Kingdom of Cambodia
The Grand Kingdom of Cambodia
|Largest city||Refer to above|
|Official language(s)||Khmer, English, French, Chinese, Vietnamese|
|Government||Aristocratic State under a Constitutional Monarchy.|
|Royal King||Norodom Sihanouk|
|‑ Royal Prince||Norodom Sihamoni|
|‑ Royal General||Colonel Kurtz|
|1953 from France|
|Currency||Ammunition, Tanks, US Dollar|
|Religion||Theravada Buddhist 100%|
|Major exports||diet pills|
|Major imports||TV adverts, Money, Toyota's|
The Grand Kingdom of the Glorious Cambodia is a country in Southeast Asia. No one knows why this is the case, since judging by the level of corruption, the number of intestinal parasites, and the general poverty of the country it should be in Africa, or at least Haiti. Note the fact that most Cambodians look blasian. Cambodians are usually referred to as "Cambodian", "Khmer", "Kampuchean" or "You poor bastard."
The Cambodian population, which stood at nearly 100 million during the "Great Khmer Empire" in the 1400s, was reduced to its current level of about 10,000,000 by American carpet bombing during the Vietnam War and the resulting rise of the agrarian communist nut bags of the Khmer Rouge, who executed almost everyone who had survived by decapitating them with farming implements.
Cambodia also referred by God as the world's best damn fucking country in Asia, and it kicks the shit out of Vietnam, Laos. Infact it kicks the shit out of Vietnam so much that Vietnam still own its land that they took from Cambodia way back in the day. After the Vietnam war, the Vietnamese came to Cambodia and rescued their ass from the khmer rogue. The ungrateful cambodians came over here and start copying blacks and hispanics in the 90's. While vietnamese gangs in the 90s were shooting each other because they were fighting over girls. Cambodians shot each other over "territory" that no one owns and the other poor excuse for the countries that landlocked Cambodia. During the past years, Thailand has been a major enemy towards Cambodia; because they have been sipping on too much of that homemade Thai Haterade, which is a drink that all Thai people consume in their elementary school classes before discussion of Cambodia. The country has rarely been out of the headlines in recent years, having been made famous in the 1980s by the famous Dead Kennedy songs Holiday in Cambodia, and then put back on the map in the 1990s when British archaeologist Lara Croft and the half-elf healer Raine Sage discovered the kick-ass temple of Angkor Wat.
The discovery of Angkor Wat renewed worldwide interest in a largely forgotten period of ancient Cambodian history, when the country's Khmer Dynasty rulers totally owned at Age of Empires, knocking over the rest of Indochina, along with Siam and Burma. And probably parts of China, for all we know.
About the year 1400 Khmer defeated by Siam and become a part of Siam Empire. Khmer's Capital "Angkor" was renamed to "Siem Rath" means "State owned by Siam". Khmer people become slaves and nearly extinction. Siem Rath became abandoned town and Angkor Wat was hidden deep in the forest since then. Until 1863 Siam loss Khmer's land to French who win the battle with Thai General. From this victory of French colonial empire, Khmer peoples under French rules renamed "Siem Rath" to "Siem Reap" which means "siam ruined". and Ankor Wat was rediscovered by French later on.
From 1863 to 1953 Cambodia was a French "protectorate", a term that applied only very loosely and which still causes much hilarity among Cambodians. One good thing that came out of the French period was that Cambodians today make damn good baguettes. But unfortunately being a former French colony there is an epidemic of beret wearing asians, which is unfortunately slowly spreading out of control. The beret is a disease that is incurable, the infected patients having to be put down after contracting the disease.
Hun Sen, the Earl High Pooh-Bah of Cambodia and all around big-shot, thinks he is cool. He is not so cool as he thinks he is. Basically Hun rules the CPP (Cambodian Penis Party) and they rule the country. Questions?
There is another nut-bag called Sam Rainsy but he is cowering in France like a big fat pussy so he need not trouble us.
People and Culture
One of the highlights of the Cambodian cultural calendar is the Akwa Poon Tang Om Took, or "Water Load Festival", which is held each year for the week that the Mekong flows backwards. Cambodians line the banks of the river to harpoon the animal carcasses and bales of marijuana that float back up the Mekong from Vietnam. Then they have a barbecue and get stoned off their titsusually called Zac Martin.
Another festival that is a favourite among tourists is the annual Dancing Bile Bears Parade, in which Asian sun bears that have had their teeth snapped out with pliers and are being farmed for their bile are forced to dance down the main street of the capital, Phnom Penh. The bears still have their bile catheters hanging out, so revellers are able to give the tubes a suck and sample the warm, nutritious, aphrodisiac bile fresh from the bear's liver or pancreas or whatever.
Tourists also delight in spontaneous street theatre in which Cambodians playing the part of Khmer Rouge sympathisers pretend to beat the educated, the bourgeoisie, ethnic Vietnamese and people who wear glasses to death with folding chairs (pictured left). And vice versa.
Indigenous Cambodian cuisine includes such traditional dishes as braised snakes quarters and bat soup. Innovations introduced since the Khmer Rouge regime killed everyone and wrecked everything include fried tarantulas, grass, and water buffalo shit. These last delicacies have achieved international popularity in such diverse locales as North Korea, Haiti, and especially Zimbabwe, where they now compete with traditional local cuisine. Cambodia is also world renowned for the exportation of the very nutritious Cambodian breast milk--which has been rated "best breast milk in Asia" by People Magazine since 2001.
When surveyed of "What is Cambodia?" 100 people replied:
- 57% Yeah, I get my clothes from there!
- 22% I had a friend named that in high school!
- 21% Is that when the bake the french fries instead of frying them?
Cambodia also has a couple of passable breweries.