Mos Eisley

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Mos Eisley is a town on the planet Tatooine. It is the second-most populous Tatooinian town – behind Mos Espa, the third-largest town, second only to Mos Ersba and Mos Merguez, all four together occupying about 7720 square miles – and the most wretched hive of scum and villainy in the Outer Rim. It is bordered by the Tatooine desert to the east, by the Tatooine desert to the north, by the Tatooine desert (and big canyon) to the south, and by the power of fluffy boys with juice to the west.

Etymology

The town's name is derived from the ancient Hutt words mos (wretched hive, trash heap, decadent city) and eisley (of scum and villainy, crime-ridden), thus creating "Mos Eisley" (crime-ridden decadent city), as a way for Hutt settlers to show off their decadence – for that is a valued trait among Hutts and a decadent ruler would run a decadent city. Of course, as evidenced by all Tatooinian cities having the prefix mos and being ruled by Hutts, they aren't the only ones to begin their tradition. This is evidenced in similar names such as "Mos Espa" (trash heap from the butt) (named after feces because grossness is also valued among Hutts), "Mos Ersba" (wretched hive of lesbianism, named so because Hutts wanted to keep female sex slaves when they transition from male to female), and "Grand Mos Tarkin" (highly decadent city of the district). Mos itself comes from the German ein Maus (a decadent community), which is a loanword from the old German der Maras (decadence) which comed from Proto-German "Mary Sue" (a decadently written character); and Eisley is the adjectival form of the Proto-Hutt word yay sleaz (worthless criminal, scum).

History

Foundation

Mos Eisley began its days as a humble settlement for Corellian tryhards who wanted to show off their peers that they are indeed capable of surviving for forty days in the hostile desertic environment of Tatooine. The colony was first founded by Sir Johnilkins of Xenomorph Prime so he could give these tryhards, who reached the end of their challenge yet whose ship was too destroyed for them to return, a place to call home. Most of the tryhards worked as moisture farmers, meaning they harvested, cultivated, lived off, and sold moisture, a water vapor-like plant capable of producing its own water. It was eventually populated by farmers who also wanted to harvest moisture, because Tatooine was somehow the only planet with moisture. Its original name was "ԀΩΠ ԀγεԌΩ" (xenomorphic Greek for Nice Moisture Land) until it was invaded and conquered by Abba the Hutt, a crime lord who took advantage of the fact that nobody cared about the inconspicuous farms enough for the authorities to spot him there.

Populate or DIE

In Stardate 4130 BBY the people of ԀΩΠ ԀγεԌΩ under Mayour David VIII, due to lack of people leaving them weak against the incredibly hot binary suns, the murderous and highly bloodthirsty Krayt dragon, Tusken raiders, Sarlacc, and the ravenous tank-using merchant Jawas who always tried to sell them old droids nobody wants, ran a campaign in Coruscant named "Populate or DIE", basically telling people to go populate Mos Eisley if they don't want the city, their prime source of moisture, moisture being a very valuable plant known for its ability to turn wastelands into lush scapes so colonists could have something to live off, to DIE out. The advertising sign-screens were made by Sir Nite "Tenna" Roren, of the planet Changrila, First prime president#1 number one-in-chief of screen company Roren's Screens, and presented everywhere. The campaign was also advertised on the internet and in the Senate, as in wardens of overcrowded jails begging the Senate (not yet Emperor Palpatine) to allow them to transfer every prisoner to Tatooine, only to get rejected because the Senate doesn't want to make Tatooine a penal colony, mostly due to each senator's dislike of sexual innuendo and possibly digestive/punctuative innuendo. Taxidermist Joe Kyspetlik offered those who accepted the campaign a ride on his own special taxi-like Travel Airships, so they could travel to ԀΩΠ ԀγεԌΩ and thus ensure Joe gets payed 42 Credits by David VIII. In Stardate 4117 BBY their end goal of 413 people was reached, though only because the people were promised by the mayour that they'll always have each other's backs, and mostly because Coruscant has a high unemployed population for whom ԀΩΠ ԀγεԌΩ would be a place who would accept work from them.

