From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Republica Communista Nikaraguense Liberatido y La Tierra Sacreda Nacional America Central
People's Banana Republic of Nicaragua
NicaraguaFlagIlluminati.png Nicaragua Managua.jpg
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "Because Costa Rica was too gay and Honduras is too homophobic"
Anthem: "Nicaragua Salve a Ti"
CapitalNueva-Nueva-Nueva Managua "currently under construction"
Largest cityGranada
Official language(s)Spanglish (official), Vosotros?, Chinese, Mouth-Pointing
GovernmentModern Catholo-Communist Isolational-Facist Military Junta
‑ Presidente/Chairman/Ambassador/Treasurer for LifeDaniel Ortega (Moron)
‑ Spiritual LeaderA badass Skeletal Virgin of Guadalupe
‑ True Presidente/Chairman/AmbassadorRaúl Menéndez
Ethnic groups47% Indigenous Nicaraguan, 27% Drunk Spaniards,Italians, Portuguese, and other Smelly Europeans, 6% Mayan, 5% Sino/Japanese Fishing Tycoons, 13.9% Nazi war criminals, 1.1% Chupacabras,
EstablishedWhen Spain finished raping
ReligionCommunism, Virgin of Guadalupe-ism Aum Shinrikyo
Major exportscoffee, rice, whatever Japanese fishing boats can carry, undersized bananas that cause diarrhea, dead toucans, anti-Coasta Rican propaganda, reggaeton, war orphans,diarrhea, self-hating teen idols and ancient indian amulets carrying diarrhea curses
Major importsChinese firearms, bootleg Pirates of The Carribean DVDs, Nicaraguan flags, marigold-scented candles

Nicaragua (Punctuation: Nick-er-ah-goo-wa) is a large pentagram-shaped country located somewhere in Central America's Yacatan Penninsula roughly six times the size of Canada. Famous within Latin America for having more soldiers than people, Nicaragua has long prided itself on being a violent oasis in a peaceful world.

Nicaragua is renowned worldwide for its tropical virgin splendor, which is best experienced under the influence of LSD. Note the mobile organ-extraction bus in the foreground
Government train loaded with Nicaraguan laborers heads to a construction site in Esteli. The Nicaraguan public transportation system is by far among the most efficient in the world - a typical car can hold as many as 600,000

Nicaragua is believed to have been formed roughly 5,000 years ago following a geographical orgy of inter-continental friction between two horny tectonic plates, culminating in a little volcanic ejaculation, and an eventual, and unintentional impregnation of an ovulating sea-level landmass. Nicaragua's lush, napalm-kissed rain forests are home to a wide variety of plant and animal life, including several species once considered to be on the brink of extinction, or alternatively, like the rest of the country - fantastical.

Modern scientists and quantum phyicists however, point to modern geographical evidence that a previously unverified country roughly Nicaragua's reported size may plausibly exist somewhere between Honduras and Nicaragua. Believers point to large populations of small, mouth-pointing latinos living in Miami communities claiming to hail from a land they refer to as "Nicaragua." Skeptics however, assert that these people are, in fact, Philipinos suffering post-traumatic-stress disorder, characterizing the onset of the Swine Flu.

Some of Nicaragua's notable native species, the Pink Riverdolphin, Toucan Sam, and the elusive Chupacabra are considered to be natural treasures and symbols of the country's triumph and dedication to conservation and environmental protection. Ultimately, an entire third of Nicaragua's wildlife are considered to by the international community to be simply too beautiful, exotic, and essentially intact to actually exist. This attitude does not, unfortunately, include the women of Nicaragua. Nicaraguan women are notorious for the low age in which they become sexually active. Due to alleged reports indicating the presence of SuperAIDS in Southern Nicaragua, Nicaraguan men are encouraged to treat women as subtractants - if they are under 15 they should rather be "done" mentally. Sexual offenders are shot on sight in Nicaragua, and therefore children are allowed to wander the jungles unsupervized; the nation's puma and Gingerbread hag populations has likewise grown accordingly in recent years.

