South Africa

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Republiek van Suid-Afrika (EISH!)
Iphabraliki do Sotho Afriki
South Africa
South Africa flag.jpg Police brutality01.gif
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: You Kaffirs are lucky Apartheid isn't official anymore!
Anthem: This Time for (South) Africa
CapitalPretoria, Cape Town, Bloemfontein, possibly others
Largest cityJo-handoveryourmoney-sburg
Official language(s)TOO MANY FUCKING LANGUAGES!!
PræsidensBradley George Rodd
National Hero(es)DeBeers Diamond Co.
 of Independence
Still waiting...
CurrencyBantu slaves
ReligionCatholicism, Animism, Whineism
Population47,780,000 niggers (4,000,000 of whom are albino)
Major importsVuvuzelas
National fishSpringbok

South Africa, also known as Suid Afrika, Saaaf Effrika or Fake Africa, is a country located at the southernmost part of the butthole continent of the world, Africa. Known mostly for its effective social classes and torture methods, in recent years South Africa has become the forerunner of "hope" in Africa. But on the inside the country is rotting away, not showing the world what is truly happening within the borders of the land. Most people are forced to build homes out of bin bags and cardboard, as the funds for their homes were either embezzled – resulting in no bricks for their homes – or the bricks were supplied, but were used in a spree of smash-and-grabs and store burglaries.

South Africa is the only country in Africa that is civilised is remotely civilised is not ruled by a tribal chief has electricity and running water. South Africa is the only place in the world where saying "G'day mate" is a criminal as well as a civil offence, and as such can lead to your arrest, or possibly even death. It is home to many of the world's greatest idiots, namely Pieter-Dirk Uys, and Charlize "There-on" Theron. It is well known due to famous British Heavy Metal-singer Phil Collins, who has sung in South African in his Emo-Band Genesis since Peter Gabriel left the band in 1767.

Government[edit | edit source]

Until 1994, South Africa was ruled by the British, who set up slavery (true story); then they got bored of ruining a third of the world, so they left some pyromaniac fascist bigots known as Apartists behind, ironically being the first country to denounce their views. They had no respect for human rights – but more egregiously, they had no fashion sense, preferring to wear grey shoes and safari suits. For these and other crimes (such as bad comb-overs), they were overthrown in 1994.

In 1990, Nelson Mandela escaped from captivity and rose to presidency in 1994. Unfortunately, remnants of the "Old" South Africa remain today, with the "Apartists" dispersing and forming minor communities around the country. They raise their young behind three-metre electrified fences and packs of Dobermans on a staple of charred meat and stay true to their old misguided teachings. In the meantime, Nelson Mandela is on the verge of death, watching everything he worked so hard to build up – like biltong – slowly break apart.

Freedom fighter Desmond Tutu.

While other African countries suffer from endemic corruption, this is thankfully not the case in South Africa. The government, in its all-seeing wisdom, has avoided the fate of other banana republics and simply legalised graft and corruption. It has even given them a respectable-sounding name: Black Economic Empowerment or BEE. This is supposedly there to give all black people a leg up, except it benefits only the already obscenely rich. The three beneficiaries of BEE thus far – Japan Fornicatewale, Patrice Motsepe and Smuts Ngonyama – are all far richer than Bill Gates and John Paul Getty combined, in spite of having no obvious skills or contributions to make to the companies in which they are forced shareholders. But, as anyone would agree, Dreadlocks and funny accents do make businesses run smoother!

If you are, say, Microsoft, and have the gall to want to open a small branch office in South Africa, you are forced to hand over 99.8% of your business to a black partner, in return for the pleasure of his immense wit, charm and company, but little else. This individual will not add one jot of value to your business, but you will have to give him most of your business, pay him twenty billion dollars per annum in salary, and still have to do all the work yourself because Mr Fatso BEE Beneficiary is too busy picking out his next Maybach and anyway he does not possess any intelligence or marketable skill, other than his levels of pigmentation. If you are a spoilsport and do not want to participate in BEE, the government will a) refuse to do business with you b) take your business anyway and c) shoot you. Hey, that's positive discrimination for you!

Government officials appear in court on a regular basis, for a variety of crimes, mainly for the crime of being extremely stupid, followed by various misdemeanours such as rape, fraud and extortion. Of course, this does not stop the masses[1] from blindly throwing their support behind them – and re-electing them every election.

Whereabouts of South Africa

Presidency[edit | edit source]

South African presidents will rule:

Transport[edit | edit source]

Transport or transition in South Africa, contrary to popular belief, does not involve wild animals. When wild animals do appear in the streets (which used to be a common occurrence) – most motorists play "let's see if they're smart enough to get out the road before I hit them with my large vehicle" – a game which has resulted in the near-extinction of the Purple Elephant – a smaller version of the elephant that is about the size of a Fiat Uno, it gets its name from the colour of its intestines, which often lay splattered on the streets.

