User:Nadienator4000010/Charles of Habsburg, King of Spain, Holy Roman Emperor, Lord of the Netherlands, Duke of Burgundy, Conqueror of the Americas and King of your Heart
“The sun does not set in my domains”
“I speak in latin to god, italian to women, french to men, and german to my horse.”
His Holy Caesaric Catholic Royal Majesty Charles I of Spain for spaniards (even though Spain did not even exist, but are you an emperor to refute him?), alias Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire for germans, alias Charles II of Sicily for sicilians, alias Charles IV of Naples for nipples, alias Charles II of Burgundy for the burgers, alias Charles I of Austria for australians, alias Charles I of Sardinia for sardines, alias "The Caesar" for the police and "My Emperor" for the Pope; was, at first, a normal child born in Flanders, Belgium, until one day all his grandparents died and he suddenly became king of half the world (the other half belonged to the pope).
He inherited therefore the Catholic half of Europe (the other half was also Catholic, but not his) and a couple of islands that nobody cares in the Caribbean conquered by Elizabeth the Catholic, specifically conquered because of her physical attractiveness. By the time his reign ended, his kingdom(s) had expanded throughout South America, Central America, the Caribbean, the Mexican half of the United States and a couple of islands nobody cares about, but now in Asia. His rule, in addition to his well-disguised megalomania, was characterized by his fervent Catholicism, which led him to conquer Rome, supposedly to be closer to God. His faith also led him to fight violently in the boxing ring against Martin Luther, but as he was old (21 years) Luther won and paganism spread throughout Europe in the following years. His reign was also characterized by his policy of fighting with the first one he saw, whether english, french or kebab fans.
Another thing that marked his government was his prominent jawline, the funniest in the world according to Times magazine.
Biography
His miraculous birth and early life
Charles was born in the day of our lord 30th of the month of our lord february, in the year of our lord 1500, at a huge clandestine party in the house of Prince Ned of Flanders, when the Archduchess Doña Juana of Castile began to have contractions and, believing she had eaten too much Mexican food went to the bathroom, where she gave birth to Carlos with no help from anyone but her own efforts to... well, you know, vent herself.[1]
His early years were undoubtedly very turbulent in his close circle, although Charles didn't mind. When he was one year old his parents engaged him to Claude of France, although the marriage would never take place because of the age difference between Claude and Charles, as she was a year older. On the other hand, his education was in charge of the most reputable teachers of the Holy Empire, together with a harlequin/furry/humanist called Juan Cabeza de Vaca sent by Ferdinand the Catholic, being the best that Spain had at that time.
Thus he spent his most tender childhood, until when he was 6 years old his parents went to claim the kingdom of Castile because at last Elizabeth the Catholic had died, assuming jointly Philip and Joanna, until Philip died of natural causes from a strange disease that left strange knife-shaped bumps, so Ferdinand decided that everything (from hunger to the occupation of Hawaii) was Joanna's fault for not being Catholic, so he locked her in a tower and gave himself the titles of his daughter, plus the new title of king of the universe.
Of course, Charles couldn't care less about that since he had always been raised by his other grandparents, who gave him candy instead of hippie teachers. Thus, the child's guardianship remained with his grandfather Maximilian I of Austria, although he soon gave custody to his daughter Margarita, tired of having to take coins out of Charles' ear every time he saw him, which was bankrupting the state. He grew up with his aunt until he reached the age of 15, when he was made a major, assuming the throne of the Low Countries, although Charles delegated his powers because he preferred to take advantage of his adulthood by buying beer for his friends and driving late at night.
King of Spain
One fine day when he had nothing better to do, Ferdinand the Cathode decided to die. And, since he was very bored that day, he decided to name Charles as his successor on behalf of his mother, whose illness of agnosticism did not allow her to think. Thus, he left Charles the kingdoms of Castile (which Ferdinand had stolen taking advantage of the fact that no one was looking), Naples, Sardinia, Sicily and Navarre, leaving the next day Charles to reclaim them, that if he wasted time Ferdinand would surely revive and usurp them again.
He easily claimed the kingdoms of Navarre and Castile, but when the time came to claim Aragon, the Aragonese decided they did not want to give it to him and a problem of cosmic scales arose (actually only of national scales, but at least I got your attention). Luckily Charles knew how to solve those problems: declare that the courts were right about the illegality of his reign, but enter Aragon anyway. And that was the end of the problem. Still, there were many kingdoms in Spain that were now his, so it took him four years to go one by one and swear all his oaths and all his saints.
Internal conflicts (of Spain, not internal of Charles)
Contrary to what one might think, the Castilians did not like having a foreign king, inexperienced, ignorant of Castilian traditions and language, who also asked for millionaire loans and was extremely ugly, so they decided to rebel and create a narco-state in his place. As they rebelled by communities (since it was early modern times and they were still nomads) this was called the Rebellion of the Communities of Castile.
