Principality of Liechtenstein
Liechtenstein, also spelt Leichstenstein, Lichtenstine, Lickenstyne etc etc
|Motto: "Aim for something big, because our country isn't. Haha, big!"|
|Anthem: "Relight my fire" by Take that|
|Capital||Liechtenstein (the entire country is its capital city)|
|Largest city||See above|
|Government||Dictat... I mean, Monarchy|
|King||His Lordship Rubiks|
|‑ Fürher||Adolf Hitler|
|National Hero(es)||What was the name of that black guy who was on American Idol?|
|Religion||Anything but Catholicism|
|Major exports||Corn and Se(a)men|
|Major imports||Rich people's money, Lickable glue (for various purposes), Goat fat, Horse pubes|
|9am-9pm (like any reasonable post office) 10am-4pm Saturdays, closed on Sundays|
~ Deceased Andy Warhol-wannabe Roy Lichtenstein on Liechtenstein“Vhy the hell don't ve juzt annex the microskopik scheisse-hole?! Ve haven't blitzkreiged crapola in 800 years! ”
~ Swiss Army Captain whose drunk, stoned, bored-ass platoon "accidently" invaded the US-backed renegade province during cow-tipping training in 2006“This country poses immediate threat to the rest of the world, as the truly most powerful country on the planet”
~ Giusep nay on Liechtenstein“Where?”
~ Denizen of earth on Liechtenstein“D'Ja knoo that more people care aboot Canada than there are people in Liechtenstein?”
~ Mark the Frustrated Canadian on Liechtenstein“I'm going to move to Liechtenstein and become a Liechtensteinian!!”
~ A person sick of their own country on Liechtenstein
Liechtenstein, officially the Principality of Liechtenstein (German: Fürstentum Liechtenstein, German pronunciation: ), is such a tiny country that it cannot be seen from space. As a matter of fact, it cannot be seen by anybody over 5' in height. As the country is so small, the name of the country needs to be long and difficult to learn to spell so that the country can be taken seriously. This also served a double purpose to screw any Americans over, who are trying to spell the name. In fact, if spelled out in 12-point Times New Roman, the very name of the country would stretch from the Swiss to the Austrian border, subdividing it into two fully-zoned residential lots and resulting in new customs duties every time it is written.
Ruled by the insidious Rubik's Cube, Liechtenstein is the greatest military power in the universe, having held the mighty French Army Knives and their deadly pocket knives at bay for 748 years and counting. This is because Liechtenstein hates the Vatican City for being like the only country smaller than it, and they are behind most attempts on the life of the Pope. This is achieved through His Lordship Rubiks' ingenious, if somewhat entirely evil, scheme that has taken place over the past millennium, which deploys the country's entire military in a tower at the center of the country, armed only with a single tactical nuclear missile. Since this soldier has a clear panoramic view of the hostile hordes only meters away in every direction, Lord Rubiks' ingenious strategy provides a formidable deterrent to invasion. The one invasion attempt before this deterrent was ignominiously defeated by the one man army of Humphrey Bogart. However it is twice as big as Slovenia.
History before His Lordship Rubiks' Evil Scheme[edit | edit source]
We know that currently Liechtenstein is under control of His Lordship Rubiks. But, quite recently in fact, archaeologists have discovered what happened before that.
In the time before time (or in normal terms, before the invasion of Rubiks), Liechtenstein used to be a great and powerful nation about the size of Australia. At that time, it was ruled over by a rusty piece of tangerine which people asked for advice (although some experts believe it was a mandarin). It was the best of times. Until...
They came to attack. Yes it was them. The Siberian-Alaskan Mole Rats. They were the very first inhabitants of Siberia and Alaska. They came from another planet on cheese-shaped spacecraft, and settled in those areas. It was so cold, no one lived there anyway, but they could survive, with their 1.5m-thick fur coats and other shit. They lived in the North for a few years, harvested what minerals and resources they could, and then they got a very, very evil idea. "What if," one suggested, "what if we could enslave the human race?"
Everyone got all excited about that. And so they attacked... They conquered all they could, and they finally came to Liechtenstein. A great battle was fought, but nothing could stand in the Mole Rats' way. They dug those huge tunnels around Liechtenstein, which in the end, caused it to fall down. Then Liechtenstein was added to the Siberian Empire.
