Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

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The Total Bullshit Manual of Mental Disorders (TBM) is a book of bullshit from the American Lunatic Association who insist it be referred to as the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders instead, or by the abbreviation DSM, or by an abbreviation which also shows the version being referred to, e.g. DSM-V DSM-5 when referring to the next version due out in May 2012 2013 after they have had adequate time to think up plenty more bullshit to put into this major update. However, as nobody outside the American Lunatic Association gives a toss what they tell us to call it as they are clearly insane, most people prefer to call it the Total Bullshit Manual of Mental Disorders or just refer to it by the abbreviation TBM, or TBM-IV-TR when specifically referring to the current version.

The next version was going to be due out in May 2012 but soon after the creation of the earliest version of this article, a few dumbasses from the American Lunatic Association read it. This was soon followed by a (quite predictable) incident involving a failed attempt to escape from a wet paper bag and it resulted in them having to make an emergency press release on December 10, 2009 stating that the intended release date is being set back a year to May 2013. It was to be called the TBM-V, following the tradition since 1952 of numbering each version of the TBM with Roman numerals, but the dumbasses can't actually read Roman numerals and they get all confused, so the TBM-V shall now be known as the the TBM-5 instead. Dumbasses!

American Lunatic Association[edit]

The American Lunatic Association is a group of lunatics with delusions of grandeur which causes themselves to feel eminently qualified to diagnose mental disorders. They are best known for writing the Total Bullshit Manual of Mental Disorders (TBM) which they insist be called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). They are also well known for their collective inability to diagnose their way out of a wet paper bag and to supply any meaningful statistics on the number of times a wet paper bag has defeated their best efforts.

History of the TBM[edit]

This world-renowned manual of bullshit has over half a century of history having gone though numerous revisions over the years. It all started with the first edition in 1952 and the world has been enduring its incessant bullshit ever since.

  • TBM-I First Edition: the bullshit springs to life and included classic disorders such as Non-Male Genatalia Disorder (otherwise known as Being Female) (1952)
  • TBM-I Special Supplement: plans to suck up to the International Classification of Diseases (1965)
  • TBM-II Second Edition (1968)
  • TBM-II Second Edition, sixth printing. Half-assed proposed change to declare homosexuals officially no longer insane (1973)
  • TBM-II Second Edition, seventh printing. Motion carried, so now homosexuals are officially no longer insane, except those with sexual orientation disturbance (1974)
  • TBM-III Third Edition (1980)
  • TBM-III-R Third Edition - Revised. Trichotillomania added to diagnose those unfortunate individuals who had suffered the misfortune of reading any earlier version of the TBM (1987)
  • TBM-IV Fourth Edition (1994)
  • TBM-IV-TR Fourth Edition - Text Revision (2000)

Homosexuality in the TBM[edit]

The following table shows how the TBM's opinion of the sanity/insanity status of homosexuals has changed over the years and that the limp-wristed somehow managed to achieve sanity years before the closeted:

TBM VersionYearsClosetedLimp-wristedNotes
[No TBM yet] Before 1952 Unknown Unknown No TBM yet, so sanity/insanity can't be ascertained
TBM-I 1952-1968 Insane Insane All homosexuals insane
TBM-II, before 6th printing 1968-1973 Insane Insane All homosexuals still insane
TBM-II, 6th printing 1973-1974 Insane Unsure Limp-wristed homosexuals may be becoming sane, but no one seems quite sure. Closeted homosexuals still insane
TBM-II, from 7th printing 1974-1980 Insane Sane Only closeted homosexuals remain insane
TBM-III 1980-1987 Sane Sane All homosexuals are now sane
TBM-III-R 1987-1994 Sane Sane
TBM-IV 1994-2000 Sane Sane
TBM-IV-TR 2000-[est. 2013] Sane Sane

Future of the TBM[edit]

The Fifth Edition of the TBM, the TBM-V TBM-5, is due out in May 2012 2013 to replace the current TBM-IV-TR. Proposed new bullshit for TBM-V TBM-5 diagnoses include the following:

Multi-axial system[edit]

The TBM-IV organizes each psychiatric diagnosis into five levels (axes) relating to different aspects of disorder or disability:

  • Axis I: Clinical Bullshit, including Major Asshole disorders, and bullshit learning disorders
  • Axis II: Personality disorders and Retards
  • Axis III: Medical Disorders and physical deformations
  • Axis IV: Paranoia and environmental factors contributing to the disorder
  • Axis V: The bit where you get to blame it on anyone but the patient

Common Axis I disorders include Post-traumatic embitterment disorder, Sluggish cognitive tempo, and Schizophrenia.

