# Eating Disorders

“BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH HACK-HACK-HACK!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Bulimia

“My wife has one of these, I think...”

~ Evil Pizza on eating disorders

“People with these have no troubles at all, and don't go crazy if I throw a chicken leg at them.”

~ Captain Sarcasm on eating disorders

“I tried to kill myself with an eating disorder once. It didn't work...”

~ Emo Man on eating disorders

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Eating Disorders.

Eating disorders are a source of hilarity for cool, non-hideous people. As of recent history, the medical community has been dealing with this problem, trying to answer the unsolvable question of why worthless fatties even bother trying to puke out their soullessness. Eating disorders are most common in America, as it has the least amount of worthy human flesh per capita. Scientists recommend that beautiful people should badger the fatties, making the world a more comfortable and humorous place for those of us who are totally awesome and worthwhile. National Eating Disorders Awareness Month is held annually in February to make people more aware of the advantages and benefits of eating disorders. Additionally, the public is educated on the most popular methods of exercise, caloric restriction, and purging, in case any aspiring anorexics or bulimics are short on ideas or inspiration.

## Anorexia

When stupid people run away screaming from anything that isn't fat-sugar-carbs-taste free.

## Shorted Mouth-Nerve

This disorder is the only one that is present from birth. Sure, people can have morbidly obese babies or stick-thin babies; but that doesn't mean they instantly have anorexia or feedeetitus. It's actually caused by a malfuction in the developing of the nerve control center of the brain. The nerves that help the brain recongnize the mouth just aren't there. Basically, people have no bloody idea that their mouths exist on their faces. They also believe that they talk through their eyes, breathe through their noses, and that moving hole on their chins is a useless part of the face. As such, they often cram food into other external body parts. Quite obviously, most are undernurished because their food has not started the first step in digestion. People afflicted with this disease must be spoon-fed by male nurses or family members. If you happen to see a girl walking down the street with a cuccumber in her ear; spaghetti in her hair; a Twinkie up her nose; a drumstick commin' out of her butt; an ice cream cone in her clevage; and/or a Subway Sub duct-taped to her back, please be a kind soul and place all of the food items into her mouth.

## Feedeetitus

Feedeetitus is something all BBWs, potential BBWs, feedees, and any overeating girl has. They either love the idea of being fat or just can't stop eating. Girls in this category have large appitites.

${\displaystyle appitite=A}$

That means they love to eat (duh!). Their style of eating can be represented by this:

${\displaystyle A^{2}+113(5A/H)=B}$

${\displaystyle hight=H}$

${\displaystyle bellybulge=B}$

As you can see, girls with this disorder eat until they are stuffed full and then eat some more. This leads to the exspansion of their bellies (or boobs) and the gainage of weight. Often times this leaves their bellies stretched and painfuly sore. To calculate belly soreness, use the following formula;

${\displaystyle BH^{3}=*S}$

${\displaystyle bellysoreness=S}$

As you can see above, this formula can only approximate belly soreness after eating. To really understand the pain girls with Feedeetitus go through, you would have to swap bodies with them and feel the pain. (this is not suggested because you'll probably get stuck in that body for all eternity and have idiots like me study you and create mathimatical formulas to explain your exsistance) However, we must remember something very important.

${\displaystyle S

So we are left with a weird question: If this expression exsists, then are girls able to continue eating with belly soreness? This ? has plagued doctors for years. Doctor Mario developed the following expression:

${\displaystyle ST=A}$

${\displaystyle time=T}$

He was trying to suggest that, after a long period of time, belly soreness would go away and this would allow the girls to eat again. This seemed credible for 23 years beause girls who stuffed themselves to the limit often would take naps. Dr. Luke Skywalker followed Doctor Mario's work and submitted a formula that explained naps.

${\displaystyle (S-A)T=2N}$

${\displaystyle naps=N}$

The 2N represented the fact that fat girls sleep twice as long as regular girls. The works of Doctor Mario and Luke seemed to have finally explained Feedeetitus. Unfortanently, scientific experiments tested these equations and found them to be void 38% of the time. Many of the feedee girls in the study diden't take naps after stuffing themselves and eventually continued to eat. How then were the girls getting rid of their belly soreness? It was a mysterious figure in the medical community who, after studying his Feedeetitus-affected wife for three years, discovered the the secret.

${\displaystyle (SH/M)^{B}=R}$

${\displaystyle handmotion=M}$

${\displaystyle bellyrub=R}$

Yes, he had discovered the belly rub! His wife, after stuffing herself with food, would rub her belly to soothe belly soreness. The equation showed that belly rubbing also stimulated digestion, which allowed for more things to be put in the stomach. This figure then applaied the belly rub to the Feedeetitus problem and got the following result:

${\displaystyle R(B^{2}+S^{3})=A}$

The medical community rejoyced with this news. When the formula was tested, scientists found that feedee-girls would pat, slap, massage, rub, and play with their belly after gorging. In fact, of the girls studied, 78% would rub their belly and 23% would nap. Scientists also discovered that it didn't even matter who submitted the belly rub. Wearing radioactive suits, scientists enetered the testing site and began to rub the bloated bellies of the girls. Much to their surprise, this incouraged the girls to eat more because they then didn't have to stop eating to soothe their bellies. The scientists also found out that it was fun to play with a feedee-girl's belly (some of the scientists were never seen again). Celebrate the anniversary of this discovery (which is the June 9th) by playing with a feedee-girl's gut today!

## OscarWildeSyndrome

This is a very rare eating disorder, but on of the simplest to explain. Basically, paitents with this disorder strive themselves to weigh exactly the same as Oscar Wilde. First known patient? Oscar Wilde (or he's the source of the disease. I'm not entirely sure; I always get the two mixed up). But does anyone know how much pounds or kilograms Oscar Wilde weighs?

## American Psychiatric Association and DSM Pica

Although Pica is deemed eating disorder according to American Psychiatric Association (commonly known as American Lunatic Association), those psychiatrists secretly practice DSM Pica as a part of their qualification exam that the participants are required to eat nothing but DSM during the exam and are not allowed to answer the paper until the book is eaten. This dirty secret was discovered by American Pseudo-patient Association and published in their DSM-T of therapists' mental disorder.