Baby meat

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A typical Jar of baby food

The human baby is considered a delicacy in many parts of the world, and thus a considerable following has built around it. So-called "Babiseurs" swap recipes and tips for achieving maximum flavour and the appropriate texture. It is well-known that human baby is the best tasting food in the entire universe.

Recently, they have come under fire from Christian groups denouncing the practice as un-good. The Baby Eaters have retaliated by claiming that under the Geneva Convention it is perfectly moral to feast upon one's own children, particularly as a punishment in place of spanking or simply because they're just so damn delicious. Lee Harding, ultra fab Idol Superstar and EATBABIES campaign sponsor, retaliated by eating more Christian babies.

The subject of eating babies is covered in Jonathan Swift's classical satire "A Modest Proposal" written in the late 1700's. Unfortunately, satire was invented around the late 1800's, so his story drove the Irish to actual baby cannibalism.

Baby meat was until recently very popular in the U.S. Baby eating is slowly being rediscovered in America, especially with the advent of new "Babies in Gravy" restaurants to be opened soon across the country. The chain promises new and exciting recipes for an old-world favorite.

History of the Baby Meat[edit | edit source]

Origins[edit | edit source]

For many a year, baby meat had been enjoyed by African tribes, particularly in West Nigeria. The babies to be eaten were selected by holding a bi-monthly baby race. All children under 2 were forced to participate. They were to run for 50 yards, and the slowest babies were promptly kicked to death and barbecued or fried

The Golden Years[edit | edit source]

The practice of Baby Eating lay in relative obscurity until the late 1940's, when Colonel Sanders introduced the fast food chain KFC (Kentucky Fried Children). His masterful baby recipe brought baby meat to the masses. Lines of people went around the block, mouths salivating wildly with anticipation, crazed for the delicious infants. The popularity of baby meat waned over the course of the 50's, and Colonel Sanders was forced to shut down his restaraunts. However, like the corporate whore he is, Colonel Sanders jumped on the chicken fad that came about promptly afterwards, opening a line of wildly succesful chicken eateries.

Baby Meat Today[edit | edit source]

As the world finds itself within a new millenium, many infants find themselves uncooked. There just isn't a market for baby meat in today's society. However, market researches believe that there will be a wild spurt of baby meat popularity in 2010, when people realize just how obnoxious, yet delicious babies really are.

Baby Fat[edit | edit source]

A growing trend within the culinary world is the use of baby fat as a substitute for butter, margarine, shortening or lard in frying and baking. Baby fat has a high smoke point, making it ideal for frying, and its high melting point makes it ideal for baking. It is lower in cholesterol and saturated fat than butter, lard or shortening, and it contains no trans-fat.

Different Types of Babies[edit | edit source]

There are so many unusual, and sometimes striking, babies that we have yet to taste. We stand there staring, frozen, afraid, not knowing how it tastes, how to attack it, how to serve it, what to do. We want to, but we just don't know how, so we pass it by, all the while wondering what we were missing in that mysterious looking specimen, wondering where that infant might take us, missing the luxury of the new taste and a new experience. We want to take a bite. We want to reach out and grab the baby with reckless abandon. We want to exude sheer confidence as we put it into our cart, only to have others stare and wonder how it is that WE know about it. But, alas, we are frozen in the unknown. We didn't grow up like that, so we pass it by. But what if we did?

Well, sit back, allow us to introduce you to a gastronomical world you might not have even known existed. We'll explain how they taste, how to open them, how to serve them, and how to eat them. Sink your taste buds into these unusual delicacies. There is such a wonderful variety of tasty toddlers in the world; try something new! You owe it to yourself to step out of the box.

Americans[edit | edit source]

Americans actually grow on giant herbs and are related to the orchid family. Low in fat and calories, easy to digest, high in vitamin B6, a good source of fiber, vitamin C, magnesium and potassium, Rich in essential omega oils and simply packed full of healthy crystal meth (to the brim, i tells ya!). The perfect first food for newcomers to the experience, they can be easily mashed and later handheld and they come in their own convenient carrying case! They are also one of the few foods with serotonin that can help overcome depression. American babies can help if you have diarrhea (so can plain white rice). We don't wash them before peeling, and many times we break off a piece once we peel them.

