|“||Fox News: truthiness, realness, credibilityness.||”|
Fox News is the respected news source Americans turn to when they tire of unstrustable news. Fox transmits news, news that matters in today's ultra modern fast times. Americans only have about 8 hours a day to watch continuous news-cycles and so Fox makes those minutes and hours count. Fox News is famous for just how unbiased it has become since they introduced fairness and balance in a news world of dishonest unreliability. Fox answers the questions Americans want answered and when no questions are Answered by Americans, fox tells Americans when at what to ask and then gives the answers with total unskiewedness. That is the new news for America's most discriminating newsies.
It goes without saying that unbiased news is what fox viewers are told to want. Fox News delivers just what they have relentlessly told viewers to care about. Our fairness, honesty, and respected un-weasel-ness can only be enjoyed by a public who wants it and fox will make sure everyone wants it all the time, seven days a week. What else would you expect other than what we tell you to expect? Only Fox News can give you what we tell you you want.
Fox broadcasts on a fifteen second time delay. That is ten seconds longer a time delay than our closest rival. That's Fox, delivering its news just a few seconds more out of sync.
Scathing documentaries, vitriolic books and caustic academics are always trying to destroy accuracy in the reporting of information. Fox never stoops down to that level. Not even once. If Fox News refuses to air something than that something is obviously dishonest which is something we don't air and that's why Fox News doesn't do so.
The Theology of Fox News
Fox News is the modern equivalent of the Holy Bible only more unbiased and non-one-sided, only Fox news is even longer than the bible with a relentless 24 hour litany of unending scripts, giving hope and truth to America's most chronic insomniacs and fatigued housewives. We even broadcast news when you are asleep as the spirit of information reporting doesn't stop while you are unconscious. Leave the TV on and your sleeping brain will subconsciously assimulate truth and integrity. Who else explains to Americans these perilous and terrifying times with panic and urgency? Perhaps an invisible deity in the sky could, but undoubtedly Fox News does and always will...forever and ever and ever.
The Truth Must Be Reported As It Happens
Fox News has the most breaking news interruptions in America giving you breaking news now on the spot no matter what. Fox even interrupts its own breaking news interruptions if the news is more important and more trustworthy. Where else can you find instant fairness and immediate realness? Interrupted news matters and our news breaking-news breaks are news-broken to you, the hooked audience, in a way that matters very much to Americans.
Other stations may film flying bombs in the Middle East while Fox News is in the building as it collapses. Late night news may report the details of airliner disasters but Fox News is in the plane as it's about to crash. We are always there. News could never be as respectable if Fox wasn't always at the centre of everything.
Not only is Fox News impartial, but Fox News also "reminds" its viewers ad nauseam of this truth. Americans deserve to know just how unvarnished and factualistic Fox News is. The more Fox News calls itself impartial the more impartial it becomes. No one can take that away from Americans.
Fox News revamps its slogan every time it becomes more truthier. When "Fair and Balanced" news becomes "Balanced and Fair" then we will change our logo accordingly to more accurately represents Fox News. It would be unfair to the world if we didn't.
Fox News's top-notch staff includes well known and respected intellectual Bill O'Reilly. Our journalists must pass a stringent and exhaustive test of their sincerity, but more importantly how well and how often they can tell Americans how fair they are and how often they can tell hostile news guests to shut up when they say things Americans don't need to hear. The world doesn't need more news stations, it needs sound journalists who will remind Americans that only amazing journalists work for Fox News.
Fox's mantras are sacred. Fox News dropped a Coca-Cola add based solely on the suspicion that their Diet Coke commercial was unfair and unbalanced. That is Fox News at the height of its integrity to viewers around America. Fox News cares less about lost revenue when fairness is on the line.
All news stories are thoroughly screened through Fox News's scientific news-unobjectivity-scanning-device programmed by MIT's most unbiassed engineers. Fox News has spent literally billions of dollars on this device that could only be designed by science and honesty. The machine is so infaliable that it spits out the next day's news before it even happens. Not even Wikipedia can predict the future or compare with the objectivity-o-tron in its stunning honest honesty.
Plus or Minus the Facts
No one can call any Fox News broadcast misleading because truth is delivered relative to a risk of error that's plus or minus the facts. A news story recounting less facts than the amount of facts available does not mean that an untrue story is broadcasted, it simply means it is a story that's partially untold. News-watchers merrit plus and never minus the credibility and 180º tilt. The more we broadcast, the more our news is plus the facts.
The Future of News and Fox
Our mission is to make Americans become as unprejudiced to fact and veracity as Fox news is. News-certainty will never go away, we will beam authenticity into your homes, out your tv or device, through your corneas, and filtered into your mind in a wave of respect, clearness and obviousness. Current news needs to be really really respected news, and really really really unbiased as well. This is a promise Fox News makes to its viewers, and it's a promise Fox News will never ever ever ever fail to be about.