Psychiatrist

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Psychiatrists or Fellow Colleagues of Hannibal Lecter are false doctors, No PhD, that aim to torture rather than fix your problems. They were raised with total bullshit so that they aim to improve their diet by seeking exotic food like human flesh. That's why most of them are excellent cooks but they never cook good stuff for you. Furthermore, their poor diet have lead to retardation that most of them cannot understand basic mathematics and quantum mechanics so that they have to be pseudoscientists. They boast like real doctors that they know well about some special chemicals, most with carbon atoms of normal medications replaced randomly, but if asked about basic physical/chemical property like mp/bp, molar mass, structure or reactivity, they will be petrified then confess reluctantly with bitter resentment that they don't know the shit about nature science. They claim their DSM is statistical and multi-axes but they're actually too retarded to even comprehend calculus or matrix. What they know only is thou shalt love Freud and thy parents.

History[edit]

Hammilcar Barca lost the First Punic War because of Roman doctors called psychos (translated as psychiatrists) who sabotaged the water sources and made Carthaginians mental. He demanded his son Hannibal took an oath that he would never be a friend of shrinks. Hannibal did it and spent his whole life as an antipsychiatrist but was nearly thrown into Roman asylums like his fellow compatriots, who were eaten after death. The Romans conquered the western world by prescribing drugs, and this tradition survived up to only a few centuries ago that enemies and dissenters should be dosed-up and thrown into asylums if possible, so there would be abundant food for the lions. It later developed into a BDSM subculture of the ruling class. Centuries ago some real doctors felt nauseated about this barbarous tradition, so they disguised themselves as psychiatrists trying to reform the system from within. There has been little progress since, so American Lunatic Association are still publishing their B-DSM guide today.

Why are they psychiatrists?[edit]

Psychiatrists take drugs more often that you think! DSM is one of their favourite!

Today's modern psychiatrists began as failures fresh out of school who are bad at math, physics and chemistry, but have adequate grades in human biology. Some people do become psychiatrists for other reasons: some of them like poop meals, some like narcotics, and others like human flesh. Anyway they're oral acquisitive, and they think others are too. Psychiatric students are then admitted to special school/colleges. To express their "counterphobia" of physics, they deliberately choose the sign of wave function Ψ, and try to make their psi omnipresent as wave functions. (I really don't give a toss.) On the first day of their admission, they take a slightly revised Hippocratic Oath which begins "First do no harm, unless you can manage to get away with it". After that they join a Freudian Cult which is preaching lust, medicine abuse and psychopathy. They regularly receive disulfide morphine (DSM) to help them "meditate" to receive instructions from Shoko Asahara the spirit of Aum Cult. Before graduation they must pass an exam aiding Aum Cult torture by way of sodium thiopental injection. If they can complete the torture test, they will receive an official certificate and license to kill.

What do they do?[edit]

A psychiatrist enjoying music after a meal of human flesh

Psychiatrist are doing all sadistic things they can come up with! A second level one often messes up your brain with his cooking so that you will have poorer school/work performance than him. The first level ones cook you into their meals--first your tears, then your brain and your saliva, finally your meat. They are strictly parasites who feed on people's bank accounts, sufferings and integrity of minds. But anyway, they're true artists, so aesthetic that they always find the beauty of destruction: nothing is purest till it's destroyed. For them, nature science means nothing but S--entropy, Entropy, EEENTROOOPYYYYYYYYYY! (No long-waited loud boom.) Heed the whisper of destruction: a man is being lobotomized!

Nine out of ten psychiatrists prefer drugs to sadism. Dr. Timothy F. Leary, Ph.D is the founder of high-psychotherapy that hold parties for both patients and psychiatrists to share together addictive stuff like LSD, weeds, video games, nonsense, Uncyclopedia, etc. This make both of side happy without apparent violence ubiquitous in traditional therapies. Patients are often referred to drug dealers for further treatment.

When you meet one[edit]

A shrink at your front door[edit]

There's a psychiatrist on your lawn.

“When a psychiatrist appears just do nothing but wait as he comes closer. You win when he enters your house. ”

~ this note is from government.

The shrink is going to commit you, even if (s)he is your parent, your husband/wife, your son/daughter, etc. Whenever a shrink appears, to arms!

  1. Block the way to your door with plants first; and
  2. Bar the door if (s)he gets closer;
  3. Throw out cherries, peppers etc;
  4. Throw out brains from whatever animals you can find; and
  5. Escape from back yard.

When you go to the shrinks[edit]

A typical appointment note from a psychiatrist
Some shrinks realize their dopamine receptors are inhibited by food, so they put this in and on the door to their office: 'Don't feed a psychiatrist in zoo'. Oops, they didn't fully modify the caption did they?
  • Feed them: A fed psychiatrist has little desire for your brain. Just make the appointment right after meal time and make sure they cannot resist your bribe.
  • Bring a DSM with you: DSM makes them nauseated, that's why they never place one before themselves when seeing their preys. If you bring one they will let you go safe and sound as their stomachs urge them to do so.
  • Never bring books related to science: They're obligatory pseudoscientists; the mere sight of real science makes them uncontrollably wrathful. They will possibly commit you or lobotomize you in their office and see if you can do your scientific work ever again!
  • Never show willingness to talk: They're lustful Freudians. If you open up to them they will make the relationship long enough to make your bank account absolute zero and your body a BDSM toy.
  • Never accept their offer of "sweet-talk": Such tactics are designed to kill your brain.

For hardcores only:

  • Give them your self-diagnosis: Remember, use outdated or non-acknowledged ones only, such as sluggish schizophrenia. They will think twice before any action facing a possible Hannibal Lecter.
  • Diagnose THEM for a change: Psychiatrists are basically sadistic and/or with other relevant disorders. Do it when they show signs of manipulation: 'You're diagnosed sadistic personality disorder (or delusional disorder if their words do not make sense), 300.90 (or 297.10).' They will probably feel devastated and complain to their own therapists how they were humiliated.

Dr Lecter only

  • Eat the shrink: 'I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.'
  • Have them eat themselves: feed'em their brains!

Their worst enemies[edit]

  • Schrödinger: €rwin fended off shrinks when he was in sanitarium for TB. He simply told them that, according to the uncertainty principle, bacteria could penetrate the masks their wore and they'd be both healthy and infected. Form that day no shrink ever dared to get near that sanitarium.
  • John F. Nash: Nash was committed for discussion of math before a professor from psychiatric department. The professor was so angry that he ordered Nash incarcerated. Accidentally, the shrinks discovered Nash was a government spy during torture. Nash escaped with the help of department of defense and hid in library corner full of math books to scare psychiatrists off.
  • Wallace Carothers: Carothers was envied by psychiatrists so them complained about the smell from his lab. The shrinks did their best to make him depressed and so they did. However, Carothers used cyanide to silenced them once and for all.
  • Patients named Hannibal: Hannibal Barca was the first recorded antipsychiatrist leading the earliest antipsychiatric movement. Centuries later another Hannibal came to hunt psychiatrists down and cooked them into tasty dishes , including a moron called Dr Chilton.
  • You: you are more creative than me I am sure.
  • Slugs: Avengers of slugging schizophrenics, intruders of shrinks’ backyards that cause them stomachache and feed on their vomit. They cannot call police for it.

See also[edit]