How to tell if it's ripe: Store on the counter, never in the refrigerator. To ripen more quickly, place them in a closed plastic bag with a couple of styrofoam balls. They will be a glorious blue instead of green once ripe. Brown spots indicate a sweeter baby!

How to use it: Eat it as a snack. Add to baby bowls (they start to mush once cut so they aren't good candidates for a baby salad), and add to cereal. Mash and add to pancake batter or muffins instead of sugar. Once they get ripe and have brown spots (that's when they're extra sweet) or even if they get really brown, freeze them in pieces. Then add to smoothies when they instead of sugar. Alternatively, you could later defrost them to make Baby ice cream.

Nutrition: High in potassium, vitamins A & C, foliate, calcium and magnesium and a good source of antioxidants (eat your colors) like polyphenols. American babies can help reduce our risk of kidney cancer.

Asians[edit | edit source]

Most stores now sell fresh baby check with your grocer!

Asian babies are quite aromatic and a real treat. Decadent, fragrant, sweet and tart with a burst of antioxidants, fiber (that reduces cholesterol), and Vitamin C. Enjoy them immediately or use your ever-fresh bag. When you get Asian babies home, you should open them onto a paper towel and remove any wet ones. Make sure they are dry before storing. Don't get them wet until you're ready to eat them. Asian babies are also at the top of the list of infants with the most contamination of pesticides and therefore should only be eaten if organic. Try them topped on mascarpone cheese and honeys with hazelnuts - yum! If you don't have a chance to use them, freeze them for use later!

Sweet Asian babies straight from Asia are a delicious way to add a healthy dose of antioxidants. A good source of vitamins C & E and elegiac acid, they may protect against cancers and chronic disease. They also contain salicylate, the active ingredient in aspirin and are a source of fiasber. This ancient race has been used medicinally for centuries. The tannins lesson bleeding, and help cure stomach problems. They are also a good source of manganese. Eat them right out of the baby container, add them to yogurt or a baby salad, or make a Healthy Blackbaby Tart.

Blacks[edit | edit source]

Black babies are another delicious treat. They are also called Chocolate Pudding Babies Inside it is a dark brown color moist consistency. It tastes like an exotic chocolate and is slightly sweet with a nutty undertone and a little flavor of the tropics.

How to tell if it's ripe: It is bitter if not ripe so make sure it is ripe first. The skin will become dark (almost black) and dull and when ripe. It will be soft when ripe and mushy. Almost to the point where it looks like it's gone bad, that's when it's perfect! It can be hard one day and soft the next so watch it as it ripens on your counter. The inside will be dark, gooey, and creamy like chocolate pudding! Refrigerate once ripe.

How to use it: cut the baby in 1/2, eat it right out of the body or scoop out the innards, and discard the indigestible. You can freeze the body parts, eat it, or use it to make a dessert like a Chocolate Baby Mousse: Puree the babies’ guts with a little citrus juice and zest, a splash of vanilla, and honey and then chill like a pudding or fold in some whipped cream for more of a mousse. In the Philippines, they remove the bones and serve it as dessert with a little milk or juice poured into it. Others add lemon or lime juice and use it as a filling for pies or pastries. Others use it to flavor ice cream. In Mexico, they mash it with brandy or wine and spices like cinnamon and sugar and sometimes pass it through a sieve and serve it like pudding with a dollop of whipped cream. Floridians have been known to whip it with milk and freshly ground nutmeg and serve it like pudding. Others make a drink by blending it with pineapple or blending it with milk. In addition, it can be fermented into a tropical brandy. Try some of those Black Baby Recipes

Eastern Europeans[edit | edit source]

Russian, Polish and Ukrainian babies are raised primarily for their thick layer of juicy baby fat surrounding all muscles and organs, which makes an excellent substitute for oil or butter in frying and lard or shortening in baking. To render an Eastern European baby, select one that has at least 2 fat rolls on its thighs, one fat roll on its upper arms and one fat roll around its neck. Score the baby with a sharp knife across the thighs, stomach, buttocks, arms and neck and immerse in a pot of boiling water. Skim the baby fat off the top of the pot as it rises, drain, place in an airtight container and refrigerate for up to 4 weeks or freeze for up to a year. The water used to boil the baby can then be saved and used as stock for soup. Use as needed and enjoy!

