Zombies
Zombies are an improved form of human that are often found engaging in mindless consumerism, discussions about American Idol, neoconservatism and the consumption of brains or raping and mutilating other motherfucking human beings. Although technically undead, zombies can still function relatively well in society by taking on odd jobs such as President of the United States, television game show hosts, grave diggers, and fancy rave club DJs. The first zombie ever recorded is thought to have been Donnie Osmond, but there is much debate and controversy on the topic with some experts claiming that the first recorded zombie may very well have been Mr. Fuckout.
Initially, the reaction of most living people was to shoot and/or burn zombies on sight, but eventually a tense truce was reached between the two groups and zombies are now allowed to live a relatively normal existence. While the death toll attributed to zombies has been increasing in recent years, most consider it to be balanced out since those who are killed by zombies usually become zombies themselves, thus adding to the zombie workforce. Since zombies only require human brains to exist, food supplies and other resources are greatly preserved, and human brains are relatively easy to acquire by simply harvesting the young children of Third World countries, or other undesirables such as intellectuals, teachers, motor vehicle division clerks, and Republicans.
Zombies are excellent household pets, as they will eat the brains of any intruders. This puts them in high demand, but, due to the fact there aren't many zombies around, they are becoming increasingly expensive, giving new meaning to the expression "costing an arm and a leg". Zombies enjoy urban environments, but they don't mind rural locations either. They are incredibly intelligent, although they don't like to talk much. Some of the amazing discoveries found by undead scientists include:
- The cure for Folk Music
- The secret of the photocopier
- Dinosaur resurrection
- Cyanide
- The exquisite taste of brains
- Krokodil, the curse of Russia
Zombies are the least friendly creatures in the world, next to kittens. if you meet a zombie, give him or her a big big chunk of C4! If they don't blow up shoot them with a shotgun, laugh, and take a shower. In the unlikely event you stumble upon a zombie AND a kitten, just pull out your machete, get nice and close to the zombie, and slice that fucker's head off. As for the kitten, no human will stand a chance unless they find a way to remove the creature's soul from its body. (See kitten huffing.)
Zombies are also notorious ragequitters, who google the home of whoever they played online and EAT THEIR FUCKING BRAINS! Ahem, sorry ...
Taxonomy
Zombies are really the living victims of voodoo priests, but since everyone calls rotting undead zombies lately, what the hell. It is important to be able to tell a zombie from other kinds of undead.
- Zombie Reanimated artificially by blood contamination. Typically in an advanced state of decay. Very slow and clumsy. Eats the living. Number of zombies needed to kill 7 teenagers: 1,000.
- Frankenstein Reanimated artificially by mad scientist. Immune to decay. Green in color, even in black and white photographs. Very powerful. Sometimes has sex with the living but does not eat them. Number of Frankensteins needed to kill 1,000 villagers: 1.
- Revenant vampire Similar to zombie in every way except it is more particular about what it consumes, avoiding eating and only drinking blood. Number of revenant vampires needed to kill a puppy: 10.
- Muscled skeleton Most skeletons are easily distinguished due to their nearly complete decay, but the muscled skeleton can be tricky. They suffer selective decay, sometimes affecting only the face. Reanimated by evil magic. Possess great physical power but are invariably surrounded by even more powerful opponents. Does not eat the living but laughs at and plots against them regularly. Best known example: Skeletor. Number of muscled skeletons needed to defeat an unhuffed kitten: 100 billion, and it probably won't even work then.
- Mummy Reanimated by ancient curse. Usually dry but fairly well preserved. Often tries to disguise itself by removing bandages. Doesn't eat anything, simply kills or curses the living. Number of mummies needed to curse 7 archaeologists: 3.
- Zombie-werewolf Werewolves are rarely mistaken for zombies, but it is possible for a zombie to be simultaneously afflicted with lycanthropy and become a zombiewolf. These are like zombies in all ways, except at the full moon when they turn from slow, rotting, stupid, weak shuffling things into vicious, agile, fast, big and dangerous wolves. Number of zombiewolves needed to kill 7 teenagers: 1,000, except at the full moon when only one is needed, and it will usually find the other teenagers too.