In addition, in Aragon they didn't want to be left behind and the guilds of bread sellers rebelled, with no other motivation than to create chaos and take advantage of that same chaos to rob the appliance stores. As guilds did not exist at the time (remember that we are in the early modern age and communism did not exist since people were more educated), it was called the Brotherhoods Rebellion, as they were really a group of drunken friends who only wanted to break things.
Both revolts lasted the two years that Charles was away, taking control over all the territory (except those parts where they did not take control) of both Castile and Aragon, until Charles realized he had left the stove on and returned to Spain in 1522, finding the whole mess. He then decided to sharpen his grip on the two rebellions by giving a general pardon to all the rebels. He invited the leaders of the rebellion to his own house, where he had previously sharpened something else, an axe, which he used to decapitate all the rebel leaders because that is what you do when you want to be friends with the people.
And after that there was a revolt in Navarre, where they found out too late that everyone was rebelling and they rebelled too late. Charles found out, laughed for a while, and reconquered Navarre in a single day.
Conquest of the Americas
Although he has the title of conqueror of the Americas, Charles was a good king, and as a good king, he did not move from his throne and delegated work. So he was not really the conqueror of the Americas, but obviously nobody said anything to him because he was the emperor and if they opposed his title of conqueror of the Americas he had them beheaded, or something like that. Even without him doing anything, as we have already made clear, his kingdom expanded throughout South America, Central America and the poor part of North America, thus:
- Hernán Cortés, conquered the Aztecs, who mistook him for a flying snake because of his reptilian face (he was related to Queen Elizabeth, probably).
- Francisco Pizzarro, defender of the pizza. He conquered the Inca Empire because they did not know pizza and as a good colonist he had to give them the knowledge of its preparation, by hook or by crook.
- A guy, he conquered the Tabasco Empire, the Mayans, other Guatemala Indians, and above all the territories of present-day Colombia, Venezuela and Ecuador, because Colombian Women.
- Juan Sebastián Elcano, made the first complete circumnavigation of the world financed by Charles, although to achieve it he had to kill Ferdinand Magellan who wanted to appropriate the achievement (although it was really Magellan's achievement). The event allowed the Spanish to declare their sovereignty over the entire world years later.
- Another guy discovered the Amazon River. And that's it.
Holy Roman Emperor
It was in 1520 that Charles received terrible news: his grandfather Maximilian I of Habsburg had died. That same day, he received excellent news: his grandfather Maximilian I of Habsburg had died. Charles was devastated, so he decided to ask for a huge loan from the Castilians to go to the Holy Empire and mourn his grandfather. Arrived in Germany, he decided that, since he could, he should run for the throne of the Holy Empire, to finish what his grandfather had started. He then faced Francis I of France in the boxing ring (the method of electing emperors) to keep his grandfather's legacy alive, beating Francis, whose nose was so prominent that it did not allow him to see Charles in the fight.. He was crowned king of the Romans and elected emperor three days later (those days he had been in a huge spree from which he awoke at third day when he was informed of the coronation). And so, Charles went from being a simple king to an emperor, with religious fanaticism included.
Wars against France
In spite of being wars between Charlie and France, they did not take place in Spanish, German or French territory, much less in New Zealand territory, but in Italy, where the fights were easier to fight because of the facilities provided by the authorities. After the election of Charles as emperor, Francis I of France had been left wanting the money, fame and fortune that the position gave, and as he didn't had enough brain to realize that he could make a coup d'état, he decided to invade Charles' Italy, just to play a little joke on him. Thus began the second phase of the Great Italian Wars, which had already had four previous editions, so it was already considered something that had to be done as a tradition between the King of Spain, France and Germany.
- Italian war of 1521-1526: Francis I invades Milan and the Milanesato, besides helping a little bit the already mentioned revolt of Navarre (but only a little bit). He advanced rapidly through northern Italy, until he realized that Charles' dominions were south of the peninsula, and when he finally reached his lands, a mustachioed man stopped them and imprisoned the king. Francis was obliged to sign a treaty in which he renounced his pretensions to Milanese women, renounced any further support of Navarre, and ceded to him Burgundy, Flanders, and a bathroom in each one of his palaces.
- Cognac League War (1526-1529): formed by a group of the most influential alcoholics in Europe (Francis I, Pope Clement VII, Henry VIII and a couple of anonymous alcoholics from Venice and Florence), the Cognac League was formed to protect itself from all the power that Charles had collected. They were no match for all the power Charles had collected, and in 1527 his troops arrived in Rome, who, realizing there was not a single bar (imagine how thirsty it must be to go from Spain to Rome on foot), sacked the city and arrested the pope. After that, the other states chickened out and in 1529, Francis I returned to renounce Flanders, Italy and Burgundy, while the pope crowned Charlie as Holy Roman Emperor, to avoid another sack and improve their relations (in the great sack of the city he had stolen three horses, a huge offense for the pontiff).
- Italian war of 1536-1538: After Franceso Sforza's death, Francis decided to re-unrenounce to Italy, and tried to invade Charles' Italy again. Charles laughed for a while and then responded invading all the south of France. Francis, after peeing on his pants, signed another treaty, where France re-re-renounced to invading Italy.
