Mirror neurons
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“The only thing worse that being a neuron, my dear, is not being a neuron. You know - like a mirror neuron? It's like in a mirror? Look, just forget it. Asshole. ”
“In Soviet Brain, Neuron Mirrors You!”
Introduction[edit | edit source]
Mirror neurons are the dark and evil twins of this universe's neurons. They can be identified by their beard-like cellular protruberances, the anti-clockwise turn on their chromosomes, and a fiendish ability to laugh. Fiendishly. Without mouths.
Mirror Neurons and the Mirror Universe[edit | edit source]
After the discovery of the mirror universe by noted pedarast and tap-dancer Lewis Carrol in 1800, the existence of mirror neurons was postulated, discussed, theorized about, and finally dismissed by the League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen, who oversaw all scientific progress until the founding of scientology by Aristotle in the mid twentieth century. Some secretly believe that it may be possible to directly link the founding of the first church of scientology to the discovery of mirror neurons; sadly, they're wrong, and should be hit with hammers. It would take until the 1960s, a period of great change on Earth, for the truth to be known.
The Mirror Universe Has Neurons. They're Called Mirror Neurons[edit | edit source]
After a press conference by Captain Kirk - summoned to the 20th century by Dr. Sam Beckett, trapped in the body of Doctor Phil - the true danger of the mirror universe was revealed. Unbeknownst to all, across the vast gulf of space, minds measurably more superior to our own watched mankind get up, go to a soul-crushing job, watch cable, and masturbate. This is thought to explain why, in all of the extant galactic civilizations, only mankind developed the 'TV'.
Kirk's press conference centered on three main points:
a) Why, couldn't we, get another, series?
b) It, was all, real. Except the tribbles
and
c) Heather! I Love You! Be my little TeeJay Hooksie-Pooksie!
Luckily, Albert Einstein, acting under direct orders from Galactic Civilization 5 (where he would be born in 4.3 quanzillion years as a cockroach-like Samzanite), managed to decode Kirk's frantic toupee movements into something resembling language. The message, encoded into the actor's follicles in case of torture, told Einstein everything he already knew. And more. There was another universe, out there. And it was like ours. But backwards. With Neurons.
Do I have to fucking spell it out? Another Universe. M-I-R-R-O-R. Backwards Neurons. You've driven in Europe, right?[edit | edit source]
The discovery prompted major new theories in quantum ergonomics and architectural siesmology. Sadly, no one understood them. The major effect of Kirk's press conference was an increase in 80s cop show VHS rentals, coupled with the near absolute disappearance of a minor hollywood starlet. Yet in our universe, neurologistas were worried. After the great neuron wars of the late 1800s, it was believer that the mirror neurons may somehow cross into our world, using the defeated moron empire as a bridge. Fuck knows how, though. People were stupid back then. Obviously.
Snoruen, dna eht ytirap sraw[edit | edit source]
Yet the mirror neurons were merely biding their time, innocently absorbing ions from their etirdends and espanyses, planning their great attack on our fledgling land. Luckily for us, it is only possible for organic matter to pass through a mirror five times before the passage between dimensions is irrevicably sealed. If Lewis Carrol had managed to pack his lunch that day, we might not have been spared, but luckily the hapless nonce used up all the possible journeys. The mirror neurons tried to build amalgams of flesh and metal that they called grobycs to pass into our domain, but it was a crap effort.
The so-called parity wars would be fought in the battleplace of the extracellular space, reported using smart neurotransmitters and embedded proteins. Unfortunately for history, no-one noticed that the war was actually being fought, and had it not been for the spontaneous handedness reversal and beard-spouting of the entire population of a small village outside Kiddiminster, the war would have gone unreported. This early beach-head in our universe was luckily contained after the sustained napalming of the entire Kiddiminster region, led by General David Lynch. Lynch had been acting under deep cover as a yogurt-eating director of strangely successful movies starring Kylie McLachlan. Only three men - the President, the Defense Secretary, and Harvey Keitel - knew of his real role, to subvert the medium of liberal film-making by subterfuge and excessive backwards dwarf usage. After their deaths, Lynch went rogue, directing The Straight Story and I'm In Your House. Call Me. NOW! BITCH! as a post-modern riposte to something. He is currently at large in the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, he survives as a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire...THE L-TEAM.
Other, Minor, Mirror Neuron Theories[edit | edit source]
Much like that evolution idea/opinion/devil-seed creed, many different theories have been suggested that may account for the mirror neuron problem. One, known in haberdashery circles as the Queer Neuron for the Straight Synapse theory, states that a mirror neuron is merely a neuron within our own universe that suffers from total gay-ass vanity. Unlike other neurons, who enjoy shopping and philosophy in equal measures, mirror neurons prefer to spend inordinate stretches of time staring at their reflections, often asking if they are the fairest of them all, using the mirrors to visit other dimensions see mirror, again, or merely examining the trimmed nature of their beards.
Sadly, none of this ideal speculation will help the char-grilled corpses of Kiddiminster. Please, observe the one-minute non-mirror-look this august 16th and remember these innocent casulaties, who might have reaked immeasurable damage if they'd been able to use manual tools properly.
Links[edit | edit source]
- neuron
- brain