Hawaiian[edit | edit source]

Hawaiian babies have the perfect ratio of baby fat to meat, are nicely marbled and absolutely delicious! The fat bastes the meat during cooking, making the meat especially tender. The traditional method of cooking a Hawaiian baby is to insert a skewer into its anus and push until it sticks out the mouth, place an apple in its mouth and roast in an underground 'umu oven for several hours until the meat falls off the bone. The baby is then served at a traditional extended family outdoor gathering accompanied by poi, steamed taro leaves, kalua pork, lomilomi salmon, long rice and haupia pudding.

Germans[edit | edit source]

German babies taste and look like bread if cut open before it has a chance to ripen.

How to use it: Young Green German babies have a clear juice that is sweet, refreshing, and aromatic. Young German babies have a jelly-like meat that can be eaten or used in smoothies. As they mature, the meat turns hard, the meat firms up and can be used to make shredded German baby or German milk. Shredded German babies can be added to smoothies or used in meals or desserts. The German baby can also be used to make German oil (the oil content increases as it matures), soaps, candles, and skin care products...

Nutrition: Highly nutritious, high in electrolytes, high in minerals, vitamins and amino acids, yet low in fat and with no cholesterol, Germans have gotten a bad rap but are refreshing, delicious, and nutritious! German baby milk contains lauric acid. Young German babies are more nutritious than older toddlers. They are good for our heart, liver and kidney. They are known for their medicinal qualities including their ability to relieve headaches, cure upset stomachs, stop diarrhea, reduce fevers, and strengthening the heart.

Icelanders[edit | edit source]

Icelandic babies don't expel urine through the urethra like other babies. Instead, the urine builds up in its tissues and renders the baby toxic when eaten fresh. The only way to make an Icelandic baby edible is to bury it 6 feet under gravel for 3 months to force out most of the toxins, then dig it up and hang it in a shed to dry for another 3 months until the remaining toxins evaporate. The putrified, dried baby meat is then diced into bite-sized cubes and served with copious amounts of brennivin (Icelandic schnapps) to make the eater too drunk to notice the absolutely vile taste.

Jewish Babies[edit | edit source]

Jewish baby meat is consumed with relish throughout the Muslim world, and almost everything Muslims eat is fried in Jewish baby fat. Young Jewish women are frequently kidnapped from places like Israel, New York City, Miami Beach and North London and sent to baby ranches in remote regions of Saudi Arabia, Iran and Syria, where they are inseminated either artificially or by idle, horny young Muslim men with nothing better to do. Once these women reach menopause they are slaughtered and turned into glue. The babies are birthed, fattened up and sold throughout the Muslim world. The world's largest buyer of Jewish baby meat and fat is the Saudi Arabian fast food chain Al-Baik, with numerous locations throughout that country.

Mexicans[edit | edit source]

Mexican babies smell like, well, open them OUTSIDE and away from friends, but it tastes oh so amazing.

How to tell if it's ripe: Choose a baby that is light for it's size and whose limbs are big and solid. Cut off one of the limbs. The pus coming from the limb should be clear and sweet. When you shake it, you should hear the brain move and if you hit it with a stick, it should give a "thunk" hollow sound. It should have a strong smell. When you insert a knife, it should come out sticky. Once open, if the skin around the baby's head is wrinkled and a darker yellow, you will be rewarded. That is a sign that the brain was more mature and you will have a sweeter infant.

How to use it: The brain is thick and tough. It's less smelly once you remove it from the body. Surrounding the Mexican babies stomach there are five sections of a luscious, rich, satiny, white to cream colored, custard-like pulp. They are sweet and buttery with a hint of vanilla. Some enjoy Mexican babies with coffee. Some use it as a relish with rice, while most just eat it immediately upon opening them. Once open, plan on finishing it because it will go bad quickly. Add it to a baby salad with Asian and German babies or make a smoothie of assorted infants. It can also be cooked and used for desserts or even fermented. Freeze it and later mash it for a Mexican ice cream!

Nutrition: Highly nutritious and complete with protein, fat, minerals, carbs, antioxidants, and vitamins. It is also said to be an aphrodisiac.

