Zombies Anonymous

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Started in the late 1980's by Tommy Lee, Zombies Anonymous actually started off as a zombie zoo in Seattle. Critics insinuated that Tommy Lee was being "zombie-racist" and was lynched by a bunch of black people.

Second Incarnation of ZA[edit]

But what to do with the hordes of Undead still left in the zoo. Dr. Phil was called to the scene and immediately started a rehabilitation center for the Undead, and Zombies Anonymous was born. Funded by cyborg/zombie-slayer Stephen Hawking, ZA was set up for the living dead to curb their cravings for brains and human flesh.

Steps of ZA[edit]

ZA is comprised of 5 steps.

  • Step 1 is realizing that you have a problem.
  • Step 2 is to stop murdering innocent people and to focus your aggression on convicts or politicians.
  • Step 3 is to find a healthy substitute to flesh or brains, like fruits and vegetables like James Blunt or Chuck Norris. Warning. If you attempt to eat Chuck Norris he will end your un-life. You will no longer be un-dead and just be regular dead.
  • Step 4 is to be de-toxed of all human remains in your system.
  • Step 5 is to be completely cured.

If these steps fail, the zombie is sent back to step 1.

Healthy Activities[edit]

Zombies at Zombies Anonymous can find many fun and exciting activities to do while incarcerated. This includes everything from vollyball to ping-pong.

A Zombie playing ping pong at the facility.

The zombies also sometimes have sack races and send Christmas cards to the elderly. Sometimes they are allowed to watch television but only if it is a non-violent program like Dr. Phil or Martha Stewart. Since doctors have found that zombies do not feel pain many zombies have started to engage in "exterme sports"; such as Sky Diving without a parachute, fire wrestling, masturbating with razorblade gloves and playing catch with dynamite. The patients also enjoy screenings of I Walked with a Zombie.


One of the first tactics developed were the zombie collars. This collar would deliver a strong electric shock to any zombie devouring human flesh. The design of these collars was first used on dogs and Lindsay Lohan before it was deemed safe for undead use by the CDC. Films such as Dawn of the Dead are often shown to show what BAD ZOMBIES look like and behave like. This scares the zombie and can sometimes confuse them so bad that they eat themselves. That's right. Eat themselves. Hmm...

Dr. Phil[edit]

An interview with Dr. Phil himself about the creation of ZA has recently been released by TIME magazine.

TIME: Dr. Phil, how is the ZA project going?

Dr. Phil: Well, I first want to say that all zombies are winners if they try to be. Anyone can and should complete this program except for people of the Hebrew race.

T: You mean Anyone who's a zombie. Wait, did you just say Hebrew race? That is very offensive.

Dr. P: No it isn't. Anyone. Zombie or not. Adult or child except the Jews, even the robotic ones can do this. That is why it isnt offensive. It has been proven by science guys that Jews are just not capable of completing this program,

T: I am going to ignore the anti-semitic remarks because you are clearly brain damaged. I will try to go on ahead with this interview because I need to be paid so I can feed my family. Now why would you encourage children to be anywhere near these zombies?

Dr. P: These patients are completely harmless. Unlike the robot Jews these zombies haven't killed anyone.

T: Sigh.....I find that hard to believe. Not the jewish part. The other part. You know what.. Forget it. Just forget it. Actually I am very concerned about your health. You have many open wounds that appear to be infected. They actually look like bite marks. Do you want me to take you to the hospital?

Dr. P: Oh, those are from... uh... my wife. Yeah... She is into some kinky stuff. Like this one time we roleplayed that I was a toliet. And she brought over all of her girl friends, the roleplayed as the Alpha Beta Gamma sorority. Now the story was that the ABG girls went to Taco Bell for all you can eat for 10 dollars night. However the taco meat was rancid and to cover up the fact the meat was rotten the Taco Bell used super hot sauce. Man oh man. I am sure glad we laid down the tarps that night. I mean bless their little Alpha Beta Gamma hearts they sure did try to get it in the toliet, I mean me, but I could only have 2 girls pooping in me at a time. And it got everywhere! We were cleaning crusted dried fecal matter off the walls for weeks! Now what were we talking about?

T: Hmm...

(Taken from TIME MAGAZINE issue 838934938493 copyright by Happy Bubba Industries)

Return of Tommy Lee[edit]

Since Tommy Lee saw the potential money he could have made off of these zombies, he started an unnessecary legal battle with Dr. Phil to gain control of the rehab facility. In the end, Dr. Phil won, and Tommy Lee firebombed the west wing of the ZA center. This resulted in pissed-off flaming zombies, and Tommy Lee once again got his ass kicked. In an interview about this occurence, Tommy Lee reportedly said "Fuck my life". He then proceeded to run away from the fiery undead procession following him.