The city organises

By Stardate 4037 the people have formed themselves a hierarchy, a time marked by the formation of various groups to regulate the various institutions. The Special ԀΩΠ ԀγεԌΩ Police Corps (ԀԀPC) was formed to serve as a police force, the Toydarian Merchant Banking Guild has formed to regulate commerce, the Mazakuzetsian Institute of educaTion (MIT) was formed as the primary scholar institution in ԀΩΠ ԀγεԌΩ, the ԀΩΠ ԀγεԌΩ Hunting Guild (ԀԀHG) regulated hunting of Krayt Dragons (specifically as they scared the very dangerous Tusken Raiders), the Spaceport Staff (SS; despite the implications, nothing to do with Stormtrooper Squadrons)regulated flights who use ԀΩΠ ԀγεԌΩ's spaceport, as as should be expected for its employees, and the Slavery Center Under No reTard Hey Our RePulsive acronym aliEnates (SCUNTHORPE) regulates slave trade and ownership and makes sure slave owners won't kill or free their slaves.

Conquest by Abba the Hutt

As discussed in the beginning of this article, ԀΩΠ ԀγεԌΩ became the wretched hive of scum and villainy it is known for being when Abba the Hutt sought refuge from the Space Police on this city. Last Mayor George VI Bush let Abba lead his Space Mafia from a secret building in the city, and Abba soon gained enough influence for Crime Law to be in effect on the city.

Don't know what's Crime Law? Well ... Crime law is a law decided on in Stardate 1984 BBY by about eleven Hutt Crime Lords. Its rules may vary from crime lord to crime lord, but the original Hutt Creed lists eleven acts:

Act 1 Thou shalt not serveth any lordeth except thine Crime Lordeth. If thou wisheth to changeth Crime Lordeth, thou canst do it, just with the current Crime Lordeth's knowledge and approvaleth, and after having serveth thine Crime Lordeth for about ten missioneth (to prevent people for changing crime lords too fast).

Act 2 Thou shalt not refuseth any missioneth from thine Crime Lord.

Act 3 Thou shalt stealeth.

Act 4 Thou shalt not pledgeth thineselfeth to a Crime Lord if thou hast family memberseth who worketh for ye police. (We really mean that; every crime lord agrees that this rule should be in effect for them.)

Act 5 Thou shalt not messeth with childreneth, that includeseth killingeth them, committing crimeseth in fronteth of them, takingeth them to thine base to be recruitedeth yend indoctrinatedeth, and stealingeth their candy.

Act 6 Thou shalt not killeth a Porg if thou wearest anything greeneth. (psst ... Most criminologists have proposed that the reason behind this is that his fellow porgs, who think any green porg-killing beast is a porg-eating dragon, might think you're a porg-eating dragon and kill you.)

Act 7 Thou shalt tolerateth thine Crime Lordeth's interpretation of Crime Law; we Hutts arteth not omnisciente Gods, but they art aboveth all ye criminals. The exception is if it breaketh ye spirite of Crime Law.

Act 8 Thou shalt lieth to coppeth.

Act 9 Thou shalt not killeth unless it iseth useful to thine Missioneth.

Act 10 Thou shalt not worshippeth thine Crime Lordeth. Remembereth, rules writteneth in faketh Earlie Moderne Englishe areth not to be confused with ye Ten Commandments.

Act 11 Thou shalt NOT GET CAUGHT!

Floda Reltih initially opposed the imposing of this law across ԀΩΠ ԀγεԌΩ, thus contributing to the formation of the Nocrime Party. However, Last Mayor George VI Bush executed Floda Reltih under pressure from Abba the Hutt and his strange slug-like son Baba Desjilic Abbovich the Hutt, contributing the Nocrime Party's dissolution. Eventually George was impeached by the people of the city for being technically a puppet king, and it helps that he's half-Groot as well, meaning he's actually made of wood, thus leading Abba and Baba to become rulers of the city in his stead. They changed the city name from its old name of ԀΩΠ ԀγεԌΩ to "Mos Eisley"(see above)