HowTo:Pick up chicks

Welcome To the Wide World of Women!

Are you single? Do you want to get a girlfriend, or maybe just some head? Are you over 14 and out of the "girls have cooties" phase? Are you socially retarded, afraid of girls, or a lesbian? This is the article for you! The alternative pastime to baseball in America is picking up chicks. Picking up a chick is an undeniably complex process which is enormously different from picking up sticks. However, picking up sticks should vastly improve your chick picking up skills. For the price of nothing we will disclose to you all the greatest secrets of enticing a woman into your life...and hopefully your pants.

Hygiene and Grooming

First thing you have to do is take a good look in the mirror and evaluate yourself. If you are a slob then we got some work to do, so roll up those sleeves, because things are gonna get dirty.

• Hair - The most important place to start is your hair. We love Nirvana, but sorry grunge fans - Kurt, Chris, and especially Dave desperately needed haircuts. So keep it neat, keep it fresh, wash it and condition it. Check the internet for trendy styles. We recommend the faux-hawk.

• Face - No one can magically stop acne, but do not let it overrun your face like an unstoppable alien invasion. Try proactiv, or a prescription if that is not strong enough. Bushy, hippy beards = not attractive. Keep facial hair trimmed and neat if you must have any at all.

Have merrrcy...on the ladies and take your cues from Jesse, so you don't look like a hobo, or those guys from Band of Horses.

• Teeth - Brush your teeth, floss you teeth, and wash your dirty mouth with Listerine. Gross teeth are a major turn off for anyone and it's hard to have a conversation with someone when all you can focus on is their rotten pirate teeth.

• Body - Now you don't want to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, either the young one or the old one... They are the opposite ends of the spectrum. Find a nice, happy medium, keep in shape, but don't work out so much that your biceps stop you from reaching above your head.

• Dress - Again, grunge fans, we are deeply sorry, but flannel shirts are just not nice to look at. Find a style you like and keep your clothes clean and crisp. Possible styles include: Prep, Jock, and Urban. Goth, emo, grunge, punk, or any variations of these are not really what the ladies are looking for.

Remember to shower daily, twice if you can manage, but now you are on your way to gettin' some head ge- ge- ge- gettin' some head.

Location, location, location!

Wait a minute, where do women go? Where do I find a good one to talk to?

Well, that is the second most important part, finding a place often frequented by chicks! There are hundreds of places to find attractive women, but here are a few of our personal favorites. Always keep in mind that when you interact with the chick, remain calm and cool, because wetting yourself is never conducive to your appearance in front of a girl. Act natural, be polite, and certainly don't cuss like a fucking sizzle dick marine cock sucking drill fucking sergeant.

The Library or Barnes and Noble

"Oh, excuse me Miss... But it looks like we're reading the same book (smile warmly)."

Prime place for picking up the shy, smart girl. Now, here is the approach. Without her seeing you, try and catch a look at what book she is holding or reading. Go and find that book, note the name and author, flip to a random chapter, a little less than halfway into the book, and casually place yourself near her when you feel the time is appropriate (i.e. if she's sitting with an open seat next to her). Then, using the names you learned by flipping ahead, say "Oh I see you're reading (insert book name), just WAIT till you get to chapter 15, HA when you see what that crazy dog does!"... The next thing that will happen is determined by your ability to Bullshit, or rather, the ability to pull philosophical or intelligent conversation out of your ass. If she is smart herself, she may ask "Well, what are your feelings on the symbolistic qualities of the magnolias in chapter 5?". You're gonna need a crash course on bullshit, my friend!!! Get your cues from the keywords in her question.

• Magnolias - They're flowers. Think about flowers. They generally represent life, love, beauty, and perhaps innocence.
• Feelings - Yours, in particular. If she's a nerd, she'll like a sensitive guy in touch with his femininity, so direct your answer towards something noble, but sweet. No ugga ugga football fun! Women like pretty bullshit.

Also, take into account anything you saw in chapter 15 or wherever you flipped to... Were there flowers referenced there? Did the dog do anything that could relate back to said flowers? Was a woman mentioned or was a woman the predominant character that the flowers could have been given to? Is a description of an area with a garden given or other flowers? If all else fails, pretend you are a big fan of the author and know many aspects of his or her personal life.