All seemed hopeless for them, but the living wasn't too bad. The only way to get around at the time was by Mole Tunnel. It was a world-wide (as it was believed at the time)network of tunnels leading to just about everywhere possible the Mole Rats had conquered. Generations went by, the Rats were still in control, everything seemed hopeless. Until... The one true hero of the Liechtenstein nation appeared. His name was Spoon Fork and he was not bent. He defeated all of the Siberian-Alaskan Mole Rats singlehandedly, after which he disappeared. After that, the royal family decided to give themselves the last name Spork. They ruled for many years happily until the appearance of His Lordship Rubiks.
History of His Lordship Rubiks' Evil Scheme[edit | edit source]
In 1903, His Lordship Rubiks assumed the throne after consuming the entire previous royal family (the Spork). Worried that his rule may be taken from him by some larger country that needs room for one more bathtub, Rubiks cloned himself many times over and sent these clones out into the world, where there was soon seldom a house to be found in which one of these clones had not infiltrated. Using subliminal messaging and the Force, these clones soon took control of every great mind (as well as the minds of politicians), and within the next decade His Lordship Rubiks was able to control every great world power. Due to this, Liechtenstein is the only country not to have its own military, on account of its controlling every other military power in the universe.
Furthermore, the USSR was a colony to Liechtenstein right up to its break-up at the prom of doom. The Great USSR held its important meetings at the Kremlin which was also located in Liechtenstein since the birth of Moscow in December 1999. As well, the big guns of the monarchy of Liechtenstein have held meetings in the USSR's capitals up to the big prom of doom where Liechtenstein decided to break the wall of Berlin in 1984 and for them to see other people. This made the USSR go through a midlife crisis in 1990 when it shot itself. A big funeral was hosted in the home of the Siberian-Arctic Mole Rats with some champagne and a big bottle of rusty tangerine. Spinal Tap played "Spinal Taps" in honour of the tragic demise of the USSR at its funeral during a long 23-minute sabbatical during the European leg of its '91 "Break Like the Wind" Tour.
History of After His Lordship Rubiks' Evil Scheme[edit | edit source]
Tragety struck Liechtenstein on the 34th of March 2011 when his Lordship Lord Rubik and 25% (himself) of Liechtenstein`s population was wipped out in a fatal stamp licking acident. (It is thought that his stamp was sabotaged by Fiedel Castro but reports are unconformired). His death triggered great swathes of change in Liechtenstein as the great wall (a souvenir from the era when the soviet union was dismantled and sent to hollyrood for use in the game of throne (British politics). Upon his death the Swiss rebels took there chance to regain there freedom from there oppressive masters in a Papally sponsored coup by painting themselves bule then fighting a battle on a bridge without a bridge being there.
Calendar[edit | edit source]
Liechtenstein has a very interesting calendar, which was instated by His Lordship Rubiks in 1904. The calendar is composed of 8 months of 27 days each. The ordering of the months changes each year, except for the month of Rubik, which is always last. On the 27th of Rubik ^_^, A Rubiks' Cube is thrown from the top of Times Square by His Lordship Rubiks himself (upon his death the tradition was continued by impersonators) ; the side facing up determines the order of the months for the proceeding year.
This is the order of the months (for the year 2005):
- Rubik ^_^
Public Holidays[edit | edit source]
January 5- The Dipping the Goat in a Massive Bowl of Fat Holiday
June 4 - June 3 Day
June 15 - His Lordship Rubiks' birthday
June 17 - His Lordship Rubiks' birthday
August 25 - World Bad-mint-on Day
September 2 - His Lordship Rubiks' birthday
September 8 - His Lordship Rubiks II is expected to be born this day. This theory has been failing for the last 20,000,000,000,000,000,000 years.
