UnScripts:Star Wars (2010)
Star Wars is a 2010 remake of the classic 1977 science fiction film, Star Wars. The movie features the main characters of the original; however they are portrayed by a new cast in a revamped plot, featuring pioneering, overused special effects. The narrative follows Luke Skywalker (Zac Efron) as he escapes his homeworld of Tatooine and joins Obi-Wan Kenobi (Sean Connery), Han Solo (Dennis Quaid) and Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew) to rescue Princess Leia Organa (Julia Roberts) and her hair (portrayed by two Cinnabons) and save the Rebel Alliance from the evil Darth Vader (Jeremy Irons) and Emperor Palpatine (Ralph Fiennes).
The remake was made when George Lucas felt a need to revive the Star Wars franchise in a way more graceful than Star Wars: The Clone Wars. Lucas also noticed the recent revival of other old science fiction franchises, such as Star Trek. He felt that a remake of the original Star Wars would be a win-win: he would not have to invent new ideas, but the audience would be treated to a new, revamped, overhyped version of the movie in return for some additional profit for Lucas himself. The remake, unfortunately, fared even worse than The Clone Wars, despite its conspicuous lack of Jar Jar Binks.
The movie was co-directed and co-produced by J. J. Abrams and George Lucas, with Michael Bay in charge of early production, and was highly controversial for its numerous omissions and changes, as well as retroactive continuity. Critics have remarked that the new movie "represents a radical departure from the original, in an extremely bad way", and that "some of the most remarkable scenes in the original are ... cut to make room for prolonged scenes in which everything ... is obscured by lens flare." Also noted was the dropping of models in favour of "CGI that looks so obviously faked. [Lucas] made no effort to improve on it after the prequels ... Even the lens flare looks fake, and nobody would have noticed it had it not been featured for half of the entire movie."
Said one critic:
| “ | Lucas has done it again. He has, once again, managed to completely ruin our fond memories of watching the original. Lucas still refuses to admit that Han shot first; we have the inane time travel plot we've seen somewhere before; and what is with the new paint jobs? | ” |
Scene 1: SPACE
Dramatic lens flare[1] as we see Princess Leia's ship, Tantive IV, glide across. Suddenly, a Star Destroyer zooms in from hyperspace. A high-speed chase ensues, jumping in and out of hyperspace, barely grazing asteroids, filled with explosions and excessively loud sound effects which will make the speakers hum with resonating awesomeness.
Scene 2: INT. TANTIVE IV CORRIDOR
We see C-3PO and R2-D2 gliding down the corridor, chased by Stormtroopers shooting at them. The shots continue to miss the two droids, triggering giant explosions of fuel tanks instead. They appear to be thoroughly doomed.
- C-3PO: We're doomed!
- R2-D2 (in droidspeak): Stop saying that!
C-3PO and R2-D2 reach an escape pod and board. We see PRINCESS LEIA boarding one as well.
Scene 3: SPACE
The escape pods jettison down towards the planet of Tatooine. Meanwhile, the Death Star appears out of nowhere. Tantive IV crashes into the battle station, damaging it only slightly, and is obliterated in a spectacular CGI sequence. The Star Destroyer goes after the Princess's escape pod.
Scene 4: EXT. LUKE'S HOUSE
It is late afternoon. LUKE and UNCLE OWEN are in front of the Jawa sandcrawler, examining a line-up of droids.
- UNCLE OWEN: We'll take the gold droid and the blue one.
Just as they have bought C-3PO and R2-D2, an Imperial ship lands behind them. Stormtroopers jump out, and run towards R2-D2, who runs away. C-3PO follows, as do Luke and Uncle Owen. An intense chase ensues, with intentionally discordant percussion in the background.[2] The four are trailed by laser shots and the occasional moisture vaporator explosion. Suddenly Uncle Owen is shot.
- LUKE: NO! UNCLE OWEN!
- UNCLE OWEN: JUST RUN, LUKE! JUST RUN!
Luke just runs, and suddenly sees OBI-WAN KENOBI in his landspeeder.
- LUKE: BEN!
- KENOBI: JUMP IN, LUKE! QUICK! BEFORE THE STORMTROOPERS GET YOU!
