Male
A male (Macho-Sapiens-Sparticus) is a fur bearing mammal that has genitals arranged in an ♂ shape. Borne of the mighty thunder god Thor, they are a race of supreme beings that hail from the planet Sparta, where they battled for glory all day and all night, and basked in the rays of their raging sun's light in the warm grass whilst drinking their mighty Redbull (the elixir of Thor) for untold ages. But unbeknownst to them, a Strange and mildly arousing Race crawled forth from the Darkness at the edge of the universe. These creatures had observed the males from afar, and quickly realized how easily the male instincts could be harnessed to their own ends. Known as the Woman or Female, these Sinister Beings (it has been hypothesized that they were once the "you may be eaten by a" variety of grues, but modern science and genome mapping have proven them to be evolved from a slightly less dangerous subspecies of grue known as loli-sapiens-cruentus) mutated their kinda cute, but not very hot bodies into a new extremely hot shape with one simple adaptation that they knew would greatly arouse and confuse the Males. The Males showed-off and fought amongst themselves for a thousand years for the females attention.
After the thousand years of infighting, the males still had their vigor and virility, but had no leadership and had been reduced to throwing stones and excrement in combat. The females' conniving hive-mind wasted no time and conceived institutions known as "Families" to subdue Males from their wild and mighty ways and easily harnessed their great strength and stamina. This upheaval incidentally erased much of Mankind's fierce and incredible original history, and alas, the females renamed mighty, mighty Sparta to the significantly wimpier name: Earth.
The male is the second Mightiest creature of all extant multi-cellular organisms ever to have evolved on the planet Sparta but has been downgraded by grue DNA to his current lowly state. The first mightiest creature IS the Techno Viking; who is male, but existed on Sparta long before Macho-Sapiens...
Origins[edit | edit source]
Males were inadvertently created by the god Thor when he blew his load on a backwoods planet (when he thought no one was watching) and scared the land. The Great Loadblow was caused by the images of Hentai in an intergalactic, pre-mortal website and Thor's long history of Pornography addiction. Males looked nothing like today's males as they evolved from the humble sea monkeys that were Thor's sperm. After millennia, males realized that they could walk upright. At their peak of evolutionary perfection, they were born fully bearded, 9' tall and easily reached 400 lbs with no excess fat. Also they had tails. They "invented" fire and hamburgers (a discovery attributed to The Burger King's Divine intervention), and crafted tools like axes, swords, and +10 warhammers with a damage bonus against Ogres and their kin. Barbeques, the Disposable flamethrower, the legendary Mach 3 Triple Bladed Katana, Starcraft, and "B" sci-fi films were developed in short order. Males built colossal cities, giant robots, and flying machines, conquering this weak greenish-blue planet and becoming an apex predator among apex predators after only a few million years of evolution.
Biology[edit | edit source]
Males are more meatier than females but real males don't have boobies, and can't make milk; Instead men produce a high-quality low_fat Mayonnaise in unlimited quantity from an unknown orifice. You can discern a real man from an impostor by his penis and the fine pelage that protects his body against the cold. This "fur," or "man-pelt," as the scientific community calls it, is as tough as steel wool, but as soft as a velvet child and extremely flammable.
The pelt upon a male's head is commonly mistaken as merkin. In fact, many males have sold their hair for the merkin industry, never to see it again; as like a soul, one must go to hell and back to retrieve it. The hair atop a males head and the beard on his chops is actually a mane, like a male lion's, which protects his head and face from injury during battle with rivals and himself during bouts of uncontrolled drunken rage. In nature, Males are carnivorous, and use their mighty muscles to efficiently Subdue their hapless meat-prey, thus why Man's natural prey, Woolly Mammoths, Sabretoothed Tigers, Tyrannosaurus Rex, Locke-Ness Monsters and medium-sized giant ants are in such short supply in this day and age.
Males naturally have a drive to become the Alpha Male and will fight tooth and wiener for the title of High King of Sparta. The Last Male such titled was High King Master-of-the-Universe Leeroy Jenkins IV, who gave his life trying to reunite the male race after the female incursion. The Alpha drive manifests primarily as a repeated shoving match, showboating, beard contests and empty threats such as, "It wasn't a threat, it was a promise" but most commonly a male tries to dominate another male by repeating a line from an action film that the aggressor hopes his opponent has never seen.
