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An IBM. This is the good kind of computer.

An IBM is one of the two kinds of computers. The other one is a Gay

An IBM mainframe.

Many parents often think: "What kind of computer should I get for Bobby? Should I get an IBM, or should I get an Apple?" The answer is: you should get an IBM. This article will explain, in detail, the reasons IBM kicks Apple's ass.

An IBM has an operating system[edit | edit source]

Okay, you're probably thinking "What's an operating system?" Let me explain.

Apple is just a computer that plays games. It's basically like an Atari 5200, except it uses floppy disks instead of cartridges. The Apple-DOS 3.3 that the Apple computer uses is based on BASIC they call it Applesoft BASIC but it is just a rip-off of IBM BASICA and Microsoft GW-BASIC. You put your game, like The Oregon Trail, into the floppy disk drive, then you type in BLOAD "Oregon Trail",6 and then type in "RUN" and then you're playing the game.

An IBM, on the other hand, has something called DOS. When you turn on, or "boot," your IBM, it doesn't just start playing The Oregon Trail. Instead, it says:


When you see that, you're supposed to type something. Like, let's say you want to play Pool of Radiance. Well, then, you just take out the DOS disk, put in the Pool of Radiance disk, and type the "secret word" that makes Pool of Radiance start.

In that case, the secret word is "POOL". I used to use a red marker to write, for example, "Secret word: POOL" on my disks. Last year, I learned that if you type DIR, then DOS will tell you the secret word. But that's kind of cheating.

How to program an IBM?[edit | edit source]

An Apple. This is the one that sucks.

If you turn on an IBM without putting a disk in the drive, it takes you to something called BASIC. The first time that happened, I was pretty freaked out. I typed "POOL" and it said "Syntax error." I almost cried because I thought I broke the syntax on my IBM.

But it turns out that BASIC is a programming language! How cool is that? If you turn on an Apple without putting a disk in it, it just flashes at you with a question mark.

After a few months, I learned to use BASIC really well. I wrote this computer program:

10 CLS
20 PRINT "Mike is gay"
30 GOTO 20

This makes my IBM say that my brother Mike is gay, like, eleven hundred trillion times! It was saying it so fast there was no way to count. Try doing that with an Apple! I couldn't figure out how to make it stop, but when I turned off the computer, it finally did.

The only problem is that you can't save your computer program, because you didn't put a disk in, and if you put a disk in later, IBM doesn't know that you have a disk drive. I guess because you never put the disk in.

Lots of computers are mostly compatible with IBM[edit | edit source]

It turns out that there are some companies besides IBM and Apple that make computers, but those computers are, like, really close to being IBMs. For example, Compaq makes a computer that's 99% compatible with IBM. 99% compatible! That means it'll only break, like, 1% of the time.

Does anybody make a computer that's compatible with Apple? Nope! You know why? Because computer makers know Apple sucks. Every system that tried to copy Apple sucked, (like the Franklin Ace series, the Russian Apple clone, The Sears Gemini II system) unlike the IBM PC Clones that are way better like the Dell, Compaq, Gateway, Packard Bell, eMachines, Bently Model-T, or the generic build them yourself Frankenstein IBM PC Clones sold via mail order from Computer Shopper magazine that is thicker than a phone book and is 87% adds, and 5% content, and then 9% fake ads that are astroturfed the editors and writers were bribed to push the product on unsuspecting consumers.

IBM's latest and greatest technology.

Here's an example. When you buy an IBM, it comes with no graphics. Just a screen where there are 80 letters across and 24 letters down. And an Apple comes with graphics, but it only has four colors. So you're probably thinking: "Okay, well, the Apple sounds better," right? Well, that was a pretty dumb thought, but it's okay.

Because here's the thing: for just like $500 more dollars, you can buy a microchip called CGA that makes the IBM show 16 whole colors! All of your favorites are there: magenta, red, pink, light magenta, and other forms of red! You can't do that kind of magic with an Apple! But CGA can only display 4 of those 16 colors at low res and 2 colors at high res. IBM made the EGA card to make 16 colors at low res and 4 colors at high res. Some other companies made a Hercules grayscale card but it only works with an Amber or Green screen monitor, not the CGA or EGA monitors but it can get the graphics of a Macintosh for one third the cost of a Macintosh or half the cost of an Apple // computer.

Soon IBM will release the IBM PS/2 computers with new keyboard and mice ports and OS/2 to replace DOS and MS-Windows and offer a GUI interface that rivals the Apple GEOS or Macintosh System Finder GUIs. The only thing that could stop IBM OS/2 is Microsoft's Xenix UNIX based system, but Novell and SCO are fighting to buy that from Microsoft as MS-DOS are clearly better and IBM even got CP/M-86 from DRI while more cryptic than DOS, at least it ain't an Apple system. Microsoft can try to beat OS/2 one day, but I'd like to see them try as OS/2 is clearly the superior operating system as IBM licensed the Amiga Workbench GUI to make the Presentation Manager and Workplace Shell GUI environments. (And IBM's superior research and development team come up with new stuff all the time!) OS/2 was known as Advanced DOS in development stages and it has code to take advantage of 286 and 386 processors and true preemptive multitasking and crash-proof design.