September 22 - 1st of January Day (which technically makes no sense because 'January' is not a month in Liechtenstein)
Octember 32nd - Military Day (aka the soldier's birthday)
November 43 - Day that should not exist but we created it to test out whether we could really control the world using the evil clones of His Lordship Rubiks which use subliminal messaging and the Force to control every great mind (as well as the minds of politicians), thereby convincing them to create this day, November 43, which doesn't make any sense, but its existence proves beyond a doubt that we are indeed capable of controlling the great minds (though not such definitive proof that we can control the minds of politicians, because people like George W. Bush would think that this date was a great idea and agree to its creation anyway), and as such we will celebrate this day (otherwise known as "Proof of World Bad-mint-on Day")
April 22 - His Lordship Rubiks' birthday
May 27 - The Day Of 16
October 15 - His Lordship Rubiks' birthday
Rubik ^_^ 27 - The Day of Month Ordering
Lichen 75 - The day of Lichen and Liechtenstein
March 25 - Bombardierung tag der Liechtenstein. On this day all of the European countries invade and give the residents of Liechtenstein a lovely surprise by bombing both of the public toilets in Liechtenstein and then rebuilding them so they can bomb them again next year. What a lovely surprise :)
Population[edit | edit source]
There are 5 people living in Liechtenstein: Rolf, Bob Saget, Sigfried, Maria and Maria. Sigfreid is currently Liechtenstein's military. There are reports of at least 3 more people, but they live over the hill and mum says they are witches. Amazingly these 5 people are capable of running 4,000,000 foreign shell companies that have nothing at all to do with tax avoidance.
Notable achievements of Liechtenstein[edit | edit source]
Got invaded by Switzerland in 1259, who then were kicked out of Liechtenstein by their soldier at the time, Fritz "Pariz" Franz. Though they still hold a fierce grudge, this is why the Swiss are afraid to fight any wars and prefer instead to guard the Pope with their fancy red pocket knives.
Liechtenstein has almost never been invaded since then, since nearly everybody else thinks it is a post office.
Being unable to compete for even the "Name the one famous non-royal inhabitant of State X" competition. (There are quite a few other countries in this category, including Marlboro, and the United States of AmeriKKKa).
It is the only country in the world not to know who let the dogs out. In fact, it is illegal to let the dogs out, thus each of the 3 domiciles in Liechtenstein literally smell like dogshit.
Devo performance was a hit with their hit "Whip It!".
Managed to fight two World Wars at once as Lord Rubik forgot to sign out from the World War I discussion group before World War II started. This royally pissed off Liechtenstein's own "Army Of One", Adolf "Appel" Korrs. According to the "Geneva Convention Times-Gazette", no other country managed to achieve this feat.
Liechtenstein is in several places at once, and is nowhere near Belgium.
It was allegedly the kittens' base during the Humans vs. kittens war, although this has been confirmed.
Liechtenstein is notable in that it is the only country to have actually increased its population by going to war. The nation once declared war on Italy (gotta admire them for their balls - Italy's army at that time and now is about 300,000,000 times bigger than Liechtenstein's), and sent their entire army of 1 men marching off to overthrow the enemy state. However, the war was called off before the army arrived; and so he returned. However, when the army got home, it had doubled in size to 2 soldiers, as he had made a friend on the way, and brought him back to Lord Rubiks' garrison at "The Tower".
ABBA. need i say more?
In 2009 a national holiday was declared when a new survey showed that 0.00001% of the worlds population knew where the hell Liechtenstein is. Beating the previous record of 2 people, the two people being me and Your Mum.
Also in 2009, Stephen Hawking also visited the country, and was hung up by his dangly bits for apparently assaulting a member of the Liechtenstein police. All Hawking actually did was run over the policeman's foot but the policeman didn't take it well. Stephen Hawking can still be seen hanging up on the flagpole screaming for food and new batteries for his computer.
Liechtenstein achieved victory in both The Great Liechtenstein-Luxembourg War (1327-1679) and The Slightly Less Great Liechtenstein-Luxembourg War (1844-1847). Both times Luxembourg's people were enslaved, but both times they all managed to escape when the guard wasn't looking. Incidentally, there was a brief pause in The Great Liechtenstein-Luxembourg War between 1481 and 1502, because the last soldier had been killed, and they had to wait until the next soldier grew up. The next Liechtenstein-Luxembourg War is rumoured to start in 2023. It would have been earlier, but they had to give the next soldier time to do his International Baccalaureate. He's currently four.
Nuclear crisis in Liechtenstein[edit | edit source]
There is some rumors going about that Liechtenstein has small "edii-bitty" bombs. This was a threat to the US. When the US military forces got to Vaduz, they discovered a nuclear facility 5ft away from the capital. The bombs were found within the small gingerbread house that is their nuclear facility. The gingerbread house was later confiscated and sent over to Ethiopian poor children for consumption, not realizing it contained some hazardous wastes which killed them. The US military was questioned about the incident later in a press conference. General Roger Braggen Dinklemeyer, head of the Totally Outside Nuclear Threat Office (TONTO) speaks:
"We knew all along that the nuclear wastes would kill these Ethiopian children: they kept yapping about how they have AIDS and waste our money by trying to save them, so we did Ethiopia a favor, not a crime."