Unfortunately, the brain structure of the male disadvantages them at many things, such as maths, cooking (assuming it isn't raw meat, which generally requires no cooking), raising well-balanced sons, and satisfying their girlfriends' "needs". Men's barbaric "minds" excel at anything requiring fighting, hunting, or blunt-force-trauma/burning down. Most men are simple-minded savages with a penchant for teamwork; but a small amount of cleverness and technical savvy have been bred into the male race through years of hybridization with the tribe of grue females. Strangely however, men are excellent drivers by default, something the more intelligent females have yet to duplicate with any consistency.
The male brain structure also makes it difficult for them to restrain themselves when experiencing anger-related emotions, often forcing them to go into a raging frenzy, receiving a +50 strength and +50 accuracy bonus for 30 seconds or more (depending on what level the man is, if he has a feat for drunken rage or a beer keg's worth of alcohol squirreled-away in his "beer-belly"). At current, the calculation for the duration and frequency of this rage is unknown and may vary between individuals from short bursts in rare circumstances, to constantly. Though sometimes a minor inconvenience to himself but more frequently to others, this supreme rage is what has helped him acquire his lofty place as king of the beasts for the rest of eternity. Amen.
Evolution[edit | edit source]
From the massive potential of Thor's manly seed, Males did emerge, but to survive for an eternity they had to change. Males diverged into an uncountable number of forms to fill the various niches that their new environment offered. But what is remarkable about this is that they are capable of evolving within only one generation. What a male becomes reflects several attributes: Awesomeness, Studliness, Honorability, Macho-ocity, How much he can "bench", how many other males he's K.O.'d (thus why real men don't punch the physically inferior females), how many females he's "porked", how many different kinds of animals he's eaten and in what quantity, how good his reflexes are, whether or not he kisses his bosses' ass (he shouldn't), and how awesome he is. Based on what quotas a male does or does not meet in all of those and other unknown areas, and the level of his endeavor reflect what he can metamorphose into.
Though all males who live long enough eventually attain the "Old Fart" stage, only a few males ever digivolve into one or more of these forms:
- Spartan (Must live in SPARTAAA! Must dine in hell tonight, and usually every friday night... unless it's the satyr. The Spartan lives a spartan lifestyle, unfettered by needless belongings such as shirts. The Spartan needs only a spear, sword, shield, loincloth, and cape from birth onwards. Fighting, fighting, and more fighting are their mainstays, out in the sun all day, well muscled chests shaved and oiled, no they're not gay {well, maybe a little}.)
- Pirate (must wear an eyepatch and be at least partially drunk 60% of waking hours and completely unhygenic 100% of the time. Being a pirate means scurvy, that's the cornerstone of cool among pirates.)
- Black Belt (must wear black belt, must have earned it, must not be total or even partial asshole, only a phony blackbelt is an asshole. Ever.)
- Bull Fighter/Rider (Must fight/ride no fewer than one bull and be a cowboy, Spaniard, or Mexican to qualify)
- Sniper (must kill from distance, must kill and eat own weight in snipes annually)
- Scottish (Kilt and insatiable hunger for haggis a prerequisite, being born and raised in Scotland helps.)
- WWE Wrestler (must have good reflexes and fight in cage or not, you won't be fighting for real anyways.)
- Caveman (must live in cave, eat uncooked reptile flesh and drag females by hair.)
- Heavy Weapons Guy (No can be little baby! Must be heavy! Must like gun! Must like sandvich! Must be Russian!
(Не может быть маленький ребенок! Должно быть тяжелым! Должна нравится пистолет! Должно как Бутерброд! должен быть русским!)
- Alligator Wrestler (must wrestle alligators, must retain all arms and legs)
- Bear Wrestler (same as above ['cept with bears.])
