Rik Waller
 | This article may be Overly British |
Rik Waller (born 1869 as William Mona Lisa Smith in Butter) is, by and mostly large, the greatest singer of all time.
Modern Day Notoriety[edit | edit source]
Rik is best known for being a bathroom engineer and most recently found fame on BBC's Rogue Traders programme. Despite claiming to be a plumbing expert, he spent 40 mins trying to turn off a tap. He was then filmed by hidden cameras breaking a toilet and then charging £325 to fix it.
This is especially ironic when one considers that due to his enormous girth, he is unable to fit into a regular sized toilet and is forced to defecate into a modified heating boiler which is connected directly to the drains. Such a contraption must be specially regulated by the council.
Childhood[edit | edit source]
Rik was born William Mona Lisa Smith in the summer of 69. His parents deliberately aimed for a timed conception as they were such big fans of Bryan Adams. Rik's childhood was notoriously difficult. His fellow classmates at school would constantly berate him with the Men in Black theme tune, whilst Tommy Lee Jones would regularly try to humiliate him in his capacity as a renowned after dinner speaker.
Aged seven, Waller was present on a school trip to Disneyland Paris. Despite several warnings to his school from leading environmental agencies and French president David Ginola, Rik was allowed to travel. This is thought to be directly responsible for the decimation of over 1700 acres of green forest as Rik ploughed through the trees after realising he'd left his favourite Wham CD at home.
Outside of school, Rik struggled to do anything but eat. He is widely thought to be the inspiration for the best selling book "Fat Kid Rules the World". This is slightly confusing since Rik never at any time ruled anything.
Rik vs. Will Smith[edit | edit source]
Soon after his 18th birthday, Rik received a large envelope through the post, postmarked from Philadelphia USA. Inside was a piece of paper which simply read Yo diggidy - I'm gonna bag you up big willy style if you don't get your phat white ass hands off my name. Rik was left with little choice but to change his name. He describes this in his autobiography as the lowest point in his life (up to this point in his life). It was later revealed that his autobiography was scrapped due to poor grammar.
Rik would seek his revenge upon 'Big Willy Style' by releasing an album of Will Smith songs re-written for his own soulful style. The album, although critically panned, was received well by the public. Amazon reviews included:
"When an angel is born the sound heard is not half as pleasurable as this." by Lovebug29
"I thought this would be crap but then again I thought Katie Price and Peter Andre's album was going to be the musical equivalent of hearing crippled orphans cry. I can now admit to being wrong on both occasions." By ILoveJordan
Tracks included Dinnertime, Just Crushin', Gettin Jelly Wit It and Pie-ami
The album can now be found near the bottom of Woolworths 99p CD Bargain Basket along side Nik Kershaw's seminal "The Riddle" & anything released by Melanie B.
Early Career (The Gigolo Years)[edit | edit source]
In eary 1995, Rik launched his career as a male Gigolo. With "fat" being the new "thin", Rik decided to cash in on the 90's phenomenon of paying people for sex. This had never occurred in history before and never occurred again. Rik was seen a quite a trend-setter and was voted Time Magazine's man of the year for 1995.
Rik was well known for throwing extravagant pool parties where women from across the globe would flock to get a piece of "Rik action". Despite weighing in excess of 420 lbs at this point in his life, Rik never actually killed anyone. Except for the guy who tried to steal his cat. But in Rik's words, "there is no greater request for one to sit on one's face than when one steals one's cat".
It's reported that Rik made in excess of ten english pounds during his period as a Gigolo. He invested this money in the Subway fast food chain. He is regularly seen eating the profits.
Rik's Nobel Prize Award[edit | edit source]
The Richter scale was originally called the 'Rikter Scale' after Rik. The exact origins are unclear, but it's believed Rik fell out of a moving train some time in 1997, generating a massive seismic tremor and causing significant damage to the local area. This amount of seismic activity was named 1.0 on the Rikter Scale and after several laborious calculations by Rik's pet budgie, a full and complete scale was born.
In early 1998 Rik was awarded the Nobel Prize for his discovery. He beat the inventors of Gravity and Jam to the award, however both returned in subsequent years to receive their due credit. Rik's award caused some controversy as many thought his pet budgie did not receive the praise it deserved. Rik responded by eating his pet budgie live on stage during his acceptance speech. The 1998 awards were also notable as they were the first and last to be hosted by scientific genius Chris Rock.
Unfortunately, several weeks after the awards Rik entered a state of depression due to the lack of recognition from his scientific piers. Chris Rock would regularly call on the phone and label him a Fat-Cracka-Mutha-Fucka. In March 1998 Rik flew to New York for a pissed up night out (by himself). After being turned down by four prostitutes Rik climbed to the top of the Empire State Building proclaiming that he was going to show the world what 10.0 felt like on the Rikter scale.
