Kuwait
“Holy Shit Fuck! Oil is cheaper than used condoms in Kuwait!”
“I'm going to have Kuwait roasted!”
“If I see a beautiful woman, I f*ck, if I see a handsome man, I f*ck twice, if I see a nice camel, I f*ck all night!”
“I hate Kuwait! especialy Kuwaiti people who rapes me!”
الأمم البستونى من أمريكا | |||||
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| Motto: God Bless Baba Bush | |||||
| Anthem: "Star-Spangled Dishdasha" | |||||
 | |||||
| Capital | Possibly Mumbai or Cairo.. or Mars | ||||
| Largest city | US Base (Population: 5 Million American Troops.. w/Guns and Beer) | ||||
| Official language(s) | Muslimist, Capitalist(American accent) | ||||
| Government | The "If-You're-not-Kuwaiti-or-Western=GoFuckYourself" Government | ||||
| Hope 'n' Change | |||||
| National Hero(es) | "Kular, Communism" | ||||
| Currency | Oil, the reason Americans give a shit | ||||
| Population | 1,000 Kuwaitis, 1 million inbred Kuwaitis, 5 billion Egyptians, 7 billion Indians, Another billion inbred Indians, 100,000 others
American Troops w/Guns and Beer:  | ||||
During the 1920's, King Geoffery of Cornwall sent a group of explorers to map the Great Arabia. These men found what is now known as Kuwait (Pronounced "Q-ATE, Or "Quaverzz" unless you're American, then it's KWAIT)
History[edit | edit source]
In 1956, the British and Bolivian governments agreed to split Kuwait and take half each. The Bolivians took the southern half which is now known as Saudi Arabia. The British got what we now know as Kuwait. In 1961, there was an uprising by the local tribesmen. This became known as the 1-Day War and the British lost control of the country.
Recently, Kuwaiti Minister for Paper clip Management started a movement calling for Kuwait to be given independence from the rest of the World. Backed by such political heavyweights as Gary Glitter, Rick Astley and Rik Waller, he is expected to be successful. As one commentator recently noted, "Kuwait is like another planet anyway".
Kuwait shares its border with 9 countries, including a small island that is known for exporting yellow plastic. In 1976, Kuwait signed a treaty with 3 countries called The Treaty of Good Thinking, which promoted cultural and sexual ties between the 4 countries.
By 1995, Kuwait formed 11 ministries to establish an e-government as part of a strategy to enforce structure and organization within the country. The following Ministries were formed in the first phase:
The Ministry of Pavements, The Ministry of Children and Slaves, er, I mean Servants, The Ministry of Vegetables and Meat, The Ministry of Expats, The Ministry of American Relations, The Ministry of Personal Affairs, The Ministry of Public Purchases, The Ministry of Oil and Oil Extraction, The Ministry of Money and Financial Affairs, The Ministry of Cupcakes, The Ministry of Grilling, and The Ministry of Departments.
OIL.. I'VE FOUND BLOODY OIL![edit | edit source]
These were the words spoken as Shakira Shakira (The Prime Minister of Kuwait at the time) announced to parliament the discovery of oil under Kuwait. It was 1954 and the recent discovery was to change life for all Kuwaitis...
Kuwait is now estimated to be floating on approximately 97% of the worlds extra virgin olive oil. This is sold throughout the world to consumers for approximately US$980 a barrel.
I'm RICH, bitch!"[edit | edit source]
Kuwaitis are said to boast the highest annual average personal income in the world. This is partly due to large oil revenues being 'equally' divided amongst citizens. This division of wealth is achieved using an extremely complex series of calculations known as the "One for you, ten for me" method.
The other main source of income for Kuwaiti citizens comes from the sale of subcutaneous fat. This is extracted using a technique called liposuction and then sold to McDonalds.
: Q "Does my butt look big in this?"
: A "Yes... and not just in that."
As a result of their wealth, Kuwaiti women are known to buy an average of 9,850 new outfits per month. Favourite 'designers' include Diior, Guccie, Armeni and Preda. All of these 'genuine' items are available from local boutiques for the price of a Pepsi.
Men are less interested in fashion and only go shopping once a year, to buy a Chelsea/Manchester United/Manchester City/Barcelona/Real Madrid/Juventus/AC Milan/Inter Milan football shirt. These fashions generally cycle every few years, depending on which team is doing well. However, there is a fine line between fashionable and downright stupid-looking. Being Kuwaiti and wearing a Kuwait football shirt will result in hysterical laughter in the streets.
People[edit | edit source]
Kuwait has a wide variety of nationalities living as expatriates. They are all paid well, but some live a better life than others. Jewish Americans struggle to make ends meet in Kuwait because Reese's Peanut Butter Cup's are extremely expensive. Indians do somewhat better as expatriates because they are able to adapt to the local cuisine. It is not unusual for an Indian family to exist entirely on local specialities such as the unusual Big Mac burger or the Kuwaiti national dish - the Quarter-Pounder with cheese. French expatriates are the most financially secure expatriates as they don't tend to eat. Instead, they survive entirely through strong coffee. This is given out free-of-charge by a local charity called Starbucks who have charity offices every half-mile. Kuwaiti citizens do not need to worry about financial security. This is because they are all given free Nissan Maximas and lifetime passes for Kentucky Fried Chicken by the Minister for Kuwaiti Culture - Sheikh Shakin' Stevens They are also allocated a lifetime supply of Malboro Light cigarettes as soon as they reach the age of 12.
Economy[edit | edit source]
The economy of Kuwait is largely based upon exports of olive oil to the New York School of Illiterate Politicians. There are however, some manufacturing company successes in Kuwait. The most famous of these is the "Kuwait Sand Company" who supply sand to the building industry in Europe.