Luke jumps in, R2-D2 attaches himself to the side, and C-3PO grabs the spoiler. The landspeeder speeds off, far from the reach of the stormtroopers, who continue to shoot until the speeder is out of view. C-3PO is shaking visibly, as comic relief characters often do.
- C-3PO: I knew hanging on to the back was a bad idea.
Scene 5: INT. KENOBI'S HUT
Luke and Kenobi are seated and watching Princess Leia's message as projected by R2-D2. The camera cuts back and forth very rapidly between close-ups of Luke, Kenobi, and Leia, so as to distract viewers from spotting continuity gaffes. Message ends.
- KENOBI (with a knowing smile): You must learn the ways of the Force, if you're to come with me to Alderaan.
Rapid montage of Luke putting on a wardrobe, picking up his father's lightsaber, and training as Kenobi's de facto padawan, all set to highly distracting background music. The lightsabers have been redesigned to emit fancy, obviously CGI flares from time to time.
Scene 6: EXT. KENOBI'S HUT
We see Tatooine's binary sunset. Dramatic lens flare.
Scene 7: INT. MOS EISLEY CANTINA
Luke and Kenobi enter, with their droids waiting outside. They are subsequently harassed by some ugly aliens. At the same time, we see HAN SOLO and CHEWBACCA walking towards the exit, when he is blocked by a gang of RODIANS, led by GREEDO.
- GREEDO (in Rodian): Going somewhere, Solo?
Solo and Chewbacca and Greedo's gang immediately break into a full-on shootout. Simultaneously, Luke and Kenobi get their lightsabers out and proceed to slice the daylights out of their harassers, before turning their attention to the gunfight. Solo and Chewbacca have annihilated the Rodians.
- KENOBI: My, my. Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon. Who shot first this time?
- SOLO: Well, it seems kinda pointless to ask that now, doesn't it?[3]
Solo shows Luke and Kenobi his calling card.
- SOLO: Captain Han Solo. This is my first mate Chewbacca. [pause] You guys need a ride somewhere?
Scene 8: SPACE
We see the Death Star looming over ... Tatooine.
Scene 9: EXT. MOS EISLEY
- SOLO: Listen, I'm in this for the money, not for the kid. 15000, minimum.
- KENOBI: What if I told you right now that there was a space station hovering right over us that could obliterate this entire planet?
- SOLO: You just feel it, don't you?
- KENOBI: Yes, as a matter of fact—
- VADER: Luke Skywalker?
Everyone turns around to see the imposing presence of DARTH VADER.
- LUKE: Yeah, that's me.
- VADER: Hello. I am Darth Vader. You lost my lightsaber. Now watch this planet burn.
- LUKE: What?!
VADER returns to his TIE fighter, with discordant percussion fading in.
- KENOBI (to SOLO): We had better run to your ship, then?
CUT TO a dramatic montage of everyone running towards the Millennium Falcon, intercut with dramatic button presses at the Death Star.
Scene 10: SPACE
Vader's TIE fighter and the Falcon zoom into space side-by-side, with lens flare digitally added. A beam emitted by the Death Star reaches Tatooine, which explodes.
Scene 11: INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON
From the Falcon's view screen, we see Vader's fighter head towards the Death Star. Luke and Kenobi are pondering the events of the past few minutes, when suddenly a Force ghost appears. It is the GHOST OF KENOBI.
- LUKE: Who are you?
- GHOST OF KENOBI: I am the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi.
- KENOBI: No way. He's not dead. Not yet. He's me!
- GHOST OF KENOBI: Of course you are. I have come from the future, to warn you about what has happened.
- LUKE: Oh no ... is time travel involved in all of what has happened?
- GHOST OF KENOBI: I'm afraid so.
- LUKE: This is going to make things so confusing!
- KENOBI: We must act fast if that is the case. What has happened?
- GHOST OF KENOBI: In three years or so, Luke, you will duel with Darth Vader. He is your father.
- LUKE: NO! IT CAN'T BE—
- KENOBI: Not now, Luke.
- GHOST OF KENOBI: In the process, your right hand will be cut off.
- LUKE: THAT'S IMPOSSI—
- GHOST OF KENOBI: That lightsaber you are holding is your father's Jedi lightsaber. Therefore it is Vader's old lightsaber.
Luke begins to look very worried.
- GHOST OF KENOBI: You will lose it with your right hand.