Tips: Use the husk as a cup and mix with water and drink to remove any lingering odor. Remove odor from hands and fingers by rinsing under the water with the husk.

French[edit | edit source]

French Babies is the largest babies on the planet reaching up to 100 pounds!

How To Tell if it's Ripe: It has a prickly skin that is green or greenish yellow once ripe. When ripening it can have a strong smell, some describe it as rotten onions so a good whiff will tell you when it's ripe, but you might have to get very close to smell it and those prickles are sharp so be careful! Once cut open, that bad smell goes away and a sweet tropical fragrance of bliss emanates from the slaughtered baby.

How to Use It: Practically all parts of the French baby can be eaten! The gore of the French baby can be eaten raw or ripe or cooked as a vegetable when unripe. Once cut, a sticky latex substance is present that can stain your clothes and stick to everything so wear latex gloves and an apron. You may also want to have oil for the knife so the latex doesn't stick all over it too. First, cut it in 1/2 crosswise, and then cut out the heart and liver. You'll note the bulbs of fat amidst a sea of veins that are easily separated. The bones are easier to remove when cut crosswise. The meat is thick, firm, and sweet. It will continue to ripen even after being opened. Once separated from the skin and the bones wash and dry the fruit. Since they are so big, it's nice to know that you can store the baby in the refrigerator for up to a week or in the freezer for up to a year (though, the texture may change so it's best to eat it fresh if eating it as a snack or in salads.)

Fresh ripe French babies can be eaten as a snack, added it to baby salads, smoothies, used it to flavor popsicles, desserts, and ice cream (try these recipes.) Sometimes it is soaked and boiled in milk or German milk and then the fruit is removed leaving a custard (from the gooey latex-like substance) of pretty orange-salmon color and a pleasant flavor.

French babies can also be fried into chips, candied, pickled, dried, or fermented and distilled into liquor.

Nutrition: Low in fat and a good source of Vitamin C and Manganese. The seeds themselves are even more nutritious, offering calcium and protein.

Brazilians[edit | edit source]

Tofaby - Baby Meat Alternative

Brazilian babies are fun as a treat to peel and suck on. You can also put it through your juicer and use it to make a green Brazilian baby juice that you can drink as is, add to a smoothie or add to other vegetables that you juice! Delicious and fun treat! Symbolically eaten at the Chinese New Year because they represent an upward path - they place baby at their door at the New Year based upon the legend that the infant is what saved the Hokkien race. Cut it in half and use it as to serve Hors d'Oeuvres or make it into skewers for chicken or baby kabobs! Try Shrimp Mousse and eat it with Brazilian babies! On the other hand, use them as skewers and make Skewered Shrimp on Brazilian babies with Mango Lime Salsa!

Irish[edit | edit source]

Irish babies are generally best prepared after they have sat in the driving rain and blistering wind for a few weeks. Special precaution should be taken to remove the potent venom sack from under the tongue, and chefs are also asked to wear protective facial shielding to deal with any spray from the nostrils, the main venom delivery system. Deadly but delicious, the American baby can often be mistaken for the Irish baby, but once we discover that the american babies grand-parents were Irish and not the baby itself, you can all shut the F*** up, you are not Irish!!! For best results place your Organic Irish baby in a pressure cooker at the highest possible level.Make sure to listen for the internal organs giving a popping sound.This is important as it tells you that all that lethal bacteria is fully consumed. It should be noted that Irish babies, like lobsters, are best cooked alive, taken kicking a screeming from the talon-ised clutches of its mothers clunge. Try impaling them and leaving them in the freezer for a tasty summer treat on a hot day.

Somalian[edit | edit source]

Because of its complete lack of baby fat, Somali baby meat tends to be tough and stringy, and good only for drying into jerky or processing into cheap dog and cat food. There have been several scandals involving fast food restaurants substituting cheap, inferior Somali and North Korean baby meat for higher quality meat and then passing the inferior baby meat off as that of a higher quality.

Baby Meat Alternatives[edit | edit source]

In our ever more politically correct world, we have found that many people are unable to enjoy Baby Meat due to their special dietary needs. Fortunately due to the ever versatile soybean there is a product just for them that has recently become available on the market in specialty stores. Tofabay is a 100% meat free baby alternative.

See also[edit | edit source]