Common Axis II disorders include personality disorders: Non-Male Inferiority Complex, Relational disorder, Absexual, Loser Attracting Reality Psychosis, Self-inflicted Attention Deficit Disorder, Absexual, Christians and retards.

Common Axis III disorders include brain injuries and other medical/physical disorders which may aggravate existing diseases or present symptoms similar to other disorders. It also includes Ritual burning of TBM disorder and Anal insertion of TBM disorder.

Ritual burning of the TBM in Great Britain and a few other countries[edit]

Despite being an American publication the TBM is very popular in Great Britain. An interesting curiosity is that sales reach a peak every year in late October and early November before a sudden and substantial reduction in sales every 6th November. This is because of the British tradition of Bonfire Night (Guy Fawkes Night) on 5th November where the British people celebrate the Gunpowder Plot of 1605 in which Guy Fawkes and others valiantly attempted to blow the Houses of Parliament in London to smithereens; the TBM being known to make an excellent firelighter for a bonfire. A huge pile of TBMs can actually be used to build a great bonfire, albeit a ridiculously expensive one unless the pile of TBMs were pinched.

Paraphilias in the TBM[edit]

A few paraphilias are listed in the TBM, though sadly the most entertaining ones including coprophilia, ursusagalmatophilia, vampirism and vorarephilia seem to be missing from the list and so will just have to make do with being lumped together under 302.9 Paraphilia Not Otherwise Specified. If only the TBM didn't totally suck, these and many other paraphilias could have their own categories.

In the late 60's and early 70's gay rights groups complained about the American Lunatic Association listing homosexuality as a mental disorder in the TBM. The American Lunatic Association ignored the complaints for a number of years until they found their head office being repeatedly picketed by gays waving banners, chanting slogans and doing rather a lot of silly prancing and mincing. This became so irritating to many members of the American Lunatic Association that in 1973, on the sixth printing of the TBM-II, they gave in and homosexuality was proposed for removal as a mental disorder, but as the lunatics in the American Lunatic Association are psychologically unable to remove one thing without replacing it with another, homosexuality was proposed to be replaced with some bullshit called sexual orientation disturbance. This proposal for change was later carried and the change was made in the seventh printing in 1974.

Paraphilic abuse of the TBM itself[edit]

No version of the TBM has ever yet mentioned the possible issue of any paraphilic abuse of the TBM itself. The TBM-V TBM-5 isn't due for release until 2012 2013 but anal insertion of TBM disorder has been suggested as a paraphilic disorder related to the abuse of the TBM itself to be included in the TBM-V TBM-5. Ritual burning of TBM disorder has also been suggested for inclusion to the TBM-V TBM-5 with some arguing that the existing TBM-IV disorder of 312.33 Pyromania implicitly covers ritual burning of TBM disorder, others arguing for a separate subcategory for this new disorder, yet others arguing that this is purely a cultural issue and therefore not a disorder.

General uses of the TBM[edit]

  • Contrary to popular myth the TBM doesn't make great toilet paper. Although it can be used as such, real toilet paper is much softer and a far better wipe. Individuals who have a strong desire to wipe with the TBM yet also desiring the softness of real toilet paper will just have to find an online copy and print it onto toilet paper. The printer might not appreciate the abuse though.
  • Papier-mâché.
  • Can be torn up, left to soak in water and then crushed into paper bricks, which are a useful alternative to coal or wood as fuel for burning.
  • Can be strapped to the bottom of your shoes to give others the impression of being taller, especially useful if your name happens to be Nicolas Sarkozy.
  • Can be tied to a dog's lead and taken for walks for research purposes, such as to find out how people will react and/or how long it takes to get arrested.
  • Can be opened and worn on the head to keep the rain off when no umbrella is available.
  • Can be visibly carried by sociopaths to appear more convincing when masquerading as psychiatrists.
  • Can be torn up and placed on spilled liquid to help soak it up.
  • Can be torn up and used to line a cat's litter tray.
  • Can be eaten to alleviate hunger pain during a famine.
  • Can be strapped to the chest as a primitive alternative to a bullet-proof jacket when one isn't available and the wearer assumes that an assassin will always aim for the heart.

Criminal uses of the TBM[edit]

  • Arson, e.g. by setting fire to it and using the burning TBM to set fire to some place.
  • Assault, e.g. by hitting someone with it. Remember to carry one and bruise your shrink's face with it.
  • Murder, e.g. by dropping it from a tremendous height onto someone's head. Due to problems of accuracy this is only likely to be practical if dropping it onto a crowd and the murderer doesn't much care who the victim is.
  • Vandalism, e.g. by throwing it through a window.
  • Fraud, e.g. by replacing the cover with the cover of something worth reading then selling it under false pretences.

See also[edit]

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Therapist-Related Disorders