- LUKE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- KENOBI: And this is what has caused Vader to journey back in time and exact revenge?
- GHOST OF KENOBI: Upon the whole galaxy. Of course, he's taken control of the Death Star in this time-line, so Tatooine has been destroyed. If you do not stop Vader, other star systems may meet the same fate.
- SOLO: This is ridiculous.
- R2-D2 (in droidspeak): We're being pulled in by that moon!
- SOLO: What's the droid saying?
- C-3PO: He claims we are being pulled in by that space station.
- R2-D2 (in droidspeak): No, it's a moon!
- C-3PO: That's no moon, it's a space station, you muddled glob of grease!
- R2-D2 (in droidspeak): All right, relax!
- GHOST OF KENOBI: I guess it's that obvious now.
- KENOBI: Indeed it is.
Scene 12: INT. DEATH STAR HANGAR
The Falcon is pulled in and forced to land. A hundred stormtroopers circle the Falcon. Suddenly Solo and Chewbacca emerge with machine blasters, mowing down the stormtroopers by brute force. Soon enough there are only a hundred dead stormtroopers circling the Falcon.
- SOLO: COME ON!
Luke and Kenobi emerge with the droids.
- LUKE: We'll have to rescue the princess.
- SOLO: No use if we can't get this ship out of here. Someone's got to disable the tractor beam.
R2-D2 scurries down, followed quickly by C-3PO.
- LUKE: I guess Artoo'll do that.
- GHOST OF KENOBI: No, Obi-Wan here has to do that!
- KENOBI: It's an alternate timeline anyway. I fear that your darned fool idealistic time travel's created a universe parallel to yours.
- GHOST OF KENOBI: But something else ... (suddenly realising) You must face Vader.
- LUKE: Come on, we've got to get to the detention area!
- GHOST OF KENOBI: Obi-Wan, how is it that these shipmates have machine blasters?
Scene 13: INT. CONTROL ROOM
R2-D2 reaches the control room. He realises that the controls are all on the ceiling for some reason.
- C-3PO: We're doomed.
- R2-D2 (in droidspeak): Like I said, don't say that.
R2-D2 suddenly uses booster rockets, something nobody had any idea this droid was capable of using. R2 gets up to the ceiling and turns off the tractor beam, landing perfectly on the floor afterwards.
- C-3PO: What? When did you learn to do that?! I thought you said your booster rockets were all worn out!
- R2-D2 (in droidspeak): There's this motor oil I looked into. It's called Retcon.
Stormtroopers suddenly storm the droids.
- R2-D2 (smugly): Ex-ter-mi-nate.
For whatever reason, a death ray shoots out of R2's eye, and kills all the stormtroopers.
- C-3PO: R2-D2, this has most certainly gone too far.
Scene 14: INT. DETENTION AREA
Luke and Kenobi jump around the detention area, somersaulting, jumping, spinning around, twirling their lightsabers, and occasionally stopping to catch their breaths and actually kill an Imperial officer or two. Some die of utter shock as the Ghost of Kenobi passes right through them. Finally, they reach the princess's cell.
- LEIA: You're a little short for a AAH! GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!
- LUKE: Relax! I'm Luke Skywalker. I'm here to rescue you.
- LEIA: Oh yes, I wouldn't have known.
- KENOBI: Obi-Wan Kenobi at your service.
- GHOST OF KENOBI: And his future ghost.
- LEIA: Ben Kenobi? Where's the R2 unit?
- LUKE: Why? What's important about that R2 unit?
- LEIA: Didn't you listen to the message? That R2 unit is the only thing that can destroy this battle station!
- LUKE: Oh.
Suddenly an alarm goes off. Stormtroopers' footsteps can be heard. Ominous music begins.
- LUKE: I have a bad feeling about this!
- LEIA: You just had to say that, didn't you?
Luke, Leia and Kenobi all rush towards exit 1, and find stormtroopers marching down that way. They all rush towards exit 2, and the same happens. Repeat for exits 3, 4, 5, 6, ..., 41, 42. Our three heroes are trapped. The ghost simply passes right through a wall.
But suddenly, from above, Solo and Chewbacca start mowing down the stormtroopers near exit 23.
- GHOST OF KENOBI: Well, that's sort of anticlimactic.
- SOLO: Come on, let's move!
