UnNews:Disney buys Fox, which means unaltered Star Wars

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Saturday, December 16, 2017

Thursday, in a state far,
far away...


It is a period of absolute fuckery. Donald Trump is President*, even though it's only because he colluded with Russia. Your favorite rock stars are dead. Your favorite actors and respected personalities are accused of sexual harassment. The FCC voted to end Net Neutrality. And a child molester almost became Alabama's U.S. Senator.

But in much easier to stomach news, Disney has announced that it is officially buying 20th Century Fox (which kinda-sorta renamed itself 21st Century Fox... about 15 years too late). Not only does this mean that all the Marvel boys are back home, it also means that there's nothing preventing Disney from possibly releasing the original unaltered theatrical cuts of Star Wars.

...Except maybe Darth Lucas.

This means that we could one day see an officially-sanctioned release of the theatrical cuts in which Han shot first, Greedo never fired, Jabba the Hutt didn't show up until Return of the Jedi, Jar Jar Binks didn't say "We-sa free!" at the end of Return of the Jedi, that stupid "Jedi Rocks" song is nonexistent, that stupid CGI rock is nonexistent, all that CGI crap is gone, and Star Wars no longer sucks, unless you're willing to brave the torture of the prequels.

Release it on Blu-ray, 4K, and/or theatrically. YOU WILL MAKE MONEY.

And even if Darth Lucas and/or his Empire intervene, all Disney has to do is buy Lucas himself. That way, Disney will have every single right to release George's least favorite versions of one of the most beloved film sagas in cinematic history, and there's nothing that little crybaby can do about it.

The Fox purchase also means that the Star Wars films can once again open with the 20th Century Fox logo and fanfare. By now, everyone knows John Williams wrote the Star Wars theme in B flat to match the Fox fanfare.

The Fox purchase includes Alien, The Simpsons, The X Files, Anastasia (which you can finally mistake for a Disney movie without it technically being a mistake), those lame attempts to make Alvin & The Chipmunks modern, half the rights to the Adam West Batman series, The Sound of Music, and pretty much everything besides Fox News and Fox Sports.

The Last Jedi opened Friday. Unfortunately, the purchase happened too late to insert the Fox fanfare.