- Space Marine (self explanatory)
- Berserker (Must be completely fucking ape shit crazy)
- Biker (Must have motorcycle, mustn't be rice-powered)
- Pokemon Master (also self explanatory)
- Super Saiyan (must advance through obscene number of levels in this category)
- Standard '50s Father (Arguably the most powerful and sought after form a male can take. Horn-rim glasses, a dress shirt, tie, and garter belts often accompany this form, but the mechanics of his true inner workings are poorly understood as they can only be assumed to operate on another plane of existence. This form is graced by a perpetually perfect haircut, a pipe which will never fall from his lips against his will, and a face that is always gloriously clean-shaven and of a stable, confident countenance. One of his stranger traits is the fact that he is always at least four feet taller than any near observer within their own mind, how this passive ability operates could possibly be attributed to some fibre of Eldritch Abomination within his essence... The jack-of-all-trades knowledge and sagely wisdom that come with this form make all others as nothing; a stern talking-to or even a brief but well deserved belting will be administered to anyone foolish enough to incite his calm, controlled yet unstoppable fury. Nothing cannot be overcome by the infinitely male heart, mind and soul of the Standard '50s Father. It is HE who is believed to be the TRUE FORM of Male, thus the great rarity of those who walk the sacred and immortal path of this perfect creature.)
Genitals (A.K.A, "The Man Parts")[edit | edit source]
Besides having Honor, any real Man must obviously possess a Penis, as well as two or more or less Testicles, known to the scientific community as "nuts" or "balls" (a male's only genuine weakness).Men are largely controlled by these organs, thus causing men to act extremely stupid in front of females. Penises are usually comprised of solid mythril, mined by only the swarthiest of Dwarves in the deepest bowels of the planet Mars. The Penis not only acts as a organ of reproduction, but also as the male's primary means of self-defense and definer of social hierarchy. Some Men are even capable of beating their enemies into the ground with naught but their Penis alone, although these Men must be careful because this leaves their 'Achilles heel' (aka balls) exposed. This is why size has always been of such importance among males: the bigger the Johnson, the easier it is to annihilate a "noob", and thus garner respect or not.
There have often been cases where the male's penis can dry up and fall off, this is called Penis Dismemberment. Penis Dismemberment generally happens at EXACTLY 30 years of age, but only in 0.05% of men. It is a great social stigma and a shame that is never spoken of above a whisper for fear of becoming a victim... Many men die after Penis Dismemberment, as the penis is one of the most vital organs of the male anatomy. If you feel you are in danger of Penis Dismemberment, please call your nearest P.P. (Penis Practitioner). If a male suffers from Penis Dismemberment and is not slain by another man to free him from his suffering, one of three things can happen: The male is sent to the deepest bowels of Mars, where peni' are manufactured, and the Dwarves attempt to attach a penis into his Vagina/Mangina. If the Dwarves fail to attach a new member then they can order a special Titanium one from Skymall for the low, low price of 9,999 pieces of gold. However, a male who has lost his manhood and whose body rejects the mithril graft will become transmogrified into a beautiful and treacherous female within 48 hours. Once fully enveloped by the female hive-mind, he who has become she can be a powerful and deadly foe, applying makeup, wearing a bra, and causing widespread death of Swarthy-Dwarves in the Mythril pits of Mars. Once subdued the now female will be caged, tranquilized, and shipped to Venus or the sun. Either way is fine. Man's greatest fear is vagina, but because of the mighty testosterone produced by their nethers every true male, even the gay ones, desire to meet it's worthy challenge more than anything, and at all times (even whilst sleeping).
Work[edit | edit source]
Males are known for being able to screw up anything with their hands and make it anew. Be it a turning a tree into a blunt cudgel, an animal bone into a sharp stabbing implement, a mound of rusted steel into a train fueled by coalified dinosaur excrement, an abandoned animal burrow into a comfortable and well furnished house with hot and cold running water and centralized air conditioning, Duplo blocks into a pyramid, giant robot, or even a planet, Males have been able to build it, someway, somehow. One of the Male tribes' most notable traits is the ability to bring home bacon, and as famous bread winners. The bacon is generally carved from the flanks of vanquished questing beasts and smoked in hand-dug pits over slow-burning Ent wood. Bread is generally won in contests of might, such as Caber Toss, Tug O' War, other Scottish Games, or simply by killing another male and taking his bread and bacon. In mixed societies where men include the more trustworthy of the untrustworthy females, men have taken them in and engaged in symbiosis by setting them to work, most notably for cooking, "doing it" and cleaning up indoor "man-leavings", in exchange for protection from harsh weather and wild animals, found scraps of bacon and bread that the males bring home at random intervals, and protection from other males mythril hammers. At the end of the day though, a Male's true work is to prove his worthiness to enter the great hall of Valhalla, where he can eat and fight and pork Valkyries alongside Thor and friends for all eternity.