Wars against the Ottomans
Charles, even before becoming Holy Roman Emperor, had already been fighting for some time against the Ottomans and their hilarious mustaches, especially against the pirate Barbarossa (Pink Beard), whom he defeated after a fight with giant squids included, killing Charles and then fleeing in a cursed ship to the ends of the earth accompanied by Orlando Bloom.
Years later, when news reached him that Suleiman the Magnificent had arrived in Vienna and that he had already conquered a good part of his eastern territories, he marched to Vienna with his troops, even though he was already in Vienna. The siege of the city lasted a long time, but just when the imperial troops arrived and the battle was approaching, the Ottomans left because they got bored waiting for them, so the great battle between Suleiman and Charles took place between two Viennese bakers and an Ottoman who fell asleep (the bakers won).
Later Charles and the Ottomans would fight again, but in a sort of sequel to the story with Pinky, as the brother, Jereddin Pinkybeard took revenge on Charles and stole Tunisia from him. Later they fought in a sword duel and Charles miraculously won by being the protagonist, throwing the cursed Barbarossa's heart to the bottom of the sea.
And even after that, Charles was once again confronted by the Ottomans, now joined by the French and the tribe of fire, when they decided to re-re-re-re-unrenounce to Italy and invaded the peninsula again in 1542. Charles had had enough of always having to fight with France over a couple of cities that nobody cared about in Italy, so he made a quick move and not only drove them out of Italy for all eternity (albeit a rather short eternity of one year), but, joined by Henry VIII, occupied all of northern France and forced Francis I to re-re-re-re-re-renounce to Italy. He did nothing to the Ottomans out of sheer laziness.
Wars against protestantism
Various abdications, retreat and death
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After fighting with all of Europe, with all religions and with all those who mocked his jaw, Charles began to think about his life. Since he had become king of Spain he had been fighting with everyone (Castilians, Aragonese, Navarrese, American Indians) and when he took over as emperor he just kept on fighting, but now with a wider audience. Besides, he realized that all his partying friends (Martin Luther, Henry VIII, Francis I of France, Paul III and Erasmus of Rotterdam) who with him had marked the first half of the 16th century, were as dead as Cleopatra.
On top of that, his health was already being affected. So many names and titles had led him to develop multiple personality disorder, one for each noble title, in the purest Fragmented style, but more psychopathic. Another health problem he had in those days was hereditary: his famous jawline had grown extremely long and had developed a life of its own, so the emperor was forced to grow a very long beard, which gave him a hippie look. And if hippies were not well seen in the 60's, imagine in the 16th century. So Charles V was forced by the King of Spain Charles I to abdicate his titles in the Holy Roman Empire and give them to his brother, while the Holy Roman Emperor Charles V forced the King of Spain Charles I to abdicate the Spanish throne in favor of his son Philip II.
Thus, Charles renounced all his honors as king and emperor, retiring to live in a nursing home that he built himself to prove that he could do something other than ordering others. He was crushed to death by the roof of the nursing home he was still building on September 29, 1558.
Family
Ancestors
As has been repeated ad nauseam in the article, Charles was a lucky person when it came to choosing his grandparents (because we all know that babies choose their grandparents when they are not yet born and are in that factory in heaven), choosing the most powerful and above all, rich grandparents in Europe at the time: Elizabeth I of Castile, her husband Ferdinand II of Aragon "the one nobody cares about", Maximilian I of Habsburg, and Mary of Burgundy, from whom he inherited a lot of land and money, especially money. His parents do not really matter because Philip the Beautiful (his father, who by the way was ugly as sin) died as soon as he had the chance to get rid of his wife, Joanna the Mad, mother of Charles who also does not matter because his father locked her in a tower that could only be entered if she threw her exaggeratedly long hair, so she never took care of her offspring.
Marriage and descendants
Charles was the most sought-after bachelor in Europe at the time, something that by an amazing coincidence was directly related to his wealth. There were several suitors for his majesty's gracious hand, including the future queen of England and the future queen of France, but they were too ugly, even for him, so he chose one who was beautiful, Isabella of Portugal (his cousin by the way), but who never inherited a single kingdom, a waste of opportunity. Anyway, Charles wasted no time and sooner rather than later started having children like there was no tomorrow, the aforementioned children being:
- Philip II of Spain, who succeeded Charles in Spain. He was a full-fledged Habsburg, a fact recognizable in his very funny chin. Married to his second cousin, his other second cousin, his first cousin, his first cousin and his niece
- Mary, married to her second cousin Maximilian II of the Holy Roman Empire.
- Ferdinand, died in infancy, probably from the weight of his chin. Married with his first cousin, even dead.
- Joanna, married to her first cousin John Manuel.
- Juan.
He also had other children in his bachelor days, until he was driven to abstinence by his marriage.
- Elizabeth, daughter of his step-grandmother, thus predicting the Brazzers videos and proving that Charles fucked anyone, without age discrimination.
- Margaret, daughter of Joanna Mary van der Graaf Generator.
- Joanna, daughter of a friend of his mother.
- Another Juan.
See also
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