However, recently, a group of young and aspiring Kuwaitis formed a group in an effort to promote and develop the private business sector in Kuwait. They monopolized the cupcake, juices and make-up industry by employing the entire population of India to aid them in creating a Kuwaiti run monopoly.
One of Kuwait's principal places of higher education is BREEZE university who's slogan is "Life's a BREEZE when you study as you please." Universities such as BREEZE give student's the opportunity to acquire English. This is rather like a disease of sorts that settles in your brain and eats away like a parasite causing the speaker to utter such phrases as "I must go bray in the barking lot" and "at what time is the barty?", "I have new Mercedes and private abartment - you must come for sex for me for tonight."
One of Kuwait's other big exports is 'wasta.' Wasta is similar to rasta - a modification on hair designs like corn rows or mohawks. It involves going to a saloon and getting a hair style from the 1980's. Apparently this is in homage to remembering the period before the invasion.
Since the oil isn't going to last forever Kuwait has considered the field of tourism. This is somewhat limited as people are often put off by the fearsome Ministry of Interror staff who are all wired into a leviathan of a communication network called a mobile phone hands free kit.
Although famous for its oil, Kuwait is also full of shit. In fact, Kuwait is so full of shit that, not surprisingly, the Kuwait government (also full of shit) has ambitious plans to export this abundant resource as a supplement to their dwindling oil reserves.
Medical School[edit | edit source]
The medical school in Kuwait is very modern and usually staffed by ivy-league American Professors who came seeking a better salary, more perks and Filipino slaves, err, I mean maids. The course is taught in English and the books used are the same ones used in the Western world. However, since Kuwait is an Islamic nation the ethical duties of a doctor are subverted. No longer does the Hypocratic oath matter but Islamic Sharia is dominant. For example, a Popular clinical exam station is to take a history from a patient with symptoms of an STD. The management plan instead of medication usually involves mutilation of their genital organs. And if this STD was contracted by adultery or infidelity then the management plan is death by toppling a building over said offender. Another example would be a station with an acute presentation of wrist laceration following a deliberate self harm attempt. Owing to the Islamic culture of society, and the Kuwaiti constitution -after the amendments proposed by the salafi MP "Al-Mazyoon"-, suicide is considered illegal. Therefore, The management would be restraining the patient in a room at the top of a tower, and drive a plane into his sorry-ass, under local anesthetic. Thank You and Good day.
Climate[edit | edit source]
Kuwait has an inhabitable climate for snakes, with excessively hot during the winter months, with temperatures reaching 70 degrees Celsius. However, this drops to minus 20 during the last two weeks of July each year. Little is known about this dramatic drop in temperature, but it is now believed by some to be a result of Global Cooling.
Things to do[edit | edit source]
Main activities that take place in Kuwait are: Wandering aimlessly about in malls, driving aimlessly around on Gulf Road, sitting aimlessly in Starbucks for 3 hours watching everyone watching you, racially abusing Asian labourers, licking car windows, watching camels humping, watching sheep humping, watching rabbits humping etc.
Another favourite activity amongst young Kuwaiti men and women is a game called 'Death Chase'. This is similar in nature to the western game of 'Kiss Chase' which is played by 7-year olds. However, the Kuwaiti version involves attempting to get some vague sense of acknowledgement from girls in cars, whilst weaving through traffic and hopefully causing a fatal accident. The girls must then pretend to be shy, then crash their car into a palm tree at high speed. The young men can then drive home, sexually frustrated - and pray to Allah - for better luck next time.
Another favourite pastime in Kuwait is football, or soccer as it is known in the USA. Although it is a small country, Kuwait has a great love of all things football-related. There is a thriving industry that generates millions of Dinars every year during a 7-day period known as "Glory Hunter Week". During this time, cars across the country are subtly stripped of last season's Chelsea/Manchester United/Manchester City/Barcelona/Real Madrid/Juventus/AC Milan/Inter Milan stickers if they did not win the league. Once clear of any evidence of having supported a non-winning team, they are replaced with stickers of the previous seasons winners.
The Future[edit | edit source]
Kuwait's future looks uncertain. As the oil is drained from beneath, the country is slowly sinking. Current estimates predict that by 2015, Kuwait will sink below sea level. Although this will prove disastrous for the country's oil business, it should not impact too much on the sand industry. A spokesman for the Kuwait Sand Company recently commented, "It's alright mate—we'll just have to roll our trousers up" .Indeed. Kuwait recently started to establish ties with China after recently hearing that oil eventually runs out, and Saudi Arabia is on its ass annexing more land day by day. The current prime minister of Kuwait (Fred Durst) stated after the 10-hour meeting with Chinese officials "Kuwait is reery rooking forward to expand its currrrent interrnational stance and allowing other parrrties to economically invest in Kuwait... Chickit" After that, they agreed to sign the 99-year protection plan and giving China the large island (Boubyan) an island that is heavily populated by 1960's busses and deserted egyptians. It is said that the Island will become a tourist attraction and the next map for (Death Chase). Untill one day Prime Minister Durst was flying Air Force Nookie to sign some papers with china and got a phone call from bogdanoff telling him to return to kuwait and not sign shit with china or (and i quote) "Your ass will be burning in mcdonalds oils".
2nd Gulf War-Reverse Invasion of Iraq by Kuwait[edit | edit source]
In between the years of 2050 and 2060, the future of Iraq is certain to be part of Kuwait. This is because at that point, Kuwait has enough wealth and power, due to the vast amount of wealth acquired from nationalized cupcake businesses, Which will aid the Kuwaiti effort in taking over Iraq; and this time the U.S. would not be interfering. Since at that point Iraq's oil supply would be declining very rapidly. Thus, by the year 2060, Iraq will be the 7th Province of Kuwait.
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