Fortunately the US air force was alive to the danger, and managed to blast Rik sufficiently that neither he nor anyone else was injured. President at the time Arnold Schwarzenegger described the operation as the biggest air to flubber assault in US history. God bless America.
Arnold went on to say He won't be back!......huh....huh! This terrible joke is thought to be directly responsible for him failing to gain a second term.
It wasn't all bad news though. Due to the enormous height of the Empire State Building Rik's escapades could be seen from miles around, as far as the US territories of Mexico and Iraq. Americans everywhere declared that they didn't want to end up looking as much of a fat mess as Rik.
On April 1st 1998 a new bill was passed to promote a healthier life style for all Americans. The White House guaranteed to provide access to healthy food and healthy living for everyone in all of the USA's 113 states.
The bill was cancelled on April 2nd.
Present Day[edit | edit source]
Rik now refers to himself as a bathroom engineer, more commonly known as a plumber. He is credited with inventing the tap, the toilet and electricity. Rik recently told reporters that he has no plans for a career change, despite being filmed on the BBC doing some pretty shoddy work. Rik claims to this day he was set up by Chris Moyles who was making a late charge for the 2006 World's Fattest Man title. In the end neither succeeded as the title was won by Beth Ditto.
In January 2007 Rik was in the papers again as billionaire sex doll tycoon Alan Sugar sponsored Rik a record £1,000,000 per mile to run the London Marathon. Rik successfully managed to walk 0.00000032 miles before collapsing. Despite coming perilously close to death's door, Rik proclaimed from his (reinforced) hospital bed he was "bloody delighted" to have raised 32p for his chosen charity; "The relatives of the victims of the Battle of Hastings".
At the start of 2009, to mark Barack Obama's inauguration as the first African-American President, Rik formed his own fat band.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- Rik's favourite food is 'pies' and his favourite drink is squeezy cheese.
- Rik has to be hosed down once a month.
- Small objects, such as tooth picks, have be known to orbit Rik.
- Rik's mother has admitted that having Rik ruined her life. And her vagina.
- In an ironic twist Rik ate an anaconda whole.
- Rik accidentally downed some X-Lax one morning which caused massive bowel movements for 623 consecutive days. The end result was the planet Jupiter, and its 50 moons.
- Every morning, Rik usually tucks into cereal for breakfast. It's thought that a trio of lifeguards share responsibility in saving any poor soul who falls into the bowl.
- The only two mammals in the world that can not jump are elephants and Rik Waller.
- The Guinness Book of World Record states that 28 people can fit into a mini at any one time; Rik can not.
- Rik does not look before crossing the road as cars do not pose a risk to him; however on one occasion this led to trouble with the police as Rik badly injured a driver and two passengers when he collided with a land rover.
- Rik is not allowed aboard boats
- The opposite of the popular proverb 'you can lead a cow upstairs but not down' applies to Rik
- There is a direct correlation between methane increases in the atmosphere and Rik's birth. Further studies are in progress investigating whether this ten-fold increase is a consequence of Rik's arse, or some other factor.
- Rik bleeds gravy.
- Rik's favorite elevenses treat is whale on toast.
- Scientists have recently discovered the mystery sinking of Atlantis was caused by a visit from Rik Waller which caused the island to buckle under his enormous weight.
- In 2007, doctors diangosed Rik with a severe bone disorder: "bone idleness".
- the Capital city of Rik is Stockholm
- Rik and Dawn French cannot physically be in the same country
- Recent new studies on tidal patterns have shifted away from seeing the main cause as lunar cycles, and focuses on Rik's proximity to the coast as being the over-riding factor.
- Rik has more spare tyres than a Goodyear factory, but not more than Bridgestone
- Rik doesn't have more 'Chins' than a Chinese phonebook, but it is predicted that he will by the year 2050 (although granted it is unlikely he will live that long). This is despite the exponential growth of the Chinese population in the interim, as Rik's predicted weight gain will eclipse this.
- Steven Hawking can run the 100 metres quicker than Rik
- When Rik dies he will collapse in on himself, technically becoming a 'neutron star'. Life, as we know it, will end on the earth
- Plans for a comeback tour of his greatest hits were scuppered when, three representitive from his sponsers Burger King, Mr Kipling and Butters Lard were eaten by Rik whole live on rehearsal stage.
- While we accept Rik Waller is a useless fat cunt in the United Kingdom, he's only a Medium when he goes shopping for clothes in America, and is therefore worshipped.
- By the time Rik turns around, it's his birthday.
- Paul Verhoven chose a section of Rik's torso as the landscape of Mars in the hit 1990 Sci-Fi Thriller movie "Total Recall". The red rocks and gravel you see are in fact crumbs from biscuits eaten by Rik. Arnold Schwarzenegger remarked that he has never been so scared in all his life, and he's married to Maria Shriver.