Don Diego
 | This article needs to be grown
|
Don Diego de la Vega was a Spanish nobleman, playboy, playwright, and playbian. He is known for NOT being Zorro, the Dark Knight, whose name strikes fear in the hearts of all criminals, such as Zorro's Arch-enemy, the Jester.
Biography[edit | edit source]
Early life[edit | edit source]
Don Diego was born in 1548 to Don Thomas and Doña Martha de la Vega, rulers of a thriving baked goods empire, members of the affluent de la Vega family, descendants of the ancient Saiyan-Greek citizen Vegeta, who got OVER NINE THOUSAND awards at wrestling in Greece. He got a rich education in, i dunno, some Noble stuff such as etiquette, history, elitism, horse-riding, billiards, smoking, slavery, and stuff like that, all delivered to him at Junior St. Corona University for the less-than-10-years-old.
Until, one day, his parents were killed when going to the theater to see the Spanish translation of the Shakespearian play "A Midsummer Night's Dream". The incident kept Diego scarred for life, and it didn't even motivate him into becoming Zorro, who he is not.
Education[edit | edit source]
After that, Diego's butler Alfred Molina became his parent figure, and kept him educating in noble stuff, and also how to avoid trouble. He also had the help of his aunt Doña Barbara, who often helped keep in check his whiny tantrums and broodings about how he's going to become a dark, mysterious superhero and avenge his parents(dream that was NEVER fulfilled). Diego later went to St. Bees Cõllègato study more noble stuff, such as Latin, Greek, literature, and even How To Catch Criminals by Johñ Rivera. He fondly described his school years in his personal diary, even when he got into fights with the elitist bullies. His school was destroyed by a bunch of terrorists, but he survived, along with most students, who eventually got transfered to Hàrverà Uñiversidad. Don Diego, however, did not want to learn school there, so he managed to get Alfred Molina to bribe the teachers into allowing him into Masàcùsetio Iñstitudad of Teknologia. His diary was also salvaged, and eventually some dark, brooding teenager found the diary and adapted it into a bad Harry Potter fanfiction.
At some point in his late teens, when he was going to his basement to get some beer(FOR THE TEACHERS, MIND YOU), he found a fox stealing his food. This is seemingly an explanation on why he does NOT theme himself after foxes, not even giving himself a name that literally means "guy who found a fox in his basement"(or, in Spanish, Zorro).
After that, Diego took some swordfighting classes, bought a black cape, black gloves, a pierced bandage, a hat, and "Being a Superhero For Dummies" by For Dummies. A few years after that, Zorro made himself known by stopping a theft, which is a total coincidence, and has nothing to do with Don Diego buying Zorro's clothing
First criminals[edit | edit source]
The Zorro did NOT start off fighting actors-turned-petty criminals such as "the Harlequin", "the Cat Woman", "the Sphinx", "The Thief", "Count Ice", and worst of all, "the Jester", and even if he did, that would NOT have ANY place in this article, which is about Don Diego, NOT Zorro. Anyways, Don Diego hit on his first girl, Barbara Barceloña, at the age of 34, which does NOT have anything to do with Barbara having recieved death threats from mob bosses, because he's NOT Zorro, even though Zorro came to stop "Big Patriño" Vito Gàngsterino's surprise assault on Barbara right after Don Diego went out to use the bathroom(and avoid that crisis, which is TOTALLY typical behavior for a rich guy) and stayed until the assassins left.
Powers and abilities[edit | edit source]
Due to NOT having been bitten by a radioactive space fox when he was 4 years old, Don Diego does NOT have various powers such as super-agility, enhanced strength, quick reflexes, high intelligence, laser eyes, laser hair, or teleporting himself to China whenever he says "Skadoosh". He, however, has various genuine superpowers, which don't come from magic aliens, but from many years of playing chess and snorting drugs from an unusual metal boat-like meteor. These powers include:
- Super jumping: Don Diego can jump up to 8 centimeters above ground.
- Super strength: Don Diego has demonstrated unusual strength for a man his age; he can lift a whole branch taken right off a 9 day-old tree!
- Super speed: Don Diego can run over 9 meters/hour, thanks to competing in various races.
- Super rich: Don Diego is an elite nobleman who has high authority over his money, and a few nine thousand and employees.
- Super chess: Don Diego is good at chess, having beaten his German cousin Herr Nöguta-Tchetz in a chess match.
- Super intelligence: Don Diego has demonstrated the capacity to solve cases faster than Sherlock Holmes ; they don't call him a "detective extraordinaire" for nothing. That doesn't mean that he is Zorro.
- Super seduction skills: Don Diego has hooked up with 420 women in one day.
- Super Saiyan: Sadly, has demonstrated a lack of this power, despite being a descendant of Vegeta.