- Werezombie Not to be confused with zombiewolves, the werezombie is a normal person who turns into a slow, stupid, rotting, undead zombie when the moon is full. Since they are not normally undead, they usually bleed to death as soon as their first zombie episode ends. Only with prompt, close medical attention can a werezombie survive returning to human form minus a limb or two, much of their flesh, and a bad case of gangrene. No werezombie has ever survived more than five months. Number of werezombies needed to kill 7 teenagers: 7, except during or shortly after their zombie episode, when 10,000 are required.
- Nazi zombie These are exactly like the normal, reanimated corpse, but they have a strong disposition to eat specifically Jewish flesh. Simulated assaults of these hoards can be taken from the Activision game Call of Duty: World at War. Though they have a draw to Jewish flesh, do not approach even if you are not of Jewish descent. They are still zombies and will feed on any flesh available.
Origins
The origin of zombies is disputed, the most common speculation is that in 1825 Bob had made the first zombie. ever since that it has been known that hobos, also known as persons-whom-enjoy-sleeping-on-park-benches-and-drinking-alcohol, often mutate into zombies. Some speculate that zombies were stumbled upon by a group of scientists who began experimenting on Rage infected monkeys, and 28 days later caught the disease themselves. A doctor Fritz Yargenheimenschvagen in New York speculated that zombies were originally Michael Jackson's clones, which were made to feed the zombies in Thriller, as he spotted several of the decaying Jackson lookalikes breaking through a doorway while having a pint at the local bar "The Winchester", but it turned out he had actually reached this conclusion through delusion, as it was spawned from a nightmare created after a night when drunk in which Stemblinheimer watched Shaun of the Dead while listening to Thriller numerous times in an intoxicated, as he referred to it then, "zombieness binge". Others claim that they were created by the U.S. government for a weapon against Venezuela (shut the fuckers up already). Also, there is a rumor going around that a team of archaeologists discovered a 24th chromosome in an ancient corpse found in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. They tested a serum made with the 24th chromosome on serial killers, disgruntled post office employees and various bums, thus creating the Z.O.M.B.I.E. (zoetic-odible-maliferous-bathmistic-ignotistic-exanimates). Look them up, they all mean something. (Would I lie to you?) Still others, mostly among demons and atheists, use the bible to not only strike a blow at the Pope, but also at zombies in general. However they originated, zombies have begun to run rampant in our society, often concealing themselves with guises of hobos, celebrities, and drugies.
No room
Zombies are driven by an insatiable lust to eat the flesh of the living that many presume originates from Hell or Narnia. The currently accepted theory states that they walk the Earth because there is simply no more room left in Hell; this was a result of the "No More Room In Hell Act" of 1662 wherein Satan outlawed further immigration into Hell because of "those damn dirty Americans" stealing all of the good jobs there and putting immense stress on the demonic economy. As Heaven also began refusing souls this forced the undead to wander forever in torment in the streets and alleys of ordinary society. Where we now have to deal with them. Great.
Biblical explanation
Captain Obvious, captain of the Obvious Institute of Obviousness, says: "When Jesus was crucified, God had two choices: either resurrect his son using boring old divine powers or use some imagination, dinosaur plasters, a box of gummy worms, and a leftover box of innards to make a zombie. As God was never that much of a decision maker, he decided to do both. 'Bam,' he said. 'I give you Radioactive Jesus!'"
As a matter of fact, Brains 3:16 in The Bible: Uncut clearly tells us how Jesus emerged from his second-last eternal resting place, craving brains and covered in Barney-the-dinosaur plasters.