The masses like to journey in vehicles called mobile coffins or taxis, but most commonly known as "minibus taxis". Scientists are baffled by the fact that, although their theoretical maximum load is around 9 people, the media often reports that 23 people were killed when a taxi overturned, 15 were injured, and the remaining 38 passengers were unhurt.

Upon further investigation, the origins of these vehicles are traced back to ancient methods of "culling" the human population, where in the tribal days, many villagers were placed into the belly of an elephant (through the rectum) and effectively pushed over a cliff. To meet this need in the modern day and age, the Toyota motor vehicle corporation has developed and marketed a suitable replacement to aid the process of culling. The Toyota HI-ACE (High Impact African Culling Equipment) has proved most suitable for this purpose and as a result is in wide use in South Africa and neighbouring countries.

In recent months, the cost of owning a vehicle has become so high, that the masses[2] find it a lot easier to simply take someone else's. Due to the idiots[3] starting a pseudo-valid war for oil, these costs have been multiplied exponentially, and so hunting down a wildebeest and taming it, has become the preferred mode of transport.

Mercedes ML320 SUVs are affectionately known as Yengenis, after a corrupt politician (which is of course a tautology in Africa). They are much beloved of incompetent, nouveau-rich blacks who – for no reason other than their skin colour – get appointed as directors of companies, given a corner office and a secretary, and are then told to shut up and not to sabotage the companies' operations by actually attempting to participate.

The most recent addition to the transport crisis in South Africa is that of the eNatis traffic and licensing system. Originally eNatis was thought to stand for "Electronic National Traffic Information System". After the "successful" implementation of this system in Johannesburg and surrounding areas, the acronym has been changed to "Eish, Not Available Today, I'm Sorry". As a result of this, "buying" vehicle licenses has not only become the preferred, but now the only way to avoid traffic fines. Naturally, the problem with this system has nothing to do with the government; only the largely government owned and controlled affiliate institutions (such as Telkom). eNatis was produced by a Black Economic Empowerment IT consortium at a cost of approximately fifteen billion rand, which – when revealed – caused great outrage amongst the (more than 3,000) tax payers in the country, as this sum exceeds the salary of the minister of transport, Mr Jeffrey Thumsucka Radebe, by more than 50%.

Safety, in sex and otherwise[edit | edit source]

The principle of safety is not really applicable to South Africa. However, the intelligent few claim that at least "protection" should be worn, especially during intercourse (anal or otherwise). However, as demonstrated by the Mentally Deficient Twat (formerly known as Jacob Zuma, the head of the AIDS committee in South Africa), a condom is not needed at all, for several simple reasons:

  1. All you need is a shower.
  2. To cure AIDS, all you need is one (1) white virgin, preferably younger than thirteen (13) years old, one potato; proceed to unmercifully ram her, the blood means it's working!... Then eat the potato.
  3. Men are less likely to get the disease (sorry ladies).
  4. HIV does not lead to AIDS anyway, it's a western theory made up to steal our African gold.
  5. A salad made of the following: African Potato, African Spinach, African Lettuce, African Garlic, African Seaweed and some sand.

Of course, South Africa having the highest number of AIDS sufferers is completely unrelated.

And as Zuma allegedly once said: "Avoid rape, say yes!!"

Safety in other aspects (such as "keeping safe") is generally ignored because it is common knowledge that it will not happen. Upon entering the country, most resign themselves to the fact that they will more than likely die. Recently an ad about safe sex was aired in South Africa saying: "The only thing that spreads faster than HIV is a positive attitude."

War[edit | edit source]

Old man with other old people. His favourite joke ran: "<insert unfunny-ness>" "<insert witty banter>" "<insert shitty-ness>"

South Africa beat England (and Australia and New Zealand) in a war over gold once upon a time. Most South Africans have forgotten all of this boring history, unlike "the English". To this day British people dislike South Africans, making jokes and doing accents to get a larf.

There were many wars in the past, and even today, wars rage on. During the Anglo-Boer war between the British and the Boers, the English soon realised they had no chance to win the war, and changed their tactics to locking up Afrikaner women and children in camps and leaving them to die, thereby reporting huge numbers of war casualties to their bosses in England. This effective method of warfare was later copied by the Germans during World War 2. The Brits decided around the 1960s to give the country to those in charge, which was the wrong thing to do. Due to that monumental stuff-up, South Africa now receives PC games, movies and pretty much everything else, way way way after the rest of the world, thanks guys.[4] However, that is not to say that the wars have ended completely, as it is still common to see Zulu youths roaming the country hanging white men yelling "Kill Whitey!", while... Oh wait, that's modern South Africa.

