Sir <insert name here>,
I am writing with the intention of objecting most heartily to the motion to amend the proposed articles of the policy document (Articles 27.3.b through 27.4.c and 34.a), these articles have been a great solace in times of tribulation, they have kept us warm and reminded us of what it means to be Uncyclopedian. We may not have flashy cars, or the raw efficiency of the Onion (what with their steelworks and refusal to admit THAT THEY WERE BLOODY WELL WRONG), but by gum we have the indomitable refusal to acknowledge that we are ever worse than anyone at anything, ever.
But I digress, the aformentioned articles (Articles 27.3.b through 27.4.c and 34.a) are integral to the smooth running of the Cabal, and without them I fear that we may be sunk. Why, I remember the time I was serving on the SS Der Unwehr, back in the winter of '42, on escort duty. We got stuck just off the coast of Amsterdam, engines shot you know? Anyway, the men got rather peculiar, and after a few weeks of drifting they were always retiring to their rooms with one another (to indulge in a stimulating game of Bingo or somesuch I should assume) and there were always peculiar noises emanating from the starboard torpedo tubes. Indeed, one day I passed by the tubes only to find the captain and the first mate in a state of conjugation! I was shocked!
Alas, let us return to the aforementioned matter at hand. As you may have noticed, the legal documentation (Articles 35.2.c through 67.4.f) is regarding the divorce between you and my beautiful new fiancé. Last week, when you came over to sign these articles you left the living room in such disarray I could not find the remote to the television. I finally found the remote, under Henry. I think it's great you got your motorcycle up and running. I'm happy for you, but what makes me 100% happy is now knowing, without a doubt, that I don't like you. I probably never liked you and wish to do nothing for you ever again. To think, you and I used to be such close friends! Even as I am writing this letter, it is not for you. The clothing, food and shower I provided you last week was never for you - it was for my fiancé, to make her happy. She is no longer happy with you being her husband, and I am not happy that you're still her husband either. Earlier this evening she asked if you were going to pick her up and take her for a ride. Well, I knew the answer but I didn't want to make her sad. Every time you make empty promises she cries to me. She feels like there is something wrong with her, perhaps that you are cheating on her, and that you do not really care about her anymore. And ho! Such a fine woman should never have to feel that way. So, with the proposed amendment of the articles in question (Articles 35.2.c through 67.4.f) you will no longer be her husband.
It is most heinous that we must go through these proceedings as such. Why, I remember when we served in the Home Guard together, I was looking for a sweet Belgian lass, and we ended up in the Netherlands. Operation Boston-Market they called it, though it was more like Operation Take-Some-Bloody-Bridges, I've never understood that. We were to seize seven bridges, and the first six fell easily, but we had some trouble at the 7th. I remember coming face to face with a group of Germans, and they shot "Spiffer" Peterson, provoking a number of our troops to run like bloody leopards in leotards. We escaped, but never took the bridge. It was a bridge too far, you could say.
In conclusion, I feel that the proposed amendments to the articles (Articles 35.2.c through 67.4.f) are extremely necessary, and all due consideration should be undertaken when concluding their amendment, whenever that may be. Maybe tomorrow. Thank you for trying one last time to step up and be a man about this situation, but as of late Gertrude wishes she never met you. Can you imagine the hurt she feels, can you? I hate to burst your giant ego, but if you ever considered yourself a looker, those days are long gone. You smell horrible and your toothless grill is gross! Living in a dirty, stinky old RV in a Wal-Mart parking lot with an overflowing bucket of urine? Good luck to you, my old friend, may it be everything you've ever wanted. This is a new horizon for Gertrude and I. May we finally have peace, joy, and all the happiness we deserve. Don't come by anymore, not that you do or want to, but please don't.
Best wishes and faithfully yours,
Colonel J.E. Oswald KBE, MA(ox) (retired)