“And yea did the holy rock budge, not once, not twice, but thrice. Thus the Lord Jesus said: ‘A little help?’ And His loving flock of human-sheep-mutants did stumbleth over each other, and many orphan children, and together shifted the rock from its place, and it was a mighty task indeed. And when it was done, the Lord Jesus emerged from His tomb in all His glory and sayeth: ‘Oh ye faithful ones, bestow unto Me thy brains, that I might feast upon them, for I grow hungry for such delicacy!’ Upon which the Lord stepped forward, and stumbleth on an orphan child. The Lord looked down and surveyed the child, and all proclaimed the child was blessed, and the Lord Jesus picked up the child, and [CENSORED FOR THE GOOD OF INNOCENT LITTLE CHRISTIAN CHILDREN].”
– Zombies
Sadly the entry ends here, but we can get the gist of what happened next.
God himself, during a rare moment of divine, all-powerful, superbeing ruler of the Universe-ishness humility, claims responsibility for the existence of zombies. Apparently, God himself was a child once, the accidental love-child of Microsoft and IBM, and he did like to experiment. One day, Human Experiment #666,666,666,666,666,666, converted into a grotesque, brain-dead abomination through overuse of steroid and being fed too much crap, escaped from his hamster cage in the exercise wheel which had been modified into a getaway vehicle. It just so happened that on that very same day, God's holy whacking club was stolen by his evil twin brother, Satan. And so it was that God could only watch in mortification as Homo Sapiens-not-so-Sapiens ran into the forest and spread about his hideous, abominable ways to the rest of mankind, thus resulting in the current zombie epidemic. The end.
Of this section.
Zombie Apocalypse
Unlike the events depicted in the accurate epic war dramas "Dawn of the Dead" and "Night of the Living Dead" as well the sequels, the event known as the "Zombie Apocalypse" or the "Great Zombie Holocaust" was predicted by Father Conroy Davis Smith in 1972 and is set to happen in the infamous year of 1848, under the Paris Commune. As opposed to common belief, it will not involve a zombie attack upon the living, and consequential zombification of mankind, but rather a time when all zombies will suddenly come back to death ... Or become un-undead, all at the same time.
Zombie gene mathematicians have recently found out a complicated algorithm supporting this prediction, which can be translated into:
If ...
Living person + Death + Zombification = Undead
So ...
Undead + Life = Death!
(As if A + B = C, then C - B = A, or something like that)
Types
There are seven subspecies of zombies to be found: the dancing zombies, the tamed zombie, the piranha babies, the feral zombie, the astro zombie, the GOP zombie, and Rob Zombie.
- Dancing zombies, mentioned above, tend to moonwalk toward their victims.
- The tamed zombie is usually created in a controlled environment, where an undesirable person such as a toddler, your mom, nag, or pesky neighbor is placed in a tank with a zombie that is near re-death. The zombie strides over to the person, carefully cracks open their skull with butter-knife, and eats their brain with a knife, fork and neckerchief. Simple as that. The zombie is created. The reanimated corpse the goes through an intensive regime of S&M too show it who the boss is.
- Feral zombies are created in much the same way, except there is no tank and no butter-knife, and no civilized accessories. Feral zombies leap savagely upon the victim, maul them with their teeth, rip off their head with their bare hands, smash it against the floor until it cracks open and devour the brains hungrily, all the while making a rather disgusting animal-like noise that resembles that of the Crazy Cat Lady from The Simpsons.
- Astro zombies, under the leadership of Glenn Danzig, were sent to rape and pillage the land circa 1980. Their prime directive: exterminate the whole human race.
- Piranha babies. By tossing the cutest of babies into a pool filled with electrified mouse parts, a piranha (zombie) baby will be created, and will instantly sense other piranha babies to form a hunting pack with. Through their powers of levitation and spine tooth filled mouths, the piranha babies can strip the flesh from a living human in less than 12 nanoseconds.
Other classifications of zombies include:
- Teacher zombies: "NO BRRRAAAAIIINNNNSSSS!!!!"
- Street magic zombies: "David BLLLAAAAAIIIIIINNN!!!!"
- Billy Mays zombies: "STTAAAIIIINNNNNSSSSSS!!!!!!!"