The British like to recall previous victories over the locals[5] of South Africa, because it is the only way to hide the shame of killing all the women and children during the Anglo-Boer war. The average British penis is around 5 centimetres long when erect, and this gives them a complex, especially when compared to the average native South African penis, which is around 12 centimetres (diameter) when erect.

Language[edit | edit source]

As mentioned above, there are 143 official languages in South Africa. Each includes more than 400 ways to describe anguish, defeat and humiliation.

Although everyone is free to speak their own language, it is common to find that one moves over that border, and attempts to speak a language unfamiliar to them (note that this is only common in the "whities" languages). You will often find an "Afrikaans"-speaking person attempting to speak English. This results in effective failure to communicate. For example:

  • English: "Will you please help me remove these Levis jeans?"
  • Failed attempt: "Can you like to please help me to remove this Lee-Vee jean pant?"

A common practice amongst the "darkies" when it comes to language, is to shout out what you are trying to say, irrespective of how close someone is standing next to you. Be as loud as you can be, even if the person you are talking to is standing right next to you. It is also common for them (the darkies) to break into tribal song and dance at any given point – this is referred to as "thoi-thoi-ing", an act that celebrates the "ancestral origins".[6] If a sheep is nearby, expect a tribal sacrifice to aforementioned ancestors, along with more singing/dancing/unnecessary shouting/boobies.

Sport[edit | edit source]

According to Oscar Wilde, the reason those drunken sots will never defeat South Africa at rugby is because "England can never be gay enough."

The national sport of South Africa is corruption, which is practised by politicians. The second most popular sport is Taxi Racing, there are many events including drive-bys, drag racing, Burnout 3: Takedown, stop and go, and taxi surfing. All footage is played in slo-mo due to the fact that speeds are often in excess of the speed of light. The last time there was an accident they could only find the drivers' atoms and the wrench used to steer. All events are sponsored by eNatis.

For years it was believed that rugby was a favoured sport by white Afrikaans males in South Africa. Oscar Wilde sensed that something fishy was going on, and hired Jesus and Santa to investigate, who later concluded that South African rugby is actually part of an international cult of homosexuals. The NG Kerk (a church) responded to these allegations by declaring that both Jesus and Santa are agents of Satan. As of 14 January 2009, neither Jesus nor Santa have commented on the church's declaration, but Oscar Wilde has announced that Jesus owes him $20 change.

South Africa have also put forward many of the best players in cricket, fishing, golf, basically any sport the blacks don't play. Unfortunately the government found that by selling these players off to the British that they'll make more monies for organised crime, so everybody's happy.

The black community became so frustrated with the slow transformation (getting more blacks in where they don't belong) in sport that is, and has been for the last 100 years, being played by white South Africans. They decided to consolidate things they are good at and white folks don't like or is against the law so white people won't participate. They took other sports like rape, theft, burning of things, killing, throwing stones and vandalism and gave it a name: XENOPHOBIA. It is an all black (not the New Zealand rugby team) thing that they are proud of and enjoy. And there is 100% transformation. South Africa is currently world leaders in this sport and played against Botswana, Pakistan, Zimbabwe, Mozambique, Nigeria, South Africa, the South African Police Service, Malawi and other unknown countries (countries unknown because there participants are dead). The Games was held in South Africa in the Townships and all the other Countries participants are either killed, raped, burnt, beaten, robbed, houses burnt down or vandalised, shops burnt down or vandalised and chased away. With South Africa the victor and the other participants gone the government of South Africa encouraged the other participants (the victims) not to go to refugee camps but to return to there communities so that they can play Xenophobia again.

SA Police having fun in the South African sun, shooting Xenophobic apes

Culture[edit | edit source]

Two of the most popular cultural pursuits in South Africa are the murder of disenfranchised white farmers and starvation (the two commonly going together). So, if you happen to hail from the United States, you can celebrate South Africa's rich culture by killing a farmer and refusing to donate to charities!

Recently, celebrities have begun a new tradition contradictory to the culture of South Africa. Recently Oprah opened a girls' leadership school in the insanely rich suburb of Henly-On-Klip, in between Jo'Burg and Vereneening-Verening-Veereening-Ver- forget it. In a photo op with several poor black girls and a token whitey, Oprah said that many of the girls have suffered rape and other horrors, and lucky for them, Jacob Zuma only lives a few hours away and will be sure to visit for some "surprise sex".

Economy[edit | edit source]

Aap on the state of the Tsotsi-economics: "S'goed, S'good!"

Brad Pitt has also helped the Seffrican economy by buying a mansion in Pringle Bay, Western Cape. No actual South Africans live in Pringle Bay anymore. They can't afford to.

