, kitchen, dining room, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, 2 jerkoff rooms, foosball court, and storage areas. All rooms smell like BBQ'd roach hair, but are very stylish in orange light.
Edible Treat[edit | edit source]
In recent years it's been discovered the Jawa are quite a delicacy! Stormtroopers were the first to realize this after looking for a couple of pesky droids; they shot several in what has been called the Tatooine Massacre. After being blasted, a strange aroma started coming from the fried corpses that troopers could only describe as "heavenly." When tasted it became clear that fried Jawa meat is one tasty treat. While it is tastier than your average chicken nugget, it is also three times likely to give you a heart attack than anything served at Carl's Jr. Several troopers throughout the empire have tried to market the race as a form of fried food, but have met several roadblocks along the way including the ASPCA who designate them as a type of kangaroo and demand they be put on the endangered species list.