- Normal teen zombies: "GGGAAAAMMMMMEEEEESSSS!!!!!!!"
- Asian (Filipino to be exact) zombies: "DDDDOOOOOTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"
- Jejemon zombies: "JEJEJEJEJEJE!!!!!"
- Glenn Quagmire as a zombie: "Giiigggiiiiddddyyyy!!!"
- Dominatrix zombie (female): "PPPAAAAIIIINNNN!!!!
Fast zombies
“I ... I call Zombie Bullshit, you know? I mean, zombies can't run this fast. Sheesh! They're practicably Olympic runners for christs sake.”
Although, not much is known about fast zombies ... HOLY CRAP!!!! HERE THEY COME!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHRRRGGGHHGHGHGH!!! *gunshots* *more gunshots* DIIIEEEEE!!! *panting* Okay sorry about that.
Anyway, fast zombies, while they seem very unlikely that zombies can run, even more unlikely since they can only move faster than a slow shuffle, or Michael Jackson's famous dance. But fast zombies have been seen before. See Left 4 Dead for more info.
Civil rights
Recently, the civil rights of zombies have become a flash point issue in many communities. Perhaps the most vocal and noteworthy leader of the pro-zombie civil rights movement is George Romero, who, although not a zombie himself, is rumored to be undead nevertheless. His lawyer stringently denied these rumors, and Mr. Romero himself added 'I vant to suck your blood!' Mr. Romero feels that zombies are marginalized by normal society and that eating human brains should maybe not be limited to just zombies. As of 2009, Romero hopes to open a zombie museum displaying works of zombie art, zombie music, zombie and the unveiling of the first, fresh human brain vending machine.
Roe v. Wade II
Romero also is also a strong supporter of Wade's position in the brewing Supreme Court case, Roe v. Wade II.
Yes, Wade died. Norma McCorvey (AKA Jane Roe), however is still alive and has changed her stance on the first Roe v. Wade.
Henry Wade brought charges against McCorvey for stealing his firearm. The event in question began like this: Wade was on a midnight snack run, looking for a tasty brain with which to satisfy his late-night cravings. He came across a young child named Billy Doe playing in the street. Wade, naturally, went on to eat out Billy's brain. Billy's mother, Jane Doe, came outside looking for Billy, and to her dismay saw that her son was dead. In a lapse of thought, she screamed and attacked Wane. In the ensuing tussle, Jane was infected and, left alone, would have turned into a zombie. Wade took out his legally purchased and registered revolver and was about to end the transformation. This is where the defendant McCorvey was walking by and decided to intervene. Her claim is that all life is sacred and should be protected, including unlife. Wade insists that those still in transformation should not be considered intelligent beings and when they aren't wanted by their creators, it is the creator's right to kill the un-undead. The matter is being savagely debated in all political venues, and is so hotly contested that fist fights have broken out between the Supreme Court Justices.
On an unrelated note, Jane Doe, who completed her transformation, ripped 3,741 humans limb from limb to date, and has fed on the brains of an additional 468 people. Psychologists believe that her unprecedented killing rate is partially due to feelings of abandonment toward Wade.
Suffrage
Currently, the only country that allows zombies to vote is North Korea. This fact combined with the fact that North Korea does not hold elections tends to confuse the citizens of other countries. Buuuutttt ... We won't dwell on that. North Korean Chairman of the National Defense Commission, Kim Jong-il, had this to say about zombies' natural rights:
“All beings in this country have an equal opportunity to succeed and prosper. This means that we do not silence the opinions of people just because they happen to be dead. Humans, zombies, that tree, the fairy who came to me last night and told me to shoot Han, Han, the chair I’m sitting on, and even Pluto can speak their mind on whatever subject they desire, as long as they don’t go against the Party, and they can vote for any official they like, as long as I also like him. Furthermore, I would not deny a zombie the right to office ... As long as it's me.”