The currency used in South Africa is called the "Rand" ("Tha Reeeend!") or the ZA$ (a.k.a bantu slaves). This currency, like all colourful currency with pictures of animals on it, is basically worthless; and doesn't really mean anything anyway, as South Africa has a "Shared Income" policy – meaning that all money, and items purchased with said money, are all freely available to be taken by anyone at any time – with permission or without.

Death and Crime[edit | edit source]

The crime rate in South Africa is very low; in fact, it is nonexistent. This is because the cops are not allowed to publish crime statistics that have not been reviewed by the government first. Because the government and cops are largely populated from the criminal class, crime stats are manipulated before publishing so as to make the populace think crime is not a problem. We are therefore happy to announce that South Africa has a negative crime rate. The crooks are in fact going around knocking on doors and returning stolen valuables to people who have previously been burgled.

HIV/AIDS[edit | edit source]

AIDS does not exist. AIDS is a conspiracy by foreign pharmaceutical companies and white people against blacks. We know this because our Fearless Leader has read this on the Internet. He also thinks that the Yanks are hiding something in Area 51 and that Elvis is hiding out in Boksburg.

Every second week of November is I Have AIDS, You Have AIDS Day, a day when the hopeless and suffering celebrate by crucifying an infected muppet, preferably Kami. The chairman of the event is Robert Mugabe.

If AIDS is ever discovered, Manto Tshabalala-Msimang, a grossly obese former witchdoctor who ate the previous minister of health, will tell you it can be cured by eating garlic, African Potato and a Big Mac. Her views on vampires are unknown. of course, the best way to cure AIDS is by finding a prepubescent virgin and raping her without letting her know mercy.

Telkom[edit | edit source]

South Africa has the highest telephone fees on Earth. Also known as "Helkom", "Smelkom", "Shit stain", "Shitcom", "Telscum" is South Africa's equivalent of Adolf Hitler, and is in fact owned by Hitler, as commonly believed. This evil entity provides telecommunications to parts of South Africa (the rest of cables were stolen) at a cost equal to laying your own international communications link.

Much of their profits come from telephone pranksters such as Whackhead, Darren Simpson from Capetown's Kfm 94.5.

BEE[edit | edit source]

"Black Economic Empowerment", also known as "Blacks Eating Everything", is a form of employing people in South Africa. It states that, should one be of black skin colour and have a name like "Siyabonga", he/she should immediately get any job he/she applies for no matter how stupid they are. This is supposedly a method of "correcting the imbalances of the past", which still seems to be unfair despite apartheid ending over two decades ago.

Manto Tshabalala-Msimang[edit | edit source]

Manto Tshabalala-Msimang is the most intelligent black person in South Africa. No questions asked. She is uber-intelligent. Her intelligence is only matched by her corruption. She lost her liver in a freak drunken driving accident and required a new one, which she stole from some guy (That person was Bart from "7de Laan").

Bart Kruger. It was a sad day in South African Television History, that bloody monkey!

During brilliant displays of her intelligence, she apparently discovered a cure for AIDS. At an expo in Sweden, she proposed a method of mixing beetroot and water as a cure for AIDS. The scientists behind her were not laughing at her, but with her while she vomited away the disease.

In another display of intelligence, she was caught by the Sunday Times drinking a shot of vodka immediately after her liver transplant. Truly genius, don't you think? She then proceeded to sue the Sunday Times, even though she herself wrote an article about freedom of the press.

She has a great number of supporters, so many that they started a website called "Sack Manto" which is referenced to how potatoes are sold by the sackful! This is a sweet way of her supporters to show they are in agreement with her policies on using the African potato to cure gays with AIDS.

The previous minister of health, Dr. F.M. Zuma (Fokken Myt Zuma), decided to change departments and relocate to the Department of Foreign Affairs, because, to her, health was a foreign affair anyway. Weeks later, she was eaten by Mantu.

Taxis[edit | edit source]

Loading up passengers the South African way.

Taxis in South Africa run over everything in sight. Even if they are not on the road, they will make a special trip just to run over everything. Taxi drivers have problems telling the difference between cheap shit and stuff that works, even when their hubcaps fall off and role towards a cop (cops are corrupt).

Taxi drivers are known to carry automated weapons, particularly the better known and black market value cheapie, the AK-47. It is a wonderful addition and is highly recommended to any Taxi Drivers armoury. Some are known to fire off a couple of rounds, from a pistol, into passing taxis who also happen to be some of their greatest opposition. Since South Africa is a country of unity, taxi drivers sometimes feel the need to create a medium of imbalance by "shooting up" their fellow men and women who also work for the public transport system. Reasons for this have not yet been brought to the surface.

See also[edit | edit source]

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. read: people who vote for the ANC after being given a plate of cheap food and stapled condoms by the ANC
  2. read: hijackers
  3. read: Americans – George Bush in particular
  4. read: assmasters
  5. read: black inhabitants
  6. read: evolving – not much – from apes