The Nicarguan government has in recent years taken great steps to revive its National Bird, the Chupacabra's population. The species has for many decades become increasingly threatened by the Western World's reluctance to acknowledge its scientifically-reenforced existence. Efforts to raise Chupacabra awareness look toNAMBLA affiliate and media icon Al Gore and the unprecendent success of his Man-Bear-Pig campaign with hope and inspiration.

Historia-sung, History of Nicaragua[edit | edit source]

Nicaraguan tradition seems to dictate that the country was created by the Mayan warrior-chiefton and demigod "Agueybana," as a tributary state. The Nicaraguan people themselves are said to have originated in seven mystical caves centered upon the ancient, sacred island of Puerto Rico. Agueybana, however, proved to be a lazy and inactive overlord, and progress for the mystic canoe-born Puerto-Rican refugees in the mountainlands of Nicaragua was slow. Regardless, small villages were conceived and began to germinate in the resource-laden uterus that was the Nicaraguan mainland. Eventually, Nicaragua became a stopping ground for Mayan slavecatchers looking for charismatic, impotent captives to be sacrifice in Tijuana. Upon the arrival of the Spanish Conquistador George Lopez Santiago Rivera, the entire Nicaraguan population of around 15,000 proceeded to accept the invaders' rough, bearded, and indiscriminatory rape with little complaint, leading to the tragic introduction of SuperAids, gonorrhea, and the gay and pedophelia gene into the Nicaraguan population. These traits would later cause the downfall of the Nicaraguan family.

As depicted in Mel Gibson's impartial and emotionally neutral film, Apocalypto, Pre-Columbian Nicaragua was breeding ground for sacrificial captives of The Mayan Empire. This is perhaps the only film ever created to make any reference to Nicaragua. Mel Gibson is still worshipped in several small villages as an agent of racial tolerance and impartiality

Over the next few centuries, Nicaragua flourished under the warm, nurturing foreign rule of the Spanish Empire, in which the indigenous peoples quickly learned that failure to meet their slave quota meant replacement by imported slaves from Africa. Terrified of seeing their beloved land transformed into racially tolerant, economically prosperous and politically-stable metrosexual cesspool like Brazil, Nicaraguans developed a healthy, intense, and completely justified hatred of black people that resounds in the present day.

Under the assistance of the English buccaneer Bootstrap Bill Turner, Nicaraguan villagers used their childlike appearances to slip past Spanish sentries and urinate upon the faces of sleeping Spanish colonials. Because Nicaraguan contains an extremely high concentration of the nerve agent iocane dextrohemoglobonate, the toxins absorbed by the Spaniards' faces caused massive brain hemorrhaging, liver failure, and diarrhea. Eventually, the bewildered occupants decided that a duty-free brothel was not worth the cost of military occupation, and proceeded to abandon the traumatized and badly bruised Nicaraguans like little Cambodian, girls, in bedroom of unrestrained imperialistic aspiration and began whatever the hell Spain has accomplished since it lost its colonies. After the ejaculation of the Spanish Crown from Nicaraguan soil, the Nicaraguan people vowed that no White people would ever be allowed to set foot or know of the existence of Nicaragua ever again. Nicaraguan sweat, blood, and urine would assure this. Throughout the 18th and 19th centuries, Nicaragua experienced an unprecedented ascent to global prominence, building a modern military and asserting its dominance over "uke" Costa Rica and "seme" Honduras alike. By the turn of the 19th century, Nicaragua controlled an empire ranging from Miami, encompassing the entire Caribbean Sea and its islands, and stretching as far South as the Pablo Escobar Plaza, Columbia.

Nicaraguan Colonel Enrique Chamorro, (11) leading an expeditionary force during the Nicaraguan invasion of Australia during the late 1980's. To this day, Nicaraguan males ages 6 to 98 are required compulsory service in the nation's military, the largest and most unnecessary in Latin America.