The Answer

"Personally, and I'm no expert (always be modest), but my interpretation (always use sophisticated words, and remember that all big words are not necessarily sophisticated words) of the magnolias is that, in relation to the storyline, they represent the flowering of the individual characters (you don't want to sound like an über-geek, just intelligent enough so that she thinks you're above the typical caveman) and how they grow and progress. But related to (insert author name here), I find that he\she always fits flowers into his\her stories because, as you probably know (she will agree whether she knows or not), because he\she adores gardening."

When in doubt, ask her a question. "What are your feelings on the flowers?", or "Well before I answer, why do you think the author chose flowers, rather than pomegranates?" It'll confuse the shit outta her, but any "bookworm" type chick will go on about pomegranates for hours not wanting you to think shes an airhead.

"Is this seat taken? Oh it isn't! Lemme tell ya bout this time I was in Fairbanks, Alaska..."

The Mall Food Court

Our personal favorite. Go to the mall, which is already full of women, and go to the food court. Inconspicuously, walk around, checking to see if any cute girls are sitting alone. Now this part is crucial because she must be alone, not waiting for a friend to sit down, and she must be by herself. Keeping a low profile, go over when you see her take a sizeable bite. Casually ask if the seat across from her is taken. This is the genius of this method, she won't be able to answer because her mouth is full!! Now just go ahead and sit down! Start talking by introducing yourself, what you are doing there, what kinda stuff you like. She won't be able to get a word in edgewise until she finishes chewing! This can go two ways: either she picks up her things and leaves, OR you say something cute or funny, and she giggles while she's still chewing. She'll be embarrassed for laughing with food in her mouth, she won't feel so confident, and then she'll be more open to your talking to her. If she's in the right mood that day she may take a liking to you, and might even think, "Wow, this guy is actually really funny and really cute." BANG! That's why this our favorite method. You get to speak your mind with no interruptions, maybe squeeze in a cool joke, and she may give you a chance instead of seeing you and immediately judging you to be an ass (even though you probably are one).

Wingmen

Most of the time, when you go out on the town and are on the prowl, you're gonna want to travel with a wingman. Like Jake and Elwood, Tommy and Richard, Indy and Short-Round, Bert and Ernie, Forrest and Bubba, Chewbacca and Han solo, or Bush and Cheney.

Here's a few reasons why you should have a bromance:

1. Women are dangerous.
2. You can look cooler, kinder, smarter, etc. with a wingman by, taking turns playing the asshole when you talk to a girl, so comparatively she thinks, "Well, the one that keeps his racial slurs to himself isn't so bad."
3. If you get into a tight or awkward spot in your conversation with a lady, he can jump in to bridge the gap with a new subject topic.
4. Women are dangerous.

Be like these guys. But don't wear polyester plaid. They are two wild and crazy guys.

Why Bromances Go Sour

From time to time you may get pissed at your bro. You will no longer want him as a wingman. The number one reason why, is... survey says:

He is digging on the same girl you are.

You must solve this democratically and peacefully or you will might up saying "Et tu Brute?". The pick-a-dick method is the fairest way to settle the affairs of two guys liking the same girl but there must be no sore losers. Under close examination, the man who receives more flirtatious gestures, (and who is clearly liked better) will then get to try his luck with the girl. Thus, the girl picks-a-dick. The losing bro must stand tall and keep in mind that there are still plenty of other fish in the sea just waiting for a hot load.

How Not to Pick Up Chicks

• Neg a girl to tears. The Neg is an effective way to further compel a girl to going on a date with you by breaking down some barriers. Use the neg (negative compliment) sparingly and only if you have a good one.

Good - "I'm sorry, but you have the cutest overbite, you remind me of a little bunny."

Bad - "Hey you look like a whore...like a really coked up whore...but that's a good thing, because I like coked up whores."

• Introduce yourself or yourselves as "Wild and k-ra-zy guys!" It was hilarious when the pros did it and when the first 500,000 guys that saw the episode on T.V. tried it. Now, it is like beating a dead horse's grave. Always stay away from cheesy or ancient pickup lines that everybody reads on the internet.