Darth Maul
— Obi-Wan Kenobi, after cutting Darth Maul into two pieces
Darth Maul (real name Who gives a fuck NERD) was an infamous Dark Lord of the Sith. He was known for his double-edged lightsaber, strong resemblance to the Devil, and immense coolness (despite having no personality and speaking three lines in the movie).
Biography[edit | edit source]
Early life[edit | edit source]
Born in 54 BBY on the planet Dathomir, Khameir was the son of Boris and Natasha Lyubov. Khameir's father was a soldier in the Tsarist army, his mother was a common housewife.
For the first few years of his life, Khameir was determined to become a doctor, but the Revolution attempt of 1905 caused a great change in the young man, following the Revolution he officially joined the Bolshevik Party. His loyalty to the party, Lenin's ideals and Lenin himself soon caught Lenin’s attention ... Viktor soon became very popular within the Party. Also, his strange fascination with tater tots drove him closer to the dark side.
DRU career[edit | edit source]
Khameir was recruited into the GRU shortly after it was established by dictator Lenvl Smsim, where he was given the Codename Darth Maul. The early days of his career involved suppressing the activities of opponents of Gungan control over Dathomir and removing any enemies Lenin had within the Party, by 1922 he had adopted the infamous red and black face paint and black robes ... the attire that would later cause his infamy to reach new heights.
During the Great Patriotic War, Darth Maul played a central role during the Battle of Stalingrad, mammothly aiding in the efforts to drive Nazi forces out of the city. He was given several medals and awards for the operations he carried out over the course of the war.
During the brief period that the JLA's Government were in power, Darth Maul and several other GRU agents covertly passed information onto the U.N. in order for them to make Chuck Norris's infiltration of Russia run smoothly.
Maul was one of the many GRU agents deployed to Utupau for the purposes on Intelligence gathering as well as direct combat duties. Over the course of the war, he became very good friends with fellow GRU operative Philip Henry.
Darth Maul was also assigned intelligence gathering activities during the First Chechen War.
Lord Maul ... rise[edit | edit source]
During the First Chechen War, Darth Maul's lightsaber skills caught the attention of Emperor Palpatine. Darth Maul was approached by Palpatine and was offered a job as a Sith Lord. He refused at first, but after the Russian Government realized they may be able to use the Sith – not only to revive the Soviet Union but to spread the Soviet sphere of influence into outer space – Maul was ordered to accept the job.
Battle of Naboo and "death"[edit | edit source]
Darth Maul PcCartney was sent to capture Queen Amidala and eliminate the two Jedi who had been dispatched by the Galactic Republic to settle the conflict and protect the Queen. Maul just barely failed in this task on Tatooine, and thus, he thirsted for revenge.
Darth Maul battled Obi-Wan Kenobi and his master Billy Connolly (known as Qui-Gon-Yinn) on Naboo. Upon arriving on Naboo, Maul went straight at the two Jedi, ignoring the Queen and allowing her to escape. In a vicious duel during the Battle of Naboo, Maul fended off both his Jedi opponents with the help of his double-bladed lightsaber. After separating the Jedi Master from his Padawan, Maul finally succeeded in slaying Yinn. He then challenged Kenobi. The young Padawan, enraged at his master's death, struck out at Maul with a furious assault. Maul eventually Force-pushed Kenobi into a pit. He taunted the Padawan from the high ground, who dangled helplessly by a ledge, watching his lightsaber fall down into the abyss. However, Kenobi calmed himself and connected with the Force. He made a spectacular leap out of the shaft and Force-guided Jinn's lightsaber into his own hands. Wasting no time in striking as he landed from his jump, Kenobi cut the astounded Maul in two before he could react.[1] Maul barely had time to grimace as his body tumbled down the shaft in two pieces. His modeling career was clearly over.
Half-existence as a druggie-HOLY SHIT HE SURVIVED??![edit | edit source]
There is nothing further to add to Maul's story. He clearly fell down what, a kajillion-septillion parsec lightyears down that shaft, and everything below the waist was fried off even if he didn't fall that far, so he would have been toast (pun intended) anyways. Any conspiracy theories insinuating that Maul made it out alive are clearly the delusion of some money-hungry fanfiction writers who.. wait, that wasn't Kathleen Kennedy's bright idea? That was from before the Mouse House took over? Well, shit.
So anyways... Maul, against all odds, survived because he landed in a bin full of meth, Smirnoff vodka, and death sticks, which was then smuggled off to the United States of America, what a country! No, the meth and the death sticks are vile poison, meant to ensnare any who partook in it, namely American pre-teens, but like any Russian Dathomiran and any other individual from the former Soviet republics, Maul was sustained by that wonderful, wonderful booze. He may have partook in some of the other two, which when combined with the vodka, causes intense hysteria and delusion. When the bin finally arrived in Seattle to be sold by the Drug Confederacy, the smugglers found no more vodka, half the drugs left, and a drugged-out, badass-looking half-man who had somehow survived getting sliced in half. Granted, Maul was still wimpering about getting pwned by Kenobi and losing his manhood, legs, and practically everything below the chest in the process.
The smugglers considered tossing Maul into the garbo, even considering selling him for meat at Pike Place Market,[2] but some rich, hipster Wicca practitioner who also happened to be of Dathomiran background took interest in the sobbing, drug-addicted, horned half-man, and paid a handsome price for Maul. That witch so happened to be Jeff Bezos's daughter. Despite her so-called magic utterly failing to revive Maul to his former greatness, the magic of being stupidly rich and having access to state-of-the-art cybernetic technology allowed Bezos Jr. to rebuild Maul into a badass cyborg, complete with a cybernetic wee-wee. Maul then hauled his drug-addicted, cybernetic self back to the galaxy far, far away to get revenge on Obi-Wan, only to find that he had been fired by Palpatine for some old guy.
Mercenary Clone Wars stuff[edit | edit source]
Having been brought back from the brink of death by Dave Filoni and the will of the Force Fans, Maul had to have been given something to do aside from look badass, so he went back to doing some mercenary stuff, including fight alongside Yevgeny Prigozhin in Russia's clone war. He also killed Obi-Wan's supposed girlfriend.
Real death[edit | edit source]
Years later, Maul, still trying to hunt down Obi-Wan, finally found him back on Tatooine, now an old geezer. Trying to bait Obi-Wan into another badass duel, Maul was instead KO'd in the first three seconds of the fight, as Obi-Wan sliced him in half again, this time vertically. That should do the trick. Unfortunately, Disney wouldn't allow that to be shown on a kids' cartoon, so you'll just have to imagine it.
See also[edit | edit source]
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Apparently, the high ground only applies to Obi-Wan
- ↑ Side note, Maul's lower half was indeed found elsewhere and sold to some Omicronians in the market for some "lower horn" to "spice up their sex life"