In the brief period preceding the Banana Wars, Nicaragua sought to solidify its place as a global power, sending gifts of fresh fruits, bootlegged DVD's, opium, and Flor de Canya Rum to the neighboring superpowers Mexico, The Philippine Islands, Jigoku, and The United States, by far the most impoverished and backwards of the lot. An international incident was fingered and touched off when Augusto Sandino, the supreme Lord of The Empire of Nicaragua, dispatched Carlos Mencia, who was at the time serving as the nation's foreign minister as an envoy to The starving United States of America with much needed relief material, including the country's largest fullest, and brightest uncut Banana, full, prickly leaves and all to American President F D Roosevelt as a gesture of goodwill.

However, in an unfortunate case symbolic misinterpretation, FDR mistook the infamous banana, and Carlos Mencia's sex-centered humor as a taunt alluding to his own -induced genital paralysis, and quickly assembled a massive armada of steam powered robotic spiders to attack the Nicaraguan mainland - touching off the first of a series of "Banana Wars," in which these events were time and time again repeated to the last condencendingly hilarious detail, until FDR finally dropped dead of Viagra poisoning, and atomic bombs were dropped on the American Cities of Harlemshima and Denversaki.

Little known are the incredible military feats and exploits of the mighty Nicaraguan Empire during this time, among them, the utter annihilation of the United States in the First, Second, Third, and Nineteenth Banana Wars, the Walker Incident, and The Somoza Affair, in which Generalissimo Augusto Sandino forced the inexperienced, inferiorally armed and supplied United States Marines under Commander John Kerryto repeatedly bend over the cold, oak-hard surface of the negotiation table and accept the long, harsh, and stiffly self-serving terms of surrender. John Kerry later through his many military honors and medals over his backyard fence in disgust.

Upon the American Surrender at the end of The infamous "Banana Wars" - possibly the most one-sided war in modern history, United States Marines were still inexperienced in fighting in thire 'backyard'.

Upon the American Surrender at the end of The infamous "Banana Wars" - possibly the most one-sided war in modern history, United States Marines were rewarded for their most humble surrender with this tattered Sandinista Flag, complete with fake Nicaraguan bloodstains, representing the dear place all Nicaraguans hold in their hearts for those they have vanquished. Over 10 million American men, women, and children were killed or maimed during the 3rd Banana War, and nearly 119 Nicaraguan military personnel. Despite having the advantage of a sea-worthy navy, the Thompson Automatic Rifle, and African-American soldiers, the United States was unable to secure a single major victory during The Banana Wars, even under the mentoring of renowned banjo-player Adolf Hitler the USO actually succeeded in making American morale worse, when Janette Jackson flashed her seriously-deflated boobage before an audience of mostly homosexual American servicemen and women. Needless to say, America lost the war largely due to an ensuing decline in American morale and population.

Due to its timeless, extensive and flawless military history, having been the only nation in the history of human civilization, discluding Switzerland, that has never once known a single military defeat, Nicaragua is unanimously regarded by international concensus to be the greatest nation on earth.

Historia de Nicaragua Moderno-sung "History of Modern Nicaragua"[edit | edit source]

Current Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega with his beloved wife and lifelong companion Mahmoud Ahadinejad. Ortega, age 69, has taken up a variety of mistresses during his long and tumultuous political career, including Venezuela's own Hugo Chavez, Cuba's ravishing beauty Fidel Castro, and Kim Jong Il.

Following the unprecedented victory following the Banana Wars, Nicaraguans became eager for change, seeing the military exploits and fascist tendencies of an emerging modern Nicaragua as "backward" and blinding the victories military caste of the fate of the common worker. As a result, between 1945 and 1995, Nicaragua underwent a series of 196,521,901 limited, bloodless civil wars, leading to the formation of a new, modern communist state serving as a beacon and a light to the rest of the world as a symbol of human potential and the peaceful integration of tradition and revolutionary restoration for generations to come.