– Zombies
A fierce battle is ongoing between the left and the right over zombie suffrage. Leftists generally believe that zombies should be able to vote regardless of how many humans they have ripped apart, while those on the right believe that zombies, if allowed to vote, would destroy the traditional values such as family and religion. Leftists in turn claim that perhaps zombies have their own values to bring to the table. Rightists usually give the lefts a blank stare and attempt to end the argument with something like, "Zombies aren't even people!" to which their opponent gives a smug smile, obviously comparing the statement with the idea of slavery. In the United States a zombie was almost given a cabinet position by president Obama, but he decided at the last minute that the appointment was too controversial. He also figured that the zombie would eat the human members in his cabinet before moving on to the Oreos and potato chips, especially since it's such a tight space.
Mating
Zombies often develop relationships involving complicated, dark, sexual mating rituals and relatively primitive flirting conducts aimed at finding a proper match. During such periods of dating, a zombie's already meager cerebral activity is radically diminished. Its self-esteem can also go through major drops ... Not unlike the desire felt by their human counterparts. In such situations, a zombie will see his deep appetite for brains being transposed into an insatiable need for "looooooove". From this perspective, zombie love can be seen as an exact replication of the love affairs between humans, to the extent that human love affairs are hardly distinguishable from those of zombies.
When zombies commit the act of mating, if their significant others concede, they ritually bite at each others faces until openings are sufficient to expose the brain. Once penetration occurs, they proceed in intercourse until the insides of their heads are outside their body. This is speculated to be the origin of the expression "I'm going to fuck your brains out!"
Trouble shooting zombies
This section is not dedicated to resolving issues of people having trouble shooting zombies, but rather addressed to P.Z.U. (Personal Zombie Unit) owners for solving issues of malfunction of their zombie specimens. If you are having trouble shooting zombies, please see the next section. Please note that zombie specimens B and C, produced in between the years of 1978 and 1991 are no longer covered by our long term customer support. If you may acknowledge problems related to zombies dancing to gay dance music, straightening their clean-cut hairs with gastric juice/pus-based gel, wearing radioactivity-induced fluorescent clothes, mumbling about Communists taking over America or performing acts of cocooning, just shoot the damn things in the head before they breed and outnumber zombie demographics! It is a matter of zombie gene superiority.
Our Limited Deadtime Warranty on your P.Z.U. does not cover zombie malfunction due to eating brains of other zombies, zombies eating their own body parts, and zombies being born through natural reproduction between a male and a female zombie. Moreover, it is not covering any damages related to unsolicited loss of flesh, limbs or other body parts due to the rotting process, as well as the loss of intelligence and other sensory or locomotive skills. Detailed information on how to slow down the rotting process of your zombie is contained in your User Guide (located in the section titled "How to harmlessly remove your own brain in order to feed your Personal Zombie Unit").
If you ever experience any other malfunction with your zombie, either ship it back in the same body bag mail package in which you received your P.Z.U., perform blood rituals aimed at resurrecting undead (as specified in section III of the Necromancer's Guidebook), or just remove your own brain and deliver it to one of our our local zombie headquarters near you, or to any Z.A.P.E.R. (Zombification Agency Personal Estimator and Representative) that breaks into your house.
Troubleshooting zombies
If you have trouble shooting a zombie, and you don't know why, then perhaps you should consider using these methods in order to maximize the effectiveness of your anti-zombie, anti-Dracula and anti-Dick Cheney weaponry, and keep you and your family (and maybe someone else) safe!
- Point weapon at zombie(s). (Note: point end with hole at your target, and the shoulder butt against your shoulder. Not the other way around. Trust us on this one.) If you use the Tibble Twins' Special Shooting Stapler, Lift The Top From The Bottom And Squeeze the Silver Bar, Or Where The Staples Come Out Of.
- Pull the trigger. (Note: be careful that there are no unwanted obstacles/neighbors/grannies/festive hats in your line of fire. Unless granny is annoying and you want to use the zombie invasion as an excuse to knock her off.)