Recreation and Personal Life[edit | edit source]
Males generally spend the time not spent fighting, working, or masturbating engaging in a variety of quaint pastimes that outsiders can only describe as "disturbing". The first is the daily ritual where the male marks his territory by tinkling mightily on his front door and on foliage at the borders of his territory; he always does this before an outing. One of the better known of their games involves kicking the eviscerated carcass of a hapless swine that fell afoul of the males' inconceivable wrath. The males fight over it awarding points to warring sides for mangling the porker back and forth across the field and intermittently tackling one another. This sport is named; you guessed it: Rugby. And to the victors go the spoils: the adoration of their fans and the greatly coveted and appropriately dubbed "pigskin". It is dragged from the arena, hosed off, deep fried and promptly eaten by the deserving Spartan team. Males also enjoy music to make babies by. The national genre of the planet Sparta is "EPIC TRAILER MUSIC" It can still be found on Youtube to this very day.
Courting the Adversary and Reproduction[edit | edit source]
Despite their difficult history and mutually taking advantage of each other, males invest a lot of energy and resources in romancing the vicious female hordes. They spend all of their gold and jewels to buy slightly different gold and jewels for the females to adorn their sinister and extremely hot bodies with. Furnishing food in it's raw and unfettered form such as a raw dripping ham is often attempted but rarely successful in wooing one of the shrewd females, who know a pathetic inferior male when they see one, a smarter male will take her to a nice restaurant, which he hates. If he is successful in catching the wily female's attention, he will invite her to his lair, and his nest of moose hides for a pork and a huff or two. If the pile of animal bones outside his lair is too small, or if his mullet is too short, then she will not be impressed and will likely leave him for a male with more money. However, if his skill at killing other living things is ample, she will join him and they will likely make love for three minutes, four minutes If he is an especially powerful male. After the female constructs her whelping-box, she will nag the male that she has deceived into impregnating her into bringing bizarre and exotic foods for her to consume. And so, the male goes off with his tail betwixt his legs, questing for peanut butter, pickles, chop suey, and nutritious polar bear livers out in the dangerous wilderness. The female will become increasingly territorial and hostile during the gestation of the hybrid offspring, often leaving the male to sleep on the couch... On the front lawn. When the female is ready to birth the whelps, her water will break, causing her to destabilize and sublimate into a dreadful entity comprised of pure plasma. The babies will spontaneously generate in nearby cellars, mulch piles, and beneath stadium bleachers fully bearded and capable of fending for themselves. And thus the epic epoch of the Male continues!
Males - the Legendary God-Beasts of Sparta[edit | edit source]
It has been proven to be self evident, in past, present AND future that:
1. Males are THE mightiest and most epic form of life that has ever existed (especially when having sex at a female and making war).
2. Guns don't kill people, Males do. Frequently.
3. Males can smite lesser beings with their reproductives as easily as a female can catch a pregnancy with hers. It is suspected that there is a connection between these two phenomena.
4. Males are only partially evil being XY chromosomed, while females are pure evil having XX.
5. Males will eat anything that bleeds, especially if it bleeds Bavarian cream, jelly, or sugared lard.
6. Males and females will never understand each other, and will never coexist harmoniously, as they are completely unrelated species originating from completely different dimensions. Though it is the female that is the non-indigenous invasive species on Sparta/Earth and this reality.
7. Males can make babies through parthenogenesis without the aid of women, but prefer not to (Females being decidedly mediocre birth-givers and males being EXTREMELY bad at it).
8. The necessary staple foods for a healthy male are meat, beer, pie, and pancakes which can be substituted with waffles. A male without these foods WILL die an early death. Making males reliant on these foods for sustenance is part of the female dominion conspiracy.
9. Males love the nefarious females as much as they hate them, and so cannot live without them.
10. Males must "swing the warhammer" at least 20 or so times a week or else Penis dismemberment syndrome is almost certain. Though this generally is an easy quota to meet for even the laziest of males.
11. Males didn't invent spaghetti (which the females secretly harvest from the flying spaghetti monster), or the legendary "Sandwich" and males still haven't uncovered the ancient secret of the sandwich assembly. They need females and their powerful collective consciousness to create it for them. However, females still haven't mastered the sacred art of carving a turkey, never mind the traditional still-beating Tyrannosaurus heart.
12. Males didn't have herpes, the females gave it to them.
13. Men can't produce tears because they are tough.