Luke, Leia and Kenobi all start running. They defeat a series of obstacles, including trapdoors, a hangar full of stormtroopers, and—very, very briefly—a garbage compactor, which slams shut just after our heroes get past it. They meet Solo and Chewbacca just outside, when C-3PO and R2-D2 come up to them.
- C-3PO: Sir, R2-D2 has asked me to tell you that we are running rapidly out of time.
- SOLO: What are you talking about?
- C-3PO: He says the Death Star is turning into a black hole that will most certainly kill us if we do not escape. We have one minute.
- SOLO: This is outrageous.
- KENOBI: Regardless, we must escape.
Scene 15: INT. DEATH STAR CORRIDOR
Everyone starts running very, very fast. They all stop very quickly when they see the commanding presence of DARTH VADER, holding a very menacing lightsaber and blocking their way. There are also a thousand stormtroopers behind him.
- VADER: So, Obi-Wan. We meet again at last. Actually, we meet again for the second time, since I have time-travelled backwards to be here.
- KENOBI: You can't win, Darth.
- VADER: My. Name. Is. Not. Darth!
After Kenobi ensures there is not in fact a bottomless pit of death behind him, there ensues a rapid exchange of lightsaber blows. Solo also starts to mow down the stormtroopers. Suddenly the two lightsabers collide and press against each other.
- VADER: I suppose we have to exchange snide remarks while we're stuck in this brief stalemate.
- KENOBI: Really?
The lightsaber fight continues. Luke starts to slice through the stormtroopers.
- VADER: Just try making a snide remark, Obi-Wan. Just try.
- KENOBI: Not yet.
Now R2-D2 suddenly activates a trapdoor that kills all the stormtroopers. Vader and Kenobi suddenly stop their fight and look at each other.
- KENOBI: You see, Darth? You are now utterly defencele—
A painfully slow-motion sequence starts as Vader swings his lightsaber at Kenobi. Still in slow motion, Luke shouts "NO!" as Kenobi takes the hit, and falls down. Suddenly, in an obviously faked CGI effect, Kenobi disappears.
- VADER: What!?
- GHOST OF KENOBI: Oh dear, that'll make things confusing.
- GHOST OF KENOBI 2: It is because you travelled back in time, you know.
Our remaining heroes start running again, taking advantage of this opportunity.
Suddenly everyone stops.
- SOLO: We're lost. We'll never find the ship on time.
- R2-D2 (in droidspeak): As if it weren't way past a minute yet.
- GHOST OF KENOBI: Use the Force, Luke!
- LUKE: What?!
- GHOST OF KENOBI 2: That's right! Stretch out with your feelings.
Luke's expression changes to an emotionless expression.
- LUKE (monotone voice): Turn. Right. At the next intersection.
- SOLO: This is outrageous.
- LEIA: Do as he says!
Fast-paced music with increasingly dramatic brass chords start up as our heroes start running again.
Scene 16: INT. DEATH STAR HANGAR
Sure enough, everyone arrives at the Millennium Falcon.
- SOLO: ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE GET IN! WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!
- C-3PO: We made it! By negative 4 minutes!
Scene 17: SPACE
Just as the Falcon glides out of view, the Death Star implodes into a black hole and starts sucking in the Falcon.
Scene 18: INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON
- SOLO: Great, a last-minute negligible denouement plot twist. Chewie, lock in the auxiliary power!
- C-3PO: We're definitely doomed this time!
- R2-D2 (in droidspeak): Seriously, 3PO, stop saying that, or I'm deploying a very large axe.
- GHOST OF KENOBI: Use the Force, Luke!
Luke begins to concentrate on the black hole. Almost magically, the black hole starts moving away, and the Falcon is once again running normally. We can see the black hole harmlessly regress into the distance and destroy the distant Earth-like planet of Alderaan.
Scene 19: INT. REBEL ALLIANCE MEETING
It is an awards ceremony. Luke, Solo and Chewbacca step up to Leia. Luke and Solo are awarded medals. Chewbacca waits for his, and when he is not given one he immediately mauls Leia. The film freezes at that frame, and fades out.
FIN
- ↑ The addition of lens flare to most scenes would not be well received.
- ↑ The greatest mistake made by the production team was not re-hiring John Williams for the musical score.
- ↑ Who shot first has only become a greater controversy in the Star Wars community.