- Try to CONSERVE your ammo! When something is shot in the head, it will not come back (although, just to be on the safe side, it's probably best to send out slow bait, such as a toddler/neighbor/granny first before you leave your bunker, in order to determine if there really are any undead still out there).
- If things get out of hand, and it seems that your trusty ol' magnum won't work, get out your shotgun. Shotguns are the best zombie-killing weapons there are! But if you brought along your trusty flamethrower, that might work too.
- On second thought, don't use your flamethrower. Flaming zombies are worse than regular ones.
- Do not allow love to get in the way of your survival. Love counts for nothing in this life. Survival, sex, drugs, hot cars, and mary-j are all that count. And Noel Coward. And Noel Coward's pet iguana, Pumpkin. Oh, and that movie with the robot that has inflatable boobs and flame-throwers up its arms. God she is soooo hot, you could drool over her like a zombie, 'cept not for the brains if ya know what I mean!
- When you are close up against a zombie, your bunker is probably overrun or they sent you off to find some drugs and shit. If this is the case, find the drugs, do the drugs, and sit back and enjoy the show as your companions are rapidly ripped to pieces and devoured. Let's face it, they had it coming.
- If all else fails call Ultimate Jesus, Chuck Norris, Noel Coward, and Jack Bauer, Bruce Campbell, oh and Adolf Hitler. (This can also be applied as the last resort to any other problem you face in life and undeath.)
Targets
The zombie, contrary to popular belief, is picky. It will, for example, not devour an N.L.P. (Normal Living Person) if that person is deemed too stupid, such as when the person drools, and moans, and makes jerking insolent movements in an unappetizing fashion (it is of course commonly known that zombies moan at a very precise pitch, possible only thanks to the decay of oral tendons). Their favorite foods are those people who resist annihilation and run away screaming. Little do those people realize that as far as they run, they will eventually collapse from exhaustion, at which point the zombies will assume a leisurely pace to reach and devour them. Also, screaming is a very stupid thing to do, and it irritates the zombies greatly. The late professor Relkurgleblahhmoa of Princeton University says: "We zombies have extraordinarily tender ear canals, so it is only in self-defense that we unnecessarily devour the screamer."
Some zombies have very particular tastes, like the Oprah-zombie, who only eats people who seek her sympathy on her show, from which she draws future prey. Others will eat from only certain body parts, like Dick Cheney who likes to eat ... Well, it's pretty straightforward – his first name says it all.
Ghouls
Not to be confused with zombies.
Ghouls are very similar to zombies. They suck out your brains, skulk in dark alleyways and are undead, but somehow are not zombies. "We are ghouls," they say helpfully. "We suck out your brains, skulk in dark alleyways and are undead, but WE ARE NOT ZOMBIES. I mean, we're similar in that, erm, well, we suck out your brains, skulk in dark alleyways and are undead, but, you know, we're just ... We're ... We're just not zombies, okay?" They also can turn into coyotes and eat only dead people.
Deadites
Not to be confused with typical undead, these judicially possessed lawyers are relatively easy to distract with tinker toys and vague references to fancy sports cars. They are almost always busy killing or defending fellow undead in impossibly B.S. cases involving giant sealed canisters labeled 'army use only. not valid on Sundays' or hot pickle burns in fast food chains. Unlike a typical zombie, these cannibals will continue setting up meetings and eating Kellog's total fit long after their cranium has been separated from their shoulders. Your only chance of survival against these creatures is a chainsaw in sync with double barrel shotgun with cobalt blue steel and a walnut stock. The shotgun, typically can fire up to 12 rounds before reload. You must look awesomely bad ass and say "Groovy" before you can destroy them. Only Bruce Campbell (aka Ashley J. Williams) has been successful with the a fore mentioned strategy.
See also
- Quentin Tarentino
- HowTo:Convince Your Friends You're Not a Zombie
- HowTo: Survive a Zombie Outbreak
- Necromancy
- Zombies Anonymous
- Dead Rising
- Zombie Terrorist Spiders
- Zombie Defense
- UnTunes:ZOMBIES!
- Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains
