Running of the Bulls
The Running of the Bulls is a popular if relatively ineffective means of thinning out the gene pool of complete asstards. Recent statistics; however, show that bungee jumping is far more effective at performing this task.[1]
The event[edit | edit source]
Pamplona is marketed as having a "festival", with an exotic name (San Fermin), to attract the appropriate participants. Ostensibly it commemorates some Spanish Saint who did his part by getting himself martyred for Jesus, but this has become a lesser concern since the bulls took over.
The runners[edit | edit source]
Anyone who wants to may participate in the event. Prospective applicants simply need to pass a very lenient entry requirement that nobody needs to verify: these tests are to prove simply that the applicant possesses the mental ability to know that the threat of getting gored while running from a pack of angry bulls constitutes the thrill of a lifetime. In other words, you qualify simply by being dumb enough to want to qualify.
The running[edit | edit source]
Each year's collection of mouth-breathers is bunched together, invariably without incident or protest, in front of a gate, behind which impatiently wait a large group of massive angry bulls.
The runners ask San Fermin to protect them before the run begins. To this day, the blessed Saint Fermin has yet to tell a single one of them to simply not stand there when the bulls are let out, but to go somewhere else. Most of the runners survive the idiocy, which they identify as proof of Fermin's protection.[2]
When the participants are ready, the bulls are released to run through the crowd, charging, goring, hurling and otherwise attacking whichever of the well-deserving idiots they can get their horns on. Inexplicably, the participants squeal with delight at their impending doom. They also wear attractive red kerchiefs and whack the bulls on the head with rolled-up newspapers, because apparently, angry is just not angry enough for these wastes of otherwise perfectly good human flesh.
Opposition[edit | edit source]
Each year at San Fermin, a small group of moron-lovers gather to protest the event, claiming that it constitutes cruelty to morons. They believe that morons should not be left to perish at the hands of their own stupidity, but ought to be coddled and protected from themselves by legal interdiction. They also claim that the bulls themselves do not enjoy the opportunity they are given to help in the cause of moron eradication, but this is absurd – a clear case of faulty reasoning.[3]
Deaths and maimings[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately, only 15 of these knuckle-draggers have been put out of the world's misery since the event began in 1924. In excess of 200 severe maimings have failed to produce the desired final result, but not for the lack of trying on the part of the majestic beasts. Each year between 200 and 300 of the runners suffer minor injuries that fortunately fail to discourage them from trying to get killed the following year.
But let us not be discouraged by these low numbers. Though we would prefer a greater success rate, any event that does even as little as this to promote a higher average global intelligence ought not to be discounted. Viva San Fermin!
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ You expected a real reference, did you? Well here's the Daily Mail. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-135227/Man-dies-bungee-jump-accident.html Happy?
- ↑ A line of fallacious reasoning called Affirming the Consequent – see, you can learn something from Uncyclopedia.
- ↑ ← another example
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