Darth Maul's Diary

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Darth Maul

My actual name is unknown. I forgot the dub in which they called me since my birth many years ago. The day I do not remember, much like my memory of how my face became red; empty. I have horns on my head, so I choose to rely on the idea I am of a species called the Zabrak. My prime was during the Naboo crisis, which was indeed, some swampy shit for the most part. I actually loved the Theed Royal Palace in which I invaded and never knew about the mining pit and its surroundings. That was simply badass. Much like my dual-sided lightsaber forged with the hateful energies of the dark side. And no, you may not touch it.

Let myself speak, for you seek a biography, I assume. I mean, I have a few moments to spare before I meet up with the Jedi scum here in Theed Royal Palace. I had no childhood, for if I could forge my own opinion, I can tell you I desired none. I was taken at a young age by the simply "cool" Sith Lord, Darth Sidious, to be trained in the ways of the not-so light side of the force. Ever since then, I trained without a break. Every single day of the week, I was out there training! Err, except Sunday because of Dark Side Bible School, but that's not the point! I worked my ass off to the point I considered myself unreal. I lost my grasp onto my own personal theory on how I could sustain such sweat and hardcore workout, listening to nothing but Smooth Jazz and the latest Pop tunes. I, myself, became a Britney Spears fan. It broke my heart when she went downhill with her such mortal soul in which she uses to live. I'd shag her. Dammit! Where was I?

Oh, now I do recall. We were just describing my torturous training that demanded blood, sweat, and tears to get through on numerous accounts every minute, every day, every year until I was in less need of that so-called training! Indeed, things were more lenient on myself when my master, Darth Sidious, gave me my very first mission. In 33 BBY, I took down the Black Sun. I thought at first that this group was a bunch of hot-headed black guys but it was much worse, Mafia warriors. I took them down like it was nobody's business!

In 32 BBY, my master and I schemed together the most flawless plan of them all. The Invasion of Naboo. Since my master already had an inside job (or something to that extent) as "Senator Palpatine", we figured that raising him to the position of Supreme Chancellor of the Republic would allow our dreams and evil plans to go on a more untouchable path. That's right, make the flow more fluent. Strengthen it. Choke it and build it stronger. Make it know pain. Make it want to ge- what the hell am I talking about? Okay, back on topic.

After Amidala escaped from Naboo, I was dispatched by my master to follow her like a stalker pursuing his dream girl. Yes, think about it. They think of me as a mysterious creeper lurking through the shadows. It is only a matter of time before they realize the much deeper, hidden, and hateful reason I appear. My goal is singular with a reason to push me into doing my best. To exact vengeance upon the Jedi faggots for the decimation of the Sith ranks. My motive; my rage against the outcome of Britney Spears! GOD DAMMIT! I SHALL RELINQUISH THIS RAGE I HAVE BOTTLED UP WITHIN!

My first encounter head-on with this fool known as Qui-Gon Jinn was on this dusty-ass planet called Tatooine. This fool was escorting Queen Amidala and was about to escape on a ship they fixed! It seems watching the podracing tournament and stuffing my face with popcorn might have delayed my mission and sent me into a short state of confusion and stomach pains from overeating that buttery popcorn. Oh, so buttery. Never again.

I hear that fool known as Qui-Gon Jinn has been trying to spread the rumor that we, the Siths, are back. I also hear that nobody believes him and they still choose to believe that we, the Siths, are extinct. I pity the fools. They shall know darkness. I shall give the concept of darkness to them and make them suffer here at Theed Royal Palace. What was that? I think I hear them coming now! I shall write again soon.

Hmmm ... very boring. I mean, they're okay fighters. I've seen better. And of course, they're nothing compared to the dark side. That is a fact. Forever and always. I currently await them behind this red laser barricade. And by them, I mean more of that fool known as Qui-Gon Jinn. He is still a faggot. Forever and always. The Obi Wan guy is a slow one, indeed. He fell behind a long time ago. I doubt he'll survive much longer. Well, I'll be right back. This red laser barricade is gonna let up and Qui Gon will try to defeat me, and fail, like it's meant to be.

Yep. I killed him. His Padawan is pissed. Sorry for the lack of words in these recent updates. The intense action dominates.


Status level: Discontinued ...