Ever seeking to build a community of forward-searching, enlightened nations with which to transform a lost and suffering world, Nicaragua maintains close relations with North Korea, Cuba, Venezuela, China, and Iran. In 1996, Nicaragua became the 19th nations to land on the moon, having attributed the majority of its space exploration funds to the construction of hospital complexes, and public brothels. The campaign resulted in resounding success, with the life expectancy of the average Nicaraguan exceeding 25, the highest in Latin America. Literacy rates are even higher, with over 96.69% of the country's 69,969,696 citizens being able to read and write.

Culturasung-sung (Culture)[edit | edit source]

A rural Nicaraguan family reacts to being photographed for the very first time. The camera, considered a backwards, counter-revolutionary device, was banned in Nicaragua until 2003. Nicaraguans are masters of disguised and trans-gender impersonation. All the individuals in this family photograph are, in fact, anatomically male.
Masaya resident Pablo Escobar enjoying a Nicaraguan delicacies - steamed marmoset. Dirty karma and nueralogical mutation agents contained in the brains of newborn monkeys are the leading preventable cause of death for Nicaragua's rich bastards.

Nicaraguans were, at one time, a very sophisticated and technologically-savvy people dedicated to scientific pursuit and economic industrialization. Such feats and exploits of the Nicaraguan Department of Applied Physics include the Proton Masturbatory Collider, widely use today in many European and Filipino Scientific communes. Luckily,in the years following the Sandinista Revolution, trivial scientific initiatives were heavily suppressed. Visiting Japanese dignitaries were first to have witnessed firsthand the new, enlightened Nicaraguan people, having redirected their national policies towards literacy and sexual prowess, banning al non-pornographic cartoons and Mountain Dew-based food product.

Fireigners visiting an opening Nicaragua were fancified and sensually engaged by the effeminately conducted mannerisms of the Nicaraguan male. Interpersonal communication in Nicaragua is based heavily on body language. For example, Nicaraguan men tend to point using every bodily appendage excluding the pointer finger. However, to the disappointment of many French and Belgian visitors, while an entire 95.2 percent of the male Nicaraguan population identify as either gay or bisexual, and Japanese yaoi accounts for nearly 15% of the the nation's national imports, homosexuals account for only 6% of the entire Japanese population.

Food exists in surplus and overabundance in Nicaragua, and therefore the Japanese diet is both varied and excessive. Nicaragua is famous for its ancient and delicate cuisine dishes, including sea turtle, dolphin and baby monkey. All other edible animals are exported via the Japanese Fishing Industry for a substantial profit of not having to lift an expired trade embargo with The United States.

The best thing about Nicaragua...The women and that's about it. [File:Nicaragua_Xiomara_Blandino.jpg]

Hazarado-sung(Hazards and Issues)[edit | edit source]

Main article: White People Yoko Ono
Yoko Ono "pictured feeding off the HIV-negative blood of her dead, Nicaraguan-loving, anti-communist, right-wing conservative, spectacled husband John Lennon" has left a mixed legacy on Nicaragua's modern history. Around 150 child disappearances each year are attributed to Yoko Ono's deviant vampireism.

Almost unbelievably, this seemingly perfect country has been faced with a dire plethora of kindly-worded difficulties while re-entering the global stage. One of these difficulties that Nicaragua has fought hard to overcome in recent decades is The Yoko Ono. Like Japan, Taiwan, Vietnam, and Brazil, Nicaragua has refused this Jigoku-born women citizenship due to her vampiric tendencies and orgasmic singing talent.

[[File:ChildSoldierNika.jpg|thumb|right|These elite Nicaraguan commandos vigilantly guard the entrance to Jigoku. These men, hand picked from the tallest of the Nicaraguan Army's exclusive ranks are the first line of defense against Yoko Ono attacks that have frequently plagued the region since ancient times.

Despite her innocent child-like appearance, carefully-trimmed eyebrows and her clearly not satanic typical cute Japanese-ish, feminine not the least bit sexually promiscuous, would never try to participate in sexual acts in public on multiple occasions, this woman has left a profound, mixed legacy on the history of modern Nicaragua. Unlike her husband John Lennon, who genuinely adored Nicaragua, in the subtle, not creepy at all way that Old Man Herbert adores Chris Griffin, for reasons completely unrelated and unknown,Yoko wholeheartedly places the blame for her husband's tragic, untimely snowmobile accident and proceeding death completely on the peace-loving people of Nicaragua. A cruel combination of Yoko Ono's post-prime-still-somewhat-media relevant influence that destroyed The Beatles and now threatens to drag the children of Nicaragua back to Jigoku with her, and the cruel, repetious humor of Seth McFarlane have dulled the world to Nicaragua's many accomplishments.

