Emo Man

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
I can't take the pressure of an article. I want to kill myself...

Emo Man on himself

Emo Man has high self-esteem and a healthy outlook on life.

Captain Sarcasm on Emo Man

In Soviet Russia, life threaten You

Russian Reversal on Emo Man

I certainly want to taste a bloody piece of emo meat

Oscar Wilde

Captain Emo[edit]

Theme Song[edit]

Jesse

SOB SOB SOB

boho boho

boys me fun

Super Powers[edit]

It can be hard to figure out exactly what Emo Man's powers are. It is slightly incorrect to say he is immortal: he just always manages to survive suicide attempts. Otherwise Emo Man is a pathetic, skinny loser who is timid, likes to try to kill himself, depressed guy in a silly outfit.

Emo Man has been stabbed, shot, gutted, impaled, blown-up, cut, run-over, grued, poisioned, chocked, stoned, dieted, hanged, lynched, sliced, diced, minced, pureed, eaten, melted, jumped off a cliff, beaten-up, roasted, sunburned, over-eatened, decapitated, mangled,sawed in half, and has eaten shards of glass while trying to kill himself. Usually, these attempts fail by one or more components: usually the weapon fails or something interupts him. It as been suggested that Emo Man can recover from wounds quickly, but it's more likly that he doesn't mind pain. He is also not an undead being, because what would be the point of a zombie trying to kill itself?

In his autobiography, 1,000,000 Ways To Kill Yourself, Emo Man describes with great detail his many attempts at suicide. Although they haven't worked for him, he offers them to others who want to kill themselves.

It is a little known fact that Emo Man is also a professional hitman, though he is his own most frequent client. It is commonly said he has the biggest sword around, but these reports are mistaken. It is officially a very large knife. He has a curse on his snads causing him excruciating pain each time he smiles. Most people remark on his lack of scars, but again they are mistaken. His skin consists mostly of scar tissue, hence his pallid complexion.

I'm hoping for feedback from my readers who have succeeded where I have failed...

Emo Man on his book

Typical Day in the Life of Emo Man[edit]

Emo Man is usually sad when he wakes up, and this lasts another 24 hours. After a few attempts at killinng himself, he cleans up the blood and has breakfast. Eventually he stops listening to that music and sets out on patrol. As stated, when he comes across a supervillian causing havoc, he'll threaten to kill himself. One would think "who gives a crap?"but Emo Man will try to kill himself with something nearby.

This attempt at his life would actually harbor the supervillian's plan. Like if a supervillian had a mystical Doomsday device that only has one shot, Emo Man would try to kill himself with it. Or the aftermath of his death would cause the plan to fail. Surprisingly, Emo man has stopped a number of crimes and evil schemes by threatening to kill himself. Although it is unsure if Emo Man plans out ways to kill himself that would arbor an evil plan, or if he's just doing what comes naturally.

Due to the number of times he has cut himself, Emo Man has quite the knowledge of the hum body and is a certified surgeon (although it is unsafe to have an emo surgeon opperate on you).

His costume is black with blue streaks, which supposedly "hides the bloodstains." Others think this is black and blue just because all emos wear black and Emo Man is blue.

After a day on patrol, Emo Man goes home, cuddles with his broken teddy bear for a while before fit-fully falling asleep.


Traumatic Childhood[edit]

Emo Man had a childhood almost typical of any emo that survives over the age of 18. As a young boy, his father beat him, his mother neglected him, his fat older sister ate all his food, his grandma threw rocks at him, his dog urinated on him, his cat used him as a scratching post, and his goldfish sometimes leapt the bowl and swam around in his drinking water (leaving significant droppings behind).

At school, he was bullied by everyone, even the bullied kids. Even the typical freaky kids didn't hang out with him, and the ugly girls didn't even go out with him. Hell, the ugly guys didn't want to go out with him. At recess he was buried in the sand and in gym they played "him vs everybody else" for teams. Even the janitors threw him in the dumpster a few times.

It is suggested that this childhood trauma built up his resistance to pain, which is one reason why he handles suicide attempts so well.

Failed Publications[edit]

Emo Man started out as a comic book, but failed to have more than two issues. Next, he had a TV show called "Fun Time With Emo Man!" but it was canceled when producers realized that kids shouldn't watch this.

Conclusions[edit]

Basically, Emo Man is a pitiful emo with no pity given to him.

Instead of emos cutting themselves, you cut them!(They do have awesome hair though...SHAVE THEM, THEN KILL THEM!!!!!!!!!!!)