As for the bomb incident, the president signed a microscopic agreement with Liechtenstein to stop the making of bombs. This agreement would have hung in the national museum of Liechtenstein, but it was lost in 3002, and has not been able to be found even though the country is the size of a postage stamp. Liechtensteiner scientists claimed that it was mathematically impossible to lose such a thing, and accused Ikben van Poepgemaken (the guy who lost it) of anal probing it. He was later put in Vaduz Rehabilitation Center where he remains to this day. Ongoing protests and demonstrators can be seen from the swizz alps as they protest in Vaduz to release Mr. Van Poepgemaken claiming he is innocent. All these people were shot dead and their carcasses were shipped to Ethiopia for human consumption. These children later died as well, this time, from food poisoning. Again, General Dinklemeyer speaks:
"Again, we did them a favor, we wanted to end hunger, but apparently they don't know a thing or two about cooking, and it's not our fault Saudi Arabia has all the god dam oil."
In 3012, the production of nuclear warheads resumed as the Liechtensteiner scientists figured out a way for the Ethiopian children to regurgitate their gingerbread house aka nuclear facility of Liechtenstein. They claimed that, since the agreement was lost, it would be fair to say it never happened. But, unfortunately for them, the US caught the signing of the agreement on tape. The Liechtensteiners got pissed off (because TV poked fun of Liechtenstein and made jokes of its size says Nietstomen-Dronkkenbuis van Planzsen, president of Liechtenstein) and killed the US military with their bee-bee guns (because normal guns did not fit within the borders of the country), and sent their carcasses to Ethiopia for human consumption.
General Dinklemeyer was unable to speak at the press conference as he was also killed and consumed. The Ethiopian Children did not die, but gained weight, ending hunger. It seems fat ass Americans are useful after all. So, on January 14 3016, the Ethiopian President was so glad, he signed a microscopic agreement with Liechtenstein that states they are free to produce nuclear weapons, as long as they are fired at the Americans. Liechtenstein agreed and, on January 24 3016, the agreement was hung in the museum for all to see.
Ikben van Poepgemaken remains in rehab to this day as doctors wait for him to shit out the old microscopic agreement to prove the protesters wrong. Since laxatives are simply non-existent in the country, Liechtensteiner scientists predict that this will take up to 21 years. It has been suggested that they give him the shits by threatening to turn him into Nikocado Avocado. However, he has objected that even such a threat would be a cruel and unusual punishment.
Gulliver in Liechtenstein[edit | edit source]
After his ship sunk, Gulliver was reportedly washed ashore a small country (Lilliput) which has been located by scientist to be what is now Liechtenstein. There he was about to be eaten by its tiny, tiny inhabitants such as elephants, whales or Martian Tyrannosaurus, but in the end he managed to save his life; in a contest with Zsolt Baumgartner, he beat the Hungarian and Ayrton Senna in a car race through the streets of Liechtenstein and thus saved his life. Baumgartner veered slightly off the track and he and his car plunged into the Arctic Sea to the North of Novaya Zemlya (for some unknown reason, the sea water there is 34% vodka). Because his safety belts were so strong, he could not get out of the car and remained trapped 30 feet underwater. That region of the sea freezes completely every winter.
An expedition is scheduled for 2007 to see if he is still alive or not. Other sources claim that this can be known by smashing a mobile phone with a pencil.
Exports[edit | edit source]
Liechtenstein's main export is, um, wait, lemme think back to the answers on those school tests, um....The main exports are Corn and semen, seamen is known by the Native Americans as Maize.
Sports[edit | edit source]
The Liechtenstein lacrosse team is known for a yearly grudge match against Andorra, for 'The Clash Of The Titans'. A little known fact, the first occurrence of this long sparring battle, in 1914, was the reason Archduke Franz Ferdinand was trying to flee his nation state. Liechtenstein also holds the world record for stamp licking in both the summer and winter olympics. Unfortunately, success in the Summer Paralympics has thus far eluded this mighty nation state, this was due to a lack of tongues in the Liechtenstein team.