Phil Latio

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“Genua nunc flectantur omnia.”

“Let every knee be bent now.”

~ God

“When I hear his name I get a lump in my throat'”

“Can you help lick my stamps?”

~ Philatilist on something else
Phil Latio after his recent acquisition by the Disney Corporation. He is often mistaken for Phil Collins.

Philip Ulysses Latio (born Krist Anthony Novoselic) was born in Hammersmith, London in 1952, the eldest son of immigrant throat-warblers from Glaswegia.

Early Career[edit | edit source]

Phil started his first band, Phil Latio and the Cunning Linguists, whilst at the prestigious School for Battered Boys, in Chelsea, during the summer of 1967. The band, with Phil on both lead vocals and drums, was unnotable, though the band did feature the early keyboard bashing of one Nigel Dickofson, later to join Phil in Who Love Cheesy Poos.

Who Love Cheesy Poos[edit | edit source]

In the winter of 1980, Phil, without a band for the first time in his career, tried his hand at acting, accepting a minor role in the Disney smash "The Black Hole". A few similar roles over the next two years, (Shaft, The Human Stain, Octopussy, E-Three: The Extra Testicle Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Alien, Flesh Eating, Hellbound, Zombified Living Dead Part 2: In Shocking 2-D and finally Giant Mutant Sandy Vaginas From the Planet Wank) saw Phil looking to return to the world of music. A chance meeting with his old Cunning Linguist keyboard, brought Phil to the attention of Cruz Dickofson, who was looking to start up a band of his own. With their mutual love of throat-warbling, the two quickly became the best of friends, and by 1982, had recorded enough material for an album.

From the moment the seminal The Chronicles Of Warlord Josef And His Eggnogg album was released, Phil and the rest of the band became household names. With successes such as Loud and Hard (1983), Pink Trumpet (1989) and Hot 'n' Bulbous (1991) the band saw record sales. Literally.

During a charity concert of the band in capital of Genitalia, Cunnilingus, there was a terrible backstage mixup with a few locals and a blindfold, which has left Phil Latio a persona non grata in Cunnilingus.

Break Up[edit | edit source]

In 1998, Phil released his debut solo album, "Internal Investigation", complete with the hit singles "Keeping my Hand In" and "I Can Feel It (Coming In My Hair Tonight)". For the next few years Phil split his time between WLCPs and his solo career.

Following the release of "Get You Off" (2002) the band began a UK tour, but it quickly became evident that "musical differences" were driving a wedge between key members of the band. An incident involving a hallibut, a pound of chicken fat and a pair of rubber gloves proved to be the final straw, and Phil held a press conference to announce his resignation from the band.

Solo Career[edit | edit source]

  • Internal Investigation (1998)
  • Hello, I must be coming? (1999)
  • No Jackoff Required (2001)

Recent Work[edit | edit source]

Over the last few years Phil has utilised his links within the Disney Corporation to take on a number of high profile compositions, including the soundtrack for "Lilo Kills Stitch" and "The Lion King 42 - Simba dodders on....". Although not as critically acclaimed as his earlier work Phil is more that happy to take his fair share of the Mickey Mouse money that the work involves. In June of this year he has announced his retirement from the touring circuit.

Historical Impact[edit | edit source]

In 1987, while touring in the wild barbarian lands of western Canada, Latio walked to the local market after a sudden craving for Mentos. From that day forward, to be "Phil Latio'd" came to refer to the situation when a man is walking down the street, trips, has his zipper accidentally come open (or perhaps was already down to begin with), and have his penis land inside or near the mouth of an unsuspecting victim.

Scientific Facts[edit | edit source]

Scientists agree that being "Phil Latio'd" (or "Fellated" for the modern English scholars) is generally beneficial for a man's well-being. According to Stephen Hawking, fellatio is awesome. Contrary to popular belief, it feels really good. Refer to the figure of the male anatomy:

Figure 1.1: Relative awesomeness of fellatio targets as determined by the Hawking Boner Scale (HBS).

Muie (pronounced [muyae], or [mooyae] by professionals; also known as sausage cleaning) refers to oral performance and is a great way to assess the health of the partner's teeth. It is not effected during religion fasting periods, as it is based on meat (de dulce - sweet matters). If you're a vocalist (oral performer), it is recommended not to perform muie at least two hours before a gig, in order to be able to hit those high notes. It is considered impolite to talk while performing muie. There is also another term used "muiţă" [mooitzah] (little mooyae). "Hai sa iti dau la muita" (Come on, let me put my dick in your mouth)

Based on the general humane principle that "man comes before everything" (o muie-nainte de toate; omu' = the man; ie = is; 'nainte de toate = before everything), muie is one of the most lucrative feminine industries and often enough, when the family runs out of money, husbands encourage women to take the matter (aka sweet matter - see also careers: How to do things yourself) into their own hands by the words "du-te si tu si mai fa o muie" (you go and perform another muie). Actually, women measure the cost of commodities in terms of muie.

Had a bad experience with fellatio
Even Hitler got it!

If you are involved in a road accident with a blonde driving a Ferrari, she is likely to communicate the price of the car in muie [muyaes] taken. One time in Bucharest, next to the Universitate, a blonde woman crashes her Mercedes S-Klasse into a Dacia (which is a Romanian car) and gets out of the car and starts yelling "Bha tu stii cata muie am luat eu pentru masina asta?" (Do you know how much dick I sucked for this car?). In fact, successful people are called muisti [muyshti] (muie-performers) in Romania

See Also?[edit | edit source]