Swine-flu positive couple Yolanda and Raulito Garcia make the best of things at a quarantine settlement in San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua. At present, only 15,000 Nicaraguans are infected with the disease.
With Africa's starving orphan population dwindling, Nicaraguan military officials fear the safety of their own young orphan population. Steps have been taken to prevent rich white people, "pictured" from stealing a generation of Nicaraguan youth. More dangerous for Nicaraguans children is that, like Asians, they remain cute well into their late 50s.

In Spring of 2009, Nicaragua enacted the first and most successful response to the fatal Swine Flu Outbreak, which has claimed countless death worldwide; casualties mounting 600 billion in Chicago alone. Nicaragua was the first to enact a voluntary quarantine of the infected population, and therefore preventing further outbreaks in the highly populated urban centers of Managua, Managua City, Nicaragua City, and New Managua. As the swine flu exacts its deadly toll and extracts the lives of untold billions in coming years, nations around the world will seek Nicaragua's exemplifying of an effective counter-pandemic program.

Foreign adoption by rich white foreign media icons is another potential risk which the Nicaraguan government has taken major steps to inhibited and altogether prevent. Looking to China as a model of a successful red-tape adoption agency, Nicaragua now ranks the 5th most impossible to adopt a child from countries in the world, at $650,500 per healthy Nicaraguan child, compared to Russia, currently $50,100 a child, India at $9,500 a head, and Brazil at $13.53 for a set of 11. Credentials imposed by the Nicaraguan government require that the adoptee's family include at least 3 married parental guardians.

Lingua-Idioma-sung (Language)[edit | edit source]

Nicaraguans speak the same complicated way that the Spaniards and Argentines speak. They use "Vos" instead of "tu." Perpetuating confusion to its surrounding countries. Which I suppose is use full considering they look down on other surrounding countries (forgetting that they are one of the poorest ones). So it is quite fitting that Nicaragua, Spain, and Argentina speak this way. They all had a meeting, decided they would be snobs to speak like this and realize they all had to leave, because there egos would not fit in the same room. Forget what you learned in Latin American Spanish its a waste if you got to Spain, Argentina and Nicaragua.

The Nicaraguan dialect is a product of intercultural blending and grammatical massacre, and is basically a combination of bastardized Mayan and classical bastardized Spanish. What differentiates the unique and resoundingly beautiful Nicaraguan dialect from its savage and disordered neighbors, Costa Rica and Honduras, is the addition of the suffix "sing" and the end of most words, and twice at the end of every sentence. "Ex: Hola-sung, puedo toca su mami-sunga-sung." Nicaraguan rarely communicate in spoken vocalization, but rather articulate through a series of eye-twitches and lip-puckering. This is but what example of the many ridiculous minuities that discourage foreign involvement in any aspect of Nicaraguan business.

American President Barrack Hussein Obama inadvertently using Nicaraguan body language before a Nicaraguan crowd - "You are my friend." In Nicaragua, giving a "thumbs up" sign likewise is equivalent to suggesting maternal homicide.

Nicaraguan etiquett is in fact quite complex, and the sophistication of ""Spaniard"", The Nicaraguan written language is so great that very few written records exist, and therefore much of what the world knows about Nicaragua is based on three brief references made to the country on the American television program "The Family Guy," and on the oral tradition. This has caused a tragic and unjustified shame in Nicaraguans living outside of Nicaragua. Fearful of ridicule by military, economically, or socially inferior individuals encountered in their new-found homes, Nicaraguans expressed their fervent nationalism and inestinguishable pride in their homeland